Friday, February 20, 2015

My Penis & I

I just watched this extremely strange show on TV that was centered around a fat balding mid-thirties man who was extremely insecure about his small penis (erect about 3 inches) after being bullied and teased in high school by locker room boys and girls. He goes around talking to his girlfriend, girls, male porn stars, surgeons, about his penis, and it was all very strange. He is completely obsessed with how small his penis is, and how he thinks it doesn't make him enough of a man. His girlfriend said she wishes he has a bigger penis just so he will be more confident and accepting of it, otherwise she's like 'meh' about it. Girls tell him that his penis size isn't representative of his manhood. He sees a male pornstar with a huge dick and he's totally enamored. He even makes a cast of his tiny dick, and then speaks to a support group of guys with small cocks to regain his confidence, and eventually snaps out of it and becomes more optimistic and 'embraces' his penis as part of himself.

I don't know. I think about this in my own context, and I don't know if I can be like him. Growing up I was always extremely ashamed about my penis. I thought it was tiny. It also didn't help that I'm uncut, and all the porn that I watched, everyone was cut, and I thought I was a freak. I was also kind of fat as a kid, so a lot of fat was around my penile region so it looked smaller too. The surgeon that the dude above saw, said that the average penis size in the UK is 5 inches. When I heard that I was like, holy shit, I'm definitely above average then. It instantly made me feel pretty good about myself, and I realize some times I really do have a confirmation bias where I believe something very negatively about myself and when people tell me otherwise I dismiss them. Like I've been told by a few guys that I've quite a nice sizeable penis (many say "especially for an Asian" - even among the Asian guys, either on webcam or in person) but I think they're just lying. The same when I'm convinced that no one will find me 'attractive' and that I'm just 'average' like a 5/10, when there have been multiple cases in the past when people told me they think I'm attractive (this guy I knew back in college recently just told me he had a crush on me but didn't do anything because I never tried anything on him, and I was always abusing drugs so he assumed I was always getting high and having revenge sex but I wasn't interested in him lol) but I ignore them all...

It's crazy how for so long I've really thought that I'm lesser than a man just because I thought I have a small penis, and that I'm gay and more of a 'fag' than a 'macho' dude. I just don't really understand how my mind works - why do I oscillate so much between over-confidence and under-confidence?

Some of my friends are dating some guys who they say have really small penises, like 4.5 inches or something, but they don't mind their partners' small dicks cos they're tops and they like butts more. I don't know if I'll be fine with a small penis tbh. It'll be so hard to be 'okay' with it.

Which made me think of my insecurity about my hair. Baldness runs in the family, and I'm terrified that it's going to happen to me. I've been teased growing up for having a huge forehead, and a 'M' hairline. I obsess over if it's receding or not. I once told N I'll kill myself if I ever go bald.

I told him I'm seriously considering doing a hair transplant. He insists that I'm not balding, I just have a high forehead, and he insists he loves me for me, even if I go bald.

I don't know if that's enough really. The importance of physical appearance is so ingrained in me, and in him, that I cannot ever imagine myself being okay with that.

2 comments:

  1. The biggest problem is that all of us have been brainwashed by porn. Porn is taking only the guys with the biggest cocks. So we watch hundreds (or thousands) of porn stars and we start to believe that they are the norm. They are not! These are the guys who are above the 95th percentile in cock size.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yeah for sure! it shapes our perceptions really badly...

      Delete