Friday, February 28, 2014

The bane of my life

I am so easily distracted by everything. This has been a habit since middle school - I procrastinate stressful situations, and try to come up with excuses as to why the task at hand isn't worth my time.

I hate the GMAT. It's so cunning, so brutal, and so stressful. Some of the questions are just mammoth, and my brain goes into overdrive.

Before I sat down to do my first diagnostic prep test, I had to play an hour's worth of mobile app games, an hour's worth of computer games, a half hour's worth of jacking off to this Sean Cody stud called Stu (great nipples and chest), half hour watching stupid videos on the internet, and finally got down to do it, separately in three seatings, because the test is so are-you-kidding-me long.

I got a 700/800, and it's pretty disheartening. The school I want to get in, has an average of 690 for the class of 2014, and because I did mine in 3 seatings instead of all at once, I expect that my "real" score is much lower. My math is actually pretty bad (78th percentile), and I thought I got most of the questions right, erps.

I've read online that 700 is a good first time score, because that means with a lot of hard work, the score can easily be pushed into the 750-770 range, and that's considered really really good (700 is 90th percentile). My problem is, I really just hate hard work. It took me over three days to do one GMAT test (I paused the exam after finishing each of the 3 sections and waited till the next day to do it) - how can I actually be shipshape ready in 2 weeks? Thankfully I haven't booked my test date yet, I might just delay it till end of March...

I just really have a huge problem with working hard. I just don't get why life needs to be that hard, and if something requires that much hard work to be attainable, then maybe that 'something' ain't worth the effort really. Which is just a horrible way of looking at things in life. But honestly, I do believe that choosing the path of least resistance in life is actually a pretty smart thing to do still. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, do any of these even matter? Does my Master's even matter? Although, the reality is, if I wanna do an MBA in the future I need to take the GMAT anyway, and it's valid for five years, so when will I ever find another time of vacuous freedom to study for it? (Hopefully, I will be able to buckle down for at least two-three years for my next job)

I was speaking to my friend about how I'm too lazy to study for the GMAT, because honestly the schools that I'm applying for that require it are really competitive to get into, and I rather just bank on getting into the "easier" schools that I've applied for that didn't require the GMAT. She replied and said, "Oh come on it's not like you're not a competitive candidate??" And it's true, but I am just so dreadfully blase about the rat race.

I thought she was too, until she told me the good news that she's going to be interning at McK for the summer. And that's also the problem. I was under the blissful naivety that all my close friends were like me in some sense: kinda cool, kinda fun, kinda bright, but also kinda darn whatever when it comes to "prestige" and "passion" and shit like that. But holy shit. Everyone's going places.

I mean like dude, c'mon. Life should be easier than this! The world has gotten too goddamn competitive. The older generation honestly aren't able to empathize with how ruthless and overzealous everything has become nowadays. Demand and supply have completely changed.

She also told me, "If you're lazy and you do so well already imagine how much better you could be when you try!" The problem is, the imagined scenario of me "trying" is a rather farfetched idea to pursue. I truly lack motivation in everything that I do. I didn't even graduate with honors from college, even though for freshman year I had a 3.9 GPA for my first term. It was the only semester I put effort into because I was deathly afraid the American college system was going to be difficult to adjust to. I just tanked shit after that, because I realized it wasn't that hard, and then did even worse when I declared my second major (oh god terrible choice to have studied international relations), which I then demoted to a minor, because I couldn't be bothered to take one class, the last piece in the puzzle, that required a mini-dissertation or something.

The underlying factor to all this, which really reveals how much of a prick I can be some times, is that I think that I am too smart for hard work, and that the extra efforts hardly are worth the payoff. In part this is due to my "wrong" fixed mindset versus the "right" growth mindset.

http://jamesclear.com/fixed-mindset-vs-growth-mindset

I'm too lazy to finish my entry. Gonna go watch some Modern Family now.

1 comment:

  1. Is an MBA worth it? Depends on what you want to do is the simple answer. If it's a requirement for your target career or field, then, yeah, it's going to be worth it, in fact it might be just the minimum requirement, so you will need it just to get your foot in the door.

    But I wonder, if you get your MBA so you can work at some big consulting company or investment bank, they are going to work you like crazy. You'll get paid well, but I suspect with your current value attitude, you won't feel like the sacrifice will be worth it. You'll end up being unhappy and will change fields anyway.

    Or if you view the job as a stepping stone into the corporate world, that may offer better work life balance, then that's the dues you have to pay to end up ultimate where you want to be,

    Otherwise you should rethink what it is you want to do with your life and let that lead you to where your passion may be. Anywhere you go though, an advanced degree can only help you.

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