Sunday, February 28, 2016

i miss him so terribly much

what do i do? i miss him terribly, terribly much. i lay on my bed facing my right, and i imagine seeing his face there, his eyes closed, looking so peaceful, and i reaching over, pushing his hair back, kissing his forehead.

i honestly love him so much my heart does truly ache for him. i've tried so hard to be strong, to 'respect' myself and to say i won't take such bullshit from someone, but more and more now i feel more willing to forgive - if only he really does demonstrate that he is repentant and won't lie to me again. and it does seem that he is truly remorseful and really wants to make things right, but my friends are all telling me i need to be more rational and realise he will just do this again in the future. he told me over the last few months when his mind was so clouded he only focused on the bad memories of our relationship, but now he's remembering only the good times. i told him that i started only remembering the bad times, and didn't want to have anything to do with him again because the pain was unbearable. but now the pain has slightly subsided with time, and i am slowly remembering the good times again, even though i have tried to block him out from my life + photos + everything really.

alone in my studio apartment now, i remember fondly the times when he would be chopping vegetables up in the kitchen, and i would reach from behind and hug his tiny waist, rest my face against the hunched parts of his shoulder, and slowly just sway him a bit while kissing his back. i remember the nights we would hold each other's hands in bed, just talking in the dark about our plans for the next few days, and then finally sleeping by unlocking our hands but interlocking our legs. i remember how it would be cold out and i would reach for his hand to hold, and it would always be warm somehow. i would remember how gentle the sex was, how it felt like actual love-making. i would remember his silly bad handwriting, writing to me that i'm the love of his life on a card that said that my tooshie was awesome. i remember talking about how our children would be named darius, cyrus, and jasmine, but also have chinese names too.

but i also do remember the hurtful bad times. and then i am not so sure what to think anymore. i've given myself baby steps for now - i'm trying a week of no communication, and of not obsessively stalking his instagram page, or whatever. if i succeed, i might then try to do two weeks, and then maybe a month, and see how i feel by then. i've also been trying to reclaim my life as a single man, hanging with friends and going to see musicals and stuff - and yes it has been very fun, but at the back of my head i still do come back home to my tiny little studio flat and think to myself how nice it would be to be watching a movie right now with him.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind

So I completely agree with your comment Anonymous. I'm not sure at all why I myself place such a high importance on physical traits of my partner. I don't have a prefixed set of criteria, but they always would have to be very physically striking to get me interested. And like all things online, I do feel I've presented a slightly unbalanced view of the guys in my life - for example the mixed guy also did strike me as someone very loyal to friends, very hands-on and "build and create" kinda guy, very sharp and filial (I spent 15 minutes standing around while he helped his mom hang the laundry to dry) and did apologise to me when I called him out for dissing me and he said he was only teasing me and said he will not be mean anymore (Honestly though while I don't have a great body I am in many ways confident with how I look). I did tell my friends he is a bit of a douchebag, but I'm actually in some ways attracted to that sort of cockiness...As long as it isn't actually poisonous? I don't know really.

Anyway. I need to somehow. Stop obsessively stalking N and the other fucker's Instagram. The other fucker uploaded a pic of him and N together and that was the last fucking straw. N still keeps trying to contact me (he face timed me with a different phone number wtf!) and I've just turned a complete cold shoulder to him.

I'm really trying not to take this so personally but it's hard. I compare myself with the other fucker. And honestly. I win in every arena. Even in the arena of being a douchebag - I'm less of a douche than this guy is: he loves to flaunt his fucking family wealth all the time by taking pictures of himself sitting business or first class. I don't do shit like that.

My sister was saying I need to date a man now and no more boys. That's true - but I'm also a lot more attracted to youth. Like I've previously wondered if I'm a pedophile because some times I genuinely only like the 18-22 crowd (I know that's not a definition of being a pedo). I wonder if there are things I need to fix within my own head to find my way of happiness really.

Also, I am making very adamant plans to curb my drinking habit. I have succumbed finally that I have a drinking problem, and it is most likely genetic of some sorts and I go too out of hand when left unmonitored. Alcohol affects people differently, and it just affects me really fucking badly. Hence I am limiting myself to one drink per night out and please please K, follow this form now on okay.

There are constantly so many thoughts in my head and I can't sleep well at night. Sigh. Plus I forgot to bring my earplugs this time to client site. Gah. I need earplugs to sleep haha. I'm a super light sleeper.

Guys on Grindr wanna meet up when I'm here at client site (130 km from London) including one semi cute guy who texted me first but w t f...he's 21...he's 6 years younger...and also seems only interested in hooking up rather than talking and shit. To be honest I should delete Grindr and just use Tinder - I don't actually want to hook up with random men; I rather jerk off by myself.

Also I'm really excited because I'm trying to have more of a social life now that I'm living in central London plus single life. Friday night I'm watching an Alice in wonderland inspired play with a friend, Saturday night is another ex classmates birthday so I'd get to see all my buddies from grad school, and Sunday I may plan to meet up with G, the... Guy I cheated on N with who ended up having a threesome with us hah. I don't have any feelings for G for sure, but now that he's single and I'm single, I might make a move if he's interested because ugh he is so hot haha. Next weekend I'm going to a small intimate gig that Coldplay is playing at and I literally. Love Coldplay so much. I will never forget how I saw them with 65000 other people at Lollapalooza and I cried so much with happiness and the feeling of being alive.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Life back in London

I've been really confused by everything that has been happening again. Basically, I'm really trying to be resilient here - and view this whole thing not as a traumatic event, but as a...short-term challenge where I will definitely be able to come out of it fighting fit again, and possibly even stronger than before. He has sent me two emails so far, none of which I've replied to, the last one being an extremely annoying "Happy Valentine's Day":

"I hope you had a good break and landed back in London safely.

Wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's Day even though everything today is a rip off we did have good memories on this day.

Not sure you got my reply to the last email or not.

Anyway hopefully talk soon :)

Lots of love, 

N"

I lapse into stalking his Instagram, and it's annoying how he's posting pictures of how much fun he is having in Iceland now, obviously with the other boy in tow. He also posted a picture of a heart of roses display in my favorite hotel in London as a Valentine's thing on his Instagram - and when I went with him previously there was definitely not such a display, which means he must have went recently without me, and presumably with the other boy. It is frustrating that I am either reading too much into this, or that he is excruciatingly disrespectful. But I do need to try and let this go and not feel the compulsion to stalk him. Such textbook post-break-up weaknesses, I know.

I think essentially, I am not at all ready to have a healthy and constructive conversation with him as long as the other boy is intimately involved in the picture. N seems eager to talk to me - I am putting him at arm's length for now. I would like to say a three-month complete no-contact time-out, but realistically, that would be too difficult for me. I may just leave it open-ended and tell him "whenever I feel ready to engage with you again."

Other stuff - I've lost weight and I'm even leaner now which is nice because I've wanted to trim off a bit of my excess fat, however I've definitely lost muscle too. I'm actually quite a feeble looking dude...I'm 5'8" and only 130 lbs...Friends have been telling me that I need to convert my time and energy spent on unhealthy things like stalking N, to a positive hobby - and the only thing I can think of is to work on being the hottest version of myself. N is actually becoming less and less attractive now - I'm not sure if it's just me being biased, but honestly he's looking like shit now lol. 

I've also moved into my new flat - it was wtf insane to move flats by myself. I left all my belongings at a friend's place - this guy and his boyfriend, N actually met them first through...yes of course, Instagram too. What the fuck - it almost seems like Instagram has become the new thinly veiled Grindr dossier - where attention-seeking insecure whores can come together and masturbate each other's egos. Anyway, it was so weird hanging out with them because I realized how incredibly immature, validation-seeking, and horrendously spoilt the both of them are. They are from very, very wealthy backgrounds - they frequently fly first class on Etihad Airlines, wear Patek Philippe and Audemars Piguet watches (at least 25k USD and above), but they're only 23...The condescending tone that they spoke about everyone else in the world (calling them monkeys, animals, or whatnot) was appalling, and I immediately texed my mom saying she should be thankful that her kids turned out very much more connected to reality, relatively of course.

Anyway, I moved all my shit over to my new flat by myself since neither wanted to help me cos obviously it was Valentine's Day. I had to climb up four (or eight halves) flights of stairs with all my crap, so it was a really exhausting 20-trip up-and-down haul, and I was doing it all shirtless because I was sweating so much haha. My new flat is incredibly tiny for a studio, but it works fine. I like it small. Although I am paying well over 1,900 USD/month for the rent here...plus because I am situated outside of London Mondays to Thursdays, it isn't exactly cheap, but I can finally say that I live in a pretty posh part of London - Chelsea hahaha.

It was also very strange with the other mixed-race boy in my life. I actually met up with him 3 times over 5 days, and it was weird because each time I would feel that he's quite self-absorbed and uninterested in me, and in fact insulted me a few times like saying that my body is skinny-fat and not toned at all (wtf...his body isn't that amazing either) but then he would ask me to hang out, and fuck he would be so horny. The third time we met was a couple hours before I flew back to London. We were meant to go to the gym together, but in the end I went over to his place and he immediately went all hardcore on me, pushing me on the bed, stripping me, choking me, dry-humping me (I told him there is no way we are gonna have sex because his dick is honestly the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life - like it was almost not aesthetically pleasing because it was just so, so huge - and I am a very sensitive bottom really) and slapping my butt, and locking my arms behind my back - it was feral. 

But the strange thing was, I got soft quite a few times. Mostly because I was actually kind of afraid. I've also not really been in a stranger's house diving straight into sex for a while now - the last time I did that was in 2013! I've never really enjoyed aggressive sex - why do people seem to like it that way? It also seems that people think that just because I look really innocent, yet I'm perpetually horny with slightly kinky thoughts, that somehow makes me a dirty whore that wants to be rough-housed. With N everything was always so gentle, and sex really did feel like a mutual getting-to-know-each-other kind of thing. Granted I think this mixed-raced guy is cute, but he terrifies me...nevertheless, we do get along, and he's coming up to London anyway in July so we'll see each other again. He is also miles cuter than N's fling - my sister validated me on this haha. 

Finally, work is EXTREMELY strange now. I've been put on a new team about a few weeks ago, but didn't do anything yet since I was off on vacay for the last 2 weeks, and now apparently my manager is telling me that the other analyst on the project is rolling off by end March, and I have 6 weeks to learn everything possible from him...w t f? This involves hard-core scripting and programming skills like Python and CITRIX, and how the fuck am I gonna learn that from basically scratch, along with the other non-technical parts of his role? That dude took 1.5 years to grow into his position - this is entirely unfair and I'm gonna have to raise red flags about this. Essentially I'm just gonna put my goddamn foot down - I'm gonna be trying my best, but as I am def. not an expert in this field at all, the project stakeholders will have to take on the risk and accept that I may fail at critical parts of the project, and this is something they will naturally have to deal with. It's stupid, crazy, and short-sighted really. But whatever - from my viewpoint as a plankton in this food chain, I don't give a fuck if I do badly or not - honestly not passionate about this project and am just biding my time till it's over. 

Anyway, so life is still pretty much a bit strange for now. Hoping the rest of the year will be better. It was so great to be back home chilling with the family, eating great Asian food, tanning with the tropical sun, and just taking a time-out really. Also looked at my zodiac for the Monkey Year...things aren't looking great for me, but I did superstitiously tagged along with my mom to a Chinese Buddhist temple to pray for good luck lol. 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Current mood


After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff
Time is up, 'cause I've had enough

You were there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all
That you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in on a good thing
Before I'd realized your game

I heard you're going 'round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you're wanting to harm me
But that won't work anymore
No more, uh uh, it's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I know
Turn out to be unjust so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies
Disguise yourself through
Living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter
(I'm a fighter)
and i
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I remember
Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I remember

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thursday, February 11, 2016

N's Reply

Hi K,

I'm being totally frank about my feelings. I didn't want a full break and delete and stuff. I did kind of just want a pause button for a while and would have liked to set some optimistic terms but never got the chance to do that together considering everything that happened. 

I'm very open to actually sitting down together and talking and seeing what we can do because I don't think we just avoiding the inevitable. Because to me the inevitable is that we are really great together and so well suited for each other and have a lot of feelings for one another or at least I do for you. 

But considering all my issues and all my unresolved problems and the pain I caused you, I needed to take a step back and press pause and address those difficulties and problems to slowly overcome them in a healthy manner and learn and adapt. I don't want to just block them out and have them crawl their way back into our lives to cause future problems you know. 

I am not ready for a full blown relationship right now and I'm also not having fun or anything like that. Right now as I previously mentioned my focus is on myself to get better and become better and address problems and difficulties in a more healthy and positive method. That is what's best. But if you can, I would love to sit down and talk to you and set timelines ... If that's something you're still interested in. I have previously said that I do still see myself with you and having a family together.

It's about making sure we don't have the same problems as before and it's about us becoming a stronger couple (if you even still would consider us being one I mean). I think we slightly became better last January after addressing some issues but the problem was that we still had underlying problems and I wasn't able to face my past in some ways and I am doing that now. By fixing the root of the problem and by no longer having any secrets from you I'm taking a step forward and I think that's great for me and for us. 

I am actually fully honest and upfront with you about everything. Right now if I'm being frank; I just wanna hangout. I'm not ready to put a label on anything or deal with any extra pressure. But I think this wouldn't be an effective pause unless we do have some guidelines and timeframe. We never got a chance to set those because of how you decided to protect yourself and distance yourself and that's fine. I don't blame you at all. It was a self protective mechanism and totally justified. But I didn't know you would still like to work on it now. If you truly do, then I am thrilled to actually sit down together and see what we can do. 

This isn't about delaying an inevitable. But rather about realising the best possible healthy future :)


I miss you 🙈

Kind regards,

N

Moving Forward After A Sudden Breakup

So I've been trying to move forward but it has been honestly SO difficult. I tell N I want nothing to do with him, and then I cave and text him again. It's been happening like that for a while now - latest being a couple hours ago, because I know he's in Iceland now with that new fucker.

I'm very very unclear as to how to define where we stand. I've been trying the whole 'work on myself' thing - and so far it's not been too shabby I suppose. I've taught myself to try to be more calm and less easily agitated, and I've been more agreeable with my parents so far - which I usually have always taken for granted. I've also once again started limiting myself to one drink per night out, and so far it has been okay too. 

But I'm tired of not being able to move on from this limbo phase. So instead of fixating on moving on, I've been trying to move forward. It's been great having these two weeks back home chillaxing with my family. 

But the best thing that has happened so far is that I went on a date with a guy I spoke to on Tinder 2 days ago. He's a mishmash of everything exotically Asian - Chinese, Indonesian, Thai, Ceylonese, etc. I was initially rather hesitant about meeting up with strangers so quickly - but it's really been a burst of much-needed fresh air. He was so shy when we met up at first, but instantly I felt an attraction. Omg. He is so cute hahaha. He has round Harry Potter-looking glasses and a really angular strong jawline, something that I've always admired in a man. Perfect teeth - nice veiny arms, We took it slow and just had a drink and spoke about random shit, but I started feeling a little bit of a deja vu when I first met N about 2-3 years ago, and it's clear that I have a "type" - tall, dark-skinned, skinny, model-esque (N used to be a runway model for Armani and Ted Baker, and tomorrow I'm following this kid around to his model agency to get his pay check), and a cocky attitude. Like what the fuck is up with these guys talking about their hot ex-boyfriends all the time on a first meet-up?? But this dude was 4 years older than N (same age as me - I'm 27 but honestly I look 22..) and I could instantly feel that he's a lot more on the same page as me, because he's a working adult and stuff. 

He also had an intriguing CV - he worked in a zoo?? And consulted on lighting fixtures for buildings - both external and internal. He had tiny little nerdgasms during our conversations just peering at buildings and describing their lighting to me - it was so niche and incredibly strange I felt very attracted to that hah. He's also really OCD (kind of like N actually...) - all the bills in his wallet were PERFECTLY folded, and he told me he only has three main colors in his wardrobe - white, grey, blue, and he buys a couple of the same shirt each time because he likes to keep to the same color scheme. This is a real breath of fresh air because although a lot of people would say my life has been very colorful so far, I've led a pretty typical overachiever track where I've gone to elite schools & universities, and bam became a management consultant. 

I started lightly flirting with him too, by caressing his neck and telling him 'hey, think you're getting the Asian flush dude.' We walked over to an out-of-tune piano left by a pavement and he played Tom Odell's Another Love, and A Great Big World's Say Something, and I sang along to it. Then we walked over to the park, sat on a swing together, our arms and thighs touching each other, and the sexual tension started heightening because for some reason I started talking about how much I get turned on by public sex, and man things went a bit crazy after that. He told me to stop talking about it because he was getting turned on and didn't want to do something that he'll regret. I was like, oohhh shiiittt. 

Then he walked me over to my car (by this time we hung out from 10pm-roughly 1am) and I told him that I can give him a ride home. He obliged, and in the car, I kind of started caressing his hand for a little bit, and we both said 'wow, the sexual tension here is just insane.' So I lightly brought my fingers down his thighs, and gave his groin area a little squeeze, and fuck he was rock hard. This unleashed the Kraken. Immediately he unbuttoned my shirt, took my belt off, and undid my fly and started jerking me off and kissing my nipples, my ears, my neck. Holy mother fucking god. I started driving at a fucking slow speed of like 40kmh on a highway and it got a bit out of hand. He then took his shirt off and dropped his pants and mother fuck. His dick is HUMONGOUS - like even bigger than N's! Whoever said that Asian guys have small dicks did not do their research...he was most definitely at least 7.5" long and thick like a beer can. I touched its head and holy shit so much precum.

We got to the parking lot at his flat and everything went crazy. We were making out, sucking each other off, spitting on each other's dicks (I felt a little insecure because I am WAAYY smaller than he is), gagging, flicking and biting each other's nipples (N never enjoyed me playing with his nipples but this dude, woah - he was so into it). It was so hot because he was enjoying it so much, and kept saying really kinky shit though which kind of scared me. "I want to fuck your brains out...because you look so fuckable" and he would slap my ass. He also pulled my hair really hard and I told him dude fuck stop that it hurts. He also said shit to me like "I some times really like rough sex...but looking at you all innocent on the outside but kinky in the inside, I'm sure you can handle it too." Wow. What a hot-blooded top. He also locked my hands behind my back and said this is how he usually fucks guys...

It was all a little bit too much though because it felt like he was a little bit screwed up, but thankfully when I resisted and said no I'm not doing any of that he didn't push me. He bit my lip too when we were making out and it was kinda hot. Then I jerked his big fat dick till he exploded all over himself and he was spasming like crazy it was so so hot. After that he got dressed, we kissed goodbye, and made plans to meet either tonight or tomorrow night again - in his words "a hot car session doesn't mean we can't properly get to know each other now." 

I went back home smiling so much, having that nice dose of self-confidence that I really need to believe in myself more, because I am able to meet up with really cute boys if I wanted to. I am a good-looking, young, fit, masculine, virile guy with actually a really smooth butt lol, but not only that - I am intelligent, well-mannered person who's really talented at singing, has a great supportive family and a genuine no-holds-barred personality, and I need to understand that these qualities need not be compared with the unrealistic best of the best in the world - or even with N, or with this new guy, because it's the sum of all these little parts that make me a great, great catch. 

In other words, I need to really, really, really try and understand that N may not necessarily be the best person for me anyway, and that I am far more capable than I give myself credit for, for meeting new people, who really may turn out to be better for me than N was. It's been more than a month now since my world crashed down, but I'm still far, far away from completely recovering from this. It's been helpful that I have met up with this new guy - who of course will be nothing more than just a friend since he doesn't live in London (and I will be for the next 2 years at least), but I've pined much less for N now that I text this guy a lot more. Yes - it's obvious it's an emotional crutch, maybe even a rebound, but for now I quite enjoy having a tiny crush on this enigmatic hot piece of meat, who yes - may only just be presenting the best most palatable version of himself to me for now since I'm only here for 3 more days (holy fuck, it's back to reality so quickly) - but it's a-ok. I do feel trepidation still about the future, but I think things are definitely looking brighter now.

And to be honest, while I do know that it's not right for me to jump straight into another relationship for now, I really enjoy the meeting new people going on first dates kind of thing. Maybe I am now actually ready to begin a mini-man-whore phase - and hey it helps. It helped the previous time with S. That was how I met N anyway. Back then I thought S was going to be the best person for me out there, but N came along and he became that person. Who knows - I may find a new N now. 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

This is a letter he wrote to me

Seems like all my exes love writing me letters.


"Dear K,

I’m not sure if you’re even going to read this specially considering the fact that

you have blocked me from everywhere.

I want to first and foremost say that I did go to Heathrow. In fact I spent half an

hour trying to call you and contacting you to find you. There was a problem with

the Piccadilly line train and it was stuck between two stations at Hounslow. I

couldn’t contact you at all and finally when the train did make it to Heathrow I

got out and saw your messages and tried to call you on Whatsapp, Line,

Facebook and I even tried to contact you on LinkedIn but you had blocked me

from every single form of communication and I couldn’t find you. I even sent the

screenshots to Y. I was meant to talk to her today but she was busy.


Secondly, I want to apologise for everything that’s happened and you’ve been

through perhaps because of my actions. I have never meant to hurt you or harm

you in any shape or form and I am guilty of being dishonest with you and not

treasuring you like I used to. This isn’t a message from me begging you to come

back to me or anything like that. This is just me writing everything down and

telling you what happened on Friday and how I feel.


You always say that you’re my reserve or second choice. That is not true at all. I

had not scheduled my rehearsals on Friday. You know that I don’t schedule them.

I was assigned Friday night for rehearsals and was informed about it just two

days before it. Secondly I did cancel that rehearsal because I even left my lecture

early to try and be at Heathrow to see you but I got stuck. Regarding me not

knowing your flight details it was because you had never told me the details or

emailed them to me and I wanted to show up and surprise you but didn’t know

how as I wasn’t sure if I should or shouldn’t contact your mom. So I contacted

you directly instead.


Regarding other matters, I’m actually unsure on where you want to go from here

but I can say I’m quite tired of drama. My life has been too intense and too

dramatic lately and I can’t really handle this back and forth attitude where one

day you unblock me and the next you block me again and tell me to never contact

you again. I know it’s really hard for you but it’s really hard for me too you know.


We spent a very long period of time together and have made beautiful memories

which I would have hoped we could cherish but it’s as though you want to make

them all sour because you’re angry at me and the recent events. I’m not saying

I’ve not made mistakes because we both know I have. But so have you. I am

guilty of not confronting my problems and always shutting them all and blocking

them out. That had been my coping mechanism for such a long time that it had

become the only way I could handle each and every single day.


Considering everything that happened and all the changes that keep happening, I

need to be true to myself and to you and say that I cannot be with you or anyone

right now for that matter and as I had told you, I’m going to be focusing on

myself. I need you to know that there is no one else in my life and regardless of

what happens between us, I aim to become an even better person than before

and I would hope you can go and seek some help too because you really need it.

Maybe afterwards we can find a way of communicating and discussing what’s

been happening and what the future holds.


I need to learn to love myself and truly accept everything that has happened to

me. I’m tired of going to bed every night remembering how I was raped and

molested so many times. I’m tired of feeling so insecure all the time. I had

blocked all these out for so long and I thought I was ok with everything but with

everything that happened recently these memories came back again as

nightmares and I don’t think you can ever understand how I’ve felt these past

few months. I’m not saying that you were not supportive but I’m just saying I

could not communicate it out loud with anyone.


You asked me to write down how I feel. I go to bed every night remembering

how I used to bleed every time after I was raped and I never spoke out loud

about. I think of that Instagram post you showed me and how it resonates with

me. I blocked all those issues out and I spent years doing everything for everyone

else and never saying no. Always sacrificing my own needs or happiness for

everyone else. Maybe that’s why in every relationship I always tried to help the

other person with their problems. Maybe that’s why I didn’t leave you and stayed

with you after your first drunken incident. Maybe subconsciously I saw you

needed help and decided that I need to help you.


I want you to know that I do not regret any of my previous decisions because I

wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today. You have always said that I’m too

childish or immature and I think that’s quite unfair. Having spoken about

everything out loud to a professional psychologist and to the GP actually, they

have reminded me that yes I may have immature qualities here and there

because I had to grow up so fast – but at the same time, I am an incredibly strong

person and maybe perhaps too independent. I have really tried to handle my life

with as much grace as I could have. I have never really been able to depend on

anyone and maybe that’s what stopped me from completely opening up to you. I

just want you to know that it wasn’t you but it was I. I couldn’t face my own

problems and that’s why I always said if you knew what my family is like or what

I’ve been through you wouldn’t understand or you wouldn’t want to be with me.


My dad had seen us in bed together a while ago. That very first time in your room

if you remember. You know what he told me last week? He said he was going to

kill you and kill me but to stop himself he ran out the house and just ran for two

hours. And this might sound like a crazy thing that no one would ever do but I

know my dad and I wouldn’t put it past him. When he loses his mind, he loses it.

He’s my father but he’s still the same man who threatened my mother’s life and

sent people to warn her several times. He’s still the same asshole who sent

someone to rape my mother. He can threaten my life whenever he wants and I

will handle it but I cannot ever have anyone threaten your life even if they don’t

mean it. You always question this but I need to remind you that I always consider

you in my long-term decisions and your well being is my number one concern all

the time. I need to find the right time to escape all this for good myself but for

now I cannot. Sometimes we can’t say exactly what has happened or what has

been said but sometimes the best way of protecting someone for the time being

is to hurt them and push them away and hope one day they can understand.


I may have been very unlucky with so many events in my life whether I look at

my injuries, or sexually being abused, or problems with my parents or even now

with overcoming my mental difficulties and psychological problems – but I was

so happy and so lucky to have met you and found you. You always said that I

made you a better man and I want to say, so did you. You helped me more than

anyone else in my entire life. And hearing you say that I have destroyed you for

life and to never contact you again was really hurtful. I truly loved you so fiercely

and I would have jumped in front of a car or a bullet for you – and in fact I

already did that time and time again in different scenarios. In the same way that I

know you fiercely loved me and would think of me time and time again and that

you would be there for me when I needed you.


I don’t know where we go from here now but I hope you have the courage to face

your problems again and overcome them. I hope I haven’t really destroyed you

because I can never forgive myself for that. And I want you to truly believe this

when I tell you that I do love you K and that I will always love you no matter

what.


Lastly, I don’t want you to think of all the sad stuff or bad stuff from me. So even

if you never speak to me again or never want to see me or give us a chance or be

friends or whatever really. I don’t want either of us to remember the bad times,

the lies or the drunken nights or any bad event for that matter. I want you to

remember three days in our whole life together. First time we met and the day I

took you to the [bar he was working at for the summer]'s 

Family Day and taking photos together and 

the bouncy castle and of course watching Anastasia at night. Second being the [] of

[] 2013 in Hong Kong when we went scuba diving and kayaking. I can

honestly say I had never felt so alive and so happy to say you were my life

partner. And third, the day I took you to the ballet at Royal Opera House and felt

like I was able to bring you to my dance world and show you why it heals me and

I care about it so much. I felt as though I was able to show you a part of my soul

that you weren’t truly able to grasp or understand. It was the turning moment in

my life where I became convinced you were the man I wanted to spend my life

with and have a family with. And maybe you don’t want to hear this but that

feeling still hasn’t changed for me and I will always miss you and love you!


Love,

N"


---------


I don't know how to feel about the above. It feels like he isn't being repentant, and not once did he mention the constant infidelity. He sounds awfully defensive. He's also making it seem like I had a big part to play in this. Yes I have gone through irrational and irritable mood swings where I block him out completely, and then unblock, and block again - Unfortunately, for the last few months he was fully aware that things were going badly (in his perspective about our relationship), however everything came crashing down for me when I spied and found out about it only a mere month ago. I had the wool pulled over my eyes - why does he vicitimize himself as such? I can stand by him for everything else in his life but the infidelity is not possible.

Also, this is the Instagram post mentioned:


"Boys Don't Cry" // Angel @angel_ortizp - "When I was six years old I had my innocence taken from me. I was raped, sexually abused if you will. My upbringing wasn't a normal one. When I was born I was addicted to heroin; my mother was an addict and also happened to have HIV. [I never contracted it.] I always thought I had been dealt a bad hand in life. My mother couldn't take care of me, so I bounced around around from foster home to foster home. One foster mother's son took advantage of me. I was six, he was fifteen. Everyday after school I would come home and he would penetrate me in our bedroom, on top of his bunk bed. He would tell me his penis was a toothbrush and force me to clean my mouth with it. I blocked all of this out of my memory until I was about 15 years old. I started having vivid flashbacks and lucid dreams about the tumultuous/dirty acts and began therapy for help. I don't tell this story for pity but for awareness. I was always angry at the world, or thought no one understood my pain. But I was wrong. Everyone gets through it. It wasn't until I stopped allowing myself to play the victim, that I finally began to heal. However, I developed a very bad habit because of this abuse. I became codependent. Which essentially means I put everyone's needs before my own. I helped everyone with their problems and tried to fix every relationship in my life. I told people I would never give up on them, and in effect gave up on myself. I put everyone's happiness above my own and always wondered why my needs were never met. I became possessive, controlling, afraid of conflict, and strived for perfection. [All textbook definitions of codependency.] But really I just wasn't dealing with myself. I was putting off my hopes and dreams and love for myself for someone else's happiness. I realize now that I must put myself first and love myself. I will never make anyone happy if I'm not happy with myself. So for those of you out there who can relate just know there is hope. It does get better. It starts with making positive choices, not falling into darkness, and making the decision that you're going to be better." #boysdontcryseries
A photo posted by Erik Carter (@erik_carter) on

Monday, February 1, 2016

How did things come to this?

Hi. To be honest, I don't quite know where to begin with this. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride, and I am trying my hardest to stick to my guns. I've moved out, am back home in Asia for two weeks, and have cut off all contact with N.

N denied everything at first - classic N, non-confrontational and in denial. I forwarded all pictures to my email, so I showed them to him. Things went crazy after that. I moved out for a few days, totally heartbroken, him crying so much knowing how much he hurt me, and then I came back because I had work and I didn't pack any formal attire. I snooped around again, and to my horror, I realize he has been speaking to another boy G, and he made an Excel spreadsheet detailing G's week in London and their weekend trip to Iceland after that - during the time that I will be back in Asia for Chinese New Year. In the spreadsheet he listed out restaurants that I told him that I loved and wanted to go back again, with him. I also separately found that he booked tickets to my home country - because guess what, my sister and her boyfriend both know G because yes he is from my fucking city - the week that I am back in London.

I confronted him super angrily about this - I was blinded by rage, I wanted to punch him, I wanted to hurt him - and then he told me that G might become the new me, that he has lost feelings for me, and that he wants to spend time with G instead.

I didn't know what to do.

The next few days were a blur. I cried a lot. I was still living in the same house with N and his homophobic dad - I had no one to turn to. I finally told my family what happened - and my mom booked a flight up to London immediately to help me move out and find a new place.

Still, I took a step back and tried to rationalize everything. He lost 10 kg over the last 3 months, and he is 1.88m at a weight of 60 kg now - terribly underweight; being in close proximity with him made me miss the signs. He has insomnia, zero sexual appetite (with me, but clearly with others - what the fuck, although he told me he was just forcing himself to be sexual...), feelings of worthlessness, suicidal tendencies...he had depression. I actually brought him to the GP to get him diagnosed, even after all this. He refused to believe he had mental health issues - "my dad thinks it's what useless weak women say to get out of working." He caved when the GP prescribed meds and told him to see a therapist.

He finally started being more honest with me. He said he has been overwhelmed with feelings of not being good enough for me...that he might have tried to self-destructively ruin things. There is however, no excuse for infidelity. He told me his dad has been threatening to kill his mom ever since she returned to the Middle East, and I don't know what kind of fucked up region that place is - but it is beyond grotesque really. She also has major depression, and he felt helpless that he couldn't protect her. Meanwhile, he was being rejected by all his job applications and constantly demeaned by his dad for being stupid and failing his first university degree (he actually did get expelled - although due to mostly medical reasons...) and I was being overly supportive and positive on weekends that it...grated him the wrong way...?

Finally what unfolded over the last few weeks was that his mom was suing his dad and they had to sell everything they co-owned, including the house N was living in right then...N was furious with his mom and his mom cried to him saying she has nothing left because his dad hired a man to rape her on the streets at night in Tehran. What the flying fuck. So N had to sell the house too...meanwhile, I was still fucking furious about how all this had to do with G, and I told him that I'd stand by him for everything except for being placed as a backup option/insurance policy shindig - fuck that shit!!! Nobody deserves that. He kept telling me "I don't know how I feel - everything is clouded. All I know is that I have feelings for G and I need to meet him in person to see what they mean, and if I feel nothing for him, I would be so convinced I would want to marry you." FUCK N ??? You're not being rational at all.

He caved under pressure cos I told him I was walking away, and he came out to his dad...

What

The

Fuck

His dad immediately banned him from having contact with me, forcing me to move out ASAP, and told N that there is no way he is gay (trust me - N is ACTUALLY very obviously effeminate) and wanted six months to convert him to be straight...his dad started calling his mom and telling her to fuck off or he will really kill her, and he started blaming himself because N was molested by his cousin (mom's side) when he was 6, and all these flooded memories back to N which he apparently blocked out

He told me from the ages of 6-9 he was repeatedly raped (in the buttocks) and molested in the warehouse by two of his dad's colleague's 15 year-old sons. He blocked it out completely and finally realized he was raped when he came to London at the age of 10 to study and realized it was not right what they were doing to him. I suspect this is where his habit of blocking out memories came from.

Regardless, I told him I can stand by him with everything, but why must there be a third party? He convinced me that the previous dick pics by the other guys meant nothing (it was just an escapism, a form of external validation - for example - he started thirsting for such attention ever since his instagram following erupted to 16,000 people) but this guy makes him happy for now...and he's very confused because he knows he shouldn't feel this way. I told him COMMITMENT in a real relationship, in a grown-up, mature one, means that you don't ACT on your desires, and that you really have an open and honest two-way dialogue with your partner, THROUGH THICK AND THIN, not just the good parts only...

He said he needed time...that he couldn't get back together with me for now no matter what not only because of his dad but also because he wants to be the best version of himself to never do this again to me...but everything was eating me up inside. I was swallowed by his depression too - I lost weight, couldn't sleep much, and had no sexual drive too and constant feelings of withdrawal symptom. I realized how dangerous it was that he was like a drug to me - the concept of "we" had engulfed the concept of "me" so much that now without a "we" I didn't know what to do.

While at the airport waiting to fly back to Asia, I cried so much because I had hoped he would have woken up to his senses and rushed down to see me off and say that he'll do anything for me. That didn't happen. So I cut him off completely.

Honestly - I had no idea our relationship would become this complicated. His life is just so, so war torn just like the fucking Middle East - the drama is relentless. But silly me right. I fiercely loved him so much, and it's so hard to let that go now. I'm not discounting the fact that we may cross paths in the future, but for now it is so excruciatingly painful to think that all my hopes, dreams, and futures with him - of having a family, of having half-Chinese half-Persian surrogate babies where he would be bad cop and I'd be good cop, where he and I would actually have the fairy tale ending everyone thought we were going to have (seriously - there was also a lot of pressure because friends really thought we were the model couple out there - how the house of cards have fallen) - they're all gone, for now.

Every little thing reminds me of him. We shared so many, so so many beautiful memories together - both interwoven in the incredibly momentous, and awfully mundane. I matured a lot and I thought he did too - but he regressed, and I didn't see it coming. None of his friends did too because he's so fiercely guarded.


I have spent quite a lot of time reminiscing the good old days reading our old chat histories - things were so innocent and pure back then. Innocence is really lost now - I just hope that I can soldier on, and that if he truly comes to his senses (I don't get how it's going to work out with G anyway - he is based in Asia, and he is honestly also less attractive, less fit, less funny - my sister's boyfriend said he is a pompous attention-seeking dick...PLUS he is not out to his parents...) he will really do his darndest to prove through actions that he has learned from this, and he will spend the next few years really making it up to me...After all, I really did help him seek treatment, something that really took every ounce of energy for me to do.