Sunday, September 18, 2016

Trying to be optimistic feels like constant work

Oh boy. It's actually such hard work to try and be happy. Is there such a thing as a sad optimistic person, and a happy pessimistic person? Or does happiness equal optimism equal sunshine? No clue really.

Work is getting annoying...at least I've managed to stay on this job for more than a year now, which is the longest I've ever done. Can't believe I've had three jobs so far and this is my longest lol, but I already feel like quitting. Being a management consultant is actually pretty stressful; I thought I could cope with it but hmm...but when I compare myself to my investment banker friends I definitely feel a lot better about myself lol (though I guess they are easily paid 30-40% more than I am)

One good thing: I've been getting good results from going to the gym. I'm very pleased actually. It has been very very slow of course - but I definitely lift heavier now and look a little bit more buff. I do think I have a bit of a body dysmorphic syndrome - loads of people have told me that I have a nice enough body but I tend to still think I have a long way to go. 

And this is the thing that also bugs me - is my perpetual sense of harsh self-criticism a manifestation of my Asian culture of always seeking for ways to improve, but collaterally also always feeling like one is never good enough? I have a lot of these philosophical musings nowadays. 

I wonder is this what it is like to get older? I am starting to feel like time is slipping through my fingers which is crazy because I'm not even 30. But there is a certain sense of monotony and nihilism in just going to work and coming back to an empty apartment and spending most weekends by myself now...it's just pretty lonely.

I really do miss being in love and being in a relationship. I definitely felt like life was full of hope and meaning. Until it all came crashing down of course. And it is sad that it almost seems like I obtain the most amount of happiness through being in a relationship, when people would always tell me "no, be by yourself and it'll be the best thing ever for yourself. You'll have so much fun and you won't feel tied down and find validation from within."

But what if that works for some but not for all? What if I'm just not cut out for just being single all the time? I can't even make myself really go on any dates with men - firstly there is literally no one eye-catching around; all the men I find physically hot are straight. Secondly, the gay guys here in London are just all so stereotypical. There are the gaymers, the young waif catty twinks, the muscle-bound escorts (they always are escorts), the hairy, the leather daddies, and the most annoying ones to me - the old white dudes who assume I would spread my legs open like Nutella on a fucking sandwich because they are white and I am a young nubile Asian boy.

Lol in English slang, just sod off. No kidding these are 50-60 year old dudes, and I'm just like...if you're looking for a young twentysomething WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM LOOKING FOR ANYTHING THAT DIFFERENT? Sheesh...

Most of the Asian guys here however, actually primarily go for white guys, so I'm really just stuck with talking to rice queens. Seriously - why can't people be less racist about this kinda shit? I wouldn't limit myself to a race or exclude myself from dating someone of another race.

And I feel kinda shitty about something I did recently. I've been feeling sexually frustrated...and there's this dude who's just a friend but I know he has the hots for me, and so he came round to talk and we had a couple drinks. I got pretty drunk in the end and so I let him massage me and then he actually rimmed me and sucked me off. He tried to kiss me too but I refused because...it's really bad of me but he's really unfit and short and not handsome...so he didn't do anything for me but the fact that he worshipped my body and couldn't stop sucking my nipples and feeling my body everywhere turned me on so much. I just really wanted to feel desired.

The next day I started feeling quite shitty about myself. Because I clearly used him, although for him I know he enjoyed it a lot because it was his lucky day to get to do that to me. He told me my body is amazing and he would have sucked me all night if he didn't have to go back to his bf's place because they're not seeing each other for a month (yeah - so that turned me on even more because he was being such an asshole to put me over his bf - they are open btw).

And I also felt shit because I'm really afraid that I'm a narcissist, or worse a sociopath. Because I've had such encounters before where I have no qualms at all just using people for my own pleasure, and then discarding them after. These are what I call "pity fucks" and I've done this in NYC, HK, etc - usually with really unattractive (to me) guys who thirst the shit out of wanting to touch me. And I just love that thrill and also almost just dehumanising them, getting them to kneel and do whatever I want with them.

A while back too there was this short French guy, and okay he's actually really young like 23 and pretty cute but kinda feminine (and also is dating a Taiwanese guy - as mentioned, all rice queens) and he kept saying I was really cute over lunch near my workplace, and I just liked that so much I brought him to a stairwell near a bridge like 3 minutes walk from my workplace and I dropped my pants and got him to kneel and suck me off. And actually he has a really nice suckable 7.5" ish dick I believe, but I just wanted all the attention to be on me.

I don't know again if this is just me being way too harsh on myself, but it's been making me feel quite awful about myself. I hate it especially because some dude once called me a sociopath though I really think he was one instead. But I don't know...

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