Hey blogosphere, what's cookin'?? So I've got a few updates, and I'm finally not as depressed as I was the last few weeks for me to pick myself up again. Because I've been doing a lot of case practices and trying to trick my brain into being really structured and shit, I'll enumerate:
- I changed my blog picture to this really hot Asian dude whose look is someone that I aspire to have, although I definitely don't nearly have enough hair to sport that hairstyle, arms, bronzed tone, buns of steel...you get the picture. A man can dream though. I do this to psych myself to get back to the gym again, I've been real bad with discipline, and I honestly think my butt ain't as perky as before which for some reason is kinda annoying to me, since I kinda like my tushy.
- Things with N have still been on a fucking rollercoaster. I had a heart-to-heart with him and told him that I'm getting tired of this...that it feels like I keep trying with him, but he's still distant. And I told him if this continues, I'll have to rethink our relationship. We both ended up crying a lot and trying to really patch things up. I understand where he's coming from though. I've been carrying an albatross of negativity everywhere I go because of the jobhunting. Only fresh grads will understand how incredibly terrifying it is, to withstand the torrential emotional abuse that potential employees have to face with the bullshit that goes on in the corporate jungle. And I understand that my emotional vulnerability doesn't only affect me, it drags him down severely too, which is why he is still so cold to me. I really do hope I get the offers from those I'm interviewing with now, and life next year honestly would be so much better because I'll be back to my happy cheerful self.
- I have also become extremely sensitive and possessive over him. I think this is because I at times I really feel vulnerable about our relationship. And I get pissed over stupid shit. Like I can't stand it that there are so many other gay Asian boys in his life. I know, typing it now makes me realize how ridiculous I sound. But seriously. I do prefer being the only gay Asian boy in his life. He is a nice bloke so he keeps letting people crash at our place but one after the other they are super effeminate Asian boys, and he is better friends with one of my friends than I am (because basically the dude is a snappy lil bitch at times so I can't take him in strong doses) Also his fucker ex-bf who looks like a komodo dragon uploaded a #tbt on instagram of both of them and he hashtagging shit like #missyou #firstlove #letshangagain and I'm like how fucking pathetic is this lil shit?? Right now we have another 'guest' at our place and they're hanging out a lot without me but like...whatever. I'm gonna try to be chill and not be all jealous and shit cos frankly, these guys are 1) frankly very unattractive [to me, but N has really shit taste when it comes to Asians cos he somehow thinks they're cute] 2) bottom sluts 3) nowhere near ambitious enough - dude took German studies for a major, dafuq is that shit 4) also not nearly intelligent enough for N. As my friend was trying to console me, N's anaconda don't want none unless it's my buns, hun.
- Lol. That pic cracks me up. It's also oddly really mesmerizing. I'll fuck that if I was a straight guy. I think?
- Over break, I'll be back in the motherland while N is going to be in HK. I think for Christmas he'll fly over, then after Christmas I'll fly with him to HK until I get back to London. He told me that it'll be good that we are spending some time apart for break, so that he can remember how much he misses me, and not take me for granted the next time we're together again. As much as I like the final outcome, I resent the process. The very fact that he has to be physically away from me, to realize that I deserve respect more than the modicum that he some times gives to me, is frankly very insulting to my large ego. I plan to use the break to discuss with my sister what I should do...if I should move out and get my own place and shit.
- Relationships are actually really really tough and it has opened my eyes that as much as I thought mine with N would be bulletproof, it really isn't.