Thursday, January 29, 2015

All through my wild days, my mad existence

This rendition is just incroyable. She's one of the favorite singers of N and I, I really just do hope she chooses better songs to sing for her pop career.

Anyway, hi guys, life is kind of just sailing along. 

  1. My final interview is taking place next Tuesday. These couple days are highly stressful. First I have a midterm on Friday about a really fucking bore of a subject with a tyrannical professor, then on Saturday I get to party a bit for a good friend's birthday, then Monday I'm watching My Night with Reg...with a straight Christian dude lol (although he's never actually had a girlfriend and he's 26....), then Tuesday is the interview (which I need to prepare a 5 minute presentation for - they already gave me the topic), and Wednesday is a statistics assignment due that I've not started on at all. Wao.
  2. I can't wait to finish this useless Master's degree, everyone is incompetent. I need a job and then I can kiss them all goodbye forever.
  3. N and I are super fantastic now; he is so affectionate and kind to me, and we cuddle so much, and he loves to pepper me with kisses everywhere again and he is back to saying how he wants to eat me up which is so adorable. I love him so much and I'm so happy we are doing so well!!
  4. He has also met a few of my friends which is great. Everyone loves him (well, obviously), and it makes me happy we are making mutual friends and hanging out with each other's friends a lot more now.
So yeah, got to power through dude...I'm losing steam however :/

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Things are looking up somewhat

  1. I've been redirected to a partner interview for the technology consulting branch for one of the firms that I failed the final round with for their strategy branch. On one hand I'm super excited that I've still got a lead and it would be amazing to stay in London since it's all-round so competitive so I'm really lucky, but on the other hand I can't help but feel that this is going to be a field that I might have zero interest in. It seems way too operational and hardly "strategic" which is what I yearn to do, and I'm wondering if my career prospects are going to be very pigeonholed after this. I'm still semi-struggling with the choice between a less-than-ideal job in London, or re-applying for a more ideal one back home (ideal being: reputable, great career prospects after, interesting line of work). I need to try to shake off the idea that I am selling myself short if I manage to get an offer for this gig. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and maybe I will end up really liking it.
  2. I've finally made friends with my classmates, and it feels great now to have a support system. An odd measure for this is that I am in a couple of Whatsapp groups with classmates, which is great really because this means that I am in the loop of things. I've made a solid brotherhood (all Asians! The Asian Persuasian hah) too which really makes me feel good because we hang out in the library, get dinner together, go to the gym together, talk about our feelings (lol), drink together etc. and they're all cool with the gay thing obviously. It just really feels nice to have a group to rely on. And I also really like it that these guys are truly just dudely kind of dudes, the incessant foosball sessions, the teasing of each other constantly ("peabrain dumbfuck" among many other insults hurled at each other innocuously), etc. 
  3. Situation with N has vastly improved. He has become very affectionate again and holy fuck, our sex so far has been mind-blowing. I actually started moaning which I've not really done before because it sounds pretty femme but boy oh boy did I moan like a fucking cat. I know it's a little weird that I mentioned the sex bit first, but really, in.cred.ible. He is also a lot more attentive, and responds a lot more to my "bids" (read this: We have also been kinder to each other. When he got back he told me he had a minor aneurysm because I left the rooms really messy (messy in his own words, honestly compared to the average person I'm pretty damn neat) but he didn't yell at me or anything, which was very unlike a few weeks ago when I sprayed a color catcher on his loafers with the good intentions of trying to get rid of the jeans dye stain on it, he went fucking mental on me and yelled so much. We also text a lot more daily too, which is good.
  4. I met up with my therapist to explore though, some of the things that have affected me N-wise. I told her that I'm actually deeply unhappy that there are so many gay Asians in N's life, as I prefer to be the only one. Worse is that these gay Asians are effeminate, unattractive, and all-round pretty damn boring (I'm judging purely from their appearance as I've not spoken much to them) which I feel is really insulting to me because I compare myself with them and wonder if N thinks they're cute, that I'm only just cute in his eyes but not to everyone else's. I said that in fact, I would have preferred if N crushes really hot guys who aren't Asian, because then I'll feel unique and special since I 'trumped' them all as he still ended up choosing to be with me. She told me that my line of thinking is quite 'illogical' in some sense because she said that in fact I should see it as a compliment that N likes people who are similar to me (i.e. Asians) and sees these guys as cute but chose to be with me because I am the 'cutest' in his eyes. I have no idea if what she proposes is what most other people would think in my situation, but it isn't like that for me. 
  5. I also told her about my feelings of jealousy when N speaks to other gay guys, even in anodyne contexts. Jealous not that N is paying attention to others, but the lack of inclusion and desirability that I feel. I said that when N speaks with other gay guys, that means a connection there has formed, but I'm not included in this connection, and it makes me feel that N and these people are deliberately excluding me because I'm not as attractive as N. I said I know it's a woefully superficial way of thinking that people are only friends with N because of his looks, but I can't help think that way because inherently I think that I am equally or even more interesting than N (in fact I do believe that because N is good-looking he displays quite a lot of the typical traits of being less perceptive of other people in group settings, more dismissive, more stubborn and abrasive, and I thought that these would alienate people more but au contraire for some unfathomable reason), and so I rationalize that the only reason why people avoid speaking to me is because they find N hotter. She asked me if this sense of exclusion and jealousy (FOMO essentially) manifests itself in other situations, and I said no. When I see classmates hanging out with pictures on Facebook together, I hardly give a fuck because, if I'm not hanging out with them it's because I've already made a conscious decision they're not interesting to me and vice-versa (potentially). She also asked me if N or the other guys include me in their conversations or mild flirting, would it make everything better, and I said absolutely. She realized that I don't really care if other people flirt with N, but it's more the fact that other people flirt with N and not with me...which troubled me. She also did an exercise where she told me to imagine something I hate about myself, the last time I felt this sense of exclusion, and another for something I like about myself, and when she pushed down on my outstretched arm, she could sense that my energy levels contract for the former two, and expand for the last one. As usual, having a one-hour session is not nearly enough to make any progress on my intractable problems, and I find myself just mostly having mere food for thought after each session. 
  6. Because of the above, I have thought about snooping around on N's phone again, but I know I shouldn't. On one hand, I should honestly trust him now that he seems sincere about getting us back on the right track again, and I shouldn't try to find something when it isn't there, but on the other hand, what if there is actually still something there? I can't say that I fully trust N now still, and I really don't want to get hurt again. I've been trying to do what the therapist told me to do (whenever I feel small and negative, I tap the karate chop point of my hand and recite "I love and approve of myself" which is apparently a textbook procedure called Emotional Freedom Technique, which honestly I am woefully too sardonic to believe in. I've been doing this shit but it's useless. It's like religion for me. What is the point in going to church if I don't believe in it?)

Thus, things are looking up...somewhat. 

As always, signing off from the soapbox of an impudent millenial.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Tumultuous last few days of 2014

The last few months of 2014 were incredibly, incredibly tumultuous. NYE itself turned out to be one of the worst I've ever had...

As mentioned umpteen times before, N and I are going through extremely rough patches. When I went up to Hong Kong to meet him though, it felt so, so good. Both of us were smiling so much and things felt so right. On NYE though, before heading off to the restaurant to meet the rest of our friends, N and I got into a fight because I sprayed some color catcher aerosol thing on his loafers to get rid of the stains and he yelled at me for destroying his shoes. So when we got to the restaurant, tension was pretty high between us.

For some reason he tells me, "tonight I am not going to be the responsible one. I'm going to get drunk, you stay sober!" I was fine with that. He got really drunk. I took his phone up to take pictures of him and our friends, but I saw the Whatsapp messages he had with this other guy, called R. I quickly browsed through it: R said "nice that he's around now, maybe you guys are meant to be" N replied: "that's the awkward part...I know I shouldn't say this but I miss you so much." All this texting while he was sitting right beside me waiting to count down to 2015.

My heart sank. I don't remember much after that. I ran off, he grabbed me, he told me it was a stupid crush, he was drunk, he didn't know what he was typing, he loves me and only me, that's it. After a long while, I go back, eat a fuckton of the food, and this other gay guy, A, keeps flirting with me. Very lascivious, A's boyfriend was sitting right there while this dude slapped my butt and told me that I'm cute and there was actually one point when he kissed me on the lips. I didn't kiss him back. A was really drunk and I was trying to fend him off while also trying to get N to come over and defend me, but he was so absorbed in his own drunkenness. A then comes in between us and hugs us both, and I try to grab N's hand, but N's hand is stroking up and down A's butt.

I ran off. I didn't tell N anything, he called me and said that he is tired of being the nice guy and always asking me what's wrong and me not telling him. I walk around and get some fresh air, missing the fireworks which was the one thing I specifically told N I wanted to watch with him, I was crying, and walking home, then I find him drunk out of his mind yelling to his dad on the phone to send over the private jet to send him back to London. He's furiously packing all his bags, and I kneel down and beg him to stay and to talk to me. The tables turned and he suddenly was the one angry at me telling me he is tired of being constantly judged that he is living off me. I snap out of it, and realize he's just being drunk and shit because I didn't even talk about that the entire night, nor have I given that impression for a while now. I manage to calm him down, put him to bed.

Then I unlocked his phone and started reading the messages he had with R. My heart sank more and more. N has been flirting with R ever since he left London for Hong Kong without me. No wonder he was so cold to me when we were apart. They went on a few dates, and there was even a mention of "Sorry about the kiss" and another where R was apologizing that he only sees N as a friend and nothing more, but N was saying he sees R obviously as more than a friend, but is happy he is honest with him.

I couldn't sleep the whole night. I text my friend in London that I want to crash at his place for a few weeks while I find another place, and I tell my sister that I was going to break it off with N. In the morning, I decide to heed my sister's advice and confront N about it first, since I have enough evidence.

He told me he was really drunk the night before and didn't know he was stroking A's butt, since he thought it was mine...really bullshit excuse but whatever. He denied being romantically involved with R. He explained that he was feeling really low after my situation with G (the guy I sexted very suggestive things like wanting to watch him wank, and me wanting to touch his massive pecs), and when he met R in HK, he developed a crush on the guy because it was nice to connect with someone when he felt distant from me. He said the kiss was an accidental one on the neck when they were hugging, and that nothing physical happened. I told him I wished it was just physical, because I can't believe that my partner's heart was shared with someone else other than me.

I told him I was going to move out, and that I wanted a break-off, and that I was close to giving up on us both. I told him how I felt about everything over the last few weeks, and we both started crying a lot. He cried a lot and hugged me and kissed my forehead a lot, apologising for not giving me enough attention, and that he will change, and that he will fight for us and he begged me not to give up on us.

I know everything above paints him as a jackass, and in some ways objectively it seems so too, but all my friends who know him haven't told me to break up with him. Because the thing is we are actually really perfect for each other, if we work through our problems together. I relent a little, we go back down to my room, and have easily the Holy shit. We tried a new position and it was amazing, and I seriously couldn't walk after. My bum was on fire. Lol.

Anyway, we made up, and he told me that honestly now that we are communicating and are close again, his crush on the other guy has faded. I told him he REALLY REALLY needs to be more open about his feelings and include me into his life, and so we pinky promised that we will have 1 date night every week to have some private intimate time, and that he will tell me if he feels unhappy or crushes on someone else, and he will really bring me along to more of his social events.

I'm really hoping that this time things work out. The problem with N is that he is actually really very universally attractive, and because of that, a lot of attention is showered upon him, and he does some times get swayed by them, especially when we aren't faring well. It always makes me really insecure because he is a lot more attractive than I am, but I told him also that he cannot continue taking me for granted. I am a great catch, and I deserve a lot more than what he is giving me. He told me he knows this and is really sorry about everything.

The funny thing is, I honestly would have been fine if N had a physical fling with a super hot dude. Because then I'll be like, okay fine, I wasn't there physically, so he's just being dumb and wanted to fuck some guy, and I'll drool over this hot dude too. But the thing is, R looks like a fucking gross vampire, and is probably extreeeeemely effeminate judging from his photos, and this was an emotional attachment. I was always a phone call away, the fact that it was emotional cheating hurt me a lot more.

We both have hurt each other a lot. Gah...I'm really hoping that 2015 would turn out a lot better really. I'm very confident that if we pull through all this, which has so far encompassed betrayal, physical violence, emotional detachment, basically the gamut of what couples go through (thankfully each one have been small enough doses to not actually cause irreparable damage), we would be set for the future.

We both made a pact also to stop being overtly flirtatious with other guys. That's one big problem of us both too: we both love the attention of being cheeky and naughty. In fact when one of my gay friends from college visited London, he said I speak in such a sneakily devilish tone he actually got hard (all I said was "fuck me, that duck smells really good" as we were walking past Chinatown LOL). I've stopped speaking with G, who recently made a new IG account where he is whoring his massive pecs and six pack out to amass followers and ugh, I blocked him so that I won't be tempted anymore. I brought up the idea of threesomes to N and once again got shot down haha. I'm actually soooo intrigued to try a threesome. It seems so devilishly kinky and voyeurish. But the other guy has to be really, really hot, for it to be worthwhile (basically G). I wouldn't mind spitroasting G (him sucking my dick while N fucks him) to be honest...but no. Not gonna happen. It'll complicate everything. I'll heed what my sister said: one step at a time. And I probably just have to get rid of my threesome fantasies by just watching a few 3some pornos I guess.

Anyway, happy new year I guess. No one really reads this anymore, even my regular fan FoC is gone. Blehh.