Saturday, December 6, 2014

我并不懦弱

Wow. Real life is really so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I shall eat my humble pie and never assume again that I got it figured out more than others around me.

Things are not good with me. There is a constant energy drain that I feel every time I go back to N's place. On aggregate, the last few months have really opened my eyes up a lot about relationships, and all that happens next after the "honeymoon phase."

Firstly, the honeymoon phase is all too real. I thought it would be a phase that would last a lot longer though. I thought that all people make mistakes, and that in a relationship, two people would work together to overcome these hurdles, these mistakes, that these will hurt from time to time but people move on.

I'm wrong. That night in August when I physically hurt him in a drunken stupor that I don't remember and will forever regret, things changed forever. I thought we picked up the pieces and moved on through open and honest communication about our feelings, through me seeing a therapist to work on my anger management issues, through me making an actual effort to not drink when I am unhappy. But it seems to have formed a permanent scar for N, while my guilt have formed scabs that are constantly picked on by him.

That night ended our honeymoon. He has systematically been pushing me out of his life, and with that, I have grown needier for attention, and ultimately have now questioned the very fundamentals of a monogamous relationship. Sadly, and it really hurts to say this, but I don't feel that he wants to connect with me anymore, even though after every fight that we have, he will tell me that he does, but he needs time, and then we have amazing make-up sex, but that's really the only time ever that we fuck - after a big fight.

Is it actually possible to love and be loved in return, in the aggregate of things, with one person for a very long time? I don't know. I used to think so. Maybe in a perfectly healthy relationship, which was what I thought I had. But the more N is cold to me, the more I start trying to find validation elsewhere, which is terrible of course. I actually watched so much porn at school because I was so sexually frustrated that I used up all my 4gb of mobile data in two weeks. Yeah, I jizzed in every bathroom at school basically.

Two weeks ago it was an all time low when I A) was gulled into thinking that things were fine after our big big fight early Nov when we patched things up after 2) but I still felt the emotional chasm creeping back up 3) Concrete evidence, at least in my perspective, was that N didn't plan anything for my birthday, which was the single thing I was looking forward to in a constant onslaught of job rejections. The emotional abuse that I got from being constantly turned down without interviews was so tough, and I really wanted some support in a place where my main support system, i.e. my mom, wasn't around. Then there was a house party where I drank a bit, and saw the Belgian boy in my class with a ridiculously tight A&F shirt and his bulging pecs, and so I flirted with him and grazed his thighs/touched his shoulders for a lot longer than is considered platonic.

He texted me later that night saying I was touchy, and in my clouded judgment I asked him if he wanted to have cybersex. He said no, but he could wank in front of me in the bathroom and let me watch. I said yes, and asked when was he free. I was so turned on I wrote to him "my dick is so fucking hard for you right now" and I ended up jacking off twice that night to porn while N was asleep.

The next day I felt so guilty about my deliberations to cheat on N. I didn't meet up with the guy, and a few days later I decided to do it the healthier albeit more painful way of telling N how I felt: the sexual frustration, the emotional neglect, the birthday, etc. and we made up. Things were looking tenuously better all the way until two days ago when he was using my iPad and those iMessage sexts from two weeks ago started popping up for no reason and he read them all.

Firstly, fuck iMessages. I deleted them off my iPhone but of course it'll appear on my iPad as well. Secondly, I don't know where we are at right now. On the surface he is telling me he is fine, but I know he has a habit of faking to me that all is fine, just so that I can focus on other things instead, like studies or job-hunting, but then it'll slowly become obvious to me that it's all fake and I get even more and more hurt and do stupid things like what I did.

It probably also doesn't help at all that I am currently living at his place with his dad and sister in the house, both of whom are apparently oblivious that we are dating (conservative Middle Eastern culture). We don't have any private time where we can be silly with each other or feel intimate. The whole environment is just sorely wrong. Back when he was living with my family, it was so different. My family is so much more open-minded and they left us alone to do our own things a lot, which obviously also included sex (we even did it once in the movie room at home wahaha - had to dodge the CCTV that my mom installed around the house).

Anyway, I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for what is going to happen after Christmas break when we are going to spend two weeks apart. I don't know if I have the strength in me anymore to continue in a relationship that is always tenuously civil at best, with no more of the feeling of being drunkenly in love. Maybe for him he has already prepared himself three months ago, that we had a good run, maybe the best run we will ever have in our lives, and that maybe it is time to move on.

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