Wednesday, March 16, 2016

So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain 
Light a cigarette and wish the world away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay 
So I hold two fingers up to yesterday 
Light a cigarette and smoke it all away 
I got out, I got out, I'm alive but I'm here to stay

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Life is just a constant mindfuck

I've decided no longer to play with his mind games. Even with all that that he has been telling me, he finally admitted to me that he got physical with the other boy when he went to Asia for a week about 3 weeks ago. What the fuck dude? All that bullshit about "yes there is no one else in my life I just want to be single now" and now he still says the same thing BUT admits that he has feelings for the other boy still but doesn't know where it'll lead because he just wants to focus on himself...? And then after that he calls me crying and saying he misses me and misses my mom and his mom and he's proud of how strong I've become...?


I decided finally that I'm no longer taking bullshit in my life. And the first thing to do, was to get out of my godawful shit project in the wilderness of the UK that was slated to end in 2017. I cannot imagine spending 1 more year living in a shitty hotel in a shitty small town. I was crying my eyes out so much in the hotel room every night, feeling so alone without friends, so overwhelmed by my new team + role, so I finally caved. I spoke (or broke down rather) to my project partner who was the most understanding person ever - turns out he broke down completely in front of the senior partners 3 years ago, and took 3 months off for depression because of the stress of having kids, his marriage, and his stressful job. He told me not to beat myself up about how I feel - that personal issues are part of what makes me authentic, and that I shouldn't feel bad about opening up about it at work.

He advised me to go back to London and forget about the project completely, see a GP and tell the GP how I feel, and just hang out with friends. That's what I've been doing - I've been pulled off the project, saw a GP and got 10 days of sick leave for anxiety and depression, and have taken this week to just chill out with friends.

It has been GREAT so far. It has been about 10 days since I've absolutely had zero contact with N, including not giving into the itch of stalking his Instagram page. I've just been hanging out with friends, going to the gym, and enjoying London life - I finally can enjoy the perks of living in fucking Londontown now that I have moved out and actually live in zone 1 (in fucking Kensington because I'm a badass posh bitch) and now that I'm gonna be staffed on a London project too, which means I can hang out with people during weekdays. I also am getting my confidence back - living alone means I just walk around naked all the time, and this is a weird thing to say, but I am beginning to really enjoy how I look naked. I talk to myself a lot now - I come back home and look in the mirror and say "Hey buddy you're home! Feels good to be back ahhh" weird stuff like that. I don't know - it somehow helps me. I used to always have someone to talk to when I got home - now I talk to myself. It's a coping mechanism I guess.

Because of the breakup I've lost quite a bit of weight so I'm actually leaner than ever now, and so I'm trying to maintain this low-ish body fat % (I estimate I'm about 12%) plus bulk up by hitting the gym again. I'm going to try to really get into a good routine again - I used to go to the gym 2 times a week or less; this time I need to do at least 3, optimally 4 a week. However I think I really need to eat more -

Although to be frank, I am TERRIFIED that I have always been hitting the gym wrong, and if I do this "bulking" thing of calorie-loading, I will just end up getting fat and looking at my dad, boy is it going to be difficult to lose that weight hah. But it really does seem that every article is pointing to diet being the biggest deciding factor of them all:

But it's still just so weird to force myself to eat so much. But I'm really determined that now that I am single, I might as well make 2016 the year where I transform my body.

I've also decided I'm not going to date anyone for a while now. I don't really have any interest in dating a guy now (other than yes! sadly - with the old version of N) and weirdly enough I started thinking a bit more about dating women...but no. That's just wrong and just weird haha. Because I am  99% sure that I like cock more than pussy. Although I have started to enjoy watching straight porn, but more because the guy's cock looks so much bigger when held in a lady's hand. But female pornstars just look so slutty to me...In general though I am really happy that at least I got my sex drive back - I wank like 3 times a day!