Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The people closest to me

Hong Kong has been really foggy these past few weeks. I'm kind of just wistfully looking out of the window now.

Yesterday was a strange day for me. I had dinner with my dad and N at Robuchon, one of those Michelin chefs that I really trust when it comes to quality of food. Dinner was great. Foie gras crepe, lamb chops, macarons. I wanted a nice dinner to send off everyone so I'm happy it went well.

Then at 10pm my dad left for NYC. I stayed in bed and cuddled with N after, and then I fell asleep. He woke me up at 5am and kissed me goodbye. I teared up a little when I was hugging him goodbye, and told him to message me the moment he lands in Dubai (which should be right about now I think). I couldn't sleep for a long time, knowing that I'm going to be alone in the apartment for a week. I've strangely grown so dependent on N and my dad.

I looked back at my first few entries about N. Goes to show it is extremely difficult to know for sure if someone's right for you, if genuine feelings will develop. I'm so glad I stuck through. We are truly, truly inseparable now.

I'm really the luckiest guy in the world. I really used to think that I was dealt such a shitty hand; I couldn't have been more wrong. The people closest to me are all incredible and amazing individuals.

About a year ago, I wrote quite a bit about my family situation, and then I deleted everything because I didn't want anything to turn turtle if somehow people figured out who I am. I now realize, quite a lot of that has to do with internalized shame; I was just ashamed and angry with a lot of things, and the anger clouded my judgment.

Last year I came out to my parents because my dad came out to us. Everything that built up over all these years hit me in the stomach, and I flung hard back at my dad. I demonized him. I criminalized him for being a hypocrite - for seeming to not understand where I was coming from all these years when he should have related the most to me. I chastised him for projecting all his wants on to me, living vicariously off me. For years as a kid my dad coerced me to play competitive sports when I had no interest in sports at all, and doused me when I wanted to pursue singing as a kid. I understand now that might have to do with the phantom of gay stereotypes in his head - but he is not to be blamed for thinking that way. I saw a man who shattered my mom's life, a woman I hold so dearly in my heart. I saw a monster.

Things are actually really great with my family now. Sure, I couldn't have imagined that things would turn out this way last year. Last year, my siblings and I were crumbling and we were all nursing ourselves in our own little damaged ways. I now know that my dad loves me with all his heart, and he loves every single one in my family too. My mom has accepted too that society was harsh and cruel back in the day, and that my dad is essentially, a very good person after all. She has also overcome many of her demons of insecurities stemming from this 'fake life' and my parents are now honestly incredible lifelong companions. Both of them tell me that they still see a best friend in the other, and they share everything together. I was so happy when they went on a safari trip in Tanzania recently, and my dad told me how everything went so well, they didn't argue at all, and it felt like it was their second honeymoon again.

I'm also a lot more comfortable speaking about gay issues with my dad now. I used to scowl and shudder so much. My dad has also thanked me, for really letting him see that gay relationships are extremely capable of being fully functional. He has been indoctrinated to believe that his attraction to guys is futile because nothing good can come out of it, except rampant debauchery. He said I have given him hope that the world is changing, that people are becoming more accepting, and that he is extremely proud to have me as his son. I'm very proud of having him as my dad too.

And it is true - N and I wouldn't have also worked out so well if it wasn't for such amazing family support. My family has wholeheartedly embraced him, and so has N's mom to me. This is really what makes the story of N and I unique - everything has aligned incredibly well. Truly blessed.

1 comment:

  1. You never can really know how someone else feels until you have walked in their shoes. Ironic that in so many instances, coming out separates people but in your situation, it ultimately brought everyone so much closer.