Sunday, February 16, 2014

the world is my oyster

and it scares me.

some times i feel this crushing sense of defeat. i am trying to get an academic referee for my applications, and it struck me that the only person i could ask was my freshman advisor, back in 2009. oh. my. god. i have skipped so many classes in college, and paid zero respect to anybody except in freshman year when i still cared about school. now i just have no professor to really turn to. i remember in college how for some classes i would get As on all my written tests, but still end up with an A-/B+ because i got extremely poor participation points.

the truth is, i really dread going back to school. i never wanted to do anything after a bachelor's except for an MBA! and that's because an MBA really isn't like school! it's all about the networking, and the environment, and the ideas and creativity, rather than a structured school environment. do i want to do a master's in finance, when i absolutely hate numbers??? do i want to do a master's in management, when it would seem odd when eventually i wanna apply for an MBA??

what am i really doing with my life?

but if i don't go to school in london, then N and i will be apart. three years of long-distance is just way, way too hard to think about.

selfishly, i want him to study in hk.

2 comments:

  1. A someone who's graduating college in May I totally understand the dread of not knowing what to do with yourself. I've been applying for jobs for a while now but haven't gotten anything. I should've applied to grad school but I thought taking time off and getting a job would be a good idea. NOT! haha. Anyways why don't you start looking into fields outside of business? It doesn't seem like you don't like this area very much, although I could be wrong. But maybe you could you could use this as a chance to explore something new! Also, I know the UK has a visa scheme for non-married couples (gay or straight) to stay together in the UK so long as one of you is a citizen there. You should look it up! Good luck in figuring this all this out. Btw is that you and N in your profile picture? If so, you two look good together!

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  2. Career-wise, if you don't know what you want to do, then you should try different fields to get a feel for the work and whether its satisfying to you. You do want to be able to balance job satisfaction with making a living, though I suspect you can always lean on your parents over the short haul, but if you want to be more independent, then that's a last resort.

    Parents put a lot of pressure on their kids, because the kid's success is a source of pride and status. Only you can decide how much you want to hew to the societal expectations. But given your experience with american ways, perhaps you should emphasize your own happiness over that of the extended family. You can find some middle ground that satisfied all.

    Think about more than what you like doing day in and day out -- your focus should be more on the outcomes and results than process. There will always be administrative things you don't really like doing, but have to, and those just come with the territory.

    Finally, as for N, you should try to explore every option for him to stay. It would be unfair for you to demand that he stay for you and I'm not sure you want to create that kind of obligation anyway. But if he offers to stay under certain circumstances, why not tell him that's what you want? Otherwise it may become a source of friction and resentment. Right now it sounds like you need his support. And if he's willing to sacrifice for you, that's another good sign he loves you.

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