I'm prone to being highly stressed and I'm noticing that these days I wake up really early because my mind is in overdrive, fraught with so many worries about the future.
Essentially, I have never been this passionate in my life about wanting a job. I am almost obsessed and have put the company on a pedestal. It's all crazy because the company has never hired anyone from my program for the London office since 2009. Because it is literally insanely competitive to get in. As much as I somehow try to avoid stressful and overly-competitive situations, I am also very much enticed and enchanted by the prestige and accomplishment I would feel being the first person from my program to get in.
I'm trying to practice cases, network with as many people as possible, and it's really odd because back in college, I absolutely hated all these fake bullshit. It's interesting how much I've changed.
Also, BTB and I probably have gone a bit too far, but I think I'm finally gonna be able to stop because I've seen the true colors of that shithole. We joined the LGBT group on campus, and that bastard, being the pretty boy twunk that he is, got hit on hardcore by an existing consultant who gave him 1-2-1 sessions on how to break into consulting, and when I asked him to help a bromo out, he lied and said that 'oh I'm not meeting him anymore because I'm too lazy too' and guess what I saw them in the library together...yeah well, he really didn't need to lie to me.
Once someone sees me as a competitor instead of as a friend, I remember that forever. I'm a grudge-holding asshole basically. I shall now be wary of everyone and understand that in the real world, "friends" might still take a shit on your face.
Anyhow, I've also done a lot of personality tests mandatory by my school, and they all gave really negative feedback to me, like how I am overly pessimistic, prone to anger and frustration, easily stressed out, and often swayed by emotion rather than logic. Even the "half-glass full" side of the analysis was hurtful: "Because you are a very pessimistic individual, negative outcomes will not surprise you as you would have expected it." - dafuq? lol.
It is so weird because I feel that I project a lot of self-confidence to others but to the people closest to me (i.e. N and my family), they are intimately aware that I am incredibly, incredibly insecure and unconfident. This frequently hinders me both career-wise and also happiness-wise. My heart was beating so fast this morning as I was thinking of how I may not get a job at all in London and have to break up with N...which depressed me.
Also, my relationship with N has changed quite a lot...now that we don't see each other 24/7 because I'm always in school, we have grown slightly distant...It worries me that in the future if my job is gonna be super demanding I would see him even less and less. Right now we have sex like once in two weeks, which is holyshit infrequent. Some times I get back from school and I'm so tired I don't even talk to N about my day. So many things to adjust to along the way too...right now we live 45 minutes away from central London and this is the longest commute I've ever done in my life. I'm so used to paying a crazy premium just to live right smack in the central of most cities. I'm also kinda depressed by the shitty fast food in London, where I either have to eat McD's all the time, or fucking flavorless whole-wheat shitty sandwiches filled with "all-natural goodness" that frankly, I don't give a fuck about!!! Why WHY do Europeans eat such flavorless rock-hard and dry sandwiches all the time? It just blows my mind. Then when I'm home for dinner N's mom cooks Persian food...it's really sweet of her and she is a great cook but after two weeks in Iran I am more than over Persian food really. I really just want my Chinese food!!!
Hah okay, #rantover.