Tuesday, December 20, 2016

now i know nobody reads this anymore, but

it's good to just have an outlet still to just pen my thoughts down.

this year has been a tough one again. i think as i grow up, i realize more and more that it is hard to grow up - i don't think i'm alone that when we were kids we were constantly told that we could do anything in the world, that we have very bright futures, that things will come more easily for us than for others. but what i've learned is that academic competence, or at least competence in these bubbles during adolescence, rarely translates easily to competence in the real-world. not just in the sense of street-smartness vs. book-smartness. just an overall sense of, fuck dude, life is pretty tough.

but i'm still very fortunate that yes, good things do come more easily for me than for many others in the world, and i am appreciative of that. but these all entail many bumps in the road still. and i don't think the ride will ever not be a bumpy one. it's more about understanding when to slow the car down either before you reach the bump, or once you know that you're on a bump. it's all about realistic expectations, but, equally importantly, to know when we should just take a different road instead.

each year i learn more things about myself, and each year i unlearn more things about myself. fortunately, in the grand scheme of things, i do still try to be a better person each year, as cynical as i am. each year i cry a lot, but each year i also smile and laugh a lot.

my perspectives on corporate life have also changed a lot. i used to think that i would never ever be the type that feels passionately about a job, because i judged those that seemed to feel passionately about their jobs as corporate zombies. but then i realized there was a difference between the type of people who defined themselves by their career and was truly chained to them, and those that genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and were more than willing to put in the extra effort to do well in the workplace. then i got sucked in to the marketing glamor of thinking that my potential is 'limitless' and that i will 'change the world' and then got really fucking sad and cynical when the humdrum hit. but at the end of the year, i realized i've still learned so, so much, and i actually love what i do (not all of the time of course), and that i've taken a lot of things for granted. because i am always filled with lots of self-doubt, i have deliberated for a long time if this was a case of stockholm syndrome, but no it isn't. it does give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment knowing i've contributed to a team and stuff - it's actually pretty healthy validation, no?

and that was the thing i started out with at the beginning of the year - i rejected the idea of external validation. i wanted to staunchly believe, like i used to a long time ago, that i could do anything with just 'me, myself & i' - and that validation can come from within. what a bunch of horseshit, just like vegan organic food, and juicing, and mindfulness and all that 'always be positive and smile and love life' bullshit. okay correction - if juicing and mindfulness actually works for you, then good on you, different strokes for different folks. but i highly believe that all this is just distraction for me - it feels entirely fake and just a way to trick myself into patting myself on my back. anyway, we all need validation, but just like food, having healthy, sustainable validation works a lot better in the long run rather than the junk sort of validation. this steering towards healthy validation is of course very much a work in progress, but i suspect that most people would be able to relate to this, though they express it in different ways. though, many things in life still rely on trial and error at the end of the day - we can make conjectures about what works and what doesn't for us, but without really trying everything out, we wouldn't ever know. the big thing is - there are still many things we can learn from things that don't work out, many things we can learn from 'failures'.

lastly, and probably the hardest thing for me this year, is learning forgiveness. not just forgiving others, but forgiving myself. forgiving myself for sometimes having bad thoughts, for sometimes having bad days, for being very human.

however, i am still very much a snob, and that is something i don't think i ever want to change about myself. i'm one heck of a sassy motherfucker, and that is something i very much would like to keep about myself.

Monday, October 31, 2016

My coworker's boyfriend is so hot

Oh wow. So I went to a coworker's Halloween party recently (btw he's in my peer group so he's around my age) and I've met his boyfriend before, but this time his boyfriend was dressed in some gothic ballerina thing and had the tightest of tights, a tutu, and a leotard looking top. I could see all his muscles and even though he was cross-dressing (it was all black and he had some crazy stick-on skull tattoos and blood and shit) it was unbelievably hot. His chest is heaving and his arms are holllyyyy cow, so big and muscly - though I have better abs than him.

Usually I am not at all attracted to hairy guys, but this was one of the rare few times that I felt my spidey sense tingle looking at facial hair and chest hair. It was kind of like brazen and unkempt and I usually hate that but maybe it was Halloween and maybe it was just strange because he cross dresssed and stuff, but I spoke to him almost like...the whole night. Which is kinda bad of me, but I made sure I wasn't...hitting on him. Which obviously isn't cool. Bromos before hos. But my coworker and his boyfriend are really adorable though and I definitely had thoughts of initiating a threesome hahaha.

Don't get me wrong btw my firm is so huge I've never directly worked with my coworker nor will I ever really. So ain't that weird ;)

It was a really fun night. We got up to the roof and everyone started asking me to sing song after song and it was great drunken merry making.

Also, I am wicked ass proud of my gym progress now, my body is definitely more muscly now :) which makes me happy haha

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Trying to be optimistic feels like constant work

Oh boy. It's actually such hard work to try and be happy. Is there such a thing as a sad optimistic person, and a happy pessimistic person? Or does happiness equal optimism equal sunshine? No clue really.

Work is getting annoying...at least I've managed to stay on this job for more than a year now, which is the longest I've ever done. Can't believe I've had three jobs so far and this is my longest lol, but I already feel like quitting. Being a management consultant is actually pretty stressful; I thought I could cope with it but hmm...but when I compare myself to my investment banker friends I definitely feel a lot better about myself lol (though I guess they are easily paid 30-40% more than I am)

One good thing: I've been getting good results from going to the gym. I'm very pleased actually. It has been very very slow of course - but I definitely lift heavier now and look a little bit more buff. I do think I have a bit of a body dysmorphic syndrome - loads of people have told me that I have a nice enough body but I tend to still think I have a long way to go. 

And this is the thing that also bugs me - is my perpetual sense of harsh self-criticism a manifestation of my Asian culture of always seeking for ways to improve, but collaterally also always feeling like one is never good enough? I have a lot of these philosophical musings nowadays. 

I wonder is this what it is like to get older? I am starting to feel like time is slipping through my fingers which is crazy because I'm not even 30. But there is a certain sense of monotony and nihilism in just going to work and coming back to an empty apartment and spending most weekends by myself now...it's just pretty lonely.

I really do miss being in love and being in a relationship. I definitely felt like life was full of hope and meaning. Until it all came crashing down of course. And it is sad that it almost seems like I obtain the most amount of happiness through being in a relationship, when people would always tell me "no, be by yourself and it'll be the best thing ever for yourself. You'll have so much fun and you won't feel tied down and find validation from within."

But what if that works for some but not for all? What if I'm just not cut out for just being single all the time? I can't even make myself really go on any dates with men - firstly there is literally no one eye-catching around; all the men I find physically hot are straight. Secondly, the gay guys here in London are just all so stereotypical. There are the gaymers, the young waif catty twinks, the muscle-bound escorts (they always are escorts), the hairy, the leather daddies, and the most annoying ones to me - the old white dudes who assume I would spread my legs open like Nutella on a fucking sandwich because they are white and I am a young nubile Asian boy.

Lol in English slang, just sod off. No kidding these are 50-60 year old dudes, and I'm just like...if you're looking for a young twentysomething WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM LOOKING FOR ANYTHING THAT DIFFERENT? Sheesh...

Most of the Asian guys here however, actually primarily go for white guys, so I'm really just stuck with talking to rice queens. Seriously - why can't people be less racist about this kinda shit? I wouldn't limit myself to a race or exclude myself from dating someone of another race.

And I feel kinda shitty about something I did recently. I've been feeling sexually frustrated...and there's this dude who's just a friend but I know he has the hots for me, and so he came round to talk and we had a couple drinks. I got pretty drunk in the end and so I let him massage me and then he actually rimmed me and sucked me off. He tried to kiss me too but I refused because...it's really bad of me but he's really unfit and short and not handsome...so he didn't do anything for me but the fact that he worshipped my body and couldn't stop sucking my nipples and feeling my body everywhere turned me on so much. I just really wanted to feel desired.

The next day I started feeling quite shitty about myself. Because I clearly used him, although for him I know he enjoyed it a lot because it was his lucky day to get to do that to me. He told me my body is amazing and he would have sucked me all night if he didn't have to go back to his bf's place because they're not seeing each other for a month (yeah - so that turned me on even more because he was being such an asshole to put me over his bf - they are open btw).

And I also felt shit because I'm really afraid that I'm a narcissist, or worse a sociopath. Because I've had such encounters before where I have no qualms at all just using people for my own pleasure, and then discarding them after. These are what I call "pity fucks" and I've done this in NYC, HK, etc - usually with really unattractive (to me) guys who thirst the shit out of wanting to touch me. And I just love that thrill and also almost just dehumanising them, getting them to kneel and do whatever I want with them.

A while back too there was this short French guy, and okay he's actually really young like 23 and pretty cute but kinda feminine (and also is dating a Taiwanese guy - as mentioned, all rice queens) and he kept saying I was really cute over lunch near my workplace, and I just liked that so much I brought him to a stairwell near a bridge like 3 minutes walk from my workplace and I dropped my pants and got him to kneel and suck me off. And actually he has a really nice suckable 7.5" ish dick I believe, but I just wanted all the attention to be on me.

I don't know again if this is just me being way too harsh on myself, but it's been making me feel quite awful about myself. I hate it especially because some dude once called me a sociopath though I really think he was one instead. But I don't know...

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Is there something wrong with me?

I know I should stop thinking that way - that something is wrong with me, but I really do feel that way. I have crippling anxiety problems that keep me up at night quite frequently. Which is silly.

I am going to really follow these steps http://www.wsj.com/articles/steps-to-turn-off-the-nagging-self-doubt-in-your-head-1465838679?ftcamp=crm/email//nbe/FirstFTEurope/product&mod=trending_now_2

And start physically writing down my tears and fears. It makes sense. They must become more trivial and silly once confronted.

Anyway, it's been so many months now. Like. 8 I guess since I broke up with N. We are still in contact. Which probably makes sense why I can't seem to forget about him and move on. He wants to try again but I'm still really so unsure.

In fact to be honest, I feel like I have little faith in love now. I've noticed this about me - I am once again, like my pre-out days, entirely cynical about relationships and true love. I watched The Normal Heart. I cried a lot. It made me feel disgusting to be gay for some reason.

Men only love when it is convenient to them. Love as a concept isn't everlasting at all, even when properly nurtured and tended to over time. My friends are part of a restless generation that constantly thinks one can do better than the current partner after a while. In the past people broke up with each other because they hated each other; now it's because they don't love each other enough. Because love was just one ingredient in what made a successful relationship for our parents, but now it seems like it's the end all be all. But the shit thing about this is that we perceive love as the stuff we see in movies. And so no one has realistic standards. And so in the end people cheat, lie, betray.

It feels inevitable that after a while people take the people closest to them for granted.

I do not ever want to be taken for granted. I feel like I might be at the stage where I will just close myself off from love. I have lots of guys that want to meet me up through Grindr / Tinder etc (I think I have 1400 unread messages on Grindr) but I'm really not interested in any of them. I just want to admire men from afar really. It just feels much safer that way, to covet for the unattainable, and be coveted as an unattainable.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

in many ways

, being single is overrated. but everything happens for a reason, and i am finding a lot of strength in myself that i never knew existed. i guess we all think we know better until shit really hits the fan. life is very optimistic in our untested environments. but once unexpected change comes, it is crippling, isn't it.

but the very good news is, human beings are awfully good at adapting to new environments. even the ones that we don't like.

is it strange, that even after so many months, when the waters in my heart ebb and flow in calm tides skirting round the jagged rocks that were my bad memories - that somehow my heart still patiently thinks of him? in many ways i am very happy with how things are going now - but almost every single activity i catch myself still thinking 'how nice would it be if i could hold n's hand and do this activity with him.'

be still, my heart. these things take time to unfold for themselves. i am neither dismissing, nor encouraging fantasies of n being back in my life - but i do have to admit to myself that he is still very much present in some aspects of my life.

we text. we meet up. we hug. we fight. we don't have sex. we yell. we make up. we smile.

we are neither friends nor are we lovers nor are we strangers. two bodies together but not together. how very odd indeed.

in other words, i write so much less nowadays. that is sad. i always loved writing.

Friday, June 17, 2016

life is still pretty much fucking awesome

a little weird that after my title, i'm writing about GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but i finally sort of understand, like, my brain really. i've always had this worry that i'm 'abnormal' - that i'm this hyper self-aware self-critical guy with a constant sense of worry, that i have to be this fucking perfect person, because everyone around me is scrutinising me and judging me, which then leads me to form some sort of emotional detachment with my own feelings, flooding my brain with thoughts to rationalize away my pity and fear (yes - DCFC reference there),

and now i realise that i am not crazy - i merely am medically borderline crazy. lol. just kidding. but really - i've anxiety issues. wow. i read this: http://www.theladbible.com/articles/why-men-who-suffer-from-anxiety-need-to-be-taken-more-seriously-150616

and dude. it's spot on. what's worse is that i grew up GAY in a sociocultural environment that practically denies the existence of feelings (i mean - there is def. a stereotype that asian people are robots) and so no wonder my brain is a little fucked up!

but after seeing my therapist and stuff, she assured me that i'm fine. in fact, she said i'm really bright. which...well, i already knew that haha. but honestly, i wish i was more simple-minded. i read people's blogs, and i just look at people's eyes and the way they act and react and they're simpler. stupider, and simpler. life is easier that way.

but anyhow, i am, in a general sense, happy. man. i had a great day at work. this whole being a management consultant thing - i'm digging it. i am basically being paid to learn. learn like, soft skills really. organisation skills. ways to structure a situation and ways to solve a problem. it's great. it's like - actually such useful skills to have in life. i'm basically setting myself up to do great things in the future. and i'm happy for that.

second, my body. wow. i've become pretty lean. after my break-up and shit, i put my mind into being all like, fuck it, i'm going to make myself sexy, and he's gonna regret it, and after a while, i'll claim my new body for my own rather than for some vengeful blahblah.

it's not perfect yet, but i'm really proud of where it's at now:


and yes. i skip leg days. it's too tiring to train legs. though i want a nice butt. but anyhow i like myself lean and tiny. i do take way way more slutty shirtless selfies now too hahaha but it's fine. it's actually incredibly empowering to see changes in my body and be proud of it. 

third, i actually do get a lot of attention from guys. granted, none that i find attractive, but it's still nice. for example, this random guy messaged me on instagram after going on a like-rampage:


(also that comment about sociopath is because i told him i went on a 'date' and the guy called me a sociopath with little empathy for other human beings - which i assumed meant that he didn't want to see me again but he weirdly texted me after the meet-up that if i ever wanted to donate my salty cum to him, just let him know... lolwtf)

anyway what i've realised is - 1) unattractive guys do not have no taste as what i have always assumed - they still have standards, but just are less bitchy and more honest about their opinions. so i shouldn't just dismiss their compliments as empty words really 2) i still have not fooled around with anyone after breaking up with N other than that one time back home in february, but i'm okay about it. i'm always horny as fuck, and always on grindr and tinder checking out men, but at the end of the day, i'm super sensible (and well, cautious) about meeting up with men, so i don't in the end. 3) i do however, need to get better at trying not to want or need attention from men in my life. and properly live for myself, by myself. in fact, i quite like being untouchable / unattainable. 

fourth, i can't even begin to describe how much i really really love my new apartment. IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. albeit it's a studio and stuff, but there's a gym, a concierge, a sauna /steam room, a private cinema, etc. and like dude. it's my first time living alone. like properly alone man. and it's great. i'm becoming so independent. i am okay with doing things by myself. awesome possum. i am so thankful my parents are wealthy as shit and bought it for me so i don't have to pay 450£ of rent per week (that's about 2,600 USD of rent per month yikes...). another reason why i should be happy and not feel so guilty and shitty that 'oh my parents are super wealthy everything i have in life is fake i am a fraud i got here only because of them i have no talent of my own i should feel really apologetic about my parents' wealth and should live like a struggling starving young person just like everyone else' - it's extremely fucking hard to explain this to people but there is SO much pressure to 'be' poor as a young person. bc i feel constantly dismissed that i have 'rich people problems' and it's annoying...i am grateful and appreciative and that's enough - i shouldn't ever have to feel bad about my privileges. 

so yeah, i need to be more optimistic about things :):)

Sunday, May 8, 2016

You know what?

Life moves on. Wow. It's so tough letting go and realising how little control one has over one's life, and wait side note, how annoying it is to hear one use "one" multiple times in one's sentence - I kid, I love to say weird shit like that;

It's May. Holy fucking cow. Five months since everything spiralled out of control. A lot has changed but for the most parts, it feels rather similar. I am in a better place though, which is a good thing.

It's 3:30 am and tomorrow I am moving apartments once again. Except...N is helping me move this time. It's semi-complicated - which is something I have been trying to work with a therapist to disentangle but to be honest, I'm more Amy Schumer than Dianna Agron (go YouTube their names if you don't get that reference); all this positive shit is kind of lame and foolish really - the therapist told me that I should remember I am a human being not a human doing

LIKE OH COME ON

Basically I tried the whole woah this is a great time to develop myself as a person spiritually mentally etc-ally, and go to the gym and eat healthy and sleep well and walk up and down the stairs instead of taking the elevators and listen to happy music

Now I just chill fat on my bed jack off tons eat craptons of potato chips drink loads of coffee but I basically feel like the same dude my body isn't punishing me or whatever for all this.

Anyway. Real update another time. And just to make it clear. I am not together with N - we are definitely broken up.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016


So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain 
Light a cigarette and wish the world away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay 
So I hold two fingers up to yesterday 
Light a cigarette and smoke it all away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Life is just a constant mindfuck

I've decided no longer to play with his mind games. Even with all that that he has been telling me, he finally admitted to me that he got physical with the other boy when he went to Asia for a week about 3 weeks ago. What the fuck dude? All that bullshit about "yes there is no one else in my life I just want to be single now" and now he still says the same thing BUT admits that he has feelings for the other boy still but doesn't know where it'll lead because he just wants to focus on himself...? And then after that he calls me crying and saying he misses me and misses my mom and his mom and he's proud of how strong I've become...?

Bullfuckingshit.

I decided finally that I'm no longer taking bullshit in my life. And the first thing to do, was to get out of my godawful shit project in the wilderness of the UK that was slated to end in 2017. I cannot imagine spending 1 more year living in a shitty hotel in a shitty small town. I was crying my eyes out so much in the hotel room every night, feeling so alone without friends, so overwhelmed by my new team + role, so I finally caved. I spoke (or broke down rather) to my project partner who was the most understanding person ever - turns out he broke down completely in front of the senior partners 3 years ago, and took 3 months off for depression because of the stress of having kids, his marriage, and his stressful job. He told me not to beat myself up about how I feel - that personal issues are part of what makes me authentic, and that I shouldn't feel bad about opening up about it at work.

He advised me to go back to London and forget about the project completely, see a GP and tell the GP how I feel, and just hang out with friends. That's what I've been doing - I've been pulled off the project, saw a GP and got 10 days of sick leave for anxiety and depression, and have taken this week to just chill out with friends.

It has been GREAT so far. It has been about 10 days since I've absolutely had zero contact with N, including not giving into the itch of stalking his Instagram page. I've just been hanging out with friends, going to the gym, and enjoying London life - I finally can enjoy the perks of living in fucking Londontown now that I have moved out and actually live in zone 1 (in fucking Kensington because I'm a badass posh bitch) and now that I'm gonna be staffed on a London project too, which means I can hang out with people during weekdays. I also am getting my confidence back - living alone means I just walk around naked all the time, and this is a weird thing to say, but I am beginning to really enjoy how I look naked. I talk to myself a lot now - I come back home and look in the mirror and say "Hey buddy you're home! Feels good to be back ahhh" weird stuff like that. I don't know - it somehow helps me. I used to always have someone to talk to when I got home - now I talk to myself. It's a coping mechanism I guess.

Because of the breakup I've lost quite a bit of weight so I'm actually leaner than ever now, and so I'm trying to maintain this low-ish body fat % (I estimate I'm about 12%) plus bulk up by hitting the gym again. I'm going to try to really get into a good routine again - I used to go to the gym 2 times a week or less; this time I need to do at least 3, optimally 4 a week. However I think I really need to eat more - http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/07/17/a-skinny-guys-guide-to-building-muscle-and-bulking-up/

Although to be frank, I am TERRIFIED that I have always been hitting the gym wrong, and if I do this "bulking" thing of calorie-loading, I will just end up getting fat and looking at my dad, boy is it going to be difficult to lose that weight hah. But it really does seem that every article is pointing to diet being the biggest deciding factor of them all: http://www.mensfitness.com/styleandgrooming/grooming/workout-every-guy-skinny-guy

But it's still just so weird to force myself to eat so much. But I'm really determined that now that I am single, I might as well make 2016 the year where I transform my body.

I've also decided I'm not going to date anyone for a while now. I don't really have any interest in dating a guy now (other than yes! sadly - with the old version of N) and weirdly enough I started thinking a bit more about dating women...but no. That's just wrong and just weird haha. Because I am  99% sure that I like cock more than pussy. Although I have started to enjoy watching straight porn, but more because the guy's cock looks so much bigger when held in a lady's hand. But female pornstars just look so slutty to me...In general though I am really happy that at least I got my sex drive back - I wank like 3 times a day!

Sunday, February 28, 2016

i miss him so terribly much

what do i do? i miss him terribly, terribly much. i lay on my bed facing my right, and i imagine seeing his face there, his eyes closed, looking so peaceful, and i reaching over, pushing his hair back, kissing his forehead.

i honestly love him so much my heart does truly ache for him. i've tried so hard to be strong, to 'respect' myself and to say i won't take such bullshit from someone, but more and more now i feel more willing to forgive - if only he really does demonstrate that he is repentant and won't lie to me again. and it does seem that he is truly remorseful and really wants to make things right, but my friends are all telling me i need to be more rational and realise he will just do this again in the future. he told me over the last few months when his mind was so clouded he only focused on the bad memories of our relationship, but now he's remembering only the good times. i told him that i started only remembering the bad times, and didn't want to have anything to do with him again because the pain was unbearable. but now the pain has slightly subsided with time, and i am slowly remembering the good times again, even though i have tried to block him out from my life + photos + everything really.

alone in my studio apartment now, i remember fondly the times when he would be chopping vegetables up in the kitchen, and i would reach from behind and hug his tiny waist, rest my face against the hunched parts of his shoulder, and slowly just sway him a bit while kissing his back. i remember the nights we would hold each other's hands in bed, just talking in the dark about our plans for the next few days, and then finally sleeping by unlocking our hands but interlocking our legs. i remember how it would be cold out and i would reach for his hand to hold, and it would always be warm somehow. i would remember how gentle the sex was, how it felt like actual love-making. i would remember his silly bad handwriting, writing to me that i'm the love of his life on a card that said that my tooshie was awesome. i remember talking about how our children would be named darius, cyrus, and jasmine, but also have chinese names too.

but i also do remember the hurtful bad times. and then i am not so sure what to think anymore. i've given myself baby steps for now - i'm trying a week of no communication, and of not obsessively stalking his instagram page, or whatever. if i succeed, i might then try to do two weeks, and then maybe a month, and see how i feel by then. i've also been trying to reclaim my life as a single man, hanging with friends and going to see musicals and stuff - and yes it has been very fun, but at the back of my head i still do come back home to my tiny little studio flat and think to myself how nice it would be to be watching a movie right now with him.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind

So I completely agree with your comment Anonymous. I'm not sure at all why I myself place such a high importance on physical traits of my partner. I don't have a prefixed set of criteria, but they always would have to be very physically striking to get me interested. And like all things online, I do feel I've presented a slightly unbalanced view of the guys in my life - for example the mixed guy also did strike me as someone very loyal to friends, very hands-on and "build and create" kinda guy, very sharp and filial (I spent 15 minutes standing around while he helped his mom hang the laundry to dry) and did apologise to me when I called him out for dissing me and he said he was only teasing me and said he will not be mean anymore (Honestly though while I don't have a great body I am in many ways confident with how I look). I did tell my friends he is a bit of a douchebag, but I'm actually in some ways attracted to that sort of cockiness...As long as it isn't actually poisonous? I don't know really.

Anyway. I need to somehow. Stop obsessively stalking N and the other fucker's Instagram. The other fucker uploaded a pic of him and N together and that was the last fucking straw. N still keeps trying to contact me (he face timed me with a different phone number wtf!) and I've just turned a complete cold shoulder to him.

I'm really trying not to take this so personally but it's hard. I compare myself with the other fucker. And honestly. I win in every arena. Even in the arena of being a douchebag - I'm less of a douche than this guy is: he loves to flaunt his fucking family wealth all the time by taking pictures of himself sitting business or first class. I don't do shit like that.

My sister was saying I need to date a man now and no more boys. That's true - but I'm also a lot more attracted to youth. Like I've previously wondered if I'm a pedophile because some times I genuinely only like the 18-22 crowd (I know that's not a definition of being a pedo). I wonder if there are things I need to fix within my own head to find my way of happiness really.

Also, I am making very adamant plans to curb my drinking habit. I have succumbed finally that I have a drinking problem, and it is most likely genetic of some sorts and I go too out of hand when left unmonitored. Alcohol affects people differently, and it just affects me really fucking badly. Hence I am limiting myself to one drink per night out and please please K, follow this form now on okay.

There are constantly so many thoughts in my head and I can't sleep well at night. Sigh. Plus I forgot to bring my earplugs this time to client site. Gah. I need earplugs to sleep haha. I'm a super light sleeper.

Guys on Grindr wanna meet up when I'm here at client site (130 km from London) including one semi cute guy who texted me first but w t f...he's 21...he's 6 years younger...and also seems only interested in hooking up rather than talking and shit. To be honest I should delete Grindr and just use Tinder - I don't actually want to hook up with random men; I rather jerk off by myself.

Also I'm really excited because I'm trying to have more of a social life now that I'm living in central London plus single life. Friday night I'm watching an Alice in wonderland inspired play with a friend, Saturday night is another ex classmates birthday so I'd get to see all my buddies from grad school, and Sunday I may plan to meet up with G, the... Guy I cheated on N with who ended up having a threesome with us hah. I don't have any feelings for G for sure, but now that he's single and I'm single, I might make a move if he's interested because ugh he is so hot haha. Next weekend I'm going to a small intimate gig that Coldplay is playing at and I literally. Love Coldplay so much. I will never forget how I saw them with 65000 other people at Lollapalooza and I cried so much with happiness and the feeling of being alive.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Life back in London

I've been really confused by everything that has been happening again. Basically, I'm really trying to be resilient here - and view this whole thing not as a traumatic event, but as a...short-term challenge where I will definitely be able to come out of it fighting fit again, and possibly even stronger than before. He has sent me two emails so far, none of which I've replied to, the last one being an extremely annoying "Happy Valentine's Day":

"I hope you had a good break and landed back in London safely.

Wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's Day even though everything today is a rip off we did have good memories on this day.

Not sure you got my reply to the last email or not.

Anyway hopefully talk soon :)

Lots of love, 

N"

I lapse into stalking his Instagram, and it's annoying how he's posting pictures of how much fun he is having in Iceland now, obviously with the other boy in tow. He also posted a picture of a heart of roses display in my favorite hotel in London as a Valentine's thing on his Instagram - and when I went with him previously there was definitely not such a display, which means he must have went recently without me, and presumably with the other boy. It is frustrating that I am either reading too much into this, or that he is excruciatingly disrespectful. But I do need to try and let this go and not feel the compulsion to stalk him. Such textbook post-break-up weaknesses, I know.

I think essentially, I am not at all ready to have a healthy and constructive conversation with him as long as the other boy is intimately involved in the picture. N seems eager to talk to me - I am putting him at arm's length for now. I would like to say a three-month complete no-contact time-out, but realistically, that would be too difficult for me. I may just leave it open-ended and tell him "whenever I feel ready to engage with you again."

Other stuff - I've lost weight and I'm even leaner now which is nice because I've wanted to trim off a bit of my excess fat, however I've definitely lost muscle too. I'm actually quite a feeble looking dude...I'm 5'8" and only 130 lbs...Friends have been telling me that I need to convert my time and energy spent on unhealthy things like stalking N, to a positive hobby - and the only thing I can think of is to work on being the hottest version of myself. N is actually becoming less and less attractive now - I'm not sure if it's just me being biased, but honestly he's looking like shit now lol. 

I've also moved into my new flat - it was wtf insane to move flats by myself. I left all my belongings at a friend's place - this guy and his boyfriend, N actually met them first through...yes of course, Instagram too. What the fuck - it almost seems like Instagram has become the new thinly veiled Grindr dossier - where attention-seeking insecure whores can come together and masturbate each other's egos. Anyway, it was so weird hanging out with them because I realized how incredibly immature, validation-seeking, and horrendously spoilt the both of them are. They are from very, very wealthy backgrounds - they frequently fly first class on Etihad Airlines, wear Patek Philippe and Audemars Piguet watches (at least 25k USD and above), but they're only 23...The condescending tone that they spoke about everyone else in the world (calling them monkeys, animals, or whatnot) was appalling, and I immediately texed my mom saying she should be thankful that her kids turned out very much more connected to reality, relatively of course.

Anyway, I moved all my shit over to my new flat by myself since neither wanted to help me cos obviously it was Valentine's Day. I had to climb up four (or eight halves) flights of stairs with all my crap, so it was a really exhausting 20-trip up-and-down haul, and I was doing it all shirtless because I was sweating so much haha. My new flat is incredibly tiny for a studio, but it works fine. I like it small. Although I am paying well over 1,900 USD/month for the rent here...plus because I am situated outside of London Mondays to Thursdays, it isn't exactly cheap, but I can finally say that I live in a pretty posh part of London - Chelsea hahaha.

It was also very strange with the other mixed-race boy in my life. I actually met up with him 3 times over 5 days, and it was weird because each time I would feel that he's quite self-absorbed and uninterested in me, and in fact insulted me a few times like saying that my body is skinny-fat and not toned at all (wtf...his body isn't that amazing either) but then he would ask me to hang out, and fuck he would be so horny. The third time we met was a couple hours before I flew back to London. We were meant to go to the gym together, but in the end I went over to his place and he immediately went all hardcore on me, pushing me on the bed, stripping me, choking me, dry-humping me (I told him there is no way we are gonna have sex because his dick is honestly the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life - like it was almost not aesthetically pleasing because it was just so, so huge - and I am a very sensitive bottom really) and slapping my butt, and locking my arms behind my back - it was feral. 

But the strange thing was, I got soft quite a few times. Mostly because I was actually kind of afraid. I've also not really been in a stranger's house diving straight into sex for a while now - the last time I did that was in 2013! I've never really enjoyed aggressive sex - why do people seem to like it that way? It also seems that people think that just because I look really innocent, yet I'm perpetually horny with slightly kinky thoughts, that somehow makes me a dirty whore that wants to be rough-housed. With N everything was always so gentle, and sex really did feel like a mutual getting-to-know-each-other kind of thing. Granted I think this mixed-raced guy is cute, but he terrifies me...nevertheless, we do get along, and he's coming up to London anyway in July so we'll see each other again. He is also miles cuter than N's fling - my sister validated me on this haha. 

Finally, work is EXTREMELY strange now. I've been put on a new team about a few weeks ago, but didn't do anything yet since I was off on vacay for the last 2 weeks, and now apparently my manager is telling me that the other analyst on the project is rolling off by end March, and I have 6 weeks to learn everything possible from him...w t f? This involves hard-core scripting and programming skills like Python and CITRIX, and how the fuck am I gonna learn that from basically scratch, along with the other non-technical parts of his role? That dude took 1.5 years to grow into his position - this is entirely unfair and I'm gonna have to raise red flags about this. Essentially I'm just gonna put my goddamn foot down - I'm gonna be trying my best, but as I am def. not an expert in this field at all, the project stakeholders will have to take on the risk and accept that I may fail at critical parts of the project, and this is something they will naturally have to deal with. It's stupid, crazy, and short-sighted really. But whatever - from my viewpoint as a plankton in this food chain, I don't give a fuck if I do badly or not - honestly not passionate about this project and am just biding my time till it's over. 

Anyway, so life is still pretty much a bit strange for now. Hoping the rest of the year will be better. It was so great to be back home chilling with the family, eating great Asian food, tanning with the tropical sun, and just taking a time-out really. Also looked at my zodiac for the Monkey Year...things aren't looking great for me, but I did superstitiously tagged along with my mom to a Chinese Buddhist temple to pray for good luck lol. 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Current mood


After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff
Time is up, 'cause I've had enough

You were there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all
That you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in on a good thing
Before I'd realized your game

I heard you're going 'round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you're wanting to harm me
But that won't work anymore
No more, uh uh, it's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I know
Turn out to be unjust so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies
Disguise yourself through
Living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter
(I'm a fighter)
and i
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I remember
Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I remember

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thursday, February 11, 2016

N's Reply

Hi K,

I'm being totally frank about my feelings. I didn't want a full break and delete and stuff. I did kind of just want a pause button for a while and would have liked to set some optimistic terms but never got the chance to do that together considering everything that happened. 

I'm very open to actually sitting down together and talking and seeing what we can do because I don't think we just avoiding the inevitable. Because to me the inevitable is that we are really great together and so well suited for each other and have a lot of feelings for one another or at least I do for you. 

But considering all my issues and all my unresolved problems and the pain I caused you, I needed to take a step back and press pause and address those difficulties and problems to slowly overcome them in a healthy manner and learn and adapt. I don't want to just block them out and have them crawl their way back into our lives to cause future problems you know. 

I am not ready for a full blown relationship right now and I'm also not having fun or anything like that. Right now as I previously mentioned my focus is on myself to get better and become better and address problems and difficulties in a more healthy and positive method. That is what's best. But if you can, I would love to sit down and talk to you and set timelines ... If that's something you're still interested in. I have previously said that I do still see myself with you and having a family together.

It's about making sure we don't have the same problems as before and it's about us becoming a stronger couple (if you even still would consider us being one I mean). I think we slightly became better last January after addressing some issues but the problem was that we still had underlying problems and I wasn't able to face my past in some ways and I am doing that now. By fixing the root of the problem and by no longer having any secrets from you I'm taking a step forward and I think that's great for me and for us. 

I am actually fully honest and upfront with you about everything. Right now if I'm being frank; I just wanna hangout. I'm not ready to put a label on anything or deal with any extra pressure. But I think this wouldn't be an effective pause unless we do have some guidelines and timeframe. We never got a chance to set those because of how you decided to protect yourself and distance yourself and that's fine. I don't blame you at all. It was a self protective mechanism and totally justified. But I didn't know you would still like to work on it now. If you truly do, then I am thrilled to actually sit down together and see what we can do. 

This isn't about delaying an inevitable. But rather about realising the best possible healthy future :)


I miss you 🙈

Kind regards,

N

Moving Forward After A Sudden Breakup

So I've been trying to move forward but it has been honestly SO difficult. I tell N I want nothing to do with him, and then I cave and text him again. It's been happening like that for a while now - latest being a couple hours ago, because I know he's in Iceland now with that new fucker.

I'm very very unclear as to how to define where we stand. I've been trying the whole 'work on myself' thing - and so far it's not been too shabby I suppose. I've taught myself to try to be more calm and less easily agitated, and I've been more agreeable with my parents so far - which I usually have always taken for granted. I've also once again started limiting myself to one drink per night out, and so far it has been okay too. 

But I'm tired of not being able to move on from this limbo phase. So instead of fixating on moving on, I've been trying to move forward. It's been great having these two weeks back home chillaxing with my family. 

But the best thing that has happened so far is that I went on a date with a guy I spoke to on Tinder 2 days ago. He's a mishmash of everything exotically Asian - Chinese, Indonesian, Thai, Ceylonese, etc. I was initially rather hesitant about meeting up with strangers so quickly - but it's really been a burst of much-needed fresh air. He was so shy when we met up at first, but instantly I felt an attraction. Omg. He is so cute hahaha. He has round Harry Potter-looking glasses and a really angular strong jawline, something that I've always admired in a man. Perfect teeth - nice veiny arms, We took it slow and just had a drink and spoke about random shit, but I started feeling a little bit of a deja vu when I first met N about 2-3 years ago, and it's clear that I have a "type" - tall, dark-skinned, skinny, model-esque (N used to be a runway model for Armani and Ted Baker, and tomorrow I'm following this kid around to his model agency to get his pay check), and a cocky attitude. Like what the fuck is up with these guys talking about their hot ex-boyfriends all the time on a first meet-up?? But this dude was 4 years older than N (same age as me - I'm 27 but honestly I look 22..) and I could instantly feel that he's a lot more on the same page as me, because he's a working adult and stuff. 

He also had an intriguing CV - he worked in a zoo?? And consulted on lighting fixtures for buildings - both external and internal. He had tiny little nerdgasms during our conversations just peering at buildings and describing their lighting to me - it was so niche and incredibly strange I felt very attracted to that hah. He's also really OCD (kind of like N actually...) - all the bills in his wallet were PERFECTLY folded, and he told me he only has three main colors in his wardrobe - white, grey, blue, and he buys a couple of the same shirt each time because he likes to keep to the same color scheme. This is a real breath of fresh air because although a lot of people would say my life has been very colorful so far, I've led a pretty typical overachiever track where I've gone to elite schools & universities, and bam became a management consultant. 

I started lightly flirting with him too, by caressing his neck and telling him 'hey, think you're getting the Asian flush dude.' We walked over to an out-of-tune piano left by a pavement and he played Tom Odell's Another Love, and A Great Big World's Say Something, and I sang along to it. Then we walked over to the park, sat on a swing together, our arms and thighs touching each other, and the sexual tension started heightening because for some reason I started talking about how much I get turned on by public sex, and man things went a bit crazy after that. He told me to stop talking about it because he was getting turned on and didn't want to do something that he'll regret. I was like, oohhh shiiittt. 

Then he walked me over to my car (by this time we hung out from 10pm-roughly 1am) and I told him that I can give him a ride home. He obliged, and in the car, I kind of started caressing his hand for a little bit, and we both said 'wow, the sexual tension here is just insane.' So I lightly brought my fingers down his thighs, and gave his groin area a little squeeze, and fuck he was rock hard. This unleashed the Kraken. Immediately he unbuttoned my shirt, took my belt off, and undid my fly and started jerking me off and kissing my nipples, my ears, my neck. Holy mother fucking god. I started driving at a fucking slow speed of like 40kmh on a highway and it got a bit out of hand. He then took his shirt off and dropped his pants and mother fuck. His dick is HUMONGOUS - like even bigger than N's! Whoever said that Asian guys have small dicks did not do their research...he was most definitely at least 7.5" long and thick like a beer can. I touched its head and holy shit so much precum.

We got to the parking lot at his flat and everything went crazy. We were making out, sucking each other off, spitting on each other's dicks (I felt a little insecure because I am WAAYY smaller than he is), gagging, flicking and biting each other's nipples (N never enjoyed me playing with his nipples but this dude, woah - he was so into it). It was so hot because he was enjoying it so much, and kept saying really kinky shit though which kind of scared me. "I want to fuck your brains out...because you look so fuckable" and he would slap my ass. He also pulled my hair really hard and I told him dude fuck stop that it hurts. He also said shit to me like "I some times really like rough sex...but looking at you all innocent on the outside but kinky in the inside, I'm sure you can handle it too." Wow. What a hot-blooded top. He also locked my hands behind my back and said this is how he usually fucks guys...

It was all a little bit too much though because it felt like he was a little bit screwed up, but thankfully when I resisted and said no I'm not doing any of that he didn't push me. He bit my lip too when we were making out and it was kinda hot. Then I jerked his big fat dick till he exploded all over himself and he was spasming like crazy it was so so hot. After that he got dressed, we kissed goodbye, and made plans to meet either tonight or tomorrow night again - in his words "a hot car session doesn't mean we can't properly get to know each other now." 

I went back home smiling so much, having that nice dose of self-confidence that I really need to believe in myself more, because I am able to meet up with really cute boys if I wanted to. I am a good-looking, young, fit, masculine, virile guy with actually a really smooth butt lol, but not only that - I am intelligent, well-mannered person who's really talented at singing, has a great supportive family and a genuine no-holds-barred personality, and I need to understand that these qualities need not be compared with the unrealistic best of the best in the world - or even with N, or with this new guy, because it's the sum of all these little parts that make me a great, great catch. 

In other words, I need to really, really, really try and understand that N may not necessarily be the best person for me anyway, and that I am far more capable than I give myself credit for, for meeting new people, who really may turn out to be better for me than N was. It's been more than a month now since my world crashed down, but I'm still far, far away from completely recovering from this. It's been helpful that I have met up with this new guy - who of course will be nothing more than just a friend since he doesn't live in London (and I will be for the next 2 years at least), but I've pined much less for N now that I text this guy a lot more. Yes - it's obvious it's an emotional crutch, maybe even a rebound, but for now I quite enjoy having a tiny crush on this enigmatic hot piece of meat, who yes - may only just be presenting the best most palatable version of himself to me for now since I'm only here for 3 more days (holy fuck, it's back to reality so quickly) - but it's a-ok. I do feel trepidation still about the future, but I think things are definitely looking brighter now.

And to be honest, while I do know that it's not right for me to jump straight into another relationship for now, I really enjoy the meeting new people going on first dates kind of thing. Maybe I am now actually ready to begin a mini-man-whore phase - and hey it helps. It helped the previous time with S. That was how I met N anyway. Back then I thought S was going to be the best person for me out there, but N came along and he became that person. Who knows - I may find a new N now. 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

This is a letter he wrote to me

Seems like all my exes love writing me letters.


"Dear K,

I’m not sure if you’re even going to read this specially considering the fact that

you have blocked me from everywhere.

I want to first and foremost say that I did go to Heathrow. In fact I spent half an

hour trying to call you and contacting you to find you. There was a problem with

the Piccadilly line train and it was stuck between two stations at Hounslow. I

couldn’t contact you at all and finally when the train did make it to Heathrow I

got out and saw your messages and tried to call you on Whatsapp, Line,

Facebook and I even tried to contact you on LinkedIn but you had blocked me

from every single form of communication and I couldn’t find you. I even sent the

screenshots to Y. I was meant to talk to her today but she was busy.


Secondly, I want to apologise for everything that’s happened and you’ve been

through perhaps because of my actions. I have never meant to hurt you or harm

you in any shape or form and I am guilty of being dishonest with you and not

treasuring you like I used to. This isn’t a message from me begging you to come

back to me or anything like that. This is just me writing everything down and

telling you what happened on Friday and how I feel.


You always say that you’re my reserve or second choice. That is not true at all. I

had not scheduled my rehearsals on Friday. You know that I don’t schedule them.

I was assigned Friday night for rehearsals and was informed about it just two

days before it. Secondly I did cancel that rehearsal because I even left my lecture

early to try and be at Heathrow to see you but I got stuck. Regarding me not

knowing your flight details it was because you had never told me the details or

emailed them to me and I wanted to show up and surprise you but didn’t know

how as I wasn’t sure if I should or shouldn’t contact your mom. So I contacted

you directly instead.


Regarding other matters, I’m actually unsure on where you want to go from here

but I can say I’m quite tired of drama. My life has been too intense and too

dramatic lately and I can’t really handle this back and forth attitude where one

day you unblock me and the next you block me again and tell me to never contact

you again. I know it’s really hard for you but it’s really hard for me too you know.


We spent a very long period of time together and have made beautiful memories

which I would have hoped we could cherish but it’s as though you want to make

them all sour because you’re angry at me and the recent events. I’m not saying

I’ve not made mistakes because we both know I have. But so have you. I am

guilty of not confronting my problems and always shutting them all and blocking

them out. That had been my coping mechanism for such a long time that it had

become the only way I could handle each and every single day.


Considering everything that happened and all the changes that keep happening, I

need to be true to myself and to you and say that I cannot be with you or anyone

right now for that matter and as I had told you, I’m going to be focusing on

myself. I need you to know that there is no one else in my life and regardless of

what happens between us, I aim to become an even better person than before

and I would hope you can go and seek some help too because you really need it.

Maybe afterwards we can find a way of communicating and discussing what’s

been happening and what the future holds.


I need to learn to love myself and truly accept everything that has happened to

me. I’m tired of going to bed every night remembering how I was raped and

molested so many times. I’m tired of feeling so insecure all the time. I had

blocked all these out for so long and I thought I was ok with everything but with

everything that happened recently these memories came back again as

nightmares and I don’t think you can ever understand how I’ve felt these past

few months. I’m not saying that you were not supportive but I’m just saying I

could not communicate it out loud with anyone.


You asked me to write down how I feel. I go to bed every night remembering

how I used to bleed every time after I was raped and I never spoke out loud

about. I think of that Instagram post you showed me and how it resonates with

me. I blocked all those issues out and I spent years doing everything for everyone

else and never saying no. Always sacrificing my own needs or happiness for

everyone else. Maybe that’s why in every relationship I always tried to help the

other person with their problems. Maybe that’s why I didn’t leave you and stayed

with you after your first drunken incident. Maybe subconsciously I saw you

needed help and decided that I need to help you.


I want you to know that I do not regret any of my previous decisions because I

wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today. You have always said that I’m too

childish or immature and I think that’s quite unfair. Having spoken about

everything out loud to a professional psychologist and to the GP actually, they

have reminded me that yes I may have immature qualities here and there

because I had to grow up so fast – but at the same time, I am an incredibly strong

person and maybe perhaps too independent. I have really tried to handle my life

with as much grace as I could have. I have never really been able to depend on

anyone and maybe that’s what stopped me from completely opening up to you. I

just want you to know that it wasn’t you but it was I. I couldn’t face my own

problems and that’s why I always said if you knew what my family is like or what

I’ve been through you wouldn’t understand or you wouldn’t want to be with me.


My dad had seen us in bed together a while ago. That very first time in your room

if you remember. You know what he told me last week? He said he was going to

kill you and kill me but to stop himself he ran out the house and just ran for two

hours. And this might sound like a crazy thing that no one would ever do but I

know my dad and I wouldn’t put it past him. When he loses his mind, he loses it.

He’s my father but he’s still the same man who threatened my mother’s life and

sent people to warn her several times. He’s still the same asshole who sent

someone to rape my mother. He can threaten my life whenever he wants and I

will handle it but I cannot ever have anyone threaten your life even if they don’t

mean it. You always question this but I need to remind you that I always consider

you in my long-term decisions and your well being is my number one concern all

the time. I need to find the right time to escape all this for good myself but for

now I cannot. Sometimes we can’t say exactly what has happened or what has

been said but sometimes the best way of protecting someone for the time being

is to hurt them and push them away and hope one day they can understand.


I may have been very unlucky with so many events in my life whether I look at

my injuries, or sexually being abused, or problems with my parents or even now

with overcoming my mental difficulties and psychological problems – but I was

so happy and so lucky to have met you and found you. You always said that I

made you a better man and I want to say, so did you. You helped me more than

anyone else in my entire life. And hearing you say that I have destroyed you for

life and to never contact you again was really hurtful. I truly loved you so fiercely

and I would have jumped in front of a car or a bullet for you – and in fact I

already did that time and time again in different scenarios. In the same way that I

know you fiercely loved me and would think of me time and time again and that

you would be there for me when I needed you.


I don’t know where we go from here now but I hope you have the courage to face

your problems again and overcome them. I hope I haven’t really destroyed you

because I can never forgive myself for that. And I want you to truly believe this

when I tell you that I do love you K and that I will always love you no matter

what.


Lastly, I don’t want you to think of all the sad stuff or bad stuff from me. So even

if you never speak to me again or never want to see me or give us a chance or be

friends or whatever really. I don’t want either of us to remember the bad times,

the lies or the drunken nights or any bad event for that matter. I want you to

remember three days in our whole life together. First time we met and the day I

took you to the [bar he was working at for the summer]'s 

Family Day and taking photos together and 

the bouncy castle and of course watching Anastasia at night. Second being the [] of

[] 2013 in Hong Kong when we went scuba diving and kayaking. I can

honestly say I had never felt so alive and so happy to say you were my life

partner. And third, the day I took you to the ballet at Royal Opera House and felt

like I was able to bring you to my dance world and show you why it heals me and

I care about it so much. I felt as though I was able to show you a part of my soul

that you weren’t truly able to grasp or understand. It was the turning moment in

my life where I became convinced you were the man I wanted to spend my life

with and have a family with. And maybe you don’t want to hear this but that

feeling still hasn’t changed for me and I will always miss you and love you!


Love,

N"


---------


I don't know how to feel about the above. It feels like he isn't being repentant, and not once did he mention the constant infidelity. He sounds awfully defensive. He's also making it seem like I had a big part to play in this. Yes I have gone through irrational and irritable mood swings where I block him out completely, and then unblock, and block again - Unfortunately, for the last few months he was fully aware that things were going badly (in his perspective about our relationship), however everything came crashing down for me when I spied and found out about it only a mere month ago. I had the wool pulled over my eyes - why does he vicitimize himself as such? I can stand by him for everything else in his life but the infidelity is not possible.

Also, this is the Instagram post mentioned:


"Boys Don't Cry" // Angel @angel_ortizp - "When I was six years old I had my innocence taken from me. I was raped, sexually abused if you will. My upbringing wasn't a normal one. When I was born I was addicted to heroin; my mother was an addict and also happened to have HIV. [I never contracted it.] I always thought I had been dealt a bad hand in life. My mother couldn't take care of me, so I bounced around around from foster home to foster home. One foster mother's son took advantage of me. I was six, he was fifteen. Everyday after school I would come home and he would penetrate me in our bedroom, on top of his bunk bed. He would tell me his penis was a toothbrush and force me to clean my mouth with it. I blocked all of this out of my memory until I was about 15 years old. I started having vivid flashbacks and lucid dreams about the tumultuous/dirty acts and began therapy for help. I don't tell this story for pity but for awareness. I was always angry at the world, or thought no one understood my pain. But I was wrong. Everyone gets through it. It wasn't until I stopped allowing myself to play the victim, that I finally began to heal. However, I developed a very bad habit because of this abuse. I became codependent. Which essentially means I put everyone's needs before my own. I helped everyone with their problems and tried to fix every relationship in my life. I told people I would never give up on them, and in effect gave up on myself. I put everyone's happiness above my own and always wondered why my needs were never met. I became possessive, controlling, afraid of conflict, and strived for perfection. [All textbook definitions of codependency.] But really I just wasn't dealing with myself. I was putting off my hopes and dreams and love for myself for someone else's happiness. I realize now that I must put myself first and love myself. I will never make anyone happy if I'm not happy with myself. So for those of you out there who can relate just know there is hope. It does get better. It starts with making positive choices, not falling into darkness, and making the decision that you're going to be better." #boysdontcryseries
A photo posted by Erik Carter (@erik_carter) on

Monday, February 1, 2016

How did things come to this?

Hi. To be honest, I don't quite know where to begin with this. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride, and I am trying my hardest to stick to my guns. I've moved out, am back home in Asia for two weeks, and have cut off all contact with N.

N denied everything at first - classic N, non-confrontational and in denial. I forwarded all pictures to my email, so I showed them to him. Things went crazy after that. I moved out for a few days, totally heartbroken, him crying so much knowing how much he hurt me, and then I came back because I had work and I didn't pack any formal attire. I snooped around again, and to my horror, I realize he has been speaking to another boy G, and he made an Excel spreadsheet detailing G's week in London and their weekend trip to Iceland after that - during the time that I will be back in Asia for Chinese New Year. In the spreadsheet he listed out restaurants that I told him that I loved and wanted to go back again, with him. I also separately found that he booked tickets to my home country - because guess what, my sister and her boyfriend both know G because yes he is from my fucking city - the week that I am back in London.

I confronted him super angrily about this - I was blinded by rage, I wanted to punch him, I wanted to hurt him - and then he told me that G might become the new me, that he has lost feelings for me, and that he wants to spend time with G instead.

I didn't know what to do.

The next few days were a blur. I cried a lot. I was still living in the same house with N and his homophobic dad - I had no one to turn to. I finally told my family what happened - and my mom booked a flight up to London immediately to help me move out and find a new place.

Still, I took a step back and tried to rationalize everything. He lost 10 kg over the last 3 months, and he is 1.88m at a weight of 60 kg now - terribly underweight; being in close proximity with him made me miss the signs. He has insomnia, zero sexual appetite (with me, but clearly with others - what the fuck, although he told me he was just forcing himself to be sexual...), feelings of worthlessness, suicidal tendencies...he had depression. I actually brought him to the GP to get him diagnosed, even after all this. He refused to believe he had mental health issues - "my dad thinks it's what useless weak women say to get out of working." He caved when the GP prescribed meds and told him to see a therapist.

He finally started being more honest with me. He said he has been overwhelmed with feelings of not being good enough for me...that he might have tried to self-destructively ruin things. There is however, no excuse for infidelity. He told me his dad has been threatening to kill his mom ever since she returned to the Middle East, and I don't know what kind of fucked up region that place is - but it is beyond grotesque really. She also has major depression, and he felt helpless that he couldn't protect her. Meanwhile, he was being rejected by all his job applications and constantly demeaned by his dad for being stupid and failing his first university degree (he actually did get expelled - although due to mostly medical reasons...) and I was being overly supportive and positive on weekends that it...grated him the wrong way...?

Finally what unfolded over the last few weeks was that his mom was suing his dad and they had to sell everything they co-owned, including the house N was living in right then...N was furious with his mom and his mom cried to him saying she has nothing left because his dad hired a man to rape her on the streets at night in Tehran. What the flying fuck. So N had to sell the house too...meanwhile, I was still fucking furious about how all this had to do with G, and I told him that I'd stand by him for everything except for being placed as a backup option/insurance policy shindig - fuck that shit!!! Nobody deserves that. He kept telling me "I don't know how I feel - everything is clouded. All I know is that I have feelings for G and I need to meet him in person to see what they mean, and if I feel nothing for him, I would be so convinced I would want to marry you." FUCK N ??? You're not being rational at all.

He caved under pressure cos I told him I was walking away, and he came out to his dad...

What

The

Fuck

His dad immediately banned him from having contact with me, forcing me to move out ASAP, and told N that there is no way he is gay (trust me - N is ACTUALLY very obviously effeminate) and wanted six months to convert him to be straight...his dad started calling his mom and telling her to fuck off or he will really kill her, and he started blaming himself because N was molested by his cousin (mom's side) when he was 6, and all these flooded memories back to N which he apparently blocked out

He told me from the ages of 6-9 he was repeatedly raped (in the buttocks) and molested in the warehouse by two of his dad's colleague's 15 year-old sons. He blocked it out completely and finally realized he was raped when he came to London at the age of 10 to study and realized it was not right what they were doing to him. I suspect this is where his habit of blocking out memories came from.

Regardless, I told him I can stand by him with everything, but why must there be a third party? He convinced me that the previous dick pics by the other guys meant nothing (it was just an escapism, a form of external validation - for example - he started thirsting for such attention ever since his instagram following erupted to 16,000 people) but this guy makes him happy for now...and he's very confused because he knows he shouldn't feel this way. I told him COMMITMENT in a real relationship, in a grown-up, mature one, means that you don't ACT on your desires, and that you really have an open and honest two-way dialogue with your partner, THROUGH THICK AND THIN, not just the good parts only...

He said he needed time...that he couldn't get back together with me for now no matter what not only because of his dad but also because he wants to be the best version of himself to never do this again to me...but everything was eating me up inside. I was swallowed by his depression too - I lost weight, couldn't sleep much, and had no sexual drive too and constant feelings of withdrawal symptom. I realized how dangerous it was that he was like a drug to me - the concept of "we" had engulfed the concept of "me" so much that now without a "we" I didn't know what to do.

While at the airport waiting to fly back to Asia, I cried so much because I had hoped he would have woken up to his senses and rushed down to see me off and say that he'll do anything for me. That didn't happen. So I cut him off completely.

Honestly - I had no idea our relationship would become this complicated. His life is just so, so war torn just like the fucking Middle East - the drama is relentless. But silly me right. I fiercely loved him so much, and it's so hard to let that go now. I'm not discounting the fact that we may cross paths in the future, but for now it is so excruciatingly painful to think that all my hopes, dreams, and futures with him - of having a family, of having half-Chinese half-Persian surrogate babies where he would be bad cop and I'd be good cop, where he and I would actually have the fairy tale ending everyone thought we were going to have (seriously - there was also a lot of pressure because friends really thought we were the model couple out there - how the house of cards have fallen) - they're all gone, for now.

Every little thing reminds me of him. We shared so many, so so many beautiful memories together - both interwoven in the incredibly momentous, and awfully mundane. I matured a lot and I thought he did too - but he regressed, and I didn't see it coming. None of his friends did too because he's so fiercely guarded.


I have spent quite a lot of time reminiscing the good old days reading our old chat histories - things were so innocent and pure back then. Innocence is really lost now - I just hope that I can soldier on, and that if he truly comes to his senses (I don't get how it's going to work out with G anyway - he is based in Asia, and he is honestly also less attractive, less fit, less funny - my sister's boyfriend said he is a pompous attention-seeking dick...PLUS he is not out to his parents...) he will really do his darndest to prove through actions that he has learned from this, and he will spend the next few years really making it up to me...After all, I really did help him seek treatment, something that really took every ounce of energy for me to do.