Tuesday, December 20, 2016

now i know nobody reads this anymore, but

it's good to just have an outlet still to just pen my thoughts down.

this year has been a tough one again. i think as i grow up, i realize more and more that it is hard to grow up - i don't think i'm alone that when we were kids we were constantly told that we could do anything in the world, that we have very bright futures, that things will come more easily for us than for others. but what i've learned is that academic competence, or at least competence in these bubbles during adolescence, rarely translates easily to competence in the real-world. not just in the sense of street-smartness vs. book-smartness. just an overall sense of, fuck dude, life is pretty tough.

but i'm still very fortunate that yes, good things do come more easily for me than for many others in the world, and i am appreciative of that. but these all entail many bumps in the road still. and i don't think the ride will ever not be a bumpy one. it's more about understanding when to slow the car down either before you reach the bump, or once you know that you're on a bump. it's all about realistic expectations, but, equally importantly, to know when we should just take a different road instead.

each year i learn more things about myself, and each year i unlearn more things about myself. fortunately, in the grand scheme of things, i do still try to be a better person each year, as cynical as i am. each year i cry a lot, but each year i also smile and laugh a lot.

my perspectives on corporate life have also changed a lot. i used to think that i would never ever be the type that feels passionately about a job, because i judged those that seemed to feel passionately about their jobs as corporate zombies. but then i realized there was a difference between the type of people who defined themselves by their career and was truly chained to them, and those that genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and were more than willing to put in the extra effort to do well in the workplace. then i got sucked in to the marketing glamor of thinking that my potential is 'limitless' and that i will 'change the world' and then got really fucking sad and cynical when the humdrum hit. but at the end of the year, i realized i've still learned so, so much, and i actually love what i do (not all of the time of course), and that i've taken a lot of things for granted. because i am always filled with lots of self-doubt, i have deliberated for a long time if this was a case of stockholm syndrome, but no it isn't. it does give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment knowing i've contributed to a team and stuff - it's actually pretty healthy validation, no?

and that was the thing i started out with at the beginning of the year - i rejected the idea of external validation. i wanted to staunchly believe, like i used to a long time ago, that i could do anything with just 'me, myself & i' - and that validation can come from within. what a bunch of horseshit, just like vegan organic food, and juicing, and mindfulness and all that 'always be positive and smile and love life' bullshit. okay correction - if juicing and mindfulness actually works for you, then good on you, different strokes for different folks. but i highly believe that all this is just distraction for me - it feels entirely fake and just a way to trick myself into patting myself on my back. anyway, we all need validation, but just like food, having healthy, sustainable validation works a lot better in the long run rather than the junk sort of validation. this steering towards healthy validation is of course very much a work in progress, but i suspect that most people would be able to relate to this, though they express it in different ways. though, many things in life still rely on trial and error at the end of the day - we can make conjectures about what works and what doesn't for us, but without really trying everything out, we wouldn't ever know. the big thing is - there are still many things we can learn from things that don't work out, many things we can learn from 'failures'.

lastly, and probably the hardest thing for me this year, is learning forgiveness. not just forgiving others, but forgiving myself. forgiving myself for sometimes having bad thoughts, for sometimes having bad days, for being very human.

however, i am still very much a snob, and that is something i don't think i ever want to change about myself. i'm one heck of a sassy motherfucker, and that is something i very much would like to keep about myself.