Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Middle East

So recently my husky back home bit another dog when my dad took him out for a walk and now we are in trouble with the animal agency or whatever. My husky would never hurt any of us and he is usually so docile and tame and plays with all my friends but he is notorious for being antisocial with other dogs and this is his fifth time he has been aggressive towards a dog. Apparently bits of flesh were bitten out of the other dog holy cow. Anyway it made me think that I'm sort of like that too. If you meet me in person I am completely non aggressive and I'm really extremely chill blah blah. But alcohol somehow transforms me into a violent aggressive person and I am very curious to find out why. So I'm determined to see a therapist in London to take a crack at this. My mom did remind me that when I was a kid I was ultra aggressive and I had episodes where I looked as if I genuinely wanted to kill my siblings. I don't think I ever wanted to kill them though. All I know was that back then I felt that I needed to severely punish them. It's scary to think that I think this way.

Anyway now that I'm in the Middle East I haven't drank alcohol for a whole anyway so it's all good. I asked N if he thinks I'm an abusive person and he said he would be really fucking stupid to stay with an abusive person. Also, I tend to have very frequent bouts of extreme low self esteem and that's something that I kind of want to address with a therapist too. I've told N Before that some times I feel that my life is so incredulously lucky that I feel that I don't deserve any of it because I'm not really an angel or whatever. I'm intrinsically flawed and I don't give a shit about filtering my thoughts here to give some fake image that I'm like "ooh wow I'm some bikram yoga feel-good whatever" so I don't mind writing my stream of consciousness here at all but yah I gotta get this fixed too. Everyone tells me to just think positive be cause my life is awesome and I need to know I deserve it but fuck I can't seem to make myself think that way some times.

Of course this also isn't all the time, generally I am pretty happy I guess but I always fall back to a weird dark place like just this morning I told N I needed an emergency cuddle because I felt unsafe and uncertain about the future. Uncertainty fucking scares me to be honest. Goddammit.

Ok gotta hit the sack since I'm visiting palaces tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think you are naturally abusive but it sure seems too much alcohol brings out the wild side in you.

    The other thing that I failed to consider as well as others, was what N's reaction would be. That's going to influence how you address some of these issues.