Friday, June 17, 2016

life is still pretty much fucking awesome

a little weird that after my title, i'm writing about GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but i finally sort of understand, like, my brain really. i've always had this worry that i'm 'abnormal' - that i'm this hyper self-aware self-critical guy with a constant sense of worry, that i have to be this fucking perfect person, because everyone around me is scrutinising me and judging me, which then leads me to form some sort of emotional detachment with my own feelings, flooding my brain with thoughts to rationalize away my pity and fear (yes - DCFC reference there),

and now i realise that i am not crazy - i merely am medically borderline crazy. lol. just kidding. but really - i've anxiety issues. wow. i read this: http://www.theladbible.com/articles/why-men-who-suffer-from-anxiety-need-to-be-taken-more-seriously-150616

and dude. it's spot on. what's worse is that i grew up GAY in a sociocultural environment that practically denies the existence of feelings (i mean - there is def. a stereotype that asian people are robots) and so no wonder my brain is a little fucked up!

but after seeing my therapist and stuff, she assured me that i'm fine. in fact, she said i'm really bright. which...well, i already knew that haha. but honestly, i wish i was more simple-minded. i read people's blogs, and i just look at people's eyes and the way they act and react and they're simpler. stupider, and simpler. life is easier that way.

but anyhow, i am, in a general sense, happy. man. i had a great day at work. this whole being a management consultant thing - i'm digging it. i am basically being paid to learn. learn like, soft skills really. organisation skills. ways to structure a situation and ways to solve a problem. it's great. it's like - actually such useful skills to have in life. i'm basically setting myself up to do great things in the future. and i'm happy for that.

second, my body. wow. i've become pretty lean. after my break-up and shit, i put my mind into being all like, fuck it, i'm going to make myself sexy, and he's gonna regret it, and after a while, i'll claim my new body for my own rather than for some vengeful blahblah.

it's not perfect yet, but i'm really proud of where it's at now:


and yes. i skip leg days. it's too tiring to train legs. though i want a nice butt. but anyhow i like myself lean and tiny. i do take way way more slutty shirtless selfies now too hahaha but it's fine. it's actually incredibly empowering to see changes in my body and be proud of it. 

third, i actually do get a lot of attention from guys. granted, none that i find attractive, but it's still nice. for example, this random guy messaged me on instagram after going on a like-rampage:


(also that comment about sociopath is because i told him i went on a 'date' and the guy called me a sociopath with little empathy for other human beings - which i assumed meant that he didn't want to see me again but he weirdly texted me after the meet-up that if i ever wanted to donate my salty cum to him, just let him know... lolwtf)

anyway what i've realised is - 1) unattractive guys do not have no taste as what i have always assumed - they still have standards, but just are less bitchy and more honest about their opinions. so i shouldn't just dismiss their compliments as empty words really 2) i still have not fooled around with anyone after breaking up with N other than that one time back home in february, but i'm okay about it. i'm always horny as fuck, and always on grindr and tinder checking out men, but at the end of the day, i'm super sensible (and well, cautious) about meeting up with men, so i don't in the end. 3) i do however, need to get better at trying not to want or need attention from men in my life. and properly live for myself, by myself. in fact, i quite like being untouchable / unattainable. 

fourth, i can't even begin to describe how much i really really love my new apartment. IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. albeit it's a studio and stuff, but there's a gym, a concierge, a sauna /steam room, a private cinema, etc. and like dude. it's my first time living alone. like properly alone man. and it's great. i'm becoming so independent. i am okay with doing things by myself. awesome possum. i am so thankful my parents are wealthy as shit and bought it for me so i don't have to pay 450£ of rent per week (that's about 2,600 USD of rent per month yikes...). another reason why i should be happy and not feel so guilty and shitty that 'oh my parents are super wealthy everything i have in life is fake i am a fraud i got here only because of them i have no talent of my own i should feel really apologetic about my parents' wealth and should live like a struggling starving young person just like everyone else' - it's extremely fucking hard to explain this to people but there is SO much pressure to 'be' poor as a young person. bc i feel constantly dismissed that i have 'rich people problems' and it's annoying...i am grateful and appreciative and that's enough - i shouldn't ever have to feel bad about my privileges. 

so yeah, i need to be more optimistic about things :):)

2 comments:

  1. First, I'm so happy that you're in a better place both literally and mentally. I think finding out about your anxiety can help in better understanding yourself.

    Second, there's no reason to feel ashamed of your parents wealth. They earned it, or someone in their family did. It's kind that their sharing it with you. You have no idea what I would give to have someone pay for a studio for me! Hahaha. I kind of understand what you mean as well. I'm not doing nearly as well as you are, but even at 24 years old, I'm doing financially better than a lot of my friends and it can get weird when they start talking about student loans, paying rent, bills, etc. and for the first time in my life these are things I don't have to stress out about because I have enough money to take care of my basic needs. The tables have definitely switched from when I was growing up and I was the one who was very aware of spending money (due to my family's lack of it) but many of my friends weren't. It's almost like it's cool to be broke when you're in your twenties. But all I want to do is shout out "but I'm not broke" hahah. Just remember to check your privilege, don't be shamed of it, but respect that others aren't as fortunate as you are. Also, it's called networking, you simply have a better network than others. You have to use whatever you have to your advantage.

    Third, I've been working out for 3 months now trying to gain mass and muscle and the only place that's getting bigger are my thighs and butt. My arms are like spaghetti :( what is your routine? I'm currently doing ICF: https://www.muscleandstrength.com/workouts/jason-blaha-ice-cream-fitness-5x5-novice-workout

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  2. Glad to see you are doing well. In every aspect of life, really.

    Also glad to see that your dedication to working out is paying off. Excellent results!

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