Monday, February 15, 2016

Life back in London

I've been really confused by everything that has been happening again. Basically, I'm really trying to be resilient here - and view this whole thing not as a traumatic event, but as a...short-term challenge where I will definitely be able to come out of it fighting fit again, and possibly even stronger than before. He has sent me two emails so far, none of which I've replied to, the last one being an extremely annoying "Happy Valentine's Day":

"I hope you had a good break and landed back in London safely.

Wanted to wish you a happy Valentine's Day even though everything today is a rip off we did have good memories on this day.

Not sure you got my reply to the last email or not.

Anyway hopefully talk soon :)

Lots of love, 

N"

I lapse into stalking his Instagram, and it's annoying how he's posting pictures of how much fun he is having in Iceland now, obviously with the other boy in tow. He also posted a picture of a heart of roses display in my favorite hotel in London as a Valentine's thing on his Instagram - and when I went with him previously there was definitely not such a display, which means he must have went recently without me, and presumably with the other boy. It is frustrating that I am either reading too much into this, or that he is excruciatingly disrespectful. But I do need to try and let this go and not feel the compulsion to stalk him. Such textbook post-break-up weaknesses, I know.

I think essentially, I am not at all ready to have a healthy and constructive conversation with him as long as the other boy is intimately involved in the picture. N seems eager to talk to me - I am putting him at arm's length for now. I would like to say a three-month complete no-contact time-out, but realistically, that would be too difficult for me. I may just leave it open-ended and tell him "whenever I feel ready to engage with you again."

Other stuff - I've lost weight and I'm even leaner now which is nice because I've wanted to trim off a bit of my excess fat, however I've definitely lost muscle too. I'm actually quite a feeble looking dude...I'm 5'8" and only 130 lbs...Friends have been telling me that I need to convert my time and energy spent on unhealthy things like stalking N, to a positive hobby - and the only thing I can think of is to work on being the hottest version of myself. N is actually becoming less and less attractive now - I'm not sure if it's just me being biased, but honestly he's looking like shit now lol. 

I've also moved into my new flat - it was wtf insane to move flats by myself. I left all my belongings at a friend's place - this guy and his boyfriend, N actually met them first through...yes of course, Instagram too. What the fuck - it almost seems like Instagram has become the new thinly veiled Grindr dossier - where attention-seeking insecure whores can come together and masturbate each other's egos. Anyway, it was so weird hanging out with them because I realized how incredibly immature, validation-seeking, and horrendously spoilt the both of them are. They are from very, very wealthy backgrounds - they frequently fly first class on Etihad Airlines, wear Patek Philippe and Audemars Piguet watches (at least 25k USD and above), but they're only 23...The condescending tone that they spoke about everyone else in the world (calling them monkeys, animals, or whatnot) was appalling, and I immediately texed my mom saying she should be thankful that her kids turned out very much more connected to reality, relatively of course.

Anyway, I moved all my shit over to my new flat by myself since neither wanted to help me cos obviously it was Valentine's Day. I had to climb up four (or eight halves) flights of stairs with all my crap, so it was a really exhausting 20-trip up-and-down haul, and I was doing it all shirtless because I was sweating so much haha. My new flat is incredibly tiny for a studio, but it works fine. I like it small. Although I am paying well over 1,900 USD/month for the rent here...plus because I am situated outside of London Mondays to Thursdays, it isn't exactly cheap, but I can finally say that I live in a pretty posh part of London - Chelsea hahaha.

It was also very strange with the other mixed-race boy in my life. I actually met up with him 3 times over 5 days, and it was weird because each time I would feel that he's quite self-absorbed and uninterested in me, and in fact insulted me a few times like saying that my body is skinny-fat and not toned at all (wtf...his body isn't that amazing either) but then he would ask me to hang out, and fuck he would be so horny. The third time we met was a couple hours before I flew back to London. We were meant to go to the gym together, but in the end I went over to his place and he immediately went all hardcore on me, pushing me on the bed, stripping me, choking me, dry-humping me (I told him there is no way we are gonna have sex because his dick is honestly the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life - like it was almost not aesthetically pleasing because it was just so, so huge - and I am a very sensitive bottom really) and slapping my butt, and locking my arms behind my back - it was feral. 

But the strange thing was, I got soft quite a few times. Mostly because I was actually kind of afraid. I've also not really been in a stranger's house diving straight into sex for a while now - the last time I did that was in 2013! I've never really enjoyed aggressive sex - why do people seem to like it that way? It also seems that people think that just because I look really innocent, yet I'm perpetually horny with slightly kinky thoughts, that somehow makes me a dirty whore that wants to be rough-housed. With N everything was always so gentle, and sex really did feel like a mutual getting-to-know-each-other kind of thing. Granted I think this mixed-raced guy is cute, but he terrifies me...nevertheless, we do get along, and he's coming up to London anyway in July so we'll see each other again. He is also miles cuter than N's fling - my sister validated me on this haha. 

Finally, work is EXTREMELY strange now. I've been put on a new team about a few weeks ago, but didn't do anything yet since I was off on vacay for the last 2 weeks, and now apparently my manager is telling me that the other analyst on the project is rolling off by end March, and I have 6 weeks to learn everything possible from him...w t f? This involves hard-core scripting and programming skills like Python and CITRIX, and how the fuck am I gonna learn that from basically scratch, along with the other non-technical parts of his role? That dude took 1.5 years to grow into his position - this is entirely unfair and I'm gonna have to raise red flags about this. Essentially I'm just gonna put my goddamn foot down - I'm gonna be trying my best, but as I am def. not an expert in this field at all, the project stakeholders will have to take on the risk and accept that I may fail at critical parts of the project, and this is something they will naturally have to deal with. It's stupid, crazy, and short-sighted really. But whatever - from my viewpoint as a plankton in this food chain, I don't give a fuck if I do badly or not - honestly not passionate about this project and am just biding my time till it's over. 

Anyway, so life is still pretty much a bit strange for now. Hoping the rest of the year will be better. It was so great to be back home chilling with the family, eating great Asian food, tanning with the tropical sun, and just taking a time-out really. Also looked at my zodiac for the Monkey Year...things aren't looking great for me, but I did superstitiously tagged along with my mom to a Chinese Buddhist temple to pray for good luck lol. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that about how crazy things are going in your life right now. Please don't take offense to what I'm about to say, I'm not trying to be mean or disrespectful, it's just something I've noticed since reading your blog. A lot of the guys you seem interested in seem very narcissistic and shallow. I don't think that you're shallow in going for guys who are attractive, I totally understand that being physically attractive to your partner is important. But, for example the guy you've been meeting up with. In no way, shape, or form, would I continue to talk to someone who felt like they could insult me and say something like "my body is skinny-fat and not toned at all" especially if we haven't known each other for very long. I don't even tolerate that shit from my family. I know that a lot of the cute/hot guys tend to be like that but they can't ALL be like that. Plus, beauty fades with age. All these guys clinging to it so badly will one day be the older men that most twinks ignore because they think they're better. What'll become of them once they're not the focus demographic? I'm not saying go find someone ugly, I'm not even saying go find someone, I just hope you can find someone (if you want to) that's has more to bring to the table than their attractiveness and isn't obsessed about looks in general. I really do like reading your blog, I've been following it for a few years now.

    P.S. If you want to learn the basics of Python, try using codeacademy: https://www.codecademy.com/learn/python

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