Monday, February 1, 2016

How did things come to this?

Hi. To be honest, I don't quite know where to begin with this. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride, and I am trying my hardest to stick to my guns. I've moved out, am back home in Asia for two weeks, and have cut off all contact with N.

N denied everything at first - classic N, non-confrontational and in denial. I forwarded all pictures to my email, so I showed them to him. Things went crazy after that. I moved out for a few days, totally heartbroken, him crying so much knowing how much he hurt me, and then I came back because I had work and I didn't pack any formal attire. I snooped around again, and to my horror, I realize he has been speaking to another boy G, and he made an Excel spreadsheet detailing G's week in London and their weekend trip to Iceland after that - during the time that I will be back in Asia for Chinese New Year. In the spreadsheet he listed out restaurants that I told him that I loved and wanted to go back again, with him. I also separately found that he booked tickets to my home country - because guess what, my sister and her boyfriend both know G because yes he is from my fucking city - the week that I am back in London.

I confronted him super angrily about this - I was blinded by rage, I wanted to punch him, I wanted to hurt him - and then he told me that G might become the new me, that he has lost feelings for me, and that he wants to spend time with G instead.

I didn't know what to do.

The next few days were a blur. I cried a lot. I was still living in the same house with N and his homophobic dad - I had no one to turn to. I finally told my family what happened - and my mom booked a flight up to London immediately to help me move out and find a new place.

Still, I took a step back and tried to rationalize everything. He lost 10 kg over the last 3 months, and he is 1.88m at a weight of 60 kg now - terribly underweight; being in close proximity with him made me miss the signs. He has insomnia, zero sexual appetite (with me, but clearly with others - what the fuck, although he told me he was just forcing himself to be sexual...), feelings of worthlessness, suicidal tendencies...he had depression. I actually brought him to the GP to get him diagnosed, even after all this. He refused to believe he had mental health issues - "my dad thinks it's what useless weak women say to get out of working." He caved when the GP prescribed meds and told him to see a therapist.

He finally started being more honest with me. He said he has been overwhelmed with feelings of not being good enough for me...that he might have tried to self-destructively ruin things. There is however, no excuse for infidelity. He told me his dad has been threatening to kill his mom ever since she returned to the Middle East, and I don't know what kind of fucked up region that place is - but it is beyond grotesque really. She also has major depression, and he felt helpless that he couldn't protect her. Meanwhile, he was being rejected by all his job applications and constantly demeaned by his dad for being stupid and failing his first university degree (he actually did get expelled - although due to mostly medical reasons...) and I was being overly supportive and positive on weekends that it...grated him the wrong way...?

Finally what unfolded over the last few weeks was that his mom was suing his dad and they had to sell everything they co-owned, including the house N was living in right then...N was furious with his mom and his mom cried to him saying she has nothing left because his dad hired a man to rape her on the streets at night in Tehran. What the flying fuck. So N had to sell the house too...meanwhile, I was still fucking furious about how all this had to do with G, and I told him that I'd stand by him for everything except for being placed as a backup option/insurance policy shindig - fuck that shit!!! Nobody deserves that. He kept telling me "I don't know how I feel - everything is clouded. All I know is that I have feelings for G and I need to meet him in person to see what they mean, and if I feel nothing for him, I would be so convinced I would want to marry you." FUCK N ??? You're not being rational at all.

He caved under pressure cos I told him I was walking away, and he came out to his dad...




His dad immediately banned him from having contact with me, forcing me to move out ASAP, and told N that there is no way he is gay (trust me - N is ACTUALLY very obviously effeminate) and wanted six months to convert him to be straight...his dad started calling his mom and telling her to fuck off or he will really kill her, and he started blaming himself because N was molested by his cousin (mom's side) when he was 6, and all these flooded memories back to N which he apparently blocked out

He told me from the ages of 6-9 he was repeatedly raped (in the buttocks) and molested in the warehouse by two of his dad's colleague's 15 year-old sons. He blocked it out completely and finally realized he was raped when he came to London at the age of 10 to study and realized it was not right what they were doing to him. I suspect this is where his habit of blocking out memories came from.

Regardless, I told him I can stand by him with everything, but why must there be a third party? He convinced me that the previous dick pics by the other guys meant nothing (it was just an escapism, a form of external validation - for example - he started thirsting for such attention ever since his instagram following erupted to 16,000 people) but this guy makes him happy for now...and he's very confused because he knows he shouldn't feel this way. I told him COMMITMENT in a real relationship, in a grown-up, mature one, means that you don't ACT on your desires, and that you really have an open and honest two-way dialogue with your partner, THROUGH THICK AND THIN, not just the good parts only...

He said he needed time...that he couldn't get back together with me for now no matter what not only because of his dad but also because he wants to be the best version of himself to never do this again to me...but everything was eating me up inside. I was swallowed by his depression too - I lost weight, couldn't sleep much, and had no sexual drive too and constant feelings of withdrawal symptom. I realized how dangerous it was that he was like a drug to me - the concept of "we" had engulfed the concept of "me" so much that now without a "we" I didn't know what to do.

While at the airport waiting to fly back to Asia, I cried so much because I had hoped he would have woken up to his senses and rushed down to see me off and say that he'll do anything for me. That didn't happen. So I cut him off completely.

Honestly - I had no idea our relationship would become this complicated. His life is just so, so war torn just like the fucking Middle East - the drama is relentless. But silly me right. I fiercely loved him so much, and it's so hard to let that go now. I'm not discounting the fact that we may cross paths in the future, but for now it is so excruciatingly painful to think that all my hopes, dreams, and futures with him - of having a family, of having half-Chinese half-Persian surrogate babies where he would be bad cop and I'd be good cop, where he and I would actually have the fairy tale ending everyone thought we were going to have (seriously - there was also a lot of pressure because friends really thought we were the model couple out there - how the house of cards have fallen) - they're all gone, for now.

Every little thing reminds me of him. We shared so many, so so many beautiful memories together - both interwoven in the incredibly momentous, and awfully mundane. I matured a lot and I thought he did too - but he regressed, and I didn't see it coming. None of his friends did too because he's so fiercely guarded.

I have spent quite a lot of time reminiscing the good old days reading our old chat histories - things were so innocent and pure back then. Innocence is really lost now - I just hope that I can soldier on, and that if he truly comes to his senses (I don't get how it's going to work out with G anyway - he is based in Asia, and he is honestly also less attractive, less fit, less funny - my sister's boyfriend said he is a pompous attention-seeking dick...PLUS he is not out to his parents...) he will really do his darndest to prove through actions that he has learned from this, and he will spend the next few years really making it up to me...After all, I really did help him seek treatment, something that really took every ounce of energy for me to do.

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