I'm very very unclear as to how to define where we stand. I've been trying the whole 'work on myself' thing - and so far it's not been too shabby I suppose. I've taught myself to try to be more calm and less easily agitated, and I've been more agreeable with my parents so far - which I usually have always taken for granted. I've also once again started limiting myself to one drink per night out, and so far it has been okay too.
But I'm tired of not being able to move on from this limbo phase. So instead of fixating on moving on, I've been trying to move forward. It's been great having these two weeks back home chillaxing with my family.
But the best thing that has happened so far is that I went on a date with a guy I spoke to on Tinder 2 days ago. He's a mishmash of everything exotically Asian - Chinese, Indonesian, Thai, Ceylonese, etc. I was initially rather hesitant about meeting up with strangers so quickly - but it's really been a burst of much-needed fresh air. He was so shy when we met up at first, but instantly I felt an attraction. Omg. He is so cute hahaha. He has round Harry Potter-looking glasses and a really angular strong jawline, something that I've always admired in a man. Perfect teeth - nice veiny arms, We took it slow and just had a drink and spoke about random shit, but I started feeling a little bit of a deja vu when I first met N about 2-3 years ago, and it's clear that I have a "type" - tall, dark-skinned, skinny, model-esque (N used to be a runway model for Armani and Ted Baker, and tomorrow I'm following this kid around to his model agency to get his pay check), and a cocky attitude. Like what the fuck is up with these guys talking about their hot ex-boyfriends all the time on a first meet-up?? But this dude was 4 years older than N (same age as me - I'm 27 but honestly I look 22..) and I could instantly feel that he's a lot more on the same page as me, because he's a working adult and stuff.
He also had an intriguing CV - he worked in a zoo?? And consulted on lighting fixtures for buildings - both external and internal. He had tiny little nerdgasms during our conversations just peering at buildings and describing their lighting to me - it was so niche and incredibly strange I felt very attracted to that hah. He's also really OCD (kind of like N actually...) - all the bills in his wallet were PERFECTLY folded, and he told me he only has three main colors in his wardrobe - white, grey, blue, and he buys a couple of the same shirt each time because he likes to keep to the same color scheme. This is a real breath of fresh air because although a lot of people would say my life has been very colorful so far, I've led a pretty typical overachiever track where I've gone to elite schools & universities, and bam became a management consultant.
I started lightly flirting with him too, by caressing his neck and telling him 'hey, think you're getting the Asian flush dude.' We walked over to an out-of-tune piano left by a pavement and he played Tom Odell's Another Love, and A Great Big World's Say Something, and I sang along to it. Then we walked over to the park, sat on a swing together, our arms and thighs touching each other, and the sexual tension started heightening because for some reason I started talking about how much I get turned on by public sex, and man things went a bit crazy after that. He told me to stop talking about it because he was getting turned on and didn't want to do something that he'll regret. I was like, oohhh shiiittt.
Then he walked me over to my car (by this time we hung out from 10pm-roughly 1am) and I told him that I can give him a ride home. He obliged, and in the car, I kind of started caressing his hand for a little bit, and we both said 'wow, the sexual tension here is just insane.' So I lightly brought my fingers down his thighs, and gave his groin area a little squeeze, and fuck he was rock hard. This unleashed the Kraken. Immediately he unbuttoned my shirt, took my belt off, and undid my fly and started jerking me off and kissing my nipples, my ears, my neck. Holy mother fucking god. I started driving at a fucking slow speed of like 40kmh on a highway and it got a bit out of hand. He then took his shirt off and dropped his pants and mother fuck. His dick is HUMONGOUS - like even bigger than N's! Whoever said that Asian guys have small dicks did not do their research...he was most definitely at least 7.5" long and thick like a beer can. I touched its head and holy shit so much precum.
We got to the parking lot at his flat and everything went crazy. We were making out, sucking each other off, spitting on each other's dicks (I felt a little insecure because I am WAAYY smaller than he is), gagging, flicking and biting each other's nipples (N never enjoyed me playing with his nipples but this dude, woah - he was so into it). It was so hot because he was enjoying it so much, and kept saying really kinky shit though which kind of scared me. "I want to fuck your brains out...because you look so fuckable" and he would slap my ass. He also pulled my hair really hard and I told him dude fuck stop that it hurts. He also said shit to me like "I some times really like rough sex...but looking at you all innocent on the outside but kinky in the inside, I'm sure you can handle it too." Wow. What a hot-blooded top. He also locked my hands behind my back and said this is how he usually fucks guys...
It was all a little bit too much though because it felt like he was a little bit screwed up, but thankfully when I resisted and said no I'm not doing any of that he didn't push me. He bit my lip too when we were making out and it was kinda hot. Then I jerked his big fat dick till he exploded all over himself and he was spasming like crazy it was so so hot. After that he got dressed, we kissed goodbye, and made plans to meet either tonight or tomorrow night again - in his words "a hot car session doesn't mean we can't properly get to know each other now."
I went back home smiling so much, having that nice dose of self-confidence that I really need to believe in myself more, because I am able to meet up with really cute boys if I wanted to. I am a good-looking, young, fit, masculine, virile guy with actually a really smooth butt lol, but not only that - I am intelligent, well-mannered person who's really talented at singing, has a great supportive family and a genuine no-holds-barred personality, and I need to understand that these qualities need not be compared with the unrealistic best of the best in the world - or even with N, or with this new guy, because it's the sum of all these little parts that make me a great, great catch.
In other words, I need to really, really, really try and understand that N may not necessarily be the best person for me anyway, and that I am far more capable than I give myself credit for, for meeting new people, who really may turn out to be better for me than N was. It's been more than a month now since my world crashed down, but I'm still far, far away from completely recovering from this. It's been helpful that I have met up with this new guy - who of course will be nothing more than just a friend since he doesn't live in London (and I will be for the next 2 years at least), but I've pined much less for N now that I text this guy a lot more. Yes - it's obvious it's an emotional crutch, maybe even a rebound, but for now I quite enjoy having a tiny crush on this enigmatic hot piece of meat, who yes - may only just be presenting the best most palatable version of himself to me for now since I'm only here for 3 more days (holy fuck, it's back to reality so quickly) - but it's a-ok. I do feel trepidation still about the future, but I think things are definitely looking brighter now.
And to be honest, while I do know that it's not right for me to jump straight into another relationship for now, I really enjoy the meeting new people going on first dates kind of thing. Maybe I am now actually ready to begin a mini-man-whore phase - and hey it helps. It helped the previous time with S. That was how I met N anyway. Back then I thought S was going to be the best person for me out there, but N came along and he became that person. Who knows - I may find a new N now.