Friday, October 24, 2014

Close to 2 months in London now

Life has gotten a bit better I have to say. I met the school therapist, she's old, and chill, and nice. I cried halfway, it was weird. She told me to see myself as an orchestra, and that each part is playing its own part given its narrow vision, and is playing it with the best intentions, but it might not necessarily sound good in the overall orchestra. She wants me to be the conductor this time, and think about the part in the orchestra which is my problem with alcohol, and find out why do I want to drink the next time I pick up the next glass of wine in my hand, why do I stop when I find myself stopping, and why do I want to continue when I drink the next glass.

I spoke to a friend back home and explained that I'm really stressed out here so far because I'm busy chasing the prestige, and he's like, "when did that ever matter to you?" It hit me, that while it has always mattered to me that I maintain a _certain_ level of social standing, I really don't give a fuck if I'm at the top of the top. I'm quite so contented being average among the really good.

Confidence started coursing back into me. I don't need to see this whole consulting thing as the be-all end-all of everything. I need to gain back some self-assurance that hey, I won't die if I don't get into any of these Prestigious firms.

I've however become very convinced management consulting is the way to go for me. I love the people I meet so far. They're goal-getters, but mostly still chill and human-like, unlike asshole bankers that I've met. Consulting makes sense to me. I love challenges, but I can't keep up my attention span long enough to commit to anything for a super long time, so the project-oriented nature of it works so well for me. I also love teamwork environments, and interacting with people a lot, so really, it's just perf. I also love wearing a suit, and being all smooth and shit.

What really surprises me though, is that the pay is shit. Seriously, I can't believe anyone can survive in all these metropolitan cities without a wealthy background. Unless of course, you're a dirty & overly scruffy hipster.

Anyway, I've also been going to many LGBT events for all these firms and it's been great. I actually met a college alum earlier today. Holy shit. How awesome. Although, okay, he did an MBA while I was a wee lil undergrad, but still. Also there are a shit ton of Americans in London. So awesome too. I hear American accents everywhere I go hahaha.

Anyway, I truly think this is something that really interests me. Being involved in LGBT affairs. Not really like to the point of activism, but just you know, being part of the cause. I saw this quote by this military dude who's a Stonewall role model:

"I don’t think a role model has always got to be someone who’s on TV or super-famous or super-rich. I just think it’s about being open and giving other people encouragement. It’s about living your life honestly and not being afraid to pass your experiences on."

Really, amen to that. And I want to do that. I want to be able to subtly influence the newer generations of gay people who might be struggling with coming out. Cos I know for sure, if I grew up in that kind of environment where I had positive gay role models around me, I would have been able to be openly gay so much earlier in life. I do hope to be that sort of person for someone else in the future. It would mean a lot to me.

I feel a lot better now. I'm going to be working on applications and cover letters over the weekend too. Then once everything is sent out, I'm going to have to start practicing all those online numerical/logical reasoning tests, then practicing the problem-solving test for one particular firm, then really really brush up my case practice because it's currently pretty fucking shit (although I've gotten positive feedbacks from the MBAs), and then really, just pray that everything goes well.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Counselling tomorrow

So, I'm going to be seeing my school therapist tomorrow.

Not sure why really. All I know is maybe it's good to talk to someone. I'll try and keep an open mind.

I've had major major fights with N again over our living situation, to the point we actually almost were on the verge of breaking up.

I've also been incredibly stressed out about finding a job, and generally just not believing in myself enough, when honestly, credentials- & personality-wise, I am very well-qualified. I just somehow have this feeling that my luck is terrible, and I'll end up having nothing in London.

I'm really tired of this networking bullshit. Mostly because I have to always kind of..."act" as if I'm sooo interested in these companies when really, all's that in my head is scoping out the hot guys in the room. Life is actually really boring without constant eye candy for me.

Very oddly enough, even though as mentioned above I feel very unsure and unconfident about myself, I am somehow very sure that I am quite sick of the people around me. I've always had a crawling sense of misanthropy about me, but really in a professional setting, I can't help but just be very annoyed that most of my peers who are, I guess, my "competition" are just obtuse and hopeless. And I get very impatient when they can't seem to get the right logical reasoning, or beat about the bush way too much.

Anyway, it's really late.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

This is absolutely riveting.
"(I told lies for a living, but the biggest lies in the world are the lies people tell themselves.) So of course I pretended to come. And I learned that the best, most convincing, easiest way to show my clients I had an orgasm was just to say, “I just came.” That’s it. Nothing fancy. I’m not that good an actress, and it’s not necessary, anyway. “Oh, I came” would always do the trick. They believed it. They were so proud. The truth is, for most girls, you can’t tell: It’s like God, or love, you don’t see it, but you believe it exists."

Source: https://medium.com/matter/sex-is-sex-but-money-is-money-e7c10091713f

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Gushingly in love

http://2boysinlove.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/to-my-matty.html

I read this and couldn't stop smiling and relating this back to my life with N.

#1 is so true for N and I. I tend to get up a little earlier than him (when we both can afford to sleep in) and so I'll be on my phone first and then I'll just look and smile at him sleeping for a bit. He'll then get up, and immediately have this large sheepish smile across his face and he reaches over and touches my cheek and says "cutie pie good morning"

#2 okay no, we don't do that. But N always knows when I'm in a bad mood which is like, fucking frequent. He's always encouraging me to be more optimistic, and to worry less, and he'll always watch Friends with me at home because he knows that it makes me really happy. He'll also sing songs by Jessie J or Ariana Grande and sing it way off-key and sassily tell me "I can sing so much higher than these girls I should be an international popstar" and it always makes me laugh because he is literally so.bad. at singing.

We also frequently text on this IM app called Line (it's like Whatsapp, but way cuter cos it was basically made for Asians) and text each other these stickers:

 
#3. I do that to N all the time, mostly because well he's 6 inches taller than me! He'll be washing the dishes and I'll rush up from behind and hug him so tightly and kiss his neck (that's as high as I can reach, gah). 

#4. N likes to do this goofy smile to me across the room and does a kissy thing with his lips while closing his eyes for a split second, so that no one else will see haha. 

#5. Okay fuck bubble baths I don't have time fo dat shit! But there have been times when N would have cooked and prepared my dinner for me along with a bottle of chilli powder beside it because he knows I loveee my spice hah

#6. This happens now every time we meet at Leicester Square, because we eat a lot of Chinese food. He'll describe me the exit he's at, and I'm like, you know I'm horrible with directions, I'm standing here beside two massively overweight girls with piercings (I like giving stupid directions like that), and he'll come and find me and we'll smile and kiss immediately. 

#7 okay that doesn't happen too, and I don't really like that...I'm not a girl I can open the door myself. But we do hold hands before getting out of the car and he'll kiss my cheek.

#8 is arguably one of N's biggest flaws. Whenever we are over visiting his friends and I know no one, he is extremely clueless and doesn't always introduce me to them, or make me feel included, and I tend to get really really angry with him because I'm not exactly the most social person, especially when it comes to his friends. They're mostly esoteric (since they're all dancers), pretty fat (because they're not Asian - I'm too used to skinny Asian girls), broke (so we go to really shit bars/clubs where u can fucking get a table for 40quid that is laughably pathetic) and really not funny at all. And yet on the other hand he has friends who have like private jets and ex-models and stuff, but he doesn't hang with them as much. And yeah, sue me, I'm shallow.

#9 HaahHahAHaha okay no. Just no.

Ranting about gay douchebags

Pah. So I've joined my school's LGBT club and honestly so far.

I fucking hate it.

What do you get when you take a gay man, put him in one of the "top three" consulting firms in the world, and then put him into one of the best schools in the world?

Fucking douchebags.

Seriously. These guys prance around being all so fake-friendly but alarmingly aloof and distant. Every single time I see them I really have to try soo hard to be friendly to them but none of them will ever make the first move to speak to me/acknowledge my presence. It's like, ooh okay, I get it, you're Mr. Bigshot, I'm Mr. Small Fry, like whatever really lawls. Like literally, this one baldie has looked at me eye to eye 4-5 times now, and we stand in a circle, and he won't say hi to me, even though I've initiated the first few times. Another dude, I had a COFFEE chat with him for 30 minutes, and he still doesn't say hi to me. In fact our coffee chat was so painful because he was so distracted and completely disinterested with what I had to say...seriously not sure why he even agreed to meet up as a "mentor"

The worst thing? Every single one of them is actually really unattractive. There literally isn't any mildly good-looking guy at all.

I've also started really dreading the gay bar scene. Usually, the walls are lined with creepy old dudes just completely leering at every single young person walking by, then it's filled with these rude diva bitches. it's incredibly stupid really. This just happened to me with a friend of a friend, who was being introduced to us, and I wanted to do the usual friendly 'hey man nice to meet you' with my hand out there for a handshake but this lil dipshit kept his hands in his pockets and just pursed his lips and did a really curt 'hello' without even really looking at me and my other friend. Like, seriously?

Where did all this horribly immature self-entitlement come from for these guys? I'm so glad I got out of this desire to go gay clubbing all the time now. Suffice to say, the more level-headed gay guys don't hang around the 'gay scene' and it's becoming really clear to me now why this is so.

Meanwhile, I also realized that I've not experienced a lot of Grindr/Tinder douchebags for a really long time since I've been together with N for more than a year now, so it was really interesting (and exasperating) when a friend was showing me screenshots of giant douchebags on Grindr.

Man, why do gay people have to be so catty and bitchy all the time? And not even in a good way! I love sass! But only good sass! Friendly, irreverent and genuinely funny sass.

-----

On the other end of the spectrum, this gay dude in my class is really pissed off with me and we're probably not going to be friends anymore, because he thinks I'm a gay douchebag. We were talking on FB when I told him something like "hahaha btw the first few weeks of school loads of people asked me if you're gay after I told them I have a boyfriend because they wanted to check lol cos they thought u were obviously one of us" and he got really pissed off because he said I was stuck in my "ancient" mentality that femme = gay and femme = bad and he said "I'm not even gay, I'm bisexual!" - right after telling me that he loves bottoming so much that he could cum without even touching his dick, yeah okay,

And I told him, I never said that femme = bad, and that I wasn't going to tell him who asked me if he's gay, because they didn't say that out of homophobia or disgust or with the intention to slander anyone, besides this dude kept referring to them "spreading rumors" and I'm like...you're gay...it's not a rumor...and he told me I just don't understand don't I? What if he went around telling everyone that oh I lied to everyone about having a girlfriend? And I told him well, that honestly reflects poorly on you rather than me, because people can say whatever they want and tbh it's such a silly rumor who cares

And he was all being catty and saying "Ok conversation over. Good night! :)" And i told him off "seriously the fact u're so fucking riled up over this shows u're probably a lot more insecure than u think u are. it's actually some times so hard to talk to u." now OK this is my bad because i lay shit out without caring if the scab would sting when i remove the bandaid, to which he replied "then avoid ever doing so, as so will i! good bye!"

.... immature douche. what are we, like in sixth grade or some shit. u're fucking italian, ur country should be more than open minded about being gay so what's wrong if our classmates find out. this taiwanese chick i told, went to a housewarming party and told like, 20 chinese girls that i like boys. lol. i really didn't see any issue with that because, it's not like i'm trying to hide my sexuality anymore anyway.

/rant over