Friday, February 20, 2015

My Penis & I

I just watched this extremely strange show on TV that was centered around a fat balding mid-thirties man who was extremely insecure about his small penis (erect about 3 inches) after being bullied and teased in high school by locker room boys and girls. He goes around talking to his girlfriend, girls, male porn stars, surgeons, about his penis, and it was all very strange. He is completely obsessed with how small his penis is, and how he thinks it doesn't make him enough of a man. His girlfriend said she wishes he has a bigger penis just so he will be more confident and accepting of it, otherwise she's like 'meh' about it. Girls tell him that his penis size isn't representative of his manhood. He sees a male pornstar with a huge dick and he's totally enamored. He even makes a cast of his tiny dick, and then speaks to a support group of guys with small cocks to regain his confidence, and eventually snaps out of it and becomes more optimistic and 'embraces' his penis as part of himself.

I don't know. I think about this in my own context, and I don't know if I can be like him. Growing up I was always extremely ashamed about my penis. I thought it was tiny. It also didn't help that I'm uncut, and all the porn that I watched, everyone was cut, and I thought I was a freak. I was also kind of fat as a kid, so a lot of fat was around my penile region so it looked smaller too. The surgeon that the dude above saw, said that the average penis size in the UK is 5 inches. When I heard that I was like, holy shit, I'm definitely above average then. It instantly made me feel pretty good about myself, and I realize some times I really do have a confirmation bias where I believe something very negatively about myself and when people tell me otherwise I dismiss them. Like I've been told by a few guys that I've quite a nice sizeable penis (many say "especially for an Asian" - even among the Asian guys, either on webcam or in person) but I think they're just lying. The same when I'm convinced that no one will find me 'attractive' and that I'm just 'average' like a 5/10, when there have been multiple cases in the past when people told me they think I'm attractive (this guy I knew back in college recently just told me he had a crush on me but didn't do anything because I never tried anything on him, and I was always abusing drugs so he assumed I was always getting high and having revenge sex but I wasn't interested in him lol) but I ignore them all...

It's crazy how for so long I've really thought that I'm lesser than a man just because I thought I have a small penis, and that I'm gay and more of a 'fag' than a 'macho' dude. I just don't really understand how my mind works - why do I oscillate so much between over-confidence and under-confidence?

Some of my friends are dating some guys who they say have really small penises, like 4.5 inches or something, but they don't mind their partners' small dicks cos they're tops and they like butts more. I don't know if I'll be fine with a small penis tbh. It'll be so hard to be 'okay' with it.

Which made me think of my insecurity about my hair. Baldness runs in the family, and I'm terrified that it's going to happen to me. I've been teased growing up for having a huge forehead, and a 'M' hairline. I obsess over if it's receding or not. I once told N I'll kill myself if I ever go bald.

I told him I'm seriously considering doing a hair transplant. He insists that I'm not balding, I just have a high forehead, and he insists he loves me for me, even if I go bald.

I don't know if that's enough really. The importance of physical appearance is so ingrained in me, and in him, that I cannot ever imagine myself being okay with that.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

What a blissful Valentine's!

Oh boy oh boy, this is my first true vday really. Although N and I have been together for about 1.5 years now, last year's Vday was surprisingly very quiet, because I quit my job the weekend after it, lol. I was so stressed out with the negativity at work, I didn't think much about valentine's. This year, with his dad gone, his fat sister staying the night at someone else's place, and me feeling pretty good about myself with the whole job thing, we had a great day out together.

I booked this amazing restaurant a couple weeks ago for lunch, because it's one of those insane tasting menu sort of places where we had lunch from 1.15 - 5pm! Dinner there would have just been wayy too exhausting. Food was simply astounding. Presentation of everything was so immaculate, and the flavors of everything blended together so delicately and richly at the same time. The thing I've learned about what makes something gratifying/magnetic in life is balance. Balance of sourness and sweetness, richness and lightness - not just in food, but in relationships, personalities, cultures, art, movies, music; everything.

We then made our way to a Museum of Zoology, with taxidermied animals galore, and a glass of wine each. It was surprisingly interesting reading about how some animals mate (like I never knew male sharks kind of bit and bruised female sharks during copulation...talk about a Christian Grey complex). We were all huddled together in this creaky old museum and I reached into N's pockets and fondled him a bit and he was really annoyed and snapped at me. I got a bit cranky after that because I told him I just want to be a little mischievous here and there but he wouldn't have any of it...

Then we had a slightly heated discussion about this. He asks me why am I so turned on by risky public sexual acts or voyeurism, and I had no retort other than to say he is sometimes so sexually boring, which he got really pissed at me for a bit. We made up after that, but it really got me thinking - am I perverse, or is he just a numpty prude? I always want our sex to be a bit naughtier and riskier, like once I actually managed to convince N to fuck me in a sauna (very typical bougie shenanigans of mine - in a country club which membership is close to half a million USD!) and it was super hot, but that was like a one-off scenario. It's a little strange because on the other hand, there have been times when N wants to fuck me really hard, but I'm way too fragile for roughhousing, so maybe he's not getting fulfilled in that sense too. Which is why I do think we will really entertain the thought of a threesome in the future - this way he can fuck a guy really really hard the way he wants to, and I can get off watching my hot boyfriend fuck another hot guy (preferably muscular with a big dick - which is kind of why G did fit the bill)

Anyway, we left after and went to another sushi place (N and I do love our Japanese food) and hot damn it was really good sushi. Kinda pricey but that's London anyway. Got back home, and I realized I left my goddamn Armani umbrella in either the tube/train/bus/whatever...I got really really sad, and then N comes to me with yet another card, this one so silly all it says is "Sexy Arse" at the front, with two red semicircles and that's it. He calls me his "circle" because he says my face is round, my tooshie is round, and he is my "line" because he's tall and skinny lol. I don't even know how can anyone ever think "circle" and "roundness" can ever be remotely considered terms of affection but somehow it works for this guy hahaha. It used to annoy me a lot because it carries the connotation that I'm fat when I sure as hell am not (I'm 5'8", 140 lbs) but I've gotten used to it.

We are also going to Paris in March!!! Not for long but just a short weekend trip. It's kinda pathetic how I've been in London for so many months now but this is the first time I'm traveling out of the country, to...a city that I've already been 3 times before. But it's fine, this time we are going to Versailles and Disney!!! WAHOO!!! I love love Disney. I'm such a kid I know but I truly love Disney and all its sappy stupid 'magic' shit. The reason why we can't travel much is because N is pretty much the legal guardian of his fat spoilt sister, so if he leaves no one's to take care of her...gah.

Anyway, things are really really good and I'm really happy! 2015 has been great so far :)

Friday, February 13, 2015

Take me to church


Goddammit, things are never peaceful and 'simple' with me...

On Wednesday I had such a perfect date night with N. He surprised me with tickets to watch a ballet at the Royal Opera House, because he remembered I once mentioned to him that I've never been to a ballet, and wanted to see at least one some time. Since it was my first time I decided to overdress a little, and both of us turned up in bow ties and a suit, and boy oh boy, N looked immaculately handsome. I just couldn't take my eyes off him. We even had a glass of Ruinart each too during the intermission!

I went in thinking ballet would be really stuffy and boring, but it was beautiful. The set design was incredible - everything looked like it was from a painting. Also it was my first time noticing how incredibly hot male ballet dancers are - they have insanely nice and perky butts! Hahaha. Still though I much prefer female ballerinas - movement is so fluid and light, floating about the stage like butterflies.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We then went into this sushi place and had really really good conveyor belt sushi (and I am super picky about my Japanese food!) and it felt good too because the waitress complimented us on our attire. At home N gives me the cheesiest vday card ever hahaha with his cute completely childlike handwriting with a couple of spelling mistakes etc. - classic N being so bad with expressing himself.

Yesterday morning N's dad finally leaves - hurrah!!! This means no more hiding around the house anymore.

Yesterday night though, I was on campus and we have this thing on Thursday where there's free booze at the yard, so I was having a good time talking to my friends, finally super relieved that I found a job and at such a great globally renowned company too, when G and BD (Bald Dude) comes over...

So G is this 22-year old guy I cheated on N with. He whipped his dick out in the school bus on a field trip during the second week of school and got me to stroke it a bit - it was really hot because it was so dangerous. N isn't usually that thrill-seeking. We were also in separate stalls in the gym shower, and I wanked him under the gap. He also sucked me off etc...so we do definitely had a bit of sexual history which made me very guilty with the whole cheating thing, but N and I got over it (as mentioned in entries earlier)

Now BD is this 30-something dude with a huge nose and is completely bald, skinny, and unattractive, but he is bolstered by the fact that he is working at one of the most prestigious consulting firms in the world, and loves preying on younger men. I know he is also interested in me sexually, because he has made a couple passes before but I always brushed it off but I did lightly flirt back just for the heck of it really. He is a nice guy though, but too fucking sex-crazed for me, and I've always kind of thought he is a bit of a sexual predator given that he only preys on younger guys.

Turns out BD has fucked G a couple times in school, as BD was explaining to me that G is a power bottom. He told me this in confidence, but I was drunk, and I was kind of insulted, because it made me feel that G has no standards, and why the hell should I ever be attracted to someone who has no standards (sorry but I just cannot fathom that)?? I confronted G about this, who in turn immediately told BD cos that fugly prick came along to interject our conversation, and then they both got pissed with me for divulging secrets. Then BD drags me along and says "let's go talk in a more private area" and then I go along with them drunkenly and suddenly I see them both making out.

I get really uncomfortable and I was like "Okay woah, what is going on" and they started undressing each other, and BD touches me too. I kept pushing his hand away telling him that I'm not doing this, but I was pretty intoxicated and didn't completely defend myself. G comes over and lightly kisses me, I don't kiss back, but I don't fight either, and I tell him "hey I don't wanna do this" but then he kneels down and whips my rock hard dick out and starts sucking me off for 2 seconds, and then I push him away and pull my pants up. All this time BD is groping my butt and I keep telling them "I'm not like you guys, also I need to go get my bag"

Then the security guard came, caught G with his fucking pants down, me in the corner and BD standing up from a kneel. Fuck. My. Life. He takes all of our names down, and I rush off feeling fucking angry and still drunk, and I told both BD and G that I don't want to see them for a while. I call N and confess about what happened and say I'm sorry, and surprisingly he says it's completely fine because he fully trusts me. Wow. I'm a lucky man.

I go to McDonald's drunk and angry and I order 20 piece nuggets and two chicken mayo burgers ahahaha. Drunchies lmao. I eat all that shit up (I think I ordered nuggets because I went to the gym before that so I wanted my protein), got home, and texted BD that what happened tonight was not cool, and he told me "I am disappointed because I feel betrayed that you told G what happened when I specifically said it was a secret. I don't think I can tell you anything from now on."

And I blew up - I was like, "Fuck? Tonight I pretty much felt like I was being sexually violated against my will and this is what you're cranking on about?" And he told me "It won't happen again. Let's be professional about this."

Good heavens. He just doesn't get it. I'm not going to get on a moral high horse or whatever here of course - but the simple fact is: BD is atrociously unattractive (hence why N never saw him as a threat) and the fact that he molested me, and tried to make me join in the threesome with him and G is just plain revolting to me. He also fucking knew that I have told him multiple times that N and I are in a very committed monogamous (for the most part) relationship, and I am not going to be some easy slut and let any bald old dickhead suck me off or fuck me. If I'm already dating Prada, why the fuck would I suddenly go shop at Walmart?

Anyway, I doubt I want to hang out with him anymore. He got what he wanted - to touch me here and there whatever, so I don't have much else to say to him. And for G, same too. He told me he wants to explain to me why he had sex with BD, but I doubt I want to hear the reasons - he is just how I do not like my eggs to be cooked: over easy.

This entry has been super fucking snarky, but it honestly just disgusts me how I actually just let myself trust these people and got myself into such a situation. I am so lucky that N is so understanding about the situation.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

i am finally employed.

omg. i cannot even begin to say how relieved i feel. it has honestly been SO tough jumping through mad mad hoops trying to get past this "i am not an EU citizen" bullshit here

I AM SO GLAD I AM GOING TO BE WORKING IN LONDON WAHOOO!!!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Brokeback Mountain

So I chanced upon it today on TV and watched it in its entirety. I remember watching it back in 2006 on DVD at my place with a bunch of friends (who were well, all in the closet like me too, funny really), but I distinctly remember falling asleep and feeling utterly bored by it. Back then also, I had an emotional cordon around myself, and perhaps I subconsciously forced myself to feel disinterested in the movie because it may awake emotions that I didn't want to face back then.

This time, I was riveted, and felt genuine sorrow for Ennis and Jack. It truly is an epic tragic love story, and the acting is superb. The ending scene with the two shirts reversed along with the postcard of the mountains pained me. I also cannot deny getting a hard-on the first time they had sex. Oh my, if I had Jake Gyllenhaal in that position...

Anyway, after the movie I went over and hugged N really tightly. I'm more like Jack, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and in some ways, N is like Ennis.

I'm really lucky to be able to openly love another man. Granted it isn't perfect - N's dad has been staying with us for the last two months, and a few days ago, possibly because he reached the height of his suspicion over our relationship (although I still find it truly odd that it wasn't glaringly obvious that N and I are more than just friends), he knocked on my door and opened it to find both N and I on the same bed. I yelped, threw the comforter over us, and he left the room. He then texted N that sometimes it's better to stay silent rather than talk, "just know that your father knows many things but he chooses to stay quiet."

The whole thing was really unfortunate because N and I have been sleeping in separate rooms but N came over to cuddle me for merely 2 minutes and bam - cat's out of the bag. Although his dad has become very cold to me now and hardly speaks to N in the house anymore, at least we are still civil, and at least he didn't react violently...he is also leaving on Thursday, so 4 more days to go...

Anyway, I can't imagine how painful it must have been for so many men who couldn't express their love for another man in hyper-masculine environments...

Friday, February 6, 2015

Growing and learning day by day


A lot has happened. Thankfully, it worked out pretty well.

The last few weeks were blissful. N was spending a lot more time with me, he was attentive and kind and cheeky with me again, and sex was more regular and amazing once again. But I felt more and more weighed down by my own guilt, about the lies that I kept inside and it was gnawing away at me every day. And then I projected that on to N, as the guilty always do, and I started feeling paranoid when he went out on weekends for the whole day while I was staying at home wondering if he was telling the truth.

See the thing is, I cheated on N too. I wasn't honest with anyone except with my therapist about G. G and I did have a few physical moments together. It weighed down on me a lot. But when I read those messages on N's old phone that he was cheating on me back then too, I got really angry and hurt.

Because we are both similar in the way that we are both very naive and stubborn. We came into this relationship thinking that for others the world may be grey, but for us, things were quite black and white. We thought that we would never cheat - yes we will some times flirt with others but hey it's all harmless! - we thought we would never be able to condone cheating too. N told me that he would walk out if I ever cheated on him.

He was afraid of the same thing too, that I would walk out on him.

When I confronted him at first, I gave him a chance to tell the whole truth about everything, before I said what I saw on his phone. He kept denying everything. It was completely unlike how it played out in the scenario I spoke with two of my friends back home in frenzied calls. This was what was supposed to happen: I'll tell N that everything has been going well, however, I've been getting a sense of deja vu that he is becoming busier again, and so I unfortunately snooped on his phone and found many incriminating evidence. Then I'll give him the chance to come clean to me, and I'll tell him that it's okay we will work through this together because I also cheated on him with G. But he kept denying and denying and denying. They told me to not date a liar - especially someone who seems pathologically dishonest.

You see the thing is I realized he has been consistently lying about a lot of things about this guy, R from Hong Kong. Turns out back in October R came to London to visit, and they both met up, got drunk, and N went back with R and R sucked him off and N came on his chest and face. I didn't know this of course - I was told that he had "dance practice." They flirted a lot throughout the next few months, and N wanted to break up with me. He made plans to go to Hong Kong to see R, without informing me, when initially he told me he didn't have the finances to go to Asia for Christmas break. He lied to me that he booked HK to surprise me, but then he told me not to go to HK because he wanted me to see my family at home instead. And all that he told me when I confronted him after NYE when I first saw those Whatsapp messages from R, he lied to me then too.

When I called him out on everything this time, telling him I know specifically that he had his dick sucked by R, and he came all over that guy's face, he started going into some sort of panic attack. The next hour was painful. He started avoiding me, going on his phone telling me he really needs to send an email out, and I told him I'll break up with him if he continues evading me. Eventually when I managed to get through to him, I told him I couldn't trust him anymore, and I needed to look through his phone now to make sure that nothing else is going on with other people. He was so resistant at first, but then he agreed, but told me that it is disgusting that I have to snoop on his phone and stuff, and he feels really naked and exposed. I told him he deserved such an interrogation, words that my best friend back home backed me up with when I asked her during my scenario-playing.

When I told him about G, everything changed even more. He started flaring up saying I was a hypocrite. I shot it back to him and said back in December when he found out about G, he was so sanctimonious with me when he actually was having a full-blown affair himself. Tempers flared a lot. I told him his was worse because he built an entire house of cards of perpetual lies with a full-out emotional and physical affair with someone else when mine were just a couple drunken lustful trysts in the school's bathroom. Fingers kept getting pointed. After a while we both calmed down and asked each other how do we proceed from there.

Trust is actually incredibly hard to build, but yet so easy to tear down. And it is essentially, integral to any healthy relationships. The really odd thing is, in some ways it was helpful that we both cheated on each other at the roughest ever patch that our relationship has gone through. We both handled it very badly, and looked for an external coping mechanism instead of confronting the problem with each other. It would have been terrible if only one of us was unfaithful - not that this was much less painful.

N started this year saying he wanted a fresh new start - I told him his definition of a fresh new start of being honest from 2015 onwards but lying about everything in 2014 and before is flawed, at least from my perspective. N's coping mechanism is complete denial - he told me he almost completely denied to himself that he did anything physical with R, who by the way, IMHO, is way fucking uglier than G. I am a lot more about talking everything out, laying everything out on the table. I asked him if he felt better now knowing that I know, he said yes, but he's also scared of how we were going to proceed from there.

Weirdly, it was quite easy. The thing is, we both fucking love each other. People do make mistakes. Ourselves included. That was the biggest lesson we've learned so far. And it is quite possible to forgive people, but it is much harder to forget. I can't really get the mental image out of my head of N cumming all over R's face, and N told me he doesn't really want to bump into G at my school because all he can think of is me licking his nipples because I like his pecs. We said no more lies from now on, complete honesty, even things that we might want to hide from the other to "protect" that person - I cautioned N about this, because I absolutely loathe being treated like a fucking fool with wool over my eyes. This is why I hate surprises - I hate birthday surprises too - because I get very shifty with uncertainty.

Now this is the weird part. N told me that he is so angry with G he wants to stab him. But he knows he can't go around stabbing people, so he said he wants to....fuck G so hard that it hurts him. I told him that G has had double penetration before so I don't know if it would even be painful for him. We somehow got to the topic of threesomes, and N finally relented that he may consider threesomes in the future, just as long as both of us aren't emotionally attracted to the third person. So he said maybe in the future I could watch N fuck G while G sucks me off, like in a spitroast.

Wow. That night, we had such fucking awesome sex. My head was running wild thinking of N fucking G. The thing is, G is actually undeniably hot. He has amazing amazing tits, a nice-ish very blond-hair blue-eyed handsome face (although N is arguably hotter), and a nice enough cock. R on the other hand, looks like a fucking zombie, and his body is laughably way worse than mine, so obviously a threesome with G is a lot more palatable to me than one with R. N also kind of agreed G is marginally hot, but he pestered me a lot if I thought he was hotter which of course N is. He did get insecure for a bit, because G is more like an Adonis and looks very very different from N, but R is also Asian like me, and so N was wondering if I didn't find him physically attractive enough to me, which is false, because I explained to him that we both were just looking for an outlet where another person was connecting with us a lot better, mine just happened to be a proper twunk hah.

I never thought we'll be comfortable with threesomes, but we may very well be. I love voyeurism, and N doesn't fuck me like a pornstar because our sex is really the more romantic and gentle sort usually. But that night, after all the confrontations and shit, when we talked about a threesome with G, N fucked my brains out. I was riding that dick while he thrusted so violently but yet safely too and my toes started curling at one point. We dirty-talked a lot too, which turns me on a lot, and he kept sucking on my tits which man, was heavenly.

Anyway, so things are pretty much resolved haha. I know it seems kind of shallow that sex and the idea of threesomes seem to have solved this, but nah, it was really more because N and I are essentially good guys who made mistakes and we agreed to work on anything together from now on. I promised him too I won't snoop round his stuff anymore, but he must be completely honest with me.

Guess we have to, at the end of the day, really just trust each other. If not, well, I guess I know what to do.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

So I snooped around a bit more

Nope I was right. He was having an affair a few months ago. He wrote that he came all over the chest of that guy, and he acknowledged his cheating to my friend, who doesn't talk to me anymore.

Tonight I shall talk to him.

I should really stop

Snooping about N's phones. I looked through his old phone's camera roll and found a couple of pictures of this guy's butt spread open. This guy actually came over and stayed with us for a weekend before, and N told me that nothing was going on between them.

I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, and even if so, this happened months ago, and everything is going really well now, so I shouldn't make this a bigger issue I guess? Other than the fact that he wasn't entirely honest with me...

[unsure]