Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Things are looking up somewhat

  1. I've been redirected to a partner interview for the technology consulting branch for one of the firms that I failed the final round with for their strategy branch. On one hand I'm super excited that I've still got a lead and it would be amazing to stay in London since it's all-round so competitive so I'm really lucky, but on the other hand I can't help but feel that this is going to be a field that I might have zero interest in. It seems way too operational and hardly "strategic" which is what I yearn to do, and I'm wondering if my career prospects are going to be very pigeonholed after this. I'm still semi-struggling with the choice between a less-than-ideal job in London, or re-applying for a more ideal one back home (ideal being: reputable, great career prospects after, interesting line of work). I need to try to shake off the idea that I am selling myself short if I manage to get an offer for this gig. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and maybe I will end up really liking it.
  2. I've finally made friends with my classmates, and it feels great now to have a support system. An odd measure for this is that I am in a couple of Whatsapp groups with classmates, which is great really because this means that I am in the loop of things. I've made a solid brotherhood (all Asians! The Asian Persuasian hah) too which really makes me feel good because we hang out in the library, get dinner together, go to the gym together, talk about our feelings (lol), drink together etc. and they're all cool with the gay thing obviously. It just really feels nice to have a group to rely on. And I also really like it that these guys are truly just dudely kind of dudes, the incessant foosball sessions, the teasing of each other constantly ("peabrain dumbfuck" among many other insults hurled at each other innocuously), etc. 
  3. Situation with N has vastly improved. He has become very affectionate again and holy fuck, our sex so far has been mind-blowing. I actually started moaning which I've not really done before because it sounds pretty femme but boy oh boy did I moan like a fucking cat. I know it's a little weird that I mentioned the sex bit first, but really, in.cred.ible. He is also a lot more attentive, and responds a lot more to my "bids" (read this: We have also been kinder to each other. When he got back he told me he had a minor aneurysm because I left the rooms really messy (messy in his own words, honestly compared to the average person I'm pretty damn neat) but he didn't yell at me or anything, which was very unlike a few weeks ago when I sprayed a color catcher on his loafers with the good intentions of trying to get rid of the jeans dye stain on it, he went fucking mental on me and yelled so much. We also text a lot more daily too, which is good.
  4. I met up with my therapist to explore though, some of the things that have affected me N-wise. I told her that I'm actually deeply unhappy that there are so many gay Asians in N's life, as I prefer to be the only one. Worse is that these gay Asians are effeminate, unattractive, and all-round pretty damn boring (I'm judging purely from their appearance as I've not spoken much to them) which I feel is really insulting to me because I compare myself with them and wonder if N thinks they're cute, that I'm only just cute in his eyes but not to everyone else's. I said that in fact, I would have preferred if N crushes really hot guys who aren't Asian, because then I'll feel unique and special since I 'trumped' them all as he still ended up choosing to be with me. She told me that my line of thinking is quite 'illogical' in some sense because she said that in fact I should see it as a compliment that N likes people who are similar to me (i.e. Asians) and sees these guys as cute but chose to be with me because I am the 'cutest' in his eyes. I have no idea if what she proposes is what most other people would think in my situation, but it isn't like that for me. 
  5. I also told her about my feelings of jealousy when N speaks to other gay guys, even in anodyne contexts. Jealous not that N is paying attention to others, but the lack of inclusion and desirability that I feel. I said that when N speaks with other gay guys, that means a connection there has formed, but I'm not included in this connection, and it makes me feel that N and these people are deliberately excluding me because I'm not as attractive as N. I said I know it's a woefully superficial way of thinking that people are only friends with N because of his looks, but I can't help think that way because inherently I think that I am equally or even more interesting than N (in fact I do believe that because N is good-looking he displays quite a lot of the typical traits of being less perceptive of other people in group settings, more dismissive, more stubborn and abrasive, and I thought that these would alienate people more but au contraire for some unfathomable reason), and so I rationalize that the only reason why people avoid speaking to me is because they find N hotter. She asked me if this sense of exclusion and jealousy (FOMO essentially) manifests itself in other situations, and I said no. When I see classmates hanging out with pictures on Facebook together, I hardly give a fuck because, if I'm not hanging out with them it's because I've already made a conscious decision they're not interesting to me and vice-versa (potentially). She also asked me if N or the other guys include me in their conversations or mild flirting, would it make everything better, and I said absolutely. She realized that I don't really care if other people flirt with N, but it's more the fact that other people flirt with N and not with me...which troubled me. She also did an exercise where she told me to imagine something I hate about myself, the last time I felt this sense of exclusion, and another for something I like about myself, and when she pushed down on my outstretched arm, she could sense that my energy levels contract for the former two, and expand for the last one. As usual, having a one-hour session is not nearly enough to make any progress on my intractable problems, and I find myself just mostly having mere food for thought after each session. 
  6. Because of the above, I have thought about snooping around on N's phone again, but I know I shouldn't. On one hand, I should honestly trust him now that he seems sincere about getting us back on the right track again, and I shouldn't try to find something when it isn't there, but on the other hand, what if there is actually still something there? I can't say that I fully trust N now still, and I really don't want to get hurt again. I've been trying to do what the therapist told me to do (whenever I feel small and negative, I tap the karate chop point of my hand and recite "I love and approve of myself" which is apparently a textbook procedure called Emotional Freedom Technique, which honestly I am woefully too sardonic to believe in. I've been doing this shit but it's useless. It's like religion for me. What is the point in going to church if I don't believe in it?)

Thus, things are looking up...somewhat. 

As always, signing off from the soapbox of an impudent millenial.

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