Sunday, February 28, 2016

i miss him so terribly much

what do i do? i miss him terribly, terribly much. i lay on my bed facing my right, and i imagine seeing his face there, his eyes closed, looking so peaceful, and i reaching over, pushing his hair back, kissing his forehead.

i honestly love him so much my heart does truly ache for him. i've tried so hard to be strong, to 'respect' myself and to say i won't take such bullshit from someone, but more and more now i feel more willing to forgive - if only he really does demonstrate that he is repentant and won't lie to me again. and it does seem that he is truly remorseful and really wants to make things right, but my friends are all telling me i need to be more rational and realise he will just do this again in the future. he told me over the last few months when his mind was so clouded he only focused on the bad memories of our relationship, but now he's remembering only the good times. i told him that i started only remembering the bad times, and didn't want to have anything to do with him again because the pain was unbearable. but now the pain has slightly subsided with time, and i am slowly remembering the good times again, even though i have tried to block him out from my life + photos + everything really.

alone in my studio apartment now, i remember fondly the times when he would be chopping vegetables up in the kitchen, and i would reach from behind and hug his tiny waist, rest my face against the hunched parts of his shoulder, and slowly just sway him a bit while kissing his back. i remember the nights we would hold each other's hands in bed, just talking in the dark about our plans for the next few days, and then finally sleeping by unlocking our hands but interlocking our legs. i remember how it would be cold out and i would reach for his hand to hold, and it would always be warm somehow. i would remember how gentle the sex was, how it felt like actual love-making. i would remember his silly bad handwriting, writing to me that i'm the love of his life on a card that said that my tooshie was awesome. i remember talking about how our children would be named darius, cyrus, and jasmine, but also have chinese names too.

but i also do remember the hurtful bad times. and then i am not so sure what to think anymore. i've given myself baby steps for now - i'm trying a week of no communication, and of not obsessively stalking his instagram page, or whatever. if i succeed, i might then try to do two weeks, and then maybe a month, and see how i feel by then. i've also been trying to reclaim my life as a single man, hanging with friends and going to see musicals and stuff - and yes it has been very fun, but at the back of my head i still do come back home to my tiny little studio flat and think to myself how nice it would be to be watching a movie right now with him.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I definitely know what this feels like. I think what helps me the most is to remember the last time I had a break up. To remember how much I missed that person only to now laugh at how sad I was and question why I wanted them back so badly. It reminds me that someday I'll be in a place where I'm totally OK with it.

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  2. Sweet boy,you make me so sad and my heart is aching for you.It will be really difficult forget bad things and much more good ones.But,please,remember the choice N did,he chose another life without you,without your love and your kisses.I'm sure he feels sorry for leaving you,but I absolutely don't trust him, N is a born cheater.You are a beautiful person with an amazing and sensitive soul,you'll see that love will find you again.I believe in you. I send you all my love and friendship. Tiziana (I'm an Italian mum)

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