Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How funny life works

N told me at the very start of our relationship that he cannot condone cheating. His dad was a serial cheater, and physically abused his mom many times, and even passed on an STD to her that he got from a hooker. They split up and it's been messy ever since, and he doesn't want anything that has happened to his mom to happen to him.

Except that he has become his father.

While he was on the phone upstairs with his dad, I went on his facebook and realised that the reason why he was so cold to me, the actual reason behind all his phone calls at 1 am to "his mom" due to time difference in the Middle East, was because he was cheating on me with another Asian boy he met on Instagram. They have exchanged dick pics, said that they love each other, said they are meant for each other, etc.

It's scary to remove myself from this situation because I trusted him so much. I gave N my entire heart, and thought he would take care of it. He has taken me for granted so, so much. But the truth is I don't know what is my life without him. I have honestly let him in completely.

To think that it is the new year tomorrow.

why can't i stop coughing

it's so annoying!!! i've been koffing for a week now and it's killing me. i've self-medicated to zero results...

man every time i go out with N now, he is CONSTANTLY instagramming, just because he somehow found himself semi "insta-famous" with 18k followers, so whenever we are at a nice 2 michelin-star restaurant or whatever, HE IS ALWAYS ON HIS GODDAMN PHONE editing the pictures of the fucking food we are eating. and it pisses me off and i have told him before that it pisses me off because it is rude and disrespectful and he tells me he doesn't like my attitude???

grrr

it's always so easy for him to be like "hey you're being annoying what is it with your attitude"

and i get all "fuck. it's because you're fucking annoying as fucking hell you motherfucking fuck of a cunt go fuck a duck" which doesn't help because i swear so much at him, so yes once again he's all "there. attitude"

also our relationship has become sexless

ohnoes

wtf

all i do is wank a shit ton. sigh. he's stressed out with school and job applications blahblah (strangely he seems to be facing the same number of rejections as i have done - but he's actually british while i had to fight for my sad lil immigrant visa) so he told me he feels asexual now lol.

i've actually been quite an understanding boyf. blargghhh

Sunday, December 20, 2015

You and me got a whole lotta history


Ok so I actually really like One Direction, and it (kinda) sucks they're not gonna be making any more teenybopper music for the next few years.

Man I'm SO HAPPY that Christmas is here. I need a well-deserved break from work. Although to be completely fair, my situation ain't as bad as my friends. My other consultant friends work until 1 am every single fucking day, and let's not even start with the others in investment banks/PE funds - 2 am is normal. I end work at about 6.30 or 7 pm every day, which is fantastic really, given the nature of my job.

Anyway since this blog is where I speak about my slutty thoughts in secret, I went back to the bathroom mall where I first semi-wanked with an older guy at the urinal. This mall is actually along the way that I walk from my client's office towards my own office, and so I cheekily decided to go check it out again. Funny enough - there was yet another older guy standing at the urinal with his erect (pretty fat) cock out again, and he peered at me so much (like literally he stuck his head out over to try and look at my dick but I hid it with my hands) I couldn't pee and I actually started getting really hard. There were other people that came in and out of the toilet too and some were also just standing there checking out other people's cocks.

Man - I think I found a cruising spot really. Which is crazy because this is a really nice mall with a swanky rooftop bar - but I do think the bathroom architect must have been a gay man because it's really way too easy to check out each other's dicks.

Anyway I left because my heart started pounding a lot and I didn't really want him to see my dick because he was older, kinda fat, and not attractive, but still the idea of wanking at the urinals with a sizzling hot muscular guy is a really really hot fantasy of mine. Some times I really just let my imagination run wild with these things because I know that I don't want to (really) do anything to jeopardize my relationship with N, but I also really do like fantasy sex.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

My son was kissing boys in the street


Golden. 

Also, I'm a little afraid I'm going to grow up to become a pedophile, or one of those old geezers who pay for money boys (obviously, disregarding the fact that I am in a very good and loving relationship [still! I know it's crazy] with N), because I really really like the young & handsome 18-25 look [like the guy above], which is discomfiting because many of my friends seem to prefer older 30+ guys?

Also, something that's weirdly very American about me is that I only wear boxer shorts for underwear. I don't like it when briefs or boxer briefs bunch up around my balls and it feels very constricting, so I just let it all hang with boxer shorts. When I once tried N's boxer briefs on, he looked at me with disgust and was like "eww this is so weird that you're wearing something so tight" and it made me feel annoyed that he doesn't think I can "pull" off wearing something European-sexy like boxer briefs and have to stick to my loose-fit unfashionable boxer shorts...w t f

Monday, December 7, 2015

Life has become boring as a corporate zombie

I do the same routines day in day out, and I am slowly just getting used to this boredom - that scares me! I don't want to be a boring person...

Sunday, December 6, 2015

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone

So my previous entry was definitely pretty sketchy haha. Think things should be fine though - I didn't really do much and anyway - I like how it looks down below! So I'm not too bothered I guess if I ended up online hah.

Anyway, life is so strange right now. Being a consultant definitely has its ups and downs...I'm based at my client's office which is not in London so every Monday to Thursday I'm living in a hotel and eating room service or whatever. It gets really quite shitty because I'm a really spoilt guy and this little village has less than 200,000 people so it's honestly some sort of farm countryside for me and it got really depressing I actually cried during lunch at the cafeteria last week. I don't know if this experience will toughen me up or something (I have six more fucking months on this project) but I've really been trying very hard to adjust to how people live outside of major cities. The food is always so horrible, everyone is obese, no one is Asian and I really cannot understand anyone's accents because it's so regional and thick - you would think that everyone speaks the Queen's English in the UK but fuck that only the posh kids do everyone speaks some sort of Cockney.

On the other hand everything I spend on weekdays is paid for, plus I'm not paying rent since N owns the house we are living in, so I am saving a crazy amount of money, and collecting all those hotel and credit card points along the way. Because of that I have become even more materialistic than ever - and spent about 1000£ buying stuff from Gucci, Burberry, Prada, Versace etc hahaha. Guess that's the good side of being a consultant - I am definitely gonna book myself a five star hotel next year when I vacay either in Dubai or Malta.

N has been so stressed out with applying for internships (he applied to more than 30 holy fuck I only applied for 12...) and doing all the relentless online assessments and he got so depressed he cried so much yesterday as I was hugging him in bed. He said he's really just very tired. He hasn't had good news so far, plus he's juggling a lot of school work and extracurricular shit too, because unlike me, he loves keeping himself so much busier than he can handle. Silly kid really. I felt so bad for him and I've really been trying to be supportive by helping him a lot with his CVs cover letters etc, but some times we just snap at each other because it's a period of change for both of us now, and it's almost reminiscent of what we went through last year but I guess this time it's a lot better because I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating on me and neither am I (also there are absolutely no cute guys at work at all).

I'm gonna head back home for Chinese New Year though I'm staying here for Christmas because N is staying in London. Really wanted to go back home for two weeks but my manager was like "that's during crunch time..." Ugh. It's fucking expensive to fly back home so I can't believe I'm flying back for just a week but guess this is the shitty part of working so far away from the motherland hah. I just really miss my family again, and being back in Asia will definitely re-invigorate me.

Oh yeah we had a company Christmas party recently and something funny pretty happened. This pretty cute blond dude who's hooking up with this girl I'm pretty close with told me "man you're always dressed so sharp!! You're a handsome young man and I'm just gutted why aren't the ladies queueing up for you?" And the girl hit the guy really hard on the shoulder and said "he has a boyfriend!! And his boyfriend is really cute too" and he started apologising and mumbling some shit that all straight guys feel the need to say when they meet a gay guy "oh my roommates brother is gay and he comes over to chill all the time and it's all good I like him a lot" and I was just laughing really hard at how awkward it got. Especially since this guy came up to me drunkenly once at the urinals and said that he loves me and actually kissed my cheek while I was peeing but he closed his eyes and was saying "don't worry I won't look" but I kind of wanted him to peek hahaha. It's so sad but I really do like straight guys as eye candy a lot more than gay guys.

Also that was a fucking long run on sentence but I'm on my phone and I'm too lazy to use proper punctuation.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

i think i just did something stupid

i was in a bathroom of a mall, when i realized that the walls facing the urinals were completely reflective, so i could see everyone else peeing. there was this old dude two urinals away from me who kept looking over at me, and for some reason though at first i was creeped out, i got turned on and started jerking myself off. he couldn't take his eyes off my hard dick and i stroked it a lot and was close to cumming when someone else came into the bathroom and so i jolted out.

but now thinking about it - fuck, what if he was filming me somehow? i just googled this and such "spy" stuff is everywhere... gahhhh

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Coming out at work is difficult,

But not for the reasons that are common for others.

It's so strange, but I now understand it fully when someone once told me that coming out is a lifelong ongoing process. Although I'm openly gay to as many as 400+ of my friends, I still feel the same jittery feeling I felt a year ago when I come out to my colleagues. Initially felt even stranger that I feel more guarded with them than my grad schoolmates, when we have been told umpteen times so far at work that this is an inclusive environment where everyone needs to embrace gender, ethnic, sexual, etc. etc. diversity.

But then it made sense to me upon further rumination why I still feel wary around coworkers. And yes, please don't ask me why I use the word rumination - I just do. And the reason is race-related, for some strange reason. At grad school, even at college, I made friends who were socially and culturally roughly consistent with myself. I haven't found that at work. I've really warmed up a bit more to everyone, but I've entered a workplace that is far, far less diverse than they make themselves out to be, at least on the more 'visible' fronts. Sure, people studied a gamut of different majors, and people are from everywhere else in the UK, but still almost everyone is from middle-class UK.

Why is it so hard for me to feel comfortable around them? It's probably due to the same feeling I felt in the states too with Midwesterners. I cannot help but feel that on many levels, we cannot relate to each other. Many of my colleagues are from small towns in the UK that I have never heard of, and cannot place geographically. Many have streamed down into London, but haven't actually studied or lived here before. People here are definitely more well-informed about the world than back in the Midwest, but still I can't help but feel different because these are small town kids 2-6 years younger than me.

Yes. I realize it is once again just so goddamn shitty of myself to judge people this way. I have actually told almost all of the very few Asian people here that I'm gay, and I really do think the only reason is because I feel more comfortable around them because socioeconomically, I get them. They've travelled the world a lot more, their parents have paid a lot of money to get them here to study and hence they work pretty hard, and I just find that their lives are a lot more relatable for me. Similarly in grad school, I came out to people who I felt I could relate to, socioeconomically. This percentage was definitely higher than at work now - because my school fees were fucking expensive.

I was at a bar earlier tonight, where it was a huge event where loads of colleagues were taking full advantage of the open bar, and I felt really out of place. The speakers were horrible, the club was in a sketchy basement (albeit huge basement), and the music was just awful. I honestly felt too posh and snobbish standing there with my Burberry trench to put in effort to mingle, and then I felt guilty so I tried to speak with a few people, but ended up just speaking to people from Cambridge, who have been oddly calming for me because they tend to be overprivileged twats.

Honestly, while I'm extremely thankful that I've been so fortunate my whole life to have been born with such a golden spoon, it's also strangely self-alienating for me when my life is really different from most other people. I really have been way too overprivileged.

Which is why I just want to work, and not do anything social with colleagues. When I'm working, it's great - I feel like I'm part of a team, and that's my identity - my safety net. I'm in the zone, and nobody asks me any personal questions or tells me anything personal. I feel judged just based on my performance, and nothing else. Similarly, I judge everyone else based on the same criteria.

But when I'm not working, I start feeling awkward. I start judging people - and pretty harshly too. A colleague will lament to me that payday needs to come earlier because she only has 20£ left in her bank account. In contrast, my parents dumped 200,000£ in my bank account "for a rainy day." Another would say he really wants to get on a client project outside of the EU because he's never left, and I don't know how to reply because I'm actually sick of travelling the world. I also get a lot of comments about the way I dress - because I do love men's fashion, and I do like my brands, but it was so weird for me today when someone was telling me that his dream is to own a Burberry trench. When I do tell people about my boyfriend, they ask me if I'm paying rent when I'm living with him, and when I say no, he owns the place, people raise their eyebrows because it is pretty strange for a 23 year old to own a house in London.

Everything above is very dick-ish for sure, but the true story is:

It is actually not easy at all to get such an overprivilege in check in Europe or in America, especially when vast majorities of Westerners still hold the belief that Asian people work for restaurants, nail salons, or dry cleaners, and we come to these big cities to search "for a better life." In many ways, precisely because of this subtle but definitely still evident racism, I tend to inflate my overprivilege. Questions like "so what was your preconceived stereotype of British people when you first came to London?" - are people expecting an answer like "Oh! I thought everyone would wear bowler hats and be so much more cosmopolitan than I am!" As if I've never been to London before I moved here (I've visited London 5 times before moving here last year). Someone also actually asked me if Hong Kong is named after the Vietcong.

So yep. This is why I do not feel comfortable coming out to my peers at work. I've come out to the partners though - I know they are well-travelled, well-spoken, and definitely well-off. But for the rest of my peers, I can't help it. It's just too weird.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

New Job


I love this song. So calming, so masculine and yet so delicate - this is exactly what I like about men.

Anyway, my new job has officially started. It's amazing because I have six weeks of training in total, and I've done three so far, and I can't even begin to describe how blessed I feel that I managed to get this gig. My opportunities after this will be really good - I am sure about this.

It's also great that I'm surrounded by so many like-minded, and smart, people. Loads of people here are from Oxbridge and I can really tell the difference between them and the Essex type that the other half is swarmed by. 7% of the cohort is Asian (terribly few), so I initially felt very out of place (given the fact that my U.S. college was pretty much 30% Asian, and my grad school in the U.K. was 40% Asian), compounded with the fact that everyone is such a "bloke" (English version of a frat bro) but I've coped I believe.

I've learned quite a lot about myself - especially the fact that I need to doubt myself less. I am in fact really quite smart (now that I've been able to compare myself with the rest) so I shouldn't feel like my cultural and sexual "differences" will hamper me. It paralyzed me at the beginning though - in fact I even spoke to one of the partners about this.

Anyway, yeah, life is extremely hopeful now :o)

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Major Crush - JJ Feild

HOLY SWEET LORD JESUS I'M ON FIRE

So I've been spending my last two weeks of freedom before work starts next week completely bumming around at home alone (N is in Greece with his friends), and binge-eating and binge-watching the telly. Today Brokeback Mountain was on so I watched it again, and felt such a deep sense of sadness and...a general sense of "feeling" I guess, that I wanted to watch something else light to wash over the heaviness of everything.

Austenland was on on another channel, and the plot seemed so silly I thought what the heck let's see where this goes. Turns out it was perfect - fluffy, silly, funny, doesn't take itself seriously at all. But best of all,

HENRY NOBLEY aka a parody of Mr. Darcy aka JJ Feild.

Oh dear mother of all gods, nobody has ever alerted me to the existence of this fine specimen who does indeed look like a cross between Tom Hiddleston and Lee Pace, both of whom I fucking love. Tom for well, his great acting. His Loki was really good, and he was pretty cool in Lovers Left Alive too. Lee Pace was so adorably swooning in Pushing Daisies. AND THIS GUY IS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. AND THOSE PUPPY DOG EYES.




You know, I've actually always imagined that I would end up dating someone who looks like that: intellectual, tousled, strange and brooding, but smiley around me. Oh, and yes, definitely the English grace and manners. N is intellectual (but not intellectual-looking), definitely not tousled (he straightens his hair all the time to look perfectly magazine-ready all the time), not brooding (most of the time super optimistic), but yes definitely smiley around me. And very strangely I don't notice his British accent and grace, because when he speaks with me it's quite a baby voice ahahah; however all my American friends who've met him have told me "Oohh!! You never did tell me about his sexy accent!"

So I guess, while I definitely will fangirlfaint if I see JJ Feild in real life, I do have my own version of Mr. Darcy with me now, and he does sweep me off my feet (literally some times too, because he is 6 inches taller than me...)

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Yeah, she's kinda hot though


I love this song. It just brings me back to my younger days when I hardcore listened to Good Charlotte, Sum 41, Green Day, and other punk rock bands. Back then, it felt good to listen to them because they were angsty and rebellious, and I definitely felt that way.

Also, very random, but I wished I had more skinnybitch female friends. Like if I walk on the street with a self-assured quirky long-legged skinny girl in heels with an oversized cardigan, man that's kinda hot though. Most of my female friends are pretty big-boned (not fat, just bulkier than me...which is embarrassing). Speaking of bulk...I'm still nowhere near my body goals. Picture below was taken two weeks ago. My body fat % is still way too high, and it's hard to cut down when I feel like I overeat each meal but somehow don't regret it at all because I truly truly love food so much. I savor flavors. Lol. Wow cheesy.



I'm currently in London by my lonesome self because N is in Greece now vacaying with his friends. I'm half sad that I couldn't join them because I would love some sun instead of this shitty English weather (it is customary to bitch about London's weather), but also half-glad because I don't really like them, and he is telling me now anyway that the trip has been very haphazard, and one thing that I find very hard to let go: I hate not planning things. The ironic thing is that I am a horrible planner half the time because I care too much about all kinds of shit I shouldn't give a fuck about.

So because N doesn't like it when I smoke, with no one else in the house, I smoke up. I've been plugging in my MacBook to the TV and watching some quality porn lolol... No but seriously I jack off like 6 times a day or something, I'm just bored and biding my time because work starts in 2 weeks, but I had to give up my passport to get my working visa sorted.

Today I smoked up and watched Eating Out 2, purely because I have seen screen grabs of Marco Dapper's incredibly beautiful physique and amazing low hangers and have definitely wanked to the idea of muscle-worshipping him in the past. The movie was actually a lot better than I expected - funny lines, great eye candy, great frontal nudity, steamy sex scenes, and loads of corniness, but all in good fun. Just very easy, shallow stuff to watch. And yes, I slow-moed his frontal nudity scene and jerked off to it lol.

Hopefully no one will stumble upon this blog wrongly, but N really did use to date that stud below (I'm sure everyone knows who he is). Apparently bisexual, and also exclusively a bottom when he dated N. So damn hot dude.

I was discussing with an attractive Portuguese friend of mine if we are sex addicts, because he told me he's also constantly horny like me. It's weird...but most of the time I don't actually want to have sex, I just want to...grab a dick and admire it. It may be normal, it may not be. No clue. I'm actually pretty old (26...) already so I should stop with these raging hormones but...oh well.

They say we’re losers and we’re alright with that 
We are the leaders of the not-coming-back’s 
But we’re alright though (We’re alright though) 
Yeah, we’re alright though (We’re alright though) 
We are the kings and the queens of the new broken scene 
Yeah, we’re alright though (We're gonna be OK)

Monday, August 24, 2015

What happens if you have a huge lustful crush on your boyfriend's ex?

And kinda wish he would instigate a threesome with his old flame and you?


But c'mon if you were me, you would too.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Surrogacy

So N and I seriously want to have kids of our own, and we brought up the topic of surrogacy very seriously recently. However, none of us know how to start with finding a birth mother. We've heard it takes years to find one, and then maybe a year or two more for the baby to actually come to us. I really don't think we want to adopt (at least not for the first two kids), as we would, selfishly, to have our DNA in our kids (which is why the first two will have either my or his DNA). During this summer break, which happens to be my last ever one before I start work in September, I think I shall try and do some research on this.

Other news: looks like Iran is opening up to the rest of the world. N's dad is beyond ecstatic, because now every country wants to do business with him. This also means that I will truly have my own Persian Prince in the future! :P N is also really happy with this whole thing so I'm happy for him too. Finally, (tenuous?) vindication for his people.

Also: realized more than half my friends are consultants. Almost all kind of hate their lives. Yikes. But at least they treat you well. My friend was saying she just put in an expenses claim for US$8000 for last month. Wow.

Also: need to seriously start working out again. I am growing love handles and it's quite disturbing!!! This is all because I've been eating the same amount as back two months ago when I worked out 2-3 times a week, but now with zero exercise. I'm really worried I'm going to get fat when I start working, so I'm going to commit my darndest that I will still work out 2-3 times a week.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Gay Pride

So I was ecstatic for sure when I heard about SCOTUS' decision to legalize same-sex marriage. Good precedent for the rest of the world because, well, many countries truly do look to the USA as a role model.

Anyhow, I recently attended my first Pride parade ever. For London this took place one day after the SCOTUS decision so I naturally had high expectations. For some strange reason, I imagined it like a New Year's Eve kind of 'shebang' with giant floats, great Broadway music, many disco balls, confetti, and a variety of semi-famous to famous pop singers lending their voices to the cause (like Sam Smith, or something).

Clearly, I was super mistaken. Sam Smith probably cares more about making money anyway. The singers who sang at the 'concert' at the end of the parade were incredibly painful to listen to. Apparently some were from 'Pride's got Talent'....but they were really horrible though. Most of the parade was downright disappointing, with just a bunch of people representing corporate companies just kind of tooting their own corporate agenda in fact one even had fucking VUVUZELAS blasting throughout. I thought there would be super fabulous drag queens having a lot of fun and lip syncing to fabulous songs (part of the whole cliche, which I really wanted to soak in!), but the drag queens didn't even seem to have that much fun, it felt very toned down. Also it was immensely crowded, there was so much litter strewn everywhere on the streets, the air was filled with cigarette smoke and rancid beer, and people were rubbing their god-awful sweaty arms around me...

The whole thing felt quite abysmal to me, so I left after like an hour or so with N to Selfridges to window-shop instead ahaha.

I guess Pride wasn't really for me, but I'm glad I've gone to my first parade. I'm all for the 'concept' of Pride - one day for people to celebrate life and diversity and just having a good time, whilst also slowly paving the way for equality in the future. But I can't deny that it felt trashy. N's even worse than me, he absolutely hates Pride. He thinks it perpetuates harmful gay stereotypes (there was a performance on stage called 'Take Off' where the stewards stripped to their undies and gyrated everywhere - the funny thing was none of them had hot bodies), and also wonders why isn't there a Straight Pride? - Sometimes N is really too immature to understand these things, and I don't really have the patience to explain it to his stubborn ass that straight pride doesn't exist because everyone in the world who's straight can fucking be proud every day and make out/hold hands on the streets without fear of backlash. It's just like with this whole BlackLivesMatter thing and white people going white lives matter too!

It's really like a 'tell me something I don't already know bitch!'

Saturday, June 13, 2015

My Odyssey Years

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/12/opinion/david-brooks-how-adulthood-happens.html?_r=0

Great article, sums up how uncertain I feel about my life right now, but also how I am optimistic that I will eventually figure things out.

Life has been pretty good so far. I have one week left of school, and I'm done. I've done a bit of self-reflection for sure, and while I still feel that my master's program was a bit of a sham, I've grown quite a bit for sure.

  1. I've met more ethnic/cultural diversity among my classmates, unlike that in my American college. However, I've met less socio-economic diversity, and I've learned that affluent people behave largely similarly in spite of cultural differences. 
  2. I've learned to be more forgiving of long commute times. I scowl when friends say that a 15-minute journey is too long for them. I've definitely become more humble in this aspect. 
  3. I've learned to care less about social pressure. I've learned to say 'no' to parties when I'm too exhausted, and I've learned to be less affected when friends are invited to events that I'm not. It sounds wildly stupid, but this is quite an important growing up feature for me. It means that I am more grounded and assured of myself.
  4. I've become a lot better at talking about myself professionally. This is from the few interviews and coffee chats that I've had. Practice indeed makes perfect. I used to be so terrified about this.
  5. I've really grown again in my relationship with N. This past year saw very real-life trials and tribulations, and we overcame them all (far better than most of my friends who ended up breaking up) to become really solid together. We still say so many sweet-nothings even though it's two years since we've started dating. 
  6. I enjoy having more varied activities than before. In America it was just smoking weed and going to shitty dive bars. In Asia, it was popping bottles in clubs with people I didn't care about, or (frankly) watching movies in the cinemas. Now in London, I go to art galleries, museums, watchmaking exhibitions, ballet, plays, and enjoy myself, whereas in the past I grew bored quickly of such stuffy activities. 
  7. I've also learned to dress a lot sharper, now that I'm in Europe. This is a good thing, for sure.
In a month my parents are going to be in town and after that, I'll be going back home to Asia. It is going to be a very chill summer indeed, before starting work in September as a consultant. What the hell does that even mean really - a graduate management consultant? I see it as a necessary evil in my life - a short-term path for me to learn how to properly stand on my own two feet professionally, before I find something else more fulfilling. 

After all, life is about fulfilment.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

So happy to have left Paris

Oh god. I was in Paris the last few days and honestly, the City of Love? Wrong...it was more like the city of filth. It's pretty darn god awful with its litter-strewn streets, slum-like housing everywhere, incredibly dirty and putrid subways, and a general sense of underwhelm washing over me whenever I revisited several monuments (Arc de Triomphe, Tour Eiffel, Château de Versailles etc.), so naturally I am so happy to be back in London. Londontown is honestly really great. I had dinner today at the Ritz and walking around Green Park and stuff, man, feels so good. I still remember in Paris how I got really quite sick of all the third-world-esque filth that I went to the Champs-Élysées to pop into a few stores: Chanel, Hermès, Louis Vuitton, and the store layouts were outdated, the display pieces uninspiring, and generally just a drab - then I went over to the Italian brands: Armani Collezioni, Gucci, and it was a lot more modern and refreshing.

It's all subjective of course, but to me, Paris has decided to snobbishly cling on to its grime and dirt and ancient malfunctioning infrastructure, along with a vehement resistance towards modernity and change with the silly excuse of preserving "charm" but really - it's because French people go on strike all the time, and nothing ever gets done there! London has preserved quite a lot of its old-school charm but has cleaned up everything pretty well, and is continuing to do so at least. Sure, the rest of England is butt-hurt because all resources pour into London but...let's face it, the same case with Paris, the rest of the country is just considered "province" (this was honestly told to me by a Parisian classmate lol).

It's really funny how this has made me appreciate London so much more now :o)

Monday, March 23, 2015

Sufjan Stevens

I'm posting a lot;

http://www.npr.org/2015/03/22/393575866/first-listen-sufjan-stevens-carrie-lowell

This is insane. I was just playing Sufjan Stevens yesterday to N, showing him a live performance of Casimir Pulaski Day, and today I learn that Sufjan is releasing a new album. And immediately I streamed the entire thing (link above). His music isn't for everyone - it's extremely stripped down indie folk, and carries a heaviness (especially in this album) that makes you furrow your eyebrows and just kind of empty all thoughts, in a non-pretentious way. I don't listen to such music to pretend that I'm a cool kid, I genuinely think it's great music, with great lyrics that I can connect with.

This is his description though of the album, which may seem a bit more pretentious:

"Carrie & Lowell sounds like memory: it spans decades yet does not trade on pastiche or nostalgia. Stevens’s gauzy double-tracked vocals wash across the dashboard of long-finned, drop-top Americana, yet as we race towards the coast we are reminded that sunshine leads to shadow, for this is a landscape of terminal roads, unsteady bridges, traumatic video stores, and unhappy beds that provide the scenery for tales of jackknifed cars, funerals, and forgiveness for the dead. Each track in this collection of eleven songs begins with a fragile melody that gathers steam until it becomes nothing less than a modern hymn. Sufjan recounts the indignities of our world, of technological distraction and sad sex, of an age without either myths or miracle—and this time around, his voice carries the burden of wisdom. Carrie & Lowell accomplishes the rare thing that any art should achieve, particularly in these noisy and fragmented days: By seeking to understand, Sufjan makes us feel less alone."



Learning to be less judgmental


I still remember my first time at Panda Express with my family - I immediately shot it down, just like the younger kids in the video above, but my parents liked it (they said it was a bit too greasy but very flavorful). And I think it's really because they've just become a lot more chill about life in general lol, since they were older and wiser and stuff.

So that's one thing I'm learning now too: to be less judgmental about everything. N is essentially my first real boyfriend, given that my previous relationships were tormented and very short-lived. And although N has dated guys before me, this relationship has been the longest one he's been in as well (1.5 years of living together). We've both grown up a lot and it's quite incredible watching the transformation. Similarly, we've also both had to eat our words when we were more "naive."

Obviously one thing was the cheating. Both of us never expected we would ever cheat, and definitely didn't expect us to forgive a cheating partner. But we realized that we both cheated not because fundamentally we weren't satisfied or compatible with the other - but because we were both communicating with each other really unhealthily and chose the easy way out. Plus, it was easier to forgive in some sense because no actual penetration happened, we both take that to be a lot more intimate than dick-sucking. Now we both learned our lesson - and that lying is just awfully horrible for a relationship, because mistrust grows far quicker and deeper than the slow and painstaking process of creating trust. Any problems between a couple should be solved in a less defensive and more constructive manner, which is only possible if both sides give and take to reach a compromise for every issue, and not letting anything fester beyond repair.

The other thing was sleeping around. We both never thought that we would have a ménage à trois - but bam, it happened. Not that we really did plan it...it did kind of just happen. But we still spoke very honestly with each other after it - are we going to be doing this often? Does this mean we are in an open relationship? Our answers to both are no, because we still are incredibly in love and happy with each other. We both agree though that if we somehow do have threesomes often, or start sleeping around with others, the fundamental basis of our relationship will have changed a lot, and we will have to assess then if 'we' are still viable.

Nevertheless, we have become a lot more sympathetic to others that we have judged more harshly before. N says he can kind of understand why his French friend (the one who got engaged in Koh Samui but still sleeps around) and his fiancé are in an open relationship, because for some people it really does work to separate love and sex altogether. I also have grown a bit more sympathetic to young Asian guys who date old white guys - maybe it's just really their thing, they feel more secure this way.

Part of growing up, and being less of a judgmental dickhead.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

So the threesome did happen

And it was kinda strange really. Parts of it felt super hot, parts felt...kinda off.

We first had dinner together near G's place, lovely Italian place, and a bottle of rosé. At first I was so nervous - what is my boyfriend going to talk about with the guy who I cheated with? But it surprisingly went super well. The really cool thing is, N actually doesn't blame G at all for what happened in the past - we were really rocky, and so he said he understood why it happened. Dinner was very civil, and very nice, and I could totally see G eye-fucking N the entire time.

Then we went back to G's place. G's bf is currently away for two weeks in Germany, so we opened a couple more bottles of prosecco and rosé again, and soon we were in his hot tub slightly tipsy. His place is really cool to be honest - huge hot tub with funky lights and built-in speakers and a gorgeous view of The Shard and the rest of the dreadfully dwarfish London city skyline. Suddenly G's swim shorts go off, and I mischievously pulled N's ones off too. He was kinda unhappy about it at first. G starts getting off the tub and getting more bottles and walking back completely naked, with his massive pecs and perky muscular butt - it was turning both N and I on. Then as we started drinking more, N suddenly told me "suck it" pointing to his dick, and I said that no I'm too lazy, but I give permission for G to suck N off. N was caught off-guard when G actually began dunking his head underwater sucking N off...and he gave me a 'wtf?' face, before realizing that I just opened the floodgates for a threesome to happen. Lol.


We all started just touching each other in the hot tub naked, each of us rock hard, and then after a while we went back into his room. A lot of making out happened. G starts whispering in our ears that he thinks we're both really hot, and then he was also really nice to apologize to N saying he never meant to cause any trouble between N and I back last year, to which N forgave him completely. N put a condom on, but had trouble staying hard due to the alcohol, but he finally was able to fuck G while G's legs were spread wide and he was moaning really sexily, while I wanked G and myself off. N was fucking G pretty roughly, something which he knows he can't and won't do with me. After N jizzed in the condom inside G, I sprayed all over G's torso (went everywhere lol), and G...well, oddly didn't cum.

This was the weird part. After cleaning up and cuddling back in bed, G KEPT making out with N still, and touching him everywhere, even though we were all trying to sleep. I was so annoyed and jealous cos I kept hearing the smooching sounds, and I started becoming a bit protective. I slept in the middle for a while to block them off lol, but then it got too hot under the sheets, so I switched again, and just let them kiss for a while. G did kiss me too, but it was weird because I felt a bit needy in the process.

After we got home, N and I did a bit of post-threeway evaluation hahaha. First, we both agreed that it was some parts hot, some parts bad, because we got jealous when the other was making out with G. N also told me that he thinks G is hot, but he's very different from both of us since he's super blond, blue-eyed, almost colorless, and very bulky. He also said G's pecs and butt are very nice, which I agreed with. It was also weird because we both agreed that if we met G before we met each other, we would have dated him (although G and I would be tricky since he's mostly a bottom too). N also said that G is looser than me, and that it still feels the most natural when we are both having sex together instead. Which is true - even when I was making out with G, it was good because he's a good kisser, but I still prefer kissing N. So it was really nice because after that we both realized how lucky we are to have each other, because things just feel so much more natural and intimate with us both.

N said he's up for a threesome again, but this time with much less alcohol so he can stay hard, and with us doing an Eiffel Tower instead. I agreed too, because it was pretty rushed and hazy last night. I think G would probably be up for it again, although it's not necessary that we'll do it again with G.

This morning we made delicious French toast together, watched The Voice, and then we cuddled in bed and had sex again. I had a really amazing orgasm, because we both dirty-talked about having a threesome with G again lolol. At the end of the day, sex between us still feels the best though. It's probably the thrill of forbidden fruit, and being naughty that's making us intrigued by threesomes. I don't think however this means we will be in an open relationship, or start making this a regular thing at all. I do think the next time we do it though, might be at the steam room at the gym hehe.



Anyway, it was great fun! I'm about to take a nap now though - so, so tired.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Ways I deal with stress: binge-eating and binge-wanking



This video is fucking hilarious.

Anyway, I am finally done with my last final for the term! Hell yeah bitches! Easter break is onnnn...and I don't exactly have that many plans. Granted I should be way excited since I'm still going to Paris, Munich, Milan, Florence, and Venice, but I kinda wished that I filled it up even more! But this gives me plenty of time to just laze around in London I guess. Need to go back to the gym again since I realize that exam periods always put me into horrible horrible lifestyle habits.

  1. I completely skip gym days. I tell myself it's because it takes way too long (I take almost 2 hours because I also spend about 15 minutes in the sauna, and then 15-30 minutes showering, getting dressed, lingering around and checking out naked hot dudes in the locker room etc.) and I need more time to study, but I don't actually study anyway, so I really should just go to the gym instead next time. 
  2. I sleep such shitty hours. I sleep late and then force myself to wake up early thinking I can study, but I never do, until the day of an exam/deadline, then I set the alarm to be like, 5 am lmaooo to do some last-minute cramming. N did it this morning too - he woke up at 4.30am ahahaha. 
  3. FUck dude I stress eat so much. I swear if my fridge was edible, I'd have eaten it a long time ago too. I fucking ate three big bags of chips today. DAFFAQ. And I had curly fries...a Nutella sandwich, and peanut butter cup ice cream....but hey I also ate healthy food like salad and baked salmon but what's the shitty point lol. I just need to surround myself with a shit ton of comfort food whenever I'm stressed as hell.
  4. I also wank way way way too much. I think I jerked off like, 5 times yesterday and honestly when I was cuddling N last night my penis fucking hurt when it got hard. But it forms like a mental blockade - I get to the point where I'm like 'okay just wank once more, and then concentrate on your shit'. 
I really only work well under severe time constraints, but each time I regret it and tell myself to stop procrastinating so much but I never do. I find myself running after the bus/train/tube every day and I'm like, why can't you just leave two minutes earlier you dickhead. Man...

G, N and I are supposed to have dinner on Saturday but I kinda don't want to. G has been giving me a lot of shit because people have been leaking stuff that I've told them and he's all like 'hey it's not cool you didn't consult me before dragging my name into it all, I feel very hurt' yaddayadda. Man. And I thought some of these bitches were my friends, but I guess never to give people juicy gossip. I've learned my lesson now, but the problem is - I find it very difficult to keep secrets. I've always been that sort of guy really, which is why staying in the closet for so many years ate me up so much. And you know what? I don't want to make him think that I want a threesome or whatever. N and I are great and I love just having 'us' time. And frankly, the way G has been talking to me, although he has every right to be pissed at me, is a huge turn-off. I know G wants post-dinner shenanigans, but I'm going to make sure that N and I only have dinner and that we leave after. Dinner will also be hella awkward - wtf is my boyfriend and the guy who I cheated with gonna talk about? 

But anyway, boy, I can't wait to start the summer holidays, and then I'll start working. Definitely do prefer working to studying - I need the semi-autonomy in my life, guided by a more big-picture mindset of accomplishing things. Of course, I'm not talking to the self-actualization nirvana sense, just more along the lines of...I don't have to report at fucking 8.30am for a door bitch to take my attendance every single goddamn day. 

Alright peace out. You know, I wonder if there are any good blogs out there to read that touch on gay coming out experiences and the like. I used to have quite the veritable list, but now everyone's pretty much given up on blogging. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Threesome proposition

So...G invited N and I over to his place next week for dinner...with G raising the possibility of us all getting naked in the hot tub after. For some very strange reason, N agreed to have dinner (I left out the second half), so it's going to be the first time they'll be meeting, and I'm not really sure what to expect.

I don't really want to rock the boat. N and I are doing fantastic again. We communicate very openly; I even told him about how some of my classmates have been spreading to others that I've done a threesome with G and the other older dude (but most of them took it with a pinch of salt because, thankfully, they don't think I'm the kind of guy who does stuff like that when my relationship with N is clearly known to many as a very committed one). We have spoken about threesomes before, more as a "let's try it once" kind of thing anyhow. So I'm not sure if this will add layers of complexity into what we have now, and possibly corrupt the innocence that we have once again built between us.

On the other hand, I am really extremely curious as to how it will work out. It sounds extremely hot. G is one fit motherfucker, and he's such a slutty bottom, he would really be able to take all the pounding that N has wanted to dish out on me. And I love voyeurism, and so I think watching N, who is obviously incredibly attractive to me, fucking G, who is the epitome of "twunkness" (twink face, hunk bod), would turn me on a lot. After all, I kinda prefer just whacking my dick off by myself some times.

But what if G wants to make out with me, and N gets pissed off? Does this also mean that only G can suck me off but not vice-versa? It seems awfully complicated when a threesome involves a couple. And also, I wonder how N and I will feel after - will we feel slutty, or will we be more like 'hey that was kinda fun', or what? Feels also like a Pandora's box will be opened.

Maybe I'm just overthinking this as I do with all things. This doesn't mean that we will keep having threesomes in the future to "spice" things up, and it certainly doesn't mean that we're in an open relationship. Regardless, all I know is that some times now when I fantasize about N fucking G, I get really rock hard. Hmm...

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Hotness.

http://guesscock.blogspot.co.uk/

Woah. This game is so fun. LOL! I've always had a curiosity about other people's cocks all the time hahaha. In the locker room I try to sneak a peek of all the hotties all the time :3

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Waddup homie

 


What's up everyone! Life is good. Man. Life is pretty good. Other than the fact that I have a gigantic cystic acne on my face AGAIN, I've been cruisin'. Having a job waiting for me after I graduate is AWE-SOME. And I'm super excited about it. It's part of the tech industry, and it's something I've never done before, but I figured since tech is basically the newest big thing, I'm staying ahead of the curve with this. However, the pay is pretty shite (one of my other friends in another firm is being paid 50k pounds a year!!), but...I guess if I'm living rent-free in London things should be a lot better.

I've been going to fantastic restaurants with N a lot. We are super super in love again it's so mushy it's funny. I've been hanging out with friends from grad school quite a bit, it's been good. Also, I've been going to the gym and running quite a bit, and I think I have become slightly leaner. I'm happy with that. 



Not tooo shabby I guess, although still a long way to go.


Man I love all these random cameos by these great actors!

So a couple of days ago I had one of my 'firsts'. N and I were having sex cowboy style at first, and then I was looking at myself in the mirror and it turned me on that I could see myself, and so we flipped over to doggy style, and he started getting really into it, as we both looked into the mirror too. As I eased up, he started thrusting harder and harder, until he actually fucked the cum out of me. I didn't even use my hands! It didn't shoot of course, it just kinda dribbled out, but it really did feel like he was pressing against my prostate so hard that it just pushed the cum out. We collapsed after completely exhausted.

So yeah that was pretty cool.

Friday, February 20, 2015

My Penis & I

I just watched this extremely strange show on TV that was centered around a fat balding mid-thirties man who was extremely insecure about his small penis (erect about 3 inches) after being bullied and teased in high school by locker room boys and girls. He goes around talking to his girlfriend, girls, male porn stars, surgeons, about his penis, and it was all very strange. He is completely obsessed with how small his penis is, and how he thinks it doesn't make him enough of a man. His girlfriend said she wishes he has a bigger penis just so he will be more confident and accepting of it, otherwise she's like 'meh' about it. Girls tell him that his penis size isn't representative of his manhood. He sees a male pornstar with a huge dick and he's totally enamored. He even makes a cast of his tiny dick, and then speaks to a support group of guys with small cocks to regain his confidence, and eventually snaps out of it and becomes more optimistic and 'embraces' his penis as part of himself.

I don't know. I think about this in my own context, and I don't know if I can be like him. Growing up I was always extremely ashamed about my penis. I thought it was tiny. It also didn't help that I'm uncut, and all the porn that I watched, everyone was cut, and I thought I was a freak. I was also kind of fat as a kid, so a lot of fat was around my penile region so it looked smaller too. The surgeon that the dude above saw, said that the average penis size in the UK is 5 inches. When I heard that I was like, holy shit, I'm definitely above average then. It instantly made me feel pretty good about myself, and I realize some times I really do have a confirmation bias where I believe something very negatively about myself and when people tell me otherwise I dismiss them. Like I've been told by a few guys that I've quite a nice sizeable penis (many say "especially for an Asian" - even among the Asian guys, either on webcam or in person) but I think they're just lying. The same when I'm convinced that no one will find me 'attractive' and that I'm just 'average' like a 5/10, when there have been multiple cases in the past when people told me they think I'm attractive (this guy I knew back in college recently just told me he had a crush on me but didn't do anything because I never tried anything on him, and I was always abusing drugs so he assumed I was always getting high and having revenge sex but I wasn't interested in him lol) but I ignore them all...

It's crazy how for so long I've really thought that I'm lesser than a man just because I thought I have a small penis, and that I'm gay and more of a 'fag' than a 'macho' dude. I just don't really understand how my mind works - why do I oscillate so much between over-confidence and under-confidence?

Some of my friends are dating some guys who they say have really small penises, like 4.5 inches or something, but they don't mind their partners' small dicks cos they're tops and they like butts more. I don't know if I'll be fine with a small penis tbh. It'll be so hard to be 'okay' with it.

Which made me think of my insecurity about my hair. Baldness runs in the family, and I'm terrified that it's going to happen to me. I've been teased growing up for having a huge forehead, and a 'M' hairline. I obsess over if it's receding or not. I once told N I'll kill myself if I ever go bald.

I told him I'm seriously considering doing a hair transplant. He insists that I'm not balding, I just have a high forehead, and he insists he loves me for me, even if I go bald.

I don't know if that's enough really. The importance of physical appearance is so ingrained in me, and in him, that I cannot ever imagine myself being okay with that.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

What a blissful Valentine's!

Oh boy oh boy, this is my first true vday really. Although N and I have been together for about 1.5 years now, last year's Vday was surprisingly very quiet, because I quit my job the weekend after it, lol. I was so stressed out with the negativity at work, I didn't think much about valentine's. This year, with his dad gone, his fat sister staying the night at someone else's place, and me feeling pretty good about myself with the whole job thing, we had a great day out together.

I booked this amazing restaurant a couple weeks ago for lunch, because it's one of those insane tasting menu sort of places where we had lunch from 1.15 - 5pm! Dinner there would have just been wayy too exhausting. Food was simply astounding. Presentation of everything was so immaculate, and the flavors of everything blended together so delicately and richly at the same time. The thing I've learned about what makes something gratifying/magnetic in life is balance. Balance of sourness and sweetness, richness and lightness - not just in food, but in relationships, personalities, cultures, art, movies, music; everything.

We then made our way to a Museum of Zoology, with taxidermied animals galore, and a glass of wine each. It was surprisingly interesting reading about how some animals mate (like I never knew male sharks kind of bit and bruised female sharks during copulation...talk about a Christian Grey complex). We were all huddled together in this creaky old museum and I reached into N's pockets and fondled him a bit and he was really annoyed and snapped at me. I got a bit cranky after that because I told him I just want to be a little mischievous here and there but he wouldn't have any of it...

Then we had a slightly heated discussion about this. He asks me why am I so turned on by risky public sexual acts or voyeurism, and I had no retort other than to say he is sometimes so sexually boring, which he got really pissed at me for a bit. We made up after that, but it really got me thinking - am I perverse, or is he just a numpty prude? I always want our sex to be a bit naughtier and riskier, like once I actually managed to convince N to fuck me in a sauna (very typical bougie shenanigans of mine - in a country club which membership is close to half a million USD!) and it was super hot, but that was like a one-off scenario. It's a little strange because on the other hand, there have been times when N wants to fuck me really hard, but I'm way too fragile for roughhousing, so maybe he's not getting fulfilled in that sense too. Which is why I do think we will really entertain the thought of a threesome in the future - this way he can fuck a guy really really hard the way he wants to, and I can get off watching my hot boyfriend fuck another hot guy (preferably muscular with a big dick - which is kind of why G did fit the bill)

Anyway, we left after and went to another sushi place (N and I do love our Japanese food) and hot damn it was really good sushi. Kinda pricey but that's London anyway. Got back home, and I realized I left my goddamn Armani umbrella in either the tube/train/bus/whatever...I got really really sad, and then N comes to me with yet another card, this one so silly all it says is "Sexy Arse" at the front, with two red semicircles and that's it. He calls me his "circle" because he says my face is round, my tooshie is round, and he is my "line" because he's tall and skinny lol. I don't even know how can anyone ever think "circle" and "roundness" can ever be remotely considered terms of affection but somehow it works for this guy hahaha. It used to annoy me a lot because it carries the connotation that I'm fat when I sure as hell am not (I'm 5'8", 140 lbs) but I've gotten used to it.

We are also going to Paris in March!!! Not for long but just a short weekend trip. It's kinda pathetic how I've been in London for so many months now but this is the first time I'm traveling out of the country, to...a city that I've already been 3 times before. But it's fine, this time we are going to Versailles and Disney!!! WAHOO!!! I love love Disney. I'm such a kid I know but I truly love Disney and all its sappy stupid 'magic' shit. The reason why we can't travel much is because N is pretty much the legal guardian of his fat spoilt sister, so if he leaves no one's to take care of her...gah.

Anyway, things are really really good and I'm really happy! 2015 has been great so far :)

Friday, February 13, 2015

Take me to church


Goddammit, things are never peaceful and 'simple' with me...

On Wednesday I had such a perfect date night with N. He surprised me with tickets to watch a ballet at the Royal Opera House, because he remembered I once mentioned to him that I've never been to a ballet, and wanted to see at least one some time. Since it was my first time I decided to overdress a little, and both of us turned up in bow ties and a suit, and boy oh boy, N looked immaculately handsome. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. We even had a glass of Ruinart each too during the intermission!

I went in thinking ballet would be really stuffy and boring, but it was beautiful. The set design was incredible - everything looked like it was from a painting. Also it was my first time noticing how incredibly hot male ballet dancers are - they have insanely nice and perky butts! Hahaha. Still though I much prefer female ballerinas - movement is so fluid and light, floating about the stage like butterflies.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We then went into this sushi place and had really really good conveyor belt sushi (and I am super picky about my Japanese food!) and it felt good too because the waitress complimented us on our attire. At home N gives me the cheesiest vday card ever hahaha with his cute completely childlike handwriting with a couple of spelling mistakes etc. - classic N being so bad with expressing himself.

Yesterday morning N's dad finally leaves - hurrah!!! This means no more hiding around the house anymore.

Yesterday night though, I was on campus and we have this thing on Thursday where there's free booze at the yard, so I was having a good time talking to my friends, finally super relieved that I found a job and at such a great globally renowned company too, when G and BD (Bald Dude) comes over...

So G is this 22-year old guy I cheated on N with. He whipped his dick out in the school bus on a field trip during the second week of school and got me to stroke it a bit - it was really hot because it was so dangerous. N isn't usually that thrill-seeking. We were also in separate stalls in the gym shower, and I wanked him under the gap. He also sucked me off etc...so we do definitely had a bit of sexual history which made me very guilty with the whole cheating thing, but N and I got over it (as mentioned in entries earlier)

Now BD is this 30-something dude with a huge nose and is completely bald, skinny, and unattractive, but he is bolstered by the fact that he is working at one of the most prestigious consulting firms in the world, and loves preying on younger men. I know he is also interested in me sexually, because he has made a couple passes before but I always brushed it off but I did lightly flirt back just for the heck of it really. He is a nice guy though, but too fucking sex-crazed for me, and I've always kind of thought he is a bit of a sexual predator given that he only preys on younger guys.

Turns out BD has fucked G a couple times in school, as BD was explaining to me that G is a power bottom. He told me this in confidence, but I was drunk, and I was kind of insulted, because it made me feel that G has no standards, and why the hell should I ever be attracted to someone who has no standards (sorry but I just cannot fathom that)?? I confronted G about this, who in turn immediately told BD cos that fugly prick came along to interject our conversation, and then they both got pissed with me for divulging secrets. Then BD drags me along and says "let's go talk in a more private area" and then I go along with them drunkenly and suddenly I see them both making out.

I get really uncomfortable and I was like "Okay woah, what is going on" and they started undressing each other, and BD touches me too. I kept pushing his hand away telling him that I'm not doing this, but I was pretty intoxicated and didn't completely defend myself. G comes over and lightly kisses me, I don't kiss back, but I don't fight either, and I tell him "hey I don't wanna do this" but then he kneels down and whips my rock hard dick out and starts sucking me off for 2 seconds, and then I push him away and pull my pants up. All this time BD is groping my butt and I keep telling them "I'm not like you guys, also I need to go get my bag"

Then the security guard came, caught G with his fucking pants down, me in the corner and BD standing up from a kneel. Fuck. My. Life. He takes all of our names down, and I rush off feeling fucking angry and still drunk, and I told both BD and G that I don't want to see them for a while. I call N and confess about what happened and say I'm sorry, and surprisingly he says it's completely fine because he fully trusts me. Wow. I'm a lucky man.

I go to McDonald's drunk and angry and I order 20 piece nuggets and two chicken mayo burgers ahahaha. Drunchies lmao. I eat all that shit up (I think I ordered nuggets because I went to the gym before that so I wanted my protein), got home, and texted BD that what happened tonight was not cool, and he told me "I am disappointed because I feel betrayed that you told G what happened when I specifically said it was a secret. I don't think I can tell you anything from now on."

And I blew up - I was like, "Fuck? Tonight I pretty much felt like I was being sexually violated against my will and this is what you're cranking on about?" And he told me "It won't happen again. Let's be professional about this."

Good heavens. He just doesn't get it. I'm not going to get on a moral high horse or whatever here of course - but the simple fact is: BD is atrociously unattractive (hence why N never saw him as a threat) and the fact that he molested me, and tried to make me join in the threesome with him and G is just plain revolting to me. He also fucking knew that I have told him multiple times that N and I are in a very committed monogamous (for the most part) relationship, and I am not going to be some easy slut and let any bald old dickhead suck me off or fuck me. If I'm already dating Prada, why the fuck would I suddenly go shop at Walmart?

Anyway, I doubt I want to hang out with him anymore. He got what he wanted - to touch me here and there whatever, so I don't have much else to say to him. And for G, same too. He told me he wants to explain to me why he had sex with BD, but I doubt I want to hear the reasons - he is just how I do not like my eggs to be cooked: over easy.

This entry has been super fucking snarky, but it honestly just disgusts me how I actually just let myself trust these people and got myself into such a situation. I am so lucky that N is so understanding about the situation.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

i am finally employed.

omg. i cannot even begin to say how relieved i feel. it has honestly been SO tough jumping through mad mad hoops trying to get past this "i am not an EU citizen" bullshit here

I AM SO GLAD I AM GOING TO BE WORKING IN LONDON WAHOOO!!!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Brokeback Mountain

So I chanced upon it today on TV and watched it in its entirety. I remember watching it back in 2006 on DVD at my place with a bunch of friends (who were well, all in the closet like me too, funny really), but I distinctly remember falling asleep and feeling utterly bored by it. Back then also, I had an emotional cordon around myself, and perhaps I subconsciously forced myself to feel disinterested in the movie because it may awake emotions that I didn't want to face back then.

This time, I was riveted, and felt genuine sorrow for Ennis and Jack. It truly is an epic tragic love story, and the acting is superb. The ending scene with the two shirts reversed along with the postcard of the mountains pained me. I also cannot deny getting a hard-on the first time they had sex. Oh my, if I had Jake Gyllenhaal in that position...

Anyway, after the movie I went over and hugged N really tightly. I'm more like Jack, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and in some ways, N is like Ennis.

I'm really lucky to be able to openly love another man. Granted it isn't perfect - N's dad has been staying with us for the last two months, and a few days ago, possibly because he reached the height of his suspicion over our relationship (although I still find it truly odd that it wasn't glaringly obvious that N and I are more than just friends), he knocked on my door and opened it to find both N and I on the same bed. I yelped, threw the comforter over us, and he left the room. He then texted N that sometimes it's better to stay silent rather than talk, "just know that your father knows many things but he chooses to stay quiet."

The whole thing was really unfortunate because N and I have been sleeping in separate rooms but N came over to cuddle me for merely 2 minutes and bam - cat's out of the bag. Although his dad has become very cold to me now and hardly speaks to N in the house anymore, at least we are still civil, and at least he didn't react violently...he is also leaving on Thursday, so 4 more days to go...

Anyway, I can't imagine how painful it must have been for so many men who couldn't express their love for another man in hyper-masculine environments...

Friday, February 6, 2015

Growing and learning day by day


A lot has happened. Thankfully, it worked out pretty well.

The last few weeks were blissful. N was spending a lot more time with me, he was attentive and kind and cheeky with me again, and sex was more regular and amazing once again. But I felt more and more weighed down by my own guilt, about the lies that I kept inside and it was gnawing away at me every day. And then I projected that on to N, as the guilty always do, and I started feeling paranoid when he went out on weekends for the whole day while I was staying at home wondering if he was telling the truth.

See the thing is, I cheated on N too. I wasn't honest with anyone except with my therapist about G. G and I did have a few physical moments together. It weighed down on me a lot. But when I read those messages on N's old phone that he was cheating on me back then too, I got really angry and hurt.

Because we are both similar in the way that we are both very naive and stubborn. We came into this relationship thinking that for others the world may be grey, but for us, things were quite black and white. We thought that we would never cheat - yes we will some times flirt with others but hey it's all harmless! - we thought we would never be able to condone cheating too. N told me that he would walk out if I ever cheated on him.

He was afraid of the same thing too, that I would walk out on him.

When I confronted him at first, I gave him a chance to tell the whole truth about everything, before I said what I saw on his phone. He kept denying everything. It was completely unlike how it played out in the scenario I spoke with two of my friends back home in frenzied calls. This was what was supposed to happen: I'll tell N that everything has been going well, however, I've been getting a sense of deja vu that he is becoming busier again, and so I unfortunately snooped on his phone and found many incriminating evidence. Then I'll give him the chance to come clean to me, and I'll tell him that it's okay we will work through this together because I also cheated on him with G. But he kept denying and denying and denying. They told me to not date a liar - especially someone who seems pathologically dishonest.

You see the thing is I realized he has been consistently lying about a lot of things about this guy, R from Hong Kong. Turns out back in October R came to London to visit, and they both met up, got drunk, and N went back with R and R sucked him off and N came on his chest and face. I didn't know this of course - I was told that he had "dance practice." They flirted a lot throughout the next few months, and N wanted to break up with me. He made plans to go to Hong Kong to see R, without informing me, when initially he told me he didn't have the finances to go to Asia for Christmas break. He lied to me that he booked HK to surprise me, but then he told me not to go to HK because he wanted me to see my family at home instead. And all that he told me when I confronted him after NYE when I first saw those Whatsapp messages from R, he lied to me then too.

When I called him out on everything this time, telling him I know specifically that he had his dick sucked by R, and he came all over that guy's face, he started going into some sort of panic attack. The next hour was painful. He started avoiding me, going on his phone telling me he really needs to send an email out, and I told him I'll break up with him if he continues evading me. Eventually when I managed to get through to him, I told him I couldn't trust him anymore, and I needed to look through his phone now to make sure that nothing else is going on with other people. He was so resistant at first, but then he agreed, but told me that it is disgusting that I have to snoop on his phone and stuff, and he feels really naked and exposed. I told him he deserved such an interrogation, words that my best friend back home backed me up with when I asked her during my scenario-playing.

When I told him about G, everything changed even more. He started flaring up saying I was a hypocrite. I shot it back to him and said back in December when he found out about G, he was so sanctimonious with me when he actually was having a full-blown affair himself. Tempers flared a lot. I told him his was worse because he built an entire house of cards of perpetual lies with a full-out emotional and physical affair with someone else when mine were just a couple drunken lustful trysts in the school's bathroom. Fingers kept getting pointed. After a while we both calmed down and asked each other how do we proceed from there.

Trust is actually incredibly hard to build, but yet so easy to tear down. And it is essentially, integral to any healthy relationships. The really odd thing is, in some ways it was helpful that we both cheated on each other at the roughest ever patch that our relationship has gone through. We both handled it very badly, and looked for an external coping mechanism instead of confronting the problem with each other. It would have been terrible if only one of us was unfaithful - not that this was much less painful.

N started this year saying he wanted a fresh new start - I told him his definition of a fresh new start of being honest from 2015 onwards but lying about everything in 2014 and before is flawed, at least from my perspective. N's coping mechanism is complete denial - he told me he almost completely denied to himself that he did anything physical with R, who by the way, IMHO, is way fucking uglier than G. I am a lot more about talking everything out, laying everything out on the table. I asked him if he felt better now knowing that I know, he said yes, but he's also scared of how we were going to proceed from there.

Weirdly, it was quite easy. The thing is, we both fucking love each other. People do make mistakes. Ourselves included. That was the biggest lesson we've learned so far. And it is quite possible to forgive people, but it is much harder to forget. I can't really get the mental image out of my head of N cumming all over R's face, and N told me he doesn't really want to bump into G at my school because all he can think of is me licking his nipples because I like his pecs. We said no more lies from now on, complete honesty, even things that we might want to hide from the other to "protect" that person - I cautioned N about this, because I absolutely loathe being treated like a fucking fool with wool over my eyes. This is why I hate surprises - I hate birthday surprises too - because I get very shifty with uncertainty.

Now this is the weird part. N told me that he is so angry with G he wants to stab him. But he knows he can't go around stabbing people, so he said he wants to....fuck G so hard that it hurts him. I told him that G has had double penetration before so I don't know if it would even be painful for him. We somehow got to the topic of threesomes, and N finally relented that he may consider threesomes in the future, just as long as both of us aren't emotionally attracted to the third person. So he said maybe in the future I could watch N fuck G while G sucks me off, like in a spitroast.

Wow. That night, we had such fucking awesome sex. My head was running wild thinking of N fucking G. The thing is, G is actually undeniably hot. He has amazing amazing tits, a nice-ish very blond-hair blue-eyed handsome face (although N is arguably hotter), and a nice enough cock. R on the other hand, looks like a fucking zombie, and his body is laughably way worse than mine, so obviously a threesome with G is a lot more palatable to me than one with R. N also kind of agreed G is marginally hot, but he pestered me a lot if I thought he was hotter which of course N is. He did get insecure for a bit, because G is more like an Adonis and looks very very different from N, but R is also Asian like me, and so N was wondering if I didn't find him physically attractive enough to me, which is false, because I explained to him that we both were just looking for an outlet where another person was connecting with us a lot better, mine just happened to be a proper twunk hah.

I never thought we'll be comfortable with threesomes, but we may very well be. I love voyeurism, and N doesn't fuck me like a pornstar because our sex is really the more romantic and gentle sort usually. But that night, after all the confrontations and shit, when we talked about a threesome with G, N fucked my brains out. I was riding that dick while he thrusted so violently but yet safely too and my toes started curling at one point. We dirty-talked a lot too, which turns me on a lot, and he kept sucking on my tits which man, was heavenly.

Anyway, so things are pretty much resolved haha. I know it seems kind of shallow that sex and the idea of threesomes seem to have solved this, but nah, it was really more because N and I are essentially good guys who made mistakes and we agreed to work on anything together from now on. I promised him too I won't snoop round his stuff anymore, but he must be completely honest with me.

Guess we have to, at the end of the day, really just trust each other. If not, well, I guess I know what to do.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

So I snooped around a bit more

Nope I was right. He was having an affair a few months ago. He wrote that he came all over the chest of that guy, and he acknowledged his cheating to my friend, who doesn't talk to me anymore.

Tonight I shall talk to him.

I should really stop

Snooping about N's phones. I looked through his old phone's camera roll and found a couple of pictures of this guy's butt spread open. This guy actually came over and stayed with us for a weekend before, and N told me that nothing was going on between them.

I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, and even if so, this happened months ago, and everything is going really well now, so I shouldn't make this a bigger issue I guess? Other than the fact that he wasn't entirely honest with me...

[unsure]

Thursday, January 29, 2015

All through my wild days, my mad existence


This rendition is just incroyable. She's one of the favorite singers of N and I, I really just do hope she chooses better songs to sing for her pop career.

Anyway, hi guys, life is kind of just sailing along. 

  1. My final interview is taking place next Tuesday. These couple days are highly stressful. First I have a midterm on Friday about a really fucking bore of a subject with a tyrannical professor, then on Saturday I get to party a bit for a good friend's birthday, then Monday I'm watching My Night with Reg...with a straight Christian dude lol (although he's never actually had a girlfriend and he's 26....), then Tuesday is the interview (which I need to prepare a 5 minute presentation for - they already gave me the topic), and Wednesday is a statistics assignment due that I've not started on at all. Wao.
  2. I can't wait to finish this useless Master's degree, everyone is incompetent. I need a job and then I can kiss them all goodbye forever.
  3. N and I are super fantastic now; he is so affectionate and kind to me, and we cuddle so much, and he loves to pepper me with kisses everywhere again and he is back to saying how he wants to eat me up which is so adorable. I love him so much and I'm so happy we are doing so well!!
  4. He has also met a few of my friends which is great. Everyone loves him (well, obviously), and it makes me happy we are making mutual friends and hanging out with each other's friends a lot more now.
So yeah, got to power through dude...I'm losing steam however :/

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Things are looking up somewhat

  1. I've been redirected to a partner interview for the technology consulting branch for one of the firms that I failed the final round with for their strategy branch. On one hand I'm super excited that I've still got a lead and it would be amazing to stay in London since it's all-round so competitive so I'm really lucky, but on the other hand I can't help but feel that this is going to be a field that I might have zero interest in. It seems way too operational and hardly "strategic" which is what I yearn to do, and I'm wondering if my career prospects are going to be very pigeonholed after this. I'm still semi-struggling with the choice between a less-than-ideal job in London, or re-applying for a more ideal one back home (ideal being: reputable, great career prospects after, interesting line of work). I need to try to shake off the idea that I am selling myself short if I manage to get an offer for this gig. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and maybe I will end up really liking it.
  2. I've finally made friends with my classmates, and it feels great now to have a support system. An odd measure for this is that I am in a couple of Whatsapp groups with classmates, which is great really because this means that I am in the loop of things. I've made a solid brotherhood (all Asians! The Asian Persuasian hah) too which really makes me feel good because we hang out in the library, get dinner together, go to the gym together, talk about our feelings (lol), drink together etc. and they're all cool with the gay thing obviously. It just really feels nice to have a group to rely on. And I also really like it that these guys are truly just dudely kind of dudes, the incessant foosball sessions, the teasing of each other constantly ("peabrain dumbfuck" among many other insults hurled at each other innocuously), etc. 
  3. Situation with N has vastly improved. He has become very affectionate again and holy fuck, our sex so far has been mind-blowing. I actually started moaning which I've not really done before because it sounds pretty femme but boy oh boy did I moan like a fucking cat. I know it's a little weird that I mentioned the sex bit first, but really, in.cred.ible. He is also a lot more attentive, and responds a lot more to my "bids" (read this: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?IR=T). We have also been kinder to each other. When he got back he told me he had a minor aneurysm because I left the rooms really messy (messy in his own words, honestly compared to the average person I'm pretty damn neat) but he didn't yell at me or anything, which was very unlike a few weeks ago when I sprayed a color catcher on his loafers with the good intentions of trying to get rid of the jeans dye stain on it, he went fucking mental on me and yelled so much. We also text a lot more daily too, which is good.
  4. I met up with my therapist to explore though, some of the things that have affected me N-wise. I told her that I'm actually deeply unhappy that there are so many gay Asians in N's life, as I prefer to be the only one. Worse is that these gay Asians are effeminate, unattractive, and all-round pretty damn boring (I'm judging purely from their appearance as I've not spoken much to them) which I feel is really insulting to me because I compare myself with them and wonder if N thinks they're cute, that I'm only just cute in his eyes but not to everyone else's. I said that in fact, I would have preferred if N crushes really hot guys who aren't Asian, because then I'll feel unique and special since I 'trumped' them all as he still ended up choosing to be with me. She told me that my line of thinking is quite 'illogical' in some sense because she said that in fact I should see it as a compliment that N likes people who are similar to me (i.e. Asians) and sees these guys as cute but chose to be with me because I am the 'cutest' in his eyes. I have no idea if what she proposes is what most other people would think in my situation, but it isn't like that for me. 
  5. I also told her about my feelings of jealousy when N speaks to other gay guys, even in anodyne contexts. Jealous not that N is paying attention to others, but the lack of inclusion and desirability that I feel. I said that when N speaks with other gay guys, that means a connection there has formed, but I'm not included in this connection, and it makes me feel that N and these people are deliberately excluding me because I'm not as attractive as N. I said I know it's a woefully superficial way of thinking that people are only friends with N because of his looks, but I can't help think that way because inherently I think that I am equally or even more interesting than N (in fact I do believe that because N is good-looking he displays quite a lot of the typical traits of being less perceptive of other people in group settings, more dismissive, more stubborn and abrasive, and I thought that these would alienate people more but au contraire for some unfathomable reason), and so I rationalize that the only reason why people avoid speaking to me is because they find N hotter. She asked me if this sense of exclusion and jealousy (FOMO essentially) manifests itself in other situations, and I said no. When I see classmates hanging out with pictures on Facebook together, I hardly give a fuck because, if I'm not hanging out with them it's because I've already made a conscious decision they're not interesting to me and vice-versa (potentially). She also asked me if N or the other guys include me in their conversations or mild flirting, would it make everything better, and I said absolutely. She realized that I don't really care if other people flirt with N, but it's more the fact that other people flirt with N and not with me...which troubled me. She also did an exercise where she told me to imagine something I hate about myself, the last time I felt this sense of exclusion, and another for something I like about myself, and when she pushed down on my outstretched arm, she could sense that my energy levels contract for the former two, and expand for the last one. As usual, having a one-hour session is not nearly enough to make any progress on my intractable problems, and I find myself just mostly having mere food for thought after each session. 
  6. Because of the above, I have thought about snooping around on N's phone again, but I know I shouldn't. On one hand, I should honestly trust him now that he seems sincere about getting us back on the right track again, and I shouldn't try to find something when it isn't there, but on the other hand, what if there is actually still something there? I can't say that I fully trust N now still, and I really don't want to get hurt again. I've been trying to do what the therapist told me to do (whenever I feel small and negative, I tap the karate chop point of my hand and recite "I love and approve of myself" which is apparently a textbook procedure called Emotional Freedom Technique, which honestly I am woefully too sardonic to believe in. I've been doing this shit but it's useless. It's like religion for me. What is the point in going to church if I don't believe in it?)

Thus, things are looking up...somewhat. 

As always, signing off from the soapbox of an impudent millenial.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Tumultuous last few days of 2014


The last few months of 2014 were incredibly, incredibly tumultuous. NYE itself turned out to be one of the worst I've ever had...

As mentioned umpteen times before, N and I are going through extremely rough patches. When I went up to Hong Kong to meet him though, it felt so, so good. Both of us were smiling so much and things felt so right. On NYE though, before heading off to the restaurant to meet the rest of our friends, N and I got into a fight because I sprayed some color catcher aerosol thing on his loafers to get rid of the stains and he yelled at me for destroying his shoes. So when we got to the restaurant, tension was pretty high between us.

For some reason he tells me, "tonight I am not going to be the responsible one. I'm going to get drunk, you stay sober!" I was fine with that. He got really drunk. I took his phone up to take pictures of him and our friends, but I saw the Whatsapp messages he had with this other guy, called R. I quickly browsed through it: R said "nice that he's around now, maybe you guys are meant to be" N replied: "that's the awkward part...I know I shouldn't say this but I miss you so much." All this texting while he was sitting right beside me waiting to count down to 2015.

My heart sank. I don't remember much after that. I ran off, he grabbed me, he told me it was a stupid crush, he was drunk, he didn't know what he was typing, he loves me and only me, that's it. After a long while, I go back, eat a fuckton of the food, and this other gay guy, A, keeps flirting with me. Very lascivious, A's boyfriend was sitting right there while this dude slapped my butt and told me that I'm cute and there was actually one point when he kissed me on the lips. I didn't kiss him back. A was really drunk and I was trying to fend him off while also trying to get N to come over and defend me, but he was so absorbed in his own drunkenness. A then comes in between us and hugs us both, and I try to grab N's hand, but N's hand is stroking up and down A's butt.


I ran off. I didn't tell N anything, he called me and said that he is tired of being the nice guy and always asking me what's wrong and me not telling him. I walk around and get some fresh air, missing the fireworks which was the one thing I specifically told N I wanted to watch with him, I was crying, and walking home, then I find him drunk out of his mind yelling to his dad on the phone to send over the private jet to send him back to London. He's furiously packing all his bags, and I kneel down and beg him to stay and to talk to me. The tables turned and he suddenly was the one angry at me telling me he is tired of being constantly judged that he is living off me. I snap out of it, and realize he's just being drunk and shit because I didn't even talk about that the entire night, nor have I given that impression for a while now. I manage to calm him down, put him to bed.

Then I unlocked his phone and started reading the messages he had with R. My heart sank more and more. N has been flirting with R ever since he left London for Hong Kong without me. No wonder he was so cold to me when we were apart. They went on a few dates, and there was even a mention of "Sorry about the kiss" and another where R was apologizing that he only sees N as a friend and nothing more, but N was saying he sees R obviously as more than a friend, but is happy he is honest with him.

I couldn't sleep the whole night. I text my friend in London that I want to crash at his place for a few weeks while I find another place, and I tell my sister that I was going to break it off with N. In the morning, I decide to heed my sister's advice and confront N about it first, since I have enough evidence.

He told me he was really drunk the night before and didn't know he was stroking A's butt, since he thought it was mine...really bullshit excuse but whatever. He denied being romantically involved with R. He explained that he was feeling really low after my situation with G (the guy I sexted very suggestive things like wanting to watch him wank, and me wanting to touch his massive pecs), and when he met R in HK, he developed a crush on the guy because it was nice to connect with someone when he felt distant from me. He said the kiss was an accidental one on the neck when they were hugging, and that nothing physical happened. I told him I wished it was just physical, because I can't believe that my partner's heart was shared with someone else other than me.

I told him I was going to move out, and that I wanted a break-off, and that I was close to giving up on us both. I told him how I felt about everything over the last few weeks, and we both started crying a lot. He cried a lot and hugged me and kissed my forehead a lot, apologising for not giving me enough attention, and that he will change, and that he will fight for us and he begged me not to give up on us.

I know everything above paints him as a jackass, and in some ways objectively it seems so too, but all my friends who know him haven't told me to break up with him. Because the thing is we are actually really perfect for each other, if we work through our problems together. I relent a little, we go back down to my room, and have easily the best.makeup.sex.ever. Holy shit. We tried a new position and it was amazing, and I seriously couldn't walk after. My bum was on fire. Lol.

Anyway, we made up, and he told me that honestly now that we are communicating and are close again, his crush on the other guy has faded. I told him he REALLY REALLY needs to be more open about his feelings and include me into his life, and so we pinky promised that we will have 1 date night every week to have some private intimate time, and that he will tell me if he feels unhappy or crushes on someone else, and he will really bring me along to more of his social events.

I'm really hoping that this time things work out. The problem with N is that he is actually really very universally attractive, and because of that, a lot of attention is showered upon him, and he does some times get swayed by them, especially when we aren't faring well. It always makes me really insecure because he is a lot more attractive than I am, but I told him also that he cannot continue taking me for granted. I am a great catch, and I deserve a lot more than what he is giving me. He told me he knows this and is really sorry about everything.

The funny thing is, I honestly would have been fine if N had a physical fling with a super hot dude. Because then I'll be like, okay fine, I wasn't there physically, so he's just being dumb and wanted to fuck some guy, and I'll drool over this hot dude too. But the thing is, R looks like a fucking gross vampire, and is probably extreeeeemely effeminate judging from his photos, and this was an emotional attachment. I was always a phone call away, the fact that it was emotional cheating hurt me a lot more.

We both have hurt each other a lot. Gah...I'm really hoping that 2015 would turn out a lot better really. I'm very confident that if we pull through all this, which has so far encompassed betrayal, physical violence, emotional detachment, basically the gamut of what couples go through (thankfully each one have been small enough doses to not actually cause irreparable damage), we would be set for the future.

We both made a pact also to stop being overtly flirtatious with other guys. That's one big problem of us both too: we both love the attention of being cheeky and naughty. In fact when one of my gay friends from college visited London, he said I speak in such a sneakily devilish tone he actually got hard (all I said was "fuck me, that duck smells really good" as we were walking past Chinatown LOL). I've stopped speaking with G, who recently made a new IG account where he is whoring his massive pecs and six pack out to amass followers and ugh, I blocked him so that I won't be tempted anymore. I brought up the idea of threesomes to N and once again got shot down haha. I'm actually soooo intrigued to try a threesome. It seems so devilishly kinky and voyeurish. But the other guy has to be really, really hot, for it to be worthwhile (basically G). I wouldn't mind spitroasting G (him sucking my dick while N fucks him) to be honest...but no. Not gonna happen. It'll complicate everything. I'll heed what my sister said: one step at a time. And I probably just have to get rid of my threesome fantasies by just watching a few 3some pornos I guess.

Anyway, happy new year I guess. No one really reads this anymore, even my regular fan FoC is gone. Blehh.