Saturday, January 3, 2015

Tumultuous last few days of 2014

The last few months of 2014 were incredibly, incredibly tumultuous. NYE itself turned out to be one of the worst I've ever had...

As mentioned umpteen times before, N and I are going through extremely rough patches. When I went up to Hong Kong to meet him though, it felt so, so good. Both of us were smiling so much and things felt so right. On NYE though, before heading off to the restaurant to meet the rest of our friends, N and I got into a fight because I sprayed some color catcher aerosol thing on his loafers to get rid of the stains and he yelled at me for destroying his shoes. So when we got to the restaurant, tension was pretty high between us.

For some reason he tells me, "tonight I am not going to be the responsible one. I'm going to get drunk, you stay sober!" I was fine with that. He got really drunk. I took his phone up to take pictures of him and our friends, but I saw the Whatsapp messages he had with this other guy, called R. I quickly browsed through it: R said "nice that he's around now, maybe you guys are meant to be" N replied: "that's the awkward part...I know I shouldn't say this but I miss you so much." All this texting while he was sitting right beside me waiting to count down to 2015.

My heart sank. I don't remember much after that. I ran off, he grabbed me, he told me it was a stupid crush, he was drunk, he didn't know what he was typing, he loves me and only me, that's it. After a long while, I go back, eat a fuckton of the food, and this other gay guy, A, keeps flirting with me. Very lascivious, A's boyfriend was sitting right there while this dude slapped my butt and told me that I'm cute and there was actually one point when he kissed me on the lips. I didn't kiss him back. A was really drunk and I was trying to fend him off while also trying to get N to come over and defend me, but he was so absorbed in his own drunkenness. A then comes in between us and hugs us both, and I try to grab N's hand, but N's hand is stroking up and down A's butt.

I ran off. I didn't tell N anything, he called me and said that he is tired of being the nice guy and always asking me what's wrong and me not telling him. I walk around and get some fresh air, missing the fireworks which was the one thing I specifically told N I wanted to watch with him, I was crying, and walking home, then I find him drunk out of his mind yelling to his dad on the phone to send over the private jet to send him back to London. He's furiously packing all his bags, and I kneel down and beg him to stay and to talk to me. The tables turned and he suddenly was the one angry at me telling me he is tired of being constantly judged that he is living off me. I snap out of it, and realize he's just being drunk and shit because I didn't even talk about that the entire night, nor have I given that impression for a while now. I manage to calm him down, put him to bed.

Then I unlocked his phone and started reading the messages he had with R. My heart sank more and more. N has been flirting with R ever since he left London for Hong Kong without me. No wonder he was so cold to me when we were apart. They went on a few dates, and there was even a mention of "Sorry about the kiss" and another where R was apologizing that he only sees N as a friend and nothing more, but N was saying he sees R obviously as more than a friend, but is happy he is honest with him.

I couldn't sleep the whole night. I text my friend in London that I want to crash at his place for a few weeks while I find another place, and I tell my sister that I was going to break it off with N. In the morning, I decide to heed my sister's advice and confront N about it first, since I have enough evidence.

He told me he was really drunk the night before and didn't know he was stroking A's butt, since he thought it was mine...really bullshit excuse but whatever. He denied being romantically involved with R. He explained that he was feeling really low after my situation with G (the guy I sexted very suggestive things like wanting to watch him wank, and me wanting to touch his massive pecs), and when he met R in HK, he developed a crush on the guy because it was nice to connect with someone when he felt distant from me. He said the kiss was an accidental one on the neck when they were hugging, and that nothing physical happened. I told him I wished it was just physical, because I can't believe that my partner's heart was shared with someone else other than me.

I told him I was going to move out, and that I wanted a break-off, and that I was close to giving up on us both. I told him how I felt about everything over the last few weeks, and we both started crying a lot. He cried a lot and hugged me and kissed my forehead a lot, apologising for not giving me enough attention, and that he will change, and that he will fight for us and he begged me not to give up on us.

I know everything above paints him as a jackass, and in some ways objectively it seems so too, but all my friends who know him haven't told me to break up with him. Because the thing is we are actually really perfect for each other, if we work through our problems together. I relent a little, we go back down to my room, and have easily the Holy shit. We tried a new position and it was amazing, and I seriously couldn't walk after. My bum was on fire. Lol.

Anyway, we made up, and he told me that honestly now that we are communicating and are close again, his crush on the other guy has faded. I told him he REALLY REALLY needs to be more open about his feelings and include me into his life, and so we pinky promised that we will have 1 date night every week to have some private intimate time, and that he will tell me if he feels unhappy or crushes on someone else, and he will really bring me along to more of his social events.

I'm really hoping that this time things work out. The problem with N is that he is actually really very universally attractive, and because of that, a lot of attention is showered upon him, and he does some times get swayed by them, especially when we aren't faring well. It always makes me really insecure because he is a lot more attractive than I am, but I told him also that he cannot continue taking me for granted. I am a great catch, and I deserve a lot more than what he is giving me. He told me he knows this and is really sorry about everything.

The funny thing is, I honestly would have been fine if N had a physical fling with a super hot dude. Because then I'll be like, okay fine, I wasn't there physically, so he's just being dumb and wanted to fuck some guy, and I'll drool over this hot dude too. But the thing is, R looks like a fucking gross vampire, and is probably extreeeeemely effeminate judging from his photos, and this was an emotional attachment. I was always a phone call away, the fact that it was emotional cheating hurt me a lot more.

We both have hurt each other a lot. Gah...I'm really hoping that 2015 would turn out a lot better really. I'm very confident that if we pull through all this, which has so far encompassed betrayal, physical violence, emotional detachment, basically the gamut of what couples go through (thankfully each one have been small enough doses to not actually cause irreparable damage), we would be set for the future.

We both made a pact also to stop being overtly flirtatious with other guys. That's one big problem of us both too: we both love the attention of being cheeky and naughty. In fact when one of my gay friends from college visited London, he said I speak in such a sneakily devilish tone he actually got hard (all I said was "fuck me, that duck smells really good" as we were walking past Chinatown LOL). I've stopped speaking with G, who recently made a new IG account where he is whoring his massive pecs and six pack out to amass followers and ugh, I blocked him so that I won't be tempted anymore. I brought up the idea of threesomes to N and once again got shot down haha. I'm actually soooo intrigued to try a threesome. It seems so devilishly kinky and voyeurish. But the other guy has to be really, really hot, for it to be worthwhile (basically G). I wouldn't mind spitroasting G (him sucking my dick while N fucks him) to be honest...but no. Not gonna happen. It'll complicate everything. I'll heed what my sister said: one step at a time. And I probably just have to get rid of my threesome fantasies by just watching a few 3some pornos I guess.

Anyway, happy new year I guess. No one really reads this anymore, even my regular fan FoC is gone. Blehh.


  1. I always read your posts.

    I totally empathize with the hurt you must feel. And the frustration.

    I don't know who said it first but many have learned (the hard way) that the most important lessons in life come from dealing with, and overcoming, hardships. That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

    As awful as New Year's Eve was, in retrospect it might turn out to be a major, positive turning point in our relationship with N.

    1. thanks so much man, means a lot to me!

      and yes, that is true, i am very hopeful things will start looking really good for us!