Friday, December 26, 2014

Three Good Things on Boxing Day


  1. I found a bunch of old Oyster cards in my room and my sister's room (when I was trying to find her backpack), that I can return in London for a total of 5 quid x 5 each = 25 quid. Free money in some ways lol.
  2. I had such an amazing time catching up with very unexpected company. There was this dude that I knew from the army many years ago, and we didn't keep in contact until he moved to Hong Kong earlier this year and I integrated him with my group of friends and we all hung out a lot. He's a mad cool guy (he sells beer for a living!), so it was great to meet with him and his girlfriend over some nice hot ramen (good for the weather. I came back here thinking I could get a tan cos I'm a pasty white piece of crap now but it's been raining everyday...) and she's super chill too. Then we had some amazeballs tiramisu (who knew tiramisu would taste so good outside of Italy - but forreals though I didn't like tiramisu in Rome when I tried it, similarly I didn't like apfelstrudel in Vienna, Peking duck in Beijing, fish & chips in London...you get the picture) and then we headed over to a bar with really funky cocktails to meet up with another of my random friends (I knew her from elementary school but she similarly also met up with me when she had a stint in Hong Kong!). Great company really. 
  3. I bought a pair of Emporio Armani gloves for N online. I know it made him super happy because he immediately told me "omg omg omg I love them" hahaha. In turn, it made me really happy too! A couple weeks ago we both went to watch a premiere of a Korean Film, and he unfortunately left his Pal Zileri gloves at the theater and they got stolen when he went back to find them...he was really upset because it was 295 quid (which is like 460 usd ouch), so I knew he would want new gloves again. EA is also good enough for his extremely bougie taste haha. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Three Good Things on Christmas Day

I have a strange uneasiness creeping back into me again, but I'm going to soldier on and continue with this exercise:


  1. It's Christmas! I got to wear my spanking new Versace sweater which actually made me really happy and I got to really, really blast Christmas music in the house. (i.e. Justin Bieber's Mistletoe hahahaha!)
  2. Though we don't do gift exchanges or sing carols (my fam's not religious in the slightest), my mom is a terrific cook and she whipped up INCREDIBLE dishes at home and my siblings and I had friends over and it was all a lovely sight. There was a whole host of awesome canapes (smoked salmon on garlic bread, tuna roe on crackers, stuffed portobellos), honey-baked ham, lamb chops, duck, lobster bisque, and oxtail soup - pretty British stuff there. Everything was amazing and all my friends enjoyed it thoroughly. We even took a photo by our Christmas tree (which is pretty fancy since it's actually silver sequins and the stems are black) with our dogs!
  3. We all watched The Interview together which, although only warranted a 5.5/10 from me, had bits that got us into raucous laughter so at least there's that hah. Problem with Seth Rogen and James Franco is that they are too in-your-face with their racism and homophobia, which although I know is all in the name of fun, it's pretty childish still. Now Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum (21 & 22 Jump Street) on the other hand are hilaarrrrious.
Although this isn't exactly something good, but I guess I've two more days left till I see N in HK. I'm excited too.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Three Good Things on Christmas Eve

Continuing with my utter lack of willpower with combatting my jetlag (it is now 6 am, oh yeah I'm home for the hols btw),


  1. I had AYCE Sichuan hotpot for lunch with my college bestie, her boyfriend, and a bunch of their friends. It was so so good to see my bestie again. Her new boyfriend though...eh. He's a "nice" guy, that's pretty much it..lol. But anyway, great food, and great company :o)
  2. I had oysters with my oldest-friend bestie and his girlfriend, and it was great catching up with them. (Also, N is in HK right now doing an internship, and we are using these 17 or so days apart to well, do the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing, hence why I'm meeting all my friends + partners without my own partner)
  3. Above couple + my other oldest-friend bestie came over to my place to watch a movie, and for the longest time we couldn't decide on what to watch, and ended up going for the YA genre-ed The Maze Runner. It was hilarious that it was such a big.fucking.mistake. The YA genre is sickeningly absorbed with unnecessary recalcitrance and self-indulgence, my friends and I just tore the movie apart throughout which was very comical. Along with the Hunger Games (blatant sordid rip-off of the original dystopian novel, Battle Royale), Divergent, The Giver, etc.) 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Attitude Adjustment

Hello all! I shall layout in an organized format, actionable plans to make myself a happier person. I'll be referencing http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/pessimists-guide-being-optimistic:
  1. Quick distractions when stuck in a negative spiral: Hmm. I've always used jacking off as a quick distraction, although it feels kind of empty. Maybe I should try joining N with his bootcamp thing. I didn't want to in the past because I'm terrified of a) not having the discipline to keep up b) getting pissed off with N because he is very fit and competitive, c) not having time to do other shit like...well, fretting about life. So maybe this should change.
    Next time I get pissed off with N too, I shall remember: It doesn't help if I keep accusing him of things! Quickly leave the scenario, take a shower, distract myself with singing, and come back more positive!
    I'll also try my best to stop listening to sad songs, and listen to pure annoyingly catchy pop music by Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift etc. I oddly take comfort in the fact that they're so confident in how annoying they are that I actually really do respect them for just being who they are: i.e. kinda vacuous yet entrepreneurial Pretty Young Things.
  2.  

  3. Exaggerate scenarios to comic hilarity: Ok this is a great pointer and I'll do it next time. It's probably always best to write things down so that I can see it all very clearly. I'll start with my scenario now: after making it to final rounds for 2 consulting firms, I have been kicked to the curb and currently I am back to square one: jobless as usual. As I am now 26, and have yet to hold a real job, I will continue forever being jobless and living off my parents, getting more and more depressed by how pathetic I've become that I will continue my binge-eating KFC Bucket for One and McD's 20 piece McNuggets to the point that I become obese, and so stressed out that I drop all my hair and become bald, everyone will mock me, my boyfriend will leave me because I'm not only jobless but also a bald fat debbie downer, my parents will kick me out of the house and I will have to live on the streets and fend for myself as a whore but I'll be fat and bald so I'll have zero clients and...
    wait. So far everything sounds pretty plausible though...err...
    or on the plus-side of extremity I become the next Zuckerberg. Except, well, not so Jewish and a lot more yellow.
  4. Reframe the problem so that it's not my fault: Statistics man. London market is ultra-competitive so it's not personal. Only 10 out of 1000 applicants received offers for the firms I applied for and I wasn't one of the 10, no biggie. I gave it my very bestest and the people I were up against were incredibly qualified. Infinitely boring, but incredibly qualified.
  5. Fake it till I make it: Well actually, I do this quite a lot. Although what I've realised is, I'm too honest to really fake it that well, and I tend to falter with my "bolstered" image after a while. I think I'm just gonna ignore this point.
  6. Thrive off N's optimism: The good news for me is, N is overwhelmingly optimistic. In fact, many times I see it as naiveté. Although he is very optimistic, N is not very expressive, so many times I don't feel his optimism rub off on me. I have to somehow work on this. Maybe I can talk to him about this. 
  7. Purge the evil in my life: This is going to be so, so, difficult, but I guess I'll try. I'm going to try swearing off hard alcohol for a trial period of 6 months. From now on, only wine for me, where it is much easier for me to know when I should stop drinking cos it kicks in much slower in my system than with hard alcohol which makes me black out way too easily. I will also start saying out loud things like, "I acknowledge the presence of ____ in my class, who is a nice person other than the fact that she is unhealthily competitive and it brings me down, so I will minimise contact with her." 
I'm also going to do this Three Good Things Today for a week thing, and then start it again when school starts again. Gonna see if this helps.
  1. I finally decided to set an alarm for myself to snap out of my wimpy jetlagged state and took coffee to stay awake throughout the day, and although it's 3.33am now that I'm writing this but oh well! 
  2. I watched They Came Together which was a riot and a half for me (I love Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler) and although N didn't enjoy it, I still laughed my ass off. 
  3. Had INCREDIBLE shrimp in salted egg yolk (Chinese dish) for dinner that was just mindblowingly good mmmm..


I believe with all these, I wouldn't have to find happiness, happiness will find me!

...Okay fuck the last line it's way too cliche for my cynical shell.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Sadness


I don't know what to say. There are many things in my head, and I feel like word vomit is going to come out, but I have nothing to say too.

I'm a very tortured human being.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Racism against Asians in the gay community


Wow. You know what? I'm tired of white people. All the modern-day black lynching, and this constant "innocuous" racism against Asians, is just whatever to me. None of these guys have thought through about selective bias, which is that the majority of Asians into white guys will be bottoms because they themselves have fed into the internalized stereotype that most Asians are bottoms. However, taking me as an example, almost 80% of all Asians (which definitely amounted to several 100 people) who spoke to me on Jack'd/Grindr etc. were tops into Asian bottoms. These white Americans obviously will never meet the Asians who don't like white guys (of which seriously, there are plenty, OUTSIDE of America goddammit these guys are so fucking close-minded) because they won't be hanging out at the same place anyway! Just like how I hardly know any lesbians.

Man. This was in 2006 so hopefully things have improved for a while, but really, I get very annoyed also when N, or the Belgian boy in my class tell me that they think all Asians are bottoms, and that most Asians are feminine. In fact, the Belgian boy told me that I am the only Asian guy he has found himself really attracted to, and _that's_ what makes me special. I should really not talk to this racist son of a bitch (he once told me that he truly believes black people are born stupid cos they do worse on IQ tests) but it is so hard to resist because his body is so, so, banging grrr. Typical gymrate douchebag I guess.

This also suddenly reminded me how when I was in Spain for holiday back when I was still on the Grindr scene, many Spaniards would compliment me being one of the few Asians they think are "beautiful" and back then I really took it as a big compliment but now the other side of the meaning to it has hit me too...adding on to that it's very frustrating how whenever I jerked off on webcam, loads of dudes would tell me that my body is really fit & smooth, and I've got a great bubble butt (not anymore though boooo, the downsides of being attached), and I don't think they mind my dick (I keep it well-trimmed and everything plus I've got pretty nice low-hangers) but when they ask to see my face (which I never do - I don't ever want to end up on xtube or some shit), sometimes I reply "sure I'm Asian btw" and they just drop the call right there and then.

I'm actually very glad that I'm super boyish looking because yo when I'm 50, I'll still look like I'm in my 30s dawg, and that's the real-deal fountain of youth right there. Like not even kidding, my skin is ridiculously smooth and taut it some times is really bad because I think that I'm formidable and tan quite a bit even though it ages people, and I don't ever use sunscreen because I only bronze and hardly ever turn red/splotchy/peel-ey like white people. I also definitely do not have a small dick, and I am definitely not flaming, and I've quite a lot of Asian gay friends who aren't flaming too. But yeah ok fine dude, I'm a bottom, whatevs lol, I just don't like bumholes...

I think it's a huge chore for N that he has to constantly shave like, everywhere. Even his bum is hairy, like dafuq is up with that?? I don't like hairy guys, it's a big turn-off for me. I also don't like fat guys, because that's also a huge turn-off for me. I also don't like old guys, because well, I like taut youthful-looking skin.

All the above are actual, real, preferences not based on stereotyping across a whole race...which is what annoys me when people tell me "oh please just chill out, everyone has their own tastes!" Dude. I didn't say "oh I don't like white guys cos they tend to be fat, hairy, and really saggy when they grow old." That's a big difference.

Even this lesbian chick in my class, when we were all asking her for her preferences in girls, someone asked, do you like Asians? And she immediately replied with a huge "No, don't find them attractive." And I was like wow, okay, sure...and then someone asked, how about black girls? And then she suddenly became so coy and was all like, "well...actually so far I haven't met any that I found attractive so not really..."

I fucking flared up like a melodramatic bitch. Why the fuck is it ok for someone to just blatantly say NO ASIANS but for blacks they have to be all like, oh...I could come across racist that way. Fuck you.

And I realize, this is really all just media and shit hyped up. Like 90% of all porn I watch are white guys. But when a really hot muscular Asian comes along, I am so turned on. Because they are so underrepresented. Like Ken Ott. But he's a bottom too. No biggie, he's still so so hot. So if there were actually loads of really hot muscular Asians in porn, I'll watch Asian porn all the time. But the problem is the porn industry thinks that the demand for Asians are the femme bottoming twinks, which put me off no matter what race. So I end up watching white guys bang...Also, I think if the media portrayed black guys in a better light when I was growing up, I wouldn't be so averse to looking at black porn, plus again, the porn industry thinks that the demand for blacks are fucking anaconda-typed top 'thugs', and 1) thugs in general, no matter what race, disgust me 2) overly-huge dicks put me off too. Now if there were more Shemar Moore type of dudes, that'll be great.

Anyway, I know this whole entry once again reeks of self-absorption, but I do think I've raised some pretty real issues.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

我并不懦弱

Wow. Real life is really so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I shall eat my humble pie and never assume again that I got it figured out more than others around me.

Things are not good with me. There is a constant energy drain that I feel every time I go back to N's place. On aggregate, the last few months have really opened my eyes up a lot about relationships, and all that happens next after the "honeymoon phase."

Firstly, the honeymoon phase is all too real. I thought it would be a phase that would last a lot longer though. I thought that all people make mistakes, and that in a relationship, two people would work together to overcome these hurdles, these mistakes, that these will hurt from time to time but people move on.

I'm wrong. That night in August when I physically hurt him in a drunken stupor that I don't remember and will forever regret, things changed forever. I thought we picked up the pieces and moved on through open and honest communication about our feelings, through me seeing a therapist to work on my anger management issues, through me making an actual effort to not drink when I am unhappy. But it seems to have formed a permanent scar for N, while my guilt have formed scabs that are constantly picked on by him.

That night ended our honeymoon. He has systematically been pushing me out of his life, and with that, I have grown needier for attention, and ultimately have now questioned the very fundamentals of a monogamous relationship. Sadly, and it really hurts to say this, but I don't feel that he wants to connect with me anymore, even though after every fight that we have, he will tell me that he does, but he needs time, and then we have amazing make-up sex, but that's really the only time ever that we fuck - after a big fight.

Is it actually possible to love and be loved in return, in the aggregate of things, with one person for a very long time? I don't know. I used to think so. Maybe in a perfectly healthy relationship, which was what I thought I had. But the more N is cold to me, the more I start trying to find validation elsewhere, which is terrible of course. I actually watched so much porn at school because I was so sexually frustrated that I used up all my 4gb of mobile data in two weeks. Yeah, I jizzed in every bathroom at school basically.

Two weeks ago it was an all time low when I A) was gulled into thinking that things were fine after our big big fight early Nov when we patched things up after 2) but I still felt the emotional chasm creeping back up 3) Concrete evidence, at least in my perspective, was that N didn't plan anything for my birthday, which was the single thing I was looking forward to in a constant onslaught of job rejections. The emotional abuse that I got from being constantly turned down without interviews was so tough, and I really wanted some support in a place where my main support system, i.e. my mom, wasn't around. Then there was a house party where I drank a bit, and saw the Belgian boy in my class with a ridiculously tight A&F shirt and his bulging pecs, and so I flirted with him and grazed his thighs/touched his shoulders for a lot longer than is considered platonic.

He texted me later that night saying I was touchy, and in my clouded judgment I asked him if he wanted to have cybersex. He said no, but he could wank in front of me in the bathroom and let me watch. I said yes, and asked when was he free. I was so turned on I wrote to him "my dick is so fucking hard for you right now" and I ended up jacking off twice that night to porn while N was asleep.

The next day I felt so guilty about my deliberations to cheat on N. I didn't meet up with the guy, and a few days later I decided to do it the healthier albeit more painful way of telling N how I felt: the sexual frustration, the emotional neglect, the birthday, etc. and we made up. Things were looking tenuously better all the way until two days ago when he was using my iPad and those iMessage sexts from two weeks ago started popping up for no reason and he read them all.

Firstly, fuck iMessages. I deleted them off my iPhone but of course it'll appear on my iPad as well. Secondly, I don't know where we are at right now. On the surface he is telling me he is fine, but I know he has a habit of faking to me that all is fine, just so that I can focus on other things instead, like studies or job-hunting, but then it'll slowly become obvious to me that it's all fake and I get even more and more hurt and do stupid things like what I did.

It probably also doesn't help at all that I am currently living at his place with his dad and sister in the house, both of whom are apparently oblivious that we are dating (conservative Middle Eastern culture). We don't have any private time where we can be silly with each other or feel intimate. The whole environment is just sorely wrong. Back when he was living with my family, it was so different. My family is so much more open-minded and they left us alone to do our own things a lot, which obviously also included sex (we even did it once in the movie room at home wahaha - had to dodge the CCTV that my mom installed around the house).

Anyway, I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is going to happen after Christmas break when we are going to spend two weeks apart. I don't know if I have the strength in me anymore to continue in a relationship that is always tenuously civil at best, with no more of the feeling of being drunkenly in love. Maybe for him he has already prepared himself three months ago, that we had a good run, maybe the best run we will ever have in our lives, and that maybe it is time to move on.