Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How funny life works

N told me at the very start of our relationship that he cannot condone cheating. His dad was a serial cheater, and physically abused his mom many times, and even passed on an STD to her that he got from a hooker. They split up and it's been messy ever since, and he doesn't want anything that has happened to his mom to happen to him.

Except that he has become his father.

While he was on the phone upstairs with his dad, I went on his facebook and realised that the reason why he was so cold to me, the actual reason behind all his phone calls at 1 am to "his mom" due to time difference in the Middle East, was because he was cheating on me with another Asian boy he met on Instagram. They have exchanged dick pics, said that they love each other, said they are meant for each other, etc.

It's scary to remove myself from this situation because I trusted him so much. I gave N my entire heart, and thought he would take care of it. He has taken me for granted so, so much. But the truth is I don't know what is my life without him. I have honestly let him in completely.

To think that it is the new year tomorrow.

why can't i stop coughing

it's so annoying!!! i've been koffing for a week now and it's killing me. i've self-medicated to zero results...

man every time i go out with N now, he is CONSTANTLY instagramming, just because he somehow found himself semi "insta-famous" with 18k followers, so whenever we are at a nice 2 michelin-star restaurant or whatever, HE IS ALWAYS ON HIS GODDAMN PHONE editing the pictures of the fucking food we are eating. and it pisses me off and i have told him before that it pisses me off because it is rude and disrespectful and he tells me he doesn't like my attitude???


it's always so easy for him to be like "hey you're being annoying what is it with your attitude"

and i get all "fuck. it's because you're fucking annoying as fucking hell you motherfucking fuck of a cunt go fuck a duck" which doesn't help because i swear so much at him, so yes once again he's all "there. attitude"

also our relationship has become sexless



all i do is wank a shit ton. sigh. he's stressed out with school and job applications blahblah (strangely he seems to be facing the same number of rejections as i have done - but he's actually british while i had to fight for my sad lil immigrant visa) so he told me he feels asexual now lol.

i've actually been quite an understanding boyf. blargghhh

Sunday, December 20, 2015

You and me got a whole lotta history

Ok so I actually really like One Direction, and it (kinda) sucks they're not gonna be making any more teenybopper music for the next few years.

Man I'm SO HAPPY that Christmas is here. I need a well-deserved break from work. Although to be completely fair, my situation ain't as bad as my friends. My other consultant friends work until 1 am every single fucking day, and let's not even start with the others in investment banks/PE funds - 2 am is normal. I end work at about 6.30 or 7 pm every day, which is fantastic really, given the nature of my job.

Anyway since this blog is where I speak about my slutty thoughts in secret, I went back to the bathroom mall where I first semi-wanked with an older guy at the urinal. This mall is actually along the way that I walk from my client's office towards my own office, and so I cheekily decided to go check it out again. Funny enough - there was yet another older guy standing at the urinal with his erect (pretty fat) cock out again, and he peered at me so much (like literally he stuck his head out over to try and look at my dick but I hid it with my hands) I couldn't pee and I actually started getting really hard. There were other people that came in and out of the toilet too and some were also just standing there checking out other people's cocks.

Man - I think I found a cruising spot really. Which is crazy because this is a really nice mall with a swanky rooftop bar - but I do think the bathroom architect must have been a gay man because it's really way too easy to check out each other's dicks.

Anyway I left because my heart started pounding a lot and I didn't really want him to see my dick because he was older, kinda fat, and not attractive, but still the idea of wanking at the urinals with a sizzling hot muscular guy is a really really hot fantasy of mine. Some times I really just let my imagination run wild with these things because I know that I don't want to (really) do anything to jeopardize my relationship with N, but I also really do like fantasy sex.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

My son was kissing boys in the street


Also, I'm a little afraid I'm going to grow up to become a pedophile, or one of those old geezers who pay for money boys (obviously, disregarding the fact that I am in a very good and loving relationship [still! I know it's crazy] with N), because I really really like the young & handsome 18-25 look [like the guy above], which is discomfiting because many of my friends seem to prefer older 30+ guys?

Also, something that's weirdly very American about me is that I only wear boxer shorts for underwear. I don't like it when briefs or boxer briefs bunch up around my balls and it feels very constricting, so I just let it all hang with boxer shorts. When I once tried N's boxer briefs on, he looked at me with disgust and was like "eww this is so weird that you're wearing something so tight" and it made me feel annoyed that he doesn't think I can "pull" off wearing something European-sexy like boxer briefs and have to stick to my loose-fit unfashionable boxer shorts...w t f

Monday, December 7, 2015

Life has become boring as a corporate zombie

I do the same routines day in day out, and I am slowly just getting used to this boredom - that scares me! I don't want to be a boring person...

Sunday, December 6, 2015

My mama don't like you and she likes everyone

So my previous entry was definitely pretty sketchy haha. Think things should be fine though - I didn't really do much and anyway - I like how it looks down below! So I'm not too bothered I guess if I ended up online hah.

Anyway, life is so strange right now. Being a consultant definitely has its ups and downs...I'm based at my client's office which is not in London so every Monday to Thursday I'm living in a hotel and eating room service or whatever. It gets really quite shitty because I'm a really spoilt guy and this little village has less than 200,000 people so it's honestly some sort of farm countryside for me and it got really depressing I actually cried during lunch at the cafeteria last week. I don't know if this experience will toughen me up or something (I have six more fucking months on this project) but I've really been trying very hard to adjust to how people live outside of major cities. The food is always so horrible, everyone is obese, no one is Asian and I really cannot understand anyone's accents because it's so regional and thick - you would think that everyone speaks the Queen's English in the UK but fuck that only the posh kids do everyone speaks some sort of Cockney.

On the other hand everything I spend on weekdays is paid for, plus I'm not paying rent since N owns the house we are living in, so I am saving a crazy amount of money, and collecting all those hotel and credit card points along the way. Because of that I have become even more materialistic than ever - and spent about 1000£ buying stuff from Gucci, Burberry, Prada, Versace etc hahaha. Guess that's the good side of being a consultant - I am definitely gonna book myself a five star hotel next year when I vacay either in Dubai or Malta.

N has been so stressed out with applying for internships (he applied to more than 30 holy fuck I only applied for 12...) and doing all the relentless online assessments and he got so depressed he cried so much yesterday as I was hugging him in bed. He said he's really just very tired. He hasn't had good news so far, plus he's juggling a lot of school work and extracurricular shit too, because unlike me, he loves keeping himself so much busier than he can handle. Silly kid really. I felt so bad for him and I've really been trying to be supportive by helping him a lot with his CVs cover letters etc, but some times we just snap at each other because it's a period of change for both of us now, and it's almost reminiscent of what we went through last year but I guess this time it's a lot better because I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating on me and neither am I (also there are absolutely no cute guys at work at all).

I'm gonna head back home for Chinese New Year though I'm staying here for Christmas because N is staying in London. Really wanted to go back home for two weeks but my manager was like "that's during crunch time..." Ugh. It's fucking expensive to fly back home so I can't believe I'm flying back for just a week but guess this is the shitty part of working so far away from the motherland hah. I just really miss my family again, and being back in Asia will definitely re-invigorate me.

Oh yeah we had a company Christmas party recently and something funny pretty happened. This pretty cute blond dude who's hooking up with this girl I'm pretty close with told me "man you're always dressed so sharp!! You're a handsome young man and I'm just gutted why aren't the ladies queueing up for you?" And the girl hit the guy really hard on the shoulder and said "he has a boyfriend!! And his boyfriend is really cute too" and he started apologising and mumbling some shit that all straight guys feel the need to say when they meet a gay guy "oh my roommates brother is gay and he comes over to chill all the time and it's all good I like him a lot" and I was just laughing really hard at how awkward it got. Especially since this guy came up to me drunkenly once at the urinals and said that he loves me and actually kissed my cheek while I was peeing but he closed his eyes and was saying "don't worry I won't look" but I kind of wanted him to peek hahaha. It's so sad but I really do like straight guys as eye candy a lot more than gay guys.

Also that was a fucking long run on sentence but I'm on my phone and I'm too lazy to use proper punctuation.