Tuesday, February 2, 2016

This is a letter he wrote to me

Seems like all my exes love writing me letters.


"Dear K,

I’m not sure if you’re even going to read this specially considering the fact that

you have blocked me from everywhere.

I want to first and foremost say that I did go to Heathrow. In fact I spent half an

hour trying to call you and contacting you to find you. There was a problem with

the Piccadilly line train and it was stuck between two stations at Hounslow. I

couldn’t contact you at all and finally when the train did make it to Heathrow I

got out and saw your messages and tried to call you on Whatsapp, Line,

Facebook and I even tried to contact you on LinkedIn but you had blocked me

from every single form of communication and I couldn’t find you. I even sent the

screenshots to Y. I was meant to talk to her today but she was busy.


Secondly, I want to apologise for everything that’s happened and you’ve been

through perhaps because of my actions. I have never meant to hurt you or harm

you in any shape or form and I am guilty of being dishonest with you and not

treasuring you like I used to. This isn’t a message from me begging you to come

back to me or anything like that. This is just me writing everything down and

telling you what happened on Friday and how I feel.


You always say that you’re my reserve or second choice. That is not true at all. I

had not scheduled my rehearsals on Friday. You know that I don’t schedule them.

I was assigned Friday night for rehearsals and was informed about it just two

days before it. Secondly I did cancel that rehearsal because I even left my lecture

early to try and be at Heathrow to see you but I got stuck. Regarding me not

knowing your flight details it was because you had never told me the details or

emailed them to me and I wanted to show up and surprise you but didn’t know

how as I wasn’t sure if I should or shouldn’t contact your mom. So I contacted

you directly instead.


Regarding other matters, I’m actually unsure on where you want to go from here

but I can say I’m quite tired of drama. My life has been too intense and too

dramatic lately and I can’t really handle this back and forth attitude where one

day you unblock me and the next you block me again and tell me to never contact

you again. I know it’s really hard for you but it’s really hard for me too you know.


We spent a very long period of time together and have made beautiful memories

which I would have hoped we could cherish but it’s as though you want to make

them all sour because you’re angry at me and the recent events. I’m not saying

I’ve not made mistakes because we both know I have. But so have you. I am

guilty of not confronting my problems and always shutting them all and blocking

them out. That had been my coping mechanism for such a long time that it had

become the only way I could handle each and every single day.


Considering everything that happened and all the changes that keep happening, I

need to be true to myself and to you and say that I cannot be with you or anyone

right now for that matter and as I had told you, I’m going to be focusing on

myself. I need you to know that there is no one else in my life and regardless of

what happens between us, I aim to become an even better person than before

and I would hope you can go and seek some help too because you really need it.

Maybe afterwards we can find a way of communicating and discussing what’s

been happening and what the future holds.


I need to learn to love myself and truly accept everything that has happened to

me. I’m tired of going to bed every night remembering how I was raped and

molested so many times. I’m tired of feeling so insecure all the time. I had

blocked all these out for so long and I thought I was ok with everything but with

everything that happened recently these memories came back again as

nightmares and I don’t think you can ever understand how I’ve felt these past

few months. I’m not saying that you were not supportive but I’m just saying I

could not communicate it out loud with anyone.


You asked me to write down how I feel. I go to bed every night remembering

how I used to bleed every time after I was raped and I never spoke out loud

about. I think of that Instagram post you showed me and how it resonates with

me. I blocked all those issues out and I spent years doing everything for everyone

else and never saying no. Always sacrificing my own needs or happiness for

everyone else. Maybe that’s why in every relationship I always tried to help the

other person with their problems. Maybe that’s why I didn’t leave you and stayed

with you after your first drunken incident. Maybe subconsciously I saw you

needed help and decided that I need to help you.


I want you to know that I do not regret any of my previous decisions because I

wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today. You have always said that I’m too

childish or immature and I think that’s quite unfair. Having spoken about

everything out loud to a professional psychologist and to the GP actually, they

have reminded me that yes I may have immature qualities here and there

because I had to grow up so fast – but at the same time, I am an incredibly strong

person and maybe perhaps too independent. I have really tried to handle my life

with as much grace as I could have. I have never really been able to depend on

anyone and maybe that’s what stopped me from completely opening up to you. I

just want you to know that it wasn’t you but it was I. I couldn’t face my own

problems and that’s why I always said if you knew what my family is like or what

I’ve been through you wouldn’t understand or you wouldn’t want to be with me.


My dad had seen us in bed together a while ago. That very first time in your room

if you remember. You know what he told me last week? He said he was going to

kill you and kill me but to stop himself he ran out the house and just ran for two

hours. And this might sound like a crazy thing that no one would ever do but I

know my dad and I wouldn’t put it past him. When he loses his mind, he loses it.

He’s my father but he’s still the same man who threatened my mother’s life and

sent people to warn her several times. He’s still the same asshole who sent

someone to rape my mother. He can threaten my life whenever he wants and I

will handle it but I cannot ever have anyone threaten your life even if they don’t

mean it. You always question this but I need to remind you that I always consider

you in my long-term decisions and your well being is my number one concern all

the time. I need to find the right time to escape all this for good myself but for

now I cannot. Sometimes we can’t say exactly what has happened or what has

been said but sometimes the best way of protecting someone for the time being

is to hurt them and push them away and hope one day they can understand.


I may have been very unlucky with so many events in my life whether I look at

my injuries, or sexually being abused, or problems with my parents or even now

with overcoming my mental difficulties and psychological problems – but I was

so happy and so lucky to have met you and found you. You always said that I

made you a better man and I want to say, so did you. You helped me more than

anyone else in my entire life. And hearing you say that I have destroyed you for

life and to never contact you again was really hurtful. I truly loved you so fiercely

and I would have jumped in front of a car or a bullet for you – and in fact I

already did that time and time again in different scenarios. In the same way that I

know you fiercely loved me and would think of me time and time again and that

you would be there for me when I needed you.


I don’t know where we go from here now but I hope you have the courage to face

your problems again and overcome them. I hope I haven’t really destroyed you

because I can never forgive myself for that. And I want you to truly believe this

when I tell you that I do love you K and that I will always love you no matter

what.


Lastly, I don’t want you to think of all the sad stuff or bad stuff from me. So even

if you never speak to me again or never want to see me or give us a chance or be

friends or whatever really. I don’t want either of us to remember the bad times,

the lies or the drunken nights or any bad event for that matter. I want you to

remember three days in our whole life together. First time we met and the day I

took you to the [bar he was working at for the summer]'s 

Family Day and taking photos together and 

the bouncy castle and of course watching Anastasia at night. Second being the [] of

[] 2013 in Hong Kong when we went scuba diving and kayaking. I can

honestly say I had never felt so alive and so happy to say you were my life

partner. And third, the day I took you to the ballet at Royal Opera House and felt

like I was able to bring you to my dance world and show you why it heals me and

I care about it so much. I felt as though I was able to show you a part of my soul

that you weren’t truly able to grasp or understand. It was the turning moment in

my life where I became convinced you were the man I wanted to spend my life

with and have a family with. And maybe you don’t want to hear this but that

feeling still hasn’t changed for me and I will always miss you and love you!


Love,

N"


---------


I don't know how to feel about the above. It feels like he isn't being repentant, and not once did he mention the constant infidelity. He sounds awfully defensive. He's also making it seem like I had a big part to play in this. Yes I have gone through irrational and irritable mood swings where I block him out completely, and then unblock, and block again - Unfortunately, for the last few months he was fully aware that things were going badly (in his perspective about our relationship), however everything came crashing down for me when I spied and found out about it only a mere month ago. I had the wool pulled over my eyes - why does he vicitimize himself as such? I can stand by him for everything else in his life but the infidelity is not possible.

Also, this is the Instagram post mentioned:


"Boys Don't Cry" // Angel @angel_ortizp - "When I was six years old I had my innocence taken from me. I was raped, sexually abused if you will. My upbringing wasn't a normal one. When I was born I was addicted to heroin; my mother was an addict and also happened to have HIV. [I never contracted it.] I always thought I had been dealt a bad hand in life. My mother couldn't take care of me, so I bounced around around from foster home to foster home. One foster mother's son took advantage of me. I was six, he was fifteen. Everyday after school I would come home and he would penetrate me in our bedroom, on top of his bunk bed. He would tell me his penis was a toothbrush and force me to clean my mouth with it. I blocked all of this out of my memory until I was about 15 years old. I started having vivid flashbacks and lucid dreams about the tumultuous/dirty acts and began therapy for help. I don't tell this story for pity but for awareness. I was always angry at the world, or thought no one understood my pain. But I was wrong. Everyone gets through it. It wasn't until I stopped allowing myself to play the victim, that I finally began to heal. However, I developed a very bad habit because of this abuse. I became codependent. Which essentially means I put everyone's needs before my own. I helped everyone with their problems and tried to fix every relationship in my life. I told people I would never give up on them, and in effect gave up on myself. I put everyone's happiness above my own and always wondered why my needs were never met. I became possessive, controlling, afraid of conflict, and strived for perfection. [All textbook definitions of codependency.] But really I just wasn't dealing with myself. I was putting off my hopes and dreams and love for myself for someone else's happiness. I realize now that I must put myself first and love myself. I will never make anyone happy if I'm not happy with myself. So for those of you out there who can relate just know there is hope. It does get better. It starts with making positive choices, not falling into darkness, and making the decision that you're going to be better." #boysdontcryseries
A photo posted by Erik Carter (@erik_carter) on

2 comments:

  1. You've been through a lot. Not just the past few weeks, but since you met N. Big highs...and now big lows. To be honest, I don't see how either of you can fully process, understand and make peace with all that has happened unless you take a long break from each other. Time and emotional distance will clear your heads and give you perspective. Eventually you will KNOW what you want, what's right for you and what your future with each other should be.

    In that context, much of the letter seems irrelevant to me. Symptoms of larger - and perhaps fundamental - problems. When the hurt is so raw, it's easy to get pulled in. Yet that's not the path to healing or reconciliation. N can go focus on himself and you can do the same. If you're meant to be together, or to be friends, you will naturally find a way to make that happen, but only when the time is right...which is clearly not now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks TwoLives, you've always given solid advice. What are the larger and fundamental problems though that you mentioned?

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