So I completely agree with your comment Anonymous. I'm not sure at all why I myself place such a high importance on physical traits of my partner. I don't have a prefixed set of criteria, but they always would have to be very physically striking to get me interested. And like all things online, I do feel I've presented a slightly unbalanced view of the guys in my life - for example the mixed guy also did strike me as someone very loyal to friends, very hands-on and "build and create" kinda guy, very sharp and filial (I spent 15 minutes standing around while he helped his mom hang the laundry to dry) and did apologise to me when I called him out for dissing me and he said he was only teasing me and said he will not be mean anymore (Honestly though while I don't have a great body I am in many ways confident with how I look). I did tell my friends he is a bit of a douchebag, but I'm actually in some ways attracted to that sort of cockiness...As long as it isn't actually poisonous? I don't know really.
Anyway. I need to somehow. Stop obsessively stalking N and the other fucker's Instagram. The other fucker uploaded a pic of him and N together and that was the last fucking straw. N still keeps trying to contact me (he face timed me with a different phone number wtf!) and I've just turned a complete cold shoulder to him.
I'm really trying not to take this so personally but it's hard. I compare myself with the other fucker. And honestly. I win in every arena. Even in the arena of being a douchebag - I'm less of a douche than this guy is: he loves to flaunt his fucking family wealth all the time by taking pictures of himself sitting business or first class. I don't do shit like that.
My sister was saying I need to date a man now and no more boys. That's true - but I'm also a lot more attracted to youth. Like I've previously wondered if I'm a pedophile because some times I genuinely only like the 18-22 crowd (I know that's not a definition of being a pedo). I wonder if there are things I need to fix within my own head to find my way of happiness really.
Also, I am making very adamant plans to curb my drinking habit. I have succumbed finally that I have a drinking problem, and it is most likely genetic of some sorts and I go too out of hand when left unmonitored. Alcohol affects people differently, and it just affects me really fucking badly. Hence I am limiting myself to one drink per night out and please please K, follow this form now on okay.
There are constantly so many thoughts in my head and I can't sleep well at night. Sigh. Plus I forgot to bring my earplugs this time to client site. Gah. I need earplugs to sleep haha. I'm a super light sleeper.
Guys on Grindr wanna meet up when I'm here at client site (130 km from London) including one semi cute guy who texted me first but w t f...he's 21...he's 6 years younger...and also seems only interested in hooking up rather than talking and shit. To be honest I should delete Grindr and just use Tinder - I don't actually want to hook up with random men; I rather jerk off by myself.
Also I'm really excited because I'm trying to have more of a social life now that I'm living in central London plus single life. Friday night I'm watching an Alice in wonderland inspired play with a friend, Saturday night is another ex classmates birthday so I'd get to see all my buddies from grad school, and Sunday I may plan to meet up with G, the... Guy I cheated on N with who ended up having a threesome with us hah. I don't have any feelings for G for sure, but now that he's single and I'm single, I might make a move if he's interested because ugh he is so hot haha. Next weekend I'm going to a small intimate gig that Coldplay is playing at and I literally. Love Coldplay so much. I will never forget how I saw them with 65000 other people at Lollapalooza and I cried so much with happiness and the feeling of being alive.