Saturday, March 29, 2014

Tinder, London, GMAT

So a few weird things have happened. Firstly, after about a full day of using Tinder, I had about 80 matches and I deleted it off. To think N actually downloaded it after!!! Wtf! After using it for 3 days he has 500+ matches...that slutty lil ho-bag. We both agreed to delete it now.

Anyway, I was really nervous in the morning for my GMAT. I've only done about 7 practice tests, and I was gonna sit for the thing without buying any study guides or textbooks whatever. I did an official practice the night before and got 750/800 for that, which put me in the 98 percentile, but I felt that my score was overly inflated because the math was amazingly easier than the previous practices. I got into the car with my dad (he was going off to the airport), and when we were making a turn, this truck rammed into the side of the left passenger seat where my dad was at.

The impact pushed my dad over to me and I was really frightened for a few seconds. My dad's driver got out and started yelling at the truck driver for going straight on a turning lane. Thankfully everyone was going relatively slowly, so no one was hurt... I looked over at the truck driver and the guy was so clearly shitting his pants. I think he must have been overworked or something (it was in the morning, and he looked like he was in his 60-70s) and I just felt bad for him.

Anyway, I was also shitting bricks, so I quickly hailed a cab, got in, and went to the test center. Traffic was bad along the way and I was afraid I was gonna be late. Then I received an email from a school in London that asked me to log on to their portal, but fucking hell, I forgot my password and I started panicking even more and started swearing in the cab. I finally got into the portal and heaved a huge sigh of relief. I got accepted! Huzzah! It's the school that N is going to haha. I told him the good news and immediately he called me and started squealing and saying he's happier than when he himself got accepted haha. He kept saying that he's so proud of me and that I'm actually going to London with him. :)

To be honest, his school is like, no. 3 out of the 5 that I'm applying for. It's a great university, I mean my sister graduated from law school there too, but when it comes to business/management/finance, it's not as great as the other 2 I'm shooting for.

Anyway, GMAT was just really horrible. I ran out of time for the Quant section and had to guess everything in the end. I was really pissed off because the math was so much harder than the practice I did. I was really pissed so I rushed through the whole thing in the end so that I could leave earlier. In the end my score isn't that great...710 puts me at the 92nd percentile. While realistically it's a great score, but I'm still sore because I know I can get at least 730 and above. My quant was a mere 70th percentile which is really bad. And it also pisses me off because my McK friend got a 730 from his test a week ago. Gah.

I'm oddly ultra competitive when it comes to standardized test taking. I always have this need to prove to myself that I can achieve similar or even better scores than my peers while studying half as hard as them. My McK friend took a prep class for US$1000 (paid by McK though, those consulting douchebags) though, so I'm taking solace in that fact. It's very petty for me to think this way, but I've always liked being the apathetic smart guy of the class. It's almost like I actually love how lazy and unmotivated I am about everything. But the problem with this is that the real world hardly works that way, which is why I struggled to organize myself in my last job and got frequently called out for being haphazard with everything. Not that any of that had any consequences. Like there actually wasn't any fucking point in balancing out the left/right margins by an inch because it was misaligned, as if the client's going to nitpick on the formatting to such an anal extent.

Truthfully, the way I see it, for the people that nitpick on my disorganization, I see them as presbyopic individuals who are unable to see things from a big picture perspective. They are so caught up with the minute details, that the perfectionists in them will rarely ever succeed.

I use this article as one of my defenses for the unrepentant brat that I actually am. Smart, lazy people, when confronted with a difficult problem, will think of the easiest way out of it. I've always tried to find the easiest route in life to get to where I want. But the problem with this is, when I can't find the easiest solution in sight, I am very unwilling to stick it through the tough times. Hence me quitting my previous two jobs. Don't get me wrong - those two were horribly wrong for me. But a more rational person would have stuck through and stayed miserable for 1-2 years before quitting each of them.

I also use this to defend myself from running/jogging. I hate anything that has to do with running.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The self-doubt arising from running in elite circles

I feel immense pressure and guilt once again to try and conform and fall back into the path that I think society expects of me. It's just so unreal some times when I think about the peer pressure that I feel, but that's really how it is. Coming from a series of the best schools in my country, I've been indoctrinated to believe that the creme de la creme went into a top feeder school like HPY and then get into a BB IB firm or one of the MBBs.

It's just fucking depressing comparing myself to these overoverachievers and realizing that I'm lagging so far behind. These kids have literally planned their whole lives out. I had dinner with this chick from my college the other day and she's at Bain right now. She said she's been working like a dog, and it all hit her when she was in the hospital for 2 weeks because she had meningitis and almost fell into a coma and died. Then, she decided to start planning for her future because like, yolo and shit, consulting has morbidly unsustainable hours, so guess what? She spent 100+ hours crafting a story out for herself for her MBA applications. She made sure she was presenting a multi-faceted view of herself and prepared and presented 2 separate slide decks for two of her recommenders to focus on different aspects of her strengths so none will overlap. So now, after her meningitis epiphany, she's headed for HBS.

She invited me out today to play beer pong, and I regret making small talk of asking "so where you working at? where did you go to school?" Everyone was from Wharton or Harvard and working at Bain or GS. All of them, were from my high school. None even really cared where I was working at, because if I didn't volunteer that information, or brandish my 'yo i'm working at jpm' cock in their faces, that means it must be not worth mentioning, which well, is true, because I'm an unemployed motherfucker.

I just absolutely terribly hate this kind of insidious ultra-competitive environment. Back in college I was always balanced out by my white friends who would be like um, some kind of English or History major or something related to music, which calmed me down a bit more because it wasn't exactly the drone-like Asians at college who are also now all wolfing it at Wall Street.

Honestly, I just feel that Asians are way too intense for me most of the time. I still remember how back in middle school one of my teachers commented to my parents that "your son is like a Wolverine using his claws to open sardine cans - he's really not taking things seriously enough to maximize his full potential."Other than how witty this comment was, it kind of stuck with me because in middle school I honestly thought I was cruising along fine and there wasn't any 'problem' with me.

I spoke to R about this, and he talked to me like I was crazy, because he said that I'm already successful in life. It's odd because I can give the advice to him that we are not merely a sum of our looks, bodies, and academic achievements, but I can't apply the same advice to myself. I'm not gonna lie but it's because I think society doesn't expect much of R, and so he should expect less of himself. On the other hand, I constantly feel like I have been underachieving the moment I got rejected by all the Ivies. Such a view is repulsive I know, especially to the quasi-commie/hippy touters of "all human beings are equal."

I don't really know. I'm sitting here and it's 2.45 am and I'm calming down from the buzz from the beer pong, but all I really want is N to be back here with me and I can put my head on his chest and somehow just feel better about everything. He was so excited that I got accepted into his school in London for the master's program, but I was not quite as excited as him, because it's not Oxbridge. In fact, I didn't even apply to Oxbridge because I've bitched out in fear of rejection. One of the main reasons why I'm also thinking of breaking into the consulting sector is because of the prestige associated with it, but I am sorely dreading the amount of intense competitive spirit that I would have to summon to systematically knock out my competition. For what reason really? All these smart fucks around me ain't doing shit to "save the world" - but if you were to pose that question back to me, an honest answer is that I could hardly care less about 'saving the world'...

I actually had another entry before this that I spoke about my GMAT and stuff but it was unfinished, but the tone of that entry was a lot more optimistic than this one. I know I should quit whining, and if I feel inferior to these overachievers then I should just strive by myself but I don't know if I actually crave to be like them, or abhor them. I just wish that I had something else that I could feel confident and hold my weight down in front of this ilk.

Being gay in the army

So FoC, you were asking me about how was it like for me being in the army surrounded by hot soldiers because I'm horny all the time.

Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't feel very horny in the army. Yes, it's true that I was surrounded by my fellow young, hotblooded 18 year old conscripts. But really, there were very few attractive guys around. I think it has to do with the whole jarhead thing for me. Everyone had the same haircut, the same glasses, the same uniform - it was all very bland. Another thing for me is, the lack of intellect of guys around me. For some reason I was relegated to a battalion that was just not really educated (it opened my eyes to my social standing that I always took for granted). When coupled with the lack of female specimens around on a remote island (our training facilities were at an offshore base kind of thing), these guys became very Neanderthal. I just honestly thought everyone was fucking stupid.

The first few months though was definitely quite interesting for me. That was my first military training experience, and I was this wide-eyed lil' punk who haven't previously spent so much time around naked guys. Most of the time though, I just went about my routines like a normal guy. Because I was heavily in the closet back then, I suppressed quite a lot of my sexual desires, and I saw most of the guys around me more as bros than anything else. Sure, I checked out the dudes with the big biceps whenever we wore our army tank tops. I also enjoyed kind of surveying the area whenever I knew an eye candy was going to take his shirt off. I also definitely lingered in bathrooms a lot longer than I needed to - I would always brush my teeth right when I knew the hot guys on my floor were gonna be taking a shower, and from the mirror I could see everything since there were no doors. Not gonna lie, I straight up stared at some of those guys because they looked really good naked. It's funny because now I remember that back then, loads of guys complimented my butt already...I guess I was always a bottom in the making trololol. Anyway, naturally also, I always gravitated to making friends with the good looking guys.

But other than that, I didn't entertain any thoughts of exploring anything sexually. More than anything it helped me become a lot more comfortable in my skin and my masculinity. It was the first time I actually had 'bros' in my life, and it was also the first time I became more comfortable just walking everywhere in just boxers or even just naked around guys. I was always deathly afraid I would get hard and people would find out about me but it didn't happen. Except one time, in Thailand when there was no one at the showers and I was scrubbing myself off and decided to give myself a lil jerk, when this guy comes in and I try to bend lower to cover my erection but he saw it and all he said was "wow" and then he walked on. That was pretty awkward. 

I was part of the reconnaissance team, and so when we weren't back at the barracks doing stupid PT shit, I was out on even stupider simulated field exercises where I walked like a dog through the thick tropical jungles for usually 4-5 days or more in my little team of 4 dudes. During those times, boys were never really on my mind. I would be covered in camouflage paint, smelling and sweating like crap, and trying goddamn hard to ignore the hunger pangs and the lactic acid in my legs while I prayed for the field exercise to be over. 

It also felt like I was the only gay guy that I knew in the army. What I mean by that was, 'my kind' of gay guy, i.e. not fabulicious nor beefcake. The gay guys were too flamboyant for my taste (and most were really weaksauce fragile), and most of the hot guys were just straight eye candy. There were certainly cases of other guys fooling around with each other. I know of this guy who had sex with two guys (separate occasions) in the bunk. None of them were hot (in fact, they were the antithesis of hot) so I didn't care less at all. 

So basically, there was nothing exciting going on. There weren't any sexually ambiguous encounters that I had, no hot naked instructor, no rampant military orgies, no cleaning of one's 'rifle' after a hard day's work of actually cleaning one's rifle. 

Sorry to disappoint.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Tinder vs. Jack'd vs. Grindr.

I was skyping N and his other friend last night, this black dude from NYC visiting London and staying at N's place, who says he is bisexual but eh, idk...I'm real iffy about the whole bi thing but who am I to judge eh?

Anyway, he was talking about how he has only swiped right three times on Tinder ever, and he says the quality of dudes and dudettes is really lacking. To amuse myself on a Saturday night alone at home, because as pathetic as it sounds I'm not particularly motivated to "hit the town" when N isn't with me, I decided to download Tinder and compare it with Jack'd and Grindr. 

When I downloaded it, I was really annoyed that it forces me to sign in with Facebook, but then I got why this is a requirement. They're trying to ensure that "real" people use it. It preloads your Facebook name and age (so you can't change them), and only lets you pick pictures that are on your Facebook. 

So after choosing a coupla pictures, I went to the Settings page, and instructed the app to restrict the ages to 18-30, and to show me Men and Women. Yeah dude, bring on them bitches and hos. Then I went to work hehe.

I basically swiped everyone to the right (which means that I'm interested in them), except for two guys: one's N's ridiculously hideous reptilian/amphibious-looking ex-boyfriend, and the other is this DJ at a swanky hotel here that previously hit on N.

After using it for about 12 hours, I've learned a few things:
  1. Sometimes I accidentally swipe too fast, and swiped 'yes' to my best friend's gay Greek friend (who has a twin), and it was funny because he thanked me for swiping him...
  2. The straight girls on the app are better looking than the gay dudes, but then again maybe it's just the sheer numbers (I get approximately 5 girls to every guy). 
  3. Unlike other apps, I like that it lets me know who is interested in me, really touches the self-indulgent self-absorbed side of me (and let's face it, everyone else).
  4. It forces you to use Facebook pictures, things are definitely a lot more G-rated.
  5. The layout is very slick and fresh, I like it a lot. 
  6. In ascending order: I had matches for 2 white girls, 3 Asian girls, 11 white guys, and 29 Asian guys. 
  7. Conclusion: Gay men like me a lot more than straight women. Womp. 
  8. Once again, the people who 'liked' me, I have no interest in, but the people that I genuinely hovered over their profile and was like 'hey he's cute' (like this jocky bartender at the gay night that I was at a couple nights ago, I took screenshots of his profile haha), didn't right-swipe me back. It makes me wonder if almost every relationship is just a compromise of one person going out of his league and the other just 'settling'...
  9. It ain't that fun trolling people... I was thinking of doing something like this guy at Became stale real quickly.. 
Anyway, so that's it really. I quite like it! I'm probably gonna delete it by the end of today though because well, N's getting jealous haha. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Eye candy, and World Down Syndrome Day

N and I can't stop obsessing over this dude. Haha. He's really adorable. We follow him on instagram and let's just say I've liked enough photos of his for him to call the cops on me... jk. Not at all that pathetic (or not...).

His name is Peter Sudarso, and he's like, some sort of fashion blogger and he models the clothes he's selling or something (idk, I just look at his pictures). He has a brother (at first I thought they were a couple - but turns out they're both straight), who's really fit too. I prefer Peter though; I just want to scrunch him up and put him in my pocket or something. I think it's pretty clear that I go for the cute/adorable/"twunk" (which means twink+hunk) kinda guys rather than the hairy/large/fuck-my-brains-out kind of dude.

Anyway, I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves!


Dude's girlfriend. She's pretty cute too.

That's his brother.

On a totally unrelated note, and yes I know none of my entries ever segue right, today is World Down Syndrome Day. While I am usually very annoyed with all these "days" to celebrate total bullshit, like International Dance Day or International Friends Day or whatever (why can't there be an International Giant Orgy Day? Or is that because every day is one?) but this video really, really touched my heart. Being the little pussy bitch that I am, I cried.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Wednesgay night

I went out last night for dinner with two girl friends and we went over to a bar after where there was this cute short lil pinoy guy who was singing live, and boy, was he fucking good. He sang all the crowd favorites (crowd being mostly me and my friends lol, wednesday night so it was quiet) and we sang along real loud. In the end he invited me up to sing with him and I was really nervous! I'm not very good with these kind of public performance things...It was kinda fun though, everyone was cheering me on.

Then we went to a gay night at this club and it was free entry + free drinks whuuttt. I ended up getting pretty tipsy and I am definitely getting old, I feel really hungover today...arghh. I haven't gone clubbing for ages. It's a club frequented by quite a lot of models, so everyone was pretty cute. My friends were saying "omg!!! Everyone's so hot but so gay! I feel so invisible!" The shirtless bartenders were really muscular and hot too, and I was definitely staring for a long time. Met some of my friend's friends, both were very nice people. We didn't really do much cos after getting a few free drinks we were all pretty buzzed, and it was a workday, and so my friends had to head home, plus I wasn't on the lookout at all. I'm so terribly happy with N and it really shows. I didn't entertain a single thought of fooling around or whatever. One of the gay guys that was a friend of a friend, he was saying how he's a single lady (when Beyonce's song was on, duh), and my friend was like, "wait what didn't I just meet your boyfriend???" and he replied, "Yes you did, but duhhh we are in an open relationship!" and gave her a 'it's so normal you must not be from around here' look. It kind of depressed me a bit, because while they were very nice people, they were clearly very promiscuous.

It's just kind of sad that this is the norm for a lot of young guys. I was telling my dad that most of my gay friends are actually sensible and don't want open relationships, but I did an actual calculation - I'm only close to 1 gay guy, R, who does want to settle down in a committed monogamous relationship. The rest are acquaintances, and they sure as hell are promiscuous. I know two gay couples my age, and one of them almost broke up because he caught his boyfriend still asking for dick pics on Grindr and his boyfriend just retorted "I'm not sexually satisfied with you because your body isn't hot enough" which is the fucking meanest thing ever. The other pair is a bunch of dumb Muscle Maries (actually, they're not dumb at all, they went to an Ivy) who are actually kind of adorable because they're practically married, like N and I. Everyone else I know is just a big whore. While this is from Cosmopolitan and hence carries zero weight, I smiled at each of the bullet points. That's how N and I are. There sure are some mighty cynical people in the comments section though.

[edit: Just got back from Macklemore's concert. I started crying when Same Love was played. The song is always so emotional for me.]

Monday, March 17, 2014

If I die young

N called me a few days ago crying because his high school prom date killed herself and nobody knew why. He missed her funeral too because people didn't think he'll be back in London so early. He had nothing bad to say about her at all, and said she was truly a giant ball of fun.

I get pretty sad every time I know of a young person who commits suicide. Suicide was quite a real thing for me but honestly, I don't think I would be able to kill myself. I would have gone to a mental hospital or something and checked myself in, like the dude in It's Kind of a Funny Story, which is a movie I really liked and identified with when I saw it.

I think the thing about the Information Age is really that all the information some times has a very self-alienating effect on a person. We compare our lives with a lot of the froth that people put out there. Combined with the very self-absorbed selfie culture nowadays, it builds up and attacks people's self-confidence unnecessarily. It is safe to say many people don't have very realistic views of life. Me included for sure.

This entry is pretty somber so far. Anyway, all I know is, I'm always going to try and be the available listening ear to all my friends, if nothing more than just to let people know that they're not alone.

To make things a lil light-hearted, here's a coupla pics of a mighty fine guy, Walker Blanco. I'm a sucker for tanned skin, brunette hair, pillow lips and great eyes really. These might not be the best photos of him out there but well, to me, I really like them heh.




Cheers guys!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

blah blah blah blah blah

sick and tired of my american friends who keep talking to me about how great america is, how it's the best country in the world etc etc etc. blahblahblah.

i know your country like woah, built so many skyscrapers in 1930s, and like woah, is doing technology for the rest of the world, and like woah, you've got great healthcare or whatever.

go tell it to someone from bolivia or honduras or something, don't tell it to me. sick of this american exceptionalism bullshit. all i know is, i rather you stay at the top, or at least think you're still at the top, just so you won't become insecure and childish and start shitting your pants everywhere.

Monday, March 10, 2014

N leaves for London tomorrow...

only for two weeks for Persian New Year, but still. That's a heck of a long time for us to be apart.

We have bought gifts for his mom - he bought her a very intricate porcelain tea-brewing cup thingy, very Chinese very cool, and a 乌龙茶饼, or oolong tea "cake" (basically, it's a big round dried and compacted slab of oolong tea leaves compressed to form a "cake"). My dad is also giving his mom this pretty big porcelain horse for the Year of the Horse, since N's mom loves anything porcelain. N said his mom might give us a Persian rug in return, which is cool! Pretty darn cross-cultural.

We have thought about having kids and we're realizing that finding a surrogate half-Chinese half-Persian child-bearing woman who is smart, beautiful, tall, and healthy is going to be extremely difficult. Maybe just snatch her eggs and pass it over to someone in the states to carry them, since there's a huge system of surrogate mothers over there apparently. I heard from my dad's friend that that's what her friends have been doing (couples who are unable to have kids). 

It might be good that N's leaving, because the GMAT is in 14 days and I am very ill-prepared still. All I've done so far is a diagnostic test to see which areas I'm weak at and work on those first - each area I've tested so far though, my results have put me in the 'Excellent' range. What is the use for this shit? Clearly the official guide has very low standards for excellent...I guess I'm just going to have to study math more first though, my verbal skills are really a lot stronger. 

I'm still nervous all the time though. Can't really seem to calm myself down until I am done with the GMAT, and that I get a definite offer from at least 1 of my 2 target schools. I did the video interview last week for one of them - it didn't go so well because I only had very cliched answers for the questions - like for Who is the most influential person in the world? I really wanted to say the Gen. Sec. of China for his reformative measures, but I didn't know much about what he's reforming, so I talked about...Bill Gates. Way to be original dude. And other questions stumped me too, and the whole setup was weird and awkward because to accommodate for time differences, the interview was really just questions that showed up on screen, and I had 10 seconds to think and 2 minutes to answer via my myself. 

I'll talk more about my dad in the future, but it's nice that he told me that he really thinks that N and I are really one of the best couples he has seen so far, even better than most straight couples, because we virtually do not argue even after so many months of living together. I can't help but just feel lucky all the time that I've gotten the trickiest bit of life figured out. It's strange though because I do have thoughts some times of either one of us getting hit by a car and the thought of carrying on life after is just unbearable...this is probably due to the mystery surrounding the missing Malaysian Airlines plane; I have been keeping myself super updated on it because it's really just very unsettling and makes me feel that life is really unpredictable some times and nothing should be taken for granted.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Matt Dooley

Who's Dooley? Well, he's a Notre Dame tennis player who came out and wrote a pretty good very honest story as below:

The only few things I've heard about Notre Dame are that they have curfew, gender-segregated dorms, and well, Quasimodo. No wait, that's in Paris. Well, whatever, I know nothing about them.

Anyway, it's a good article because I can definitely relate to how irrational one becomes due to internalized homophobic pressure. I was speaking to a straight friend today and it was clear from his facial expression that he didn't really get it when I said I have contemplated suicide before, and he said "Wow! Why? Was it that bad?" I'm glad he really sees it as a complete non-issue. All along, I think I've just been way way too hard on myself.

I also remember the first time ever that I had to say the words "I'm gay" out loud was almost...impossible. They just simply couldn't roll off my tongue. The first guy I told, I said to him that "I don't think I like girls." Subsequently to others, I said "I'm not attracted to girls." Only after a few months I could say, "I'm gay." Now it's even easier, I just say "oh yeah my boyfriend's going to London." Haha.

My first email that I sent to my siblings, I ended it off with this:

"I know it is going to be difficult for both of you to accept this fact. You might feel disgusted by it. You might feel that there is no elder brother example to look up to now. Your friends might also make fun of you for having a gay brother. I am sorry for having placed this burden on you, but I hope that you both can understand that I am still the same goofy brother. This is only a small, albeit important, part of who I am as a person. I also hope that you both can understand that I will always love you both, and be there for you both, and, selfishly, I hope that you both will also be here for me as I try to make sense of a very uncertain future ahead of me."

None of my fears were rational, because my siblings accepted it very easily, they weren't disgusted, they still look up to me as an elder bro, and in fact, they love playing the diversity card to their friends and say stuff like oh yeah my family's like super cool, my brother's totally gay. Haha. 

Ah!! I'm just so happy how things have turned around so much for me. Truly blessed. Haha. While waiting in line for some awesome tonkatsu dinner with N, there was an older gay couple in front of us, a bespectacled white guy with gray hair and a scarf, and a short Chinese guy with earrings and a cashmere jumper. They both looked at us quite a bit, but got seated pretty quickly. After about ten minutes, we got seated too, and guess what - we were sitting right beside them. The whole meal was kinda funny because our tables were connected together, and they kept peering over at us. N sat beside the white dude, and I sat beside the Asian dude. The white guy kept looking over quite a lot, and I would some times look at him when he's looking at me and he would hurriedly look away. 

Then after we got our food, on my left, another couple was seated. A younger duo now, a white guy with an Asian girl in tow. This time, N kept staring at her, and I texted him to ask why. He said "fake nose and ho boots." Hahahaha. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, there's definitely a lot of interracial relationships nowadays, which is a good thing I guess. I remember someone once saying that racism will truly die down the more people fuck races other than their own, and blend everyone into some odd mix so you can't say stuff like 'you're such a chink!' or nigger or yaddayadda, because it's like, dude, he's clearly like mocha frappucino with green tea powder or some shit. Which is cool. Also, homogeneity is awfully boring. 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Model Crush

So there's this male model that I think is ridiculously hot and I may have a tiny crush on him (i.e. I stalked all hashtags of his name on Instagram). I would link his pictures over here, but the problem is, N and he used to go out for a bit. Disregarding the fact that it is quite slutty of myself to fawn over N's "ex-thing" (he insists they only went on a couple of dates so it wasn't really anything other than a "thing"), he is a PhD guy, perfect hair, incredibly chiseled, and apparently a bottom. Yet he was super closeted back when N was with him though, probably because he was RA at N's school. Wahahaha.

Such awesome shenanigans. Funny but I feel pretty good about myself that N chose to settle down with someone like me over someone like him! Really goes to show that looks and a killer bod can only get you so far.

Another thing is, he's actually very likely going to become a really famous male supermodel in the next few years, as he's getting back into modeling now that he's done with school. So all the more I shouldn't be linking his pictures here...argh.

Because I am way too lazy to sculpt myself to that stage, I honestly would be perfectly satisfied with even just having friends who look like that, hehe.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Lupita Nyong'o

I just have to watch this movie even more now.

Lately, I've been trying to find the beauty inside me. And I really do think that for many people, even the unlikeliest as long as you give them a chance, there is so much beauty inside to discover and just, kind of appreciate really. People really are beautiful.

I'm also kind of drunk. I went out with a few friends that I haven't seen for a long time - a couple "bros" who wanted me to go to Taiwan for a couple days. I explained how I quit my job cos I hated it, and talked about how I'm moving to London because of the person I'm seeing. They asked who's the girl this time, is it the same one as before, who is this siren who has tamed the once "clubbing addict," or did I somehow hitch a married woman (why on earth people think that I'm a cub for cougars just really beats me - just because historically loads of older women always chat me up...)? It took a few glasses of wine for me to tell them that it's complicated and I was searching for who I really was for a very long time, and that my boyfriend has settled me down a lot.

I was so surprised it was completely a non-issue for them. For some reason, I always assumed that the guys who talked about girls the most/all the time would be the most homophobic. But many of them actually just brushed it off and be like, whatever really. That's so cool. One of them even said, "that's not even that big of a news, I'm getting married." Holy. Turns out the Taiwan trip was supposed to be a bachelor party!!! Dafuq!!! Haha!!!

We're now planning to go to Macau this weekend. Because my dear N is a dude too, he's cordially invited haha. V has an uncle who gambles a shit load, so we're shooting for a free penthouse suite at the Venetian. D u d e. This is why I love having friends in high places waahahaha.

I'm so happy how everything is turning out for my buds around me. This girl I was super close to in high school too, recently told me she's probably gonna get married next year. I was actually so happy when I heard that. She's this Indian chick who escaped to NYC for a PhD because her mom wanted to have an arranged marriage for her, but now she found a dude, and best of all, he's Indian too so her family's super supportive about it all hahaha!!! (for a while I thought she only liked Chinese guys which didn't sit well with her super conservative Brahmin family)

Also btw, I booked my GMAT test to be on the 26th March. AHHHH. I NEED TO GET CRACKIN'. Like a Kraken hehehe. God damn it my humor really sucks when I'm tipsy.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Life/gay advice that I should also be heeding

So my friend R, who I describe as one of my few sensible gay friends, messaged me about this cute guy again. He told me the guy initiated the conversation on Grindr, and then said that R was cute, and in a bid to get his attention away from other hot guys on Grindr, R asked for his phone number to Whatsapp him instead. When the conversation got to Whatsapp, the Grindr dude did not reply. 

He asked me what he did wrong. He said he sent a text to see if the guy received the whatsapp, and that was 5 hours ago. 

He told me he's worried that the guy ran off with a hotter guy, or saw R's pictures on instagram linked to his Grindr profile + his Whatsapp pic and decided he wasn't cute anymore. He told me that he has changed his Grindr caption to be "Mates and dates more than NSA" and said he shouldn't be scaring off anyone. He asked me what he should do now, and how he should "sell" himself better. He cited how I met N on Jack'd, and how his Polish friend met his boyfriend on Grindr. 

It is really frustrating talking to R. Then again, he is probably like many gay people out there. He has somehow decided that the world is only to be ran by hot guys, and everyone else has no place. 

I told him that firstly he didn't do anything wrong, that maybe the guy was busy, or maybe he simply wasn't interested anymore. Who cares? I told him he has to take it less personally, and that he needs to realize that a person can't be summed up in just one picture, and if someone decides to pass on you because on one picture so be it, there'll be someone who'll like to talk to you more than just from one picture.,,

Secondly, I told him to get rid of the ridiculously cliched Mates and Dates shit, and the NSA fuckshit. I told him not to become one of those vacuous Grindr zombies out there - mates and dates? who you kidding that line is fucking stupid, and also, let's face it - everyone's on Grindr for sex first, and then for making friends second. Saying that you want to make friends and omg like I am an innocent lil cabbage patch kid that wants to only MAKE FRIENDS is just basically telling the Grindr world "I see no value in myself in this app that is clearly geared for sex and thus I am a cop-out and wanna wish for world peace with me instead?" Keep it more real, go along the lines of "Here on exchange for the semester and having a blast so far. Always up for meeting new people" or something is at least a lot better than motherfucking mates and dates.

Third, I told him to really get a grip on himself. Yes. R is not hot. So what? It's not as if hotness is on some kind of objective black and white scale. I told him that you are the sum of a lot more than just looks and a few pictures. It doesn't matter if people reject you, especially in the world of Grindr where you just need to try very hard to emotionally detach yourself in such a transactional environment. As long as there's someone, just one, who kinda likes you enough at the start to give you guys a shot. That's all really. And if the guy doesn't reply, that's actually kinda good too, because that means it wouldn't have worked out anyway so it's good you didn't invest more time there. 

Fourth, I told him how good looking people are usually not all that at all. He cited how they can be douchebags and yet people still worship them, and how they get it easier for everything in life. I told him the biggest problem is that good looking people tend to think the same way that he does too. People who worship douchebags, are invariably fucking stupid themselves and have very low self-esteem. Why do you care about these worshippers? Do you actually want these kind of worshippers, or actual friends who tell you to keep up the good work in whatever you're doing? Hot people also tend to feel that just because they're hot, everything in life should be really easy for them, which more often than not results in the vase syndrome, where basically everything else about the person is mentally stunted beyond repair. Zero personality. Zero sense of humor. I told him how N used to model, but so many of the male models he met had drug and alcohol problems because they thought they were the kings of the world. Many also internalized the biting scathing criticism of the industry and projected this to everything else in their lives, and have unrealistically high standards for everything, and crumble when these standards aren't met. I also told him how N has dated a few jawdroppingly hot male models before, but he said that they never really connected because it's like yes he's hot yes the sex is good but wait, now what?

I also explained to him that he needs to get real, and that Grindr and Jack'd are just for sex. Sure, you'll make some friends along the way, but this is no place to find a lifelong partner. People like N don't use these apps. I was incredibly incredibly lucky that I found him on Jack'd the second or third day that he decided to use it again at the behest of his friends who told him he really needed to start dating again and to move on from his ex-boyfriend. Before that, he didn't use it for six months because he was just so depressed by how he was just fucking guys to fill the hole in his heart but it never worked. In the same vein, N was pretty lucky that even though I was cruising for hot guys on Jack'd because I was also crushed over S, I took a big leap of faith in the end and gave it a shot and look where we are now. For R's Polish friend, first off his boyfriend and he started out as purely fuckbuddies, and they slept around a lot, but finally ended up together, but still slept around and cheated a lot, but now have decided to be monogamous. So, it always starts with sex. 

Lastly, I told him to delete the app for a while because it's obviously taking a toll on him. For these two weeks of deleting Grindr and Jack'd, I told him to not see this as potentially maybe missing opportunities that might sweep him off his feet and become the knight in shining armor to rescue him from his maudlin plight. Who cares about missed connections? People lose out on opportunities ALL the time - what matters really is how mentally primed you are to seize the opportunity when it comes knocking. Right now, R is not at all in the right state of things, and so fuck the apps. Once he can dust himself off and actually see the goodness in him, then things will be a lot more natural and he would be a lot less forced to "sell" himself. 

R thanked me in the end and said it was like a gay TED talk for him. Hah! Honestly, I feel that all the above are incredibly basic. In a way, it's pretty clear to me now that quite a lot of people spend a lot of time mired in their own insecurities to really see the bigger picture of things. 

This is definitely hypocritical advice on my end because I've somehow still been having bad dreams at night of my former bosses criticizing my work and questioning my self-worth. How pathetic is that? It has deeply affected me that so far my two full-time jobs I've lasted only barely 4 months in each, and I'm already 25. I've done zero GMAT prep and I really am just not feeling this GMAT shit at all, but I also don't want to sell myself short if I could actually get into LBS, but didn't even apply because I was too lazy to do a stupid test. 

I'm also quite afraid of being away from Asia for the next 3 years. I used to jump at any opportunity to be away from "repressive Asia" but now I realized I was just repressing myself all along, and that I've become so incredibly comfortable here that it's just terrifying to imagine myself being so far from home and away from family. I will miss everyone so much. My dad actually teared up when he was talking to N and I about going off to London. He said it's really unexpected but he knows that I have to do it, and he said he was going to miss me so much, and asked N to really take care of me, because in some ways I'm a big baby. I've not really seen my dad choke up a lot, so I felt pretty sad. I used to paint such a horrific picture of my dad, both in my head and to other people and even on this blog, but I was really just so caught up with my own anger and resentment that I blamed everything on him, when honestly, I am the fucking luckiest person in the world to have him as my dad. I am so incredibly happy that my relationship with my parents are better than ever, and my whole family has become more functional than it has ever been for the last 5 years. I owe everything to my dad and my mom, and I truly love them so very much.