Friday, March 7, 2014

Matt Dooley

Who's Dooley? Well, he's a Notre Dame tennis player who came out and wrote a pretty good very honest story as below:

The only few things I've heard about Notre Dame are that they have curfew, gender-segregated dorms, and well, Quasimodo. No wait, that's in Paris. Well, whatever, I know nothing about them.

Anyway, it's a good article because I can definitely relate to how irrational one becomes due to internalized homophobic pressure. I was speaking to a straight friend today and it was clear from his facial expression that he didn't really get it when I said I have contemplated suicide before, and he said "Wow! Why? Was it that bad?" I'm glad he really sees it as a complete non-issue. All along, I think I've just been way way too hard on myself.

I also remember the first time ever that I had to say the words "I'm gay" out loud was almost...impossible. They just simply couldn't roll off my tongue. The first guy I told, I said to him that "I don't think I like girls." Subsequently to others, I said "I'm not attracted to girls." Only after a few months I could say, "I'm gay." Now it's even easier, I just say "oh yeah my boyfriend's going to London." Haha.

My first email that I sent to my siblings, I ended it off with this:

"I know it is going to be difficult for both of you to accept this fact. You might feel disgusted by it. You might feel that there is no elder brother example to look up to now. Your friends might also make fun of you for having a gay brother. I am sorry for having placed this burden on you, but I hope that you both can understand that I am still the same goofy brother. This is only a small, albeit important, part of who I am as a person. I also hope that you both can understand that I will always love you both, and be there for you both, and, selfishly, I hope that you both will also be here for me as I try to make sense of a very uncertain future ahead of me."

None of my fears were rational, because my siblings accepted it very easily, they weren't disgusted, they still look up to me as an elder bro, and in fact, they love playing the diversity card to their friends and say stuff like oh yeah my family's like super cool, my brother's totally gay. Haha. 

Ah!! I'm just so happy how things have turned around so much for me. Truly blessed. Haha. While waiting in line for some awesome tonkatsu dinner with N, there was an older gay couple in front of us, a bespectacled white guy with gray hair and a scarf, and a short Chinese guy with earrings and a cashmere jumper. They both looked at us quite a bit, but got seated pretty quickly. After about ten minutes, we got seated too, and guess what - we were sitting right beside them. The whole meal was kinda funny because our tables were connected together, and they kept peering over at us. N sat beside the white dude, and I sat beside the Asian dude. The white guy kept looking over quite a lot, and I would some times look at him when he's looking at me and he would hurriedly look away. 

Then after we got our food, on my left, another couple was seated. A younger duo now, a white guy with an Asian girl in tow. This time, N kept staring at her, and I texted him to ask why. He said "fake nose and ho boots." Hahahaha. 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, there's definitely a lot of interracial relationships nowadays, which is a good thing I guess. I remember someone once saying that racism will truly die down the more people fuck races other than their own, and blend everyone into some odd mix so you can't say stuff like 'you're such a chink!' or nigger or yaddayadda, because it's like, dude, he's clearly like mocha frappucino with green tea powder or some shit. Which is cool. Also, homogeneity is awfully boring. 

1 comment:

  1. Those were dark days for you. But it got better, you came out stronger, through courage and insight into yourself.