Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Is there something wrong with me?

I know I should stop thinking that way - that something is wrong with me, but I really do feel that way. I have crippling anxiety problems that keep me up at night quite frequently. Which is silly.

I am going to really follow these steps http://www.wsj.com/articles/steps-to-turn-off-the-nagging-self-doubt-in-your-head-1465838679?ftcamp=crm/email//nbe/FirstFTEurope/product&mod=trending_now_2

And start physically writing down my tears and fears. It makes sense. They must become more trivial and silly once confronted.

Anyway, it's been so many months now. Like. 8 I guess since I broke up with N. We are still in contact. Which probably makes sense why I can't seem to forget about him and move on. He wants to try again but I'm still really so unsure.

In fact to be honest, I feel like I have little faith in love now. I've noticed this about me - I am once again, like my pre-out days, entirely cynical about relationships and true love. I watched The Normal Heart. I cried a lot. It made me feel disgusting to be gay for some reason.

Men only love when it is convenient to them. Love as a concept isn't everlasting at all, even when properly nurtured and tended to over time. My friends are part of a restless generation that constantly thinks one can do better than the current partner after a while. In the past people broke up with each other because they hated each other; now it's because they don't love each other enough. Because love was just one ingredient in what made a successful relationship for our parents, but now it seems like it's the end all be all. But the shit thing about this is that we perceive love as the stuff we see in movies. And so no one has realistic standards. And so in the end people cheat, lie, betray.

It feels inevitable that after a while people take the people closest to them for granted.

I do not ever want to be taken for granted. I feel like I might be at the stage where I will just close myself off from love. I have lots of guys that want to meet me up through Grindr / Tinder etc (I think I have 1400 unread messages on Grindr) but I'm really not interested in any of them. I just want to admire men from afar really. It just feels much safer that way, to covet for the unattainable, and be coveted as an unattainable.

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