Life has gotten a bit better I have to say. I met the school therapist, she's old, and chill, and nice. I cried halfway, it was weird. She told me to see myself as an orchestra, and that each part is playing its own part given its narrow vision, and is playing it with the best intentions, but it might not necessarily sound good in the overall orchestra. She wants me to be the conductor this time, and think about the part in the orchestra which is my problem with alcohol, and find out why do I want to drink the next time I pick up the next glass of wine in my hand, why do I stop when I find myself stopping, and why do I want to continue when I drink the next glass.
I spoke to a friend back home and explained that I'm really stressed out here so far because I'm busy chasing the prestige, and he's like, "when did that ever matter to you?" It hit me, that while it has always mattered to me that I maintain a _certain_ level of social standing, I really don't give a fuck if I'm at the top of the top. I'm quite so contented being average among the really good.
Confidence started coursing back into me. I don't need to see this whole consulting thing as the be-all end-all of everything. I need to gain back some self-assurance that hey, I won't die if I don't get into any of these Prestigious firms.
I've however become very convinced management consulting is the way to go for me. I love the people I meet so far. They're goal-getters, but mostly still chill and human-like, unlike asshole bankers that I've met. Consulting makes sense to me. I love challenges, but I can't keep up my attention span long enough to commit to anything for a super long time, so the project-oriented nature of it works so well for me. I also love teamwork environments, and interacting with people a lot, so really, it's just perf. I also love wearing a suit, and being all smooth and shit.
What really surprises me though, is that the pay is shit. Seriously, I can't believe anyone can survive in all these metropolitan cities without a wealthy background. Unless of course, you're a dirty & overly scruffy hipster.
Anyway, I've also been going to many LGBT events for all these firms and it's been great. I actually met a college alum earlier today. Holy shit. How awesome. Although, okay, he did an MBA while I was a wee lil undergrad, but still. Also there are a shit ton of Americans in London. So awesome too. I hear American accents everywhere I go hahaha.
Anyway, I truly think this is something that really interests me. Being involved in LGBT affairs. Not really like to the point of activism, but just you know, being part of the cause. I saw this quote by this military dude who's a Stonewall role model:
"I don’t think a role model has always got to be someone who’s on TV or super-famous or super-rich. I just think it’s about being open and giving other people encouragement. It’s about living your life honestly and not being afraid to pass your experiences on."
Really, amen to that. And I want to do that. I want to be able to subtly influence the newer generations of gay people who might be struggling with coming out. Cos I know for sure, if I grew up in that kind of environment where I had positive gay role models around me, I would have been able to be openly gay so much earlier in life. I do hope to be that sort of person for someone else in the future. It would mean a lot to me.
I feel a lot better now. I'm going to be working on applications and cover letters over the weekend too. Then once everything is sent out, I'm going to have to start practicing all those online numerical/logical reasoning tests, then practicing the problem-solving test for one particular firm, then really really brush up my case practice because it's currently pretty fucking shit (although I've gotten positive feedbacks from the MBAs), and then really, just pray that everything goes well.