Monday, November 20, 2017

All my neurotic fears in one post

Some times I can't tell at all, whether I am very mentally fragile, or mentally resilient. I'm going to try and just write out all my fears, as an avenue to let it out rather than keep it in and feeling so suffocated...
  1. I'm really afraid I will be kicked off my upcoming client engagement at work, because I don't have the right to work in that country. It makes me feel very sad, and anxious. The application for a work permit is likely to bothersome for the engagement mgr. This means: I will lose out on what sounds like an extremely exciting and enriching long-term piece of work with a great, smart team, in a cool foreign city, and I will become very depressed because I wanted something and didn't get it.

  2. I am afraid that if I keep thinking that I am above average in competency at work, and end up not getting the validation for this i.e. getting an early promotion in 8 months, my emotional levels will plummet like crazy. I know - I worry about things 8 months in advance.

  3. I am afraid I will be forever alone. I know I am not unique here - but really, the people I find attractive are never really attracted to me. I know it just takes one person, but the probability of that seems so slim, and even if that one person shows up, there is zero certainty it'll last.

  4. I am annoyed with my body. I feel like I have put in a considerable amount of constant dedication in the gym, but progress is still at a snail's pace. My pecs, arms, everything - they're still not big enough. I am afraid I will never be satisfied with my physique.

  5. I am afraid I will take way too long to get over N, and it'll negatively affect my next relationship if I ever even get one. I am afraid of me pleading with him to get back with me, and give us yet another chance when he has blown it multiple times already. I am afraid I will for too long a time see his ghost in the tiny things I do or see in my daily life, like how he is taller than my bed and his feet always stuck out the bottom, or how we pronounced the word tired as 'tye-ruhd' as couple-speak.

  6. I am afraid that men only want to sleep with me...and nothing more. I dislike being objectified because I want people to know that there is so much more than me than my exterior and that I'm not just some typical 'cute' boy with zero brains or personality. Yet I am afraid of talking about this that much with friends because it comes across as such a stupid 'hot people problem'', but yet I am also terrified that my friends all secretly think I am unattractive as fuck and that I am so big-headed to think that I am vaguely attractive.

  7. I am afraid to top someone even though I really want to try...I get this sense that more bottoms are interested in me than tops (from all the hookup apps), and whenever they ask if I can top them, I end up not meeting them, because I am terribly afraid they will find out I am not at all experienced, or that they find that my phallic size is disappointing (someone once actually said it out loud to me 'oh you have a small d like me' - it really hurt). I am terrified of sexual performance anxiety; which is why bottoming is easier in some ways I guess. 

  8. I am afraid of getting old. I still look really really young - but my actual age is 28, and I am terrified that I become one of those men who turns 40 and is still skulking around on hookup apps. I am terrified of not finding someone in the next year really, because I would then be much older than initially expected of having a husband and having kids. I am terrified of only finding love when I am 50...

  9. I am afraid that T, the person I find attractive, is actually straight. Because it is so rare for me to find someone that I actually find attractive from first impression, and that I remain captivated after speaking to him. I met him at an event organised by people from my country. How funny - I never thought I'd be able to date someone from my country, but this guy is handsome, fit, tall, friendly, and is also a management consultant, so we totally get what we do for work. I have felt semi-gay vibes from him (mostly because he is pretty, and he doesn't seem to have a girlfriend after I stalked him on FB, and also because he agreed to meet up 1-on-1 for lunch on a Sunday, though this is also because we both live pretty close by), but I have a hunch that even if he is gay, he is most likely very closeted, and I am afraid that I am getting myself sucked back into the same shithole of dating someone from a very conservative background like N. I have let him know that I am gay, but he hasn't said anything...he is also terrible with replying texts and it's a bit of a N deja-vu here...I should be meeting up with him around Christmastime in London, and maybe I should be a bit more forward and ask him if he's seeing anybody? Or if he's into males or females? I don't know. Maybe I should just tell him I find him attractive? God he has such nice pecs...which leads me to my next point,

  10. I am afraid I will always only go for people who look physically attractive and forgive their emotional/mental shortcomings (i.e. keep dating people that are wrong for me and going through even more heartbreaks that splinter my heart more and more, even though so far it's been only S and N), while hypocritically getting pissed off with people who objectify me. I actually actively want to date someone not attractive, because statistically that person would be less of an asshole? Lol - that's my brain for you...

  11. I am afraid I will amount to nothing professionally. Quite a few of my friends have started up their own companies; others have gone on to do MBAs at Harv@rd, Whart0n, etc. For me? I am just a corporate dude. I hate how competitive I make everything out to be, even though I actually feel fulfilled with my current job, and really really love what I do, but at the back of my head I feel like a failure because I am not creating a new start-up to solve some crazy world problem. I tell myself to chase experiences, don't chase money (especially because I don't need it as my family is well-off), but then I feel so much pressure that I need to out-earn my parents, or out-earn my friends, when so many are earning 3x my pay already.

  12. I am afraid of going bald. Sigh. My hair is something I am extremely vain about. I am terrified of this happening, because I know I look ugly without hair (I had to shave my head for the army, so I know this).

  13. I am afraid of losing external validation, even though I know it is so unhealthy and toxic. E.g. IG...I got really sad that I went from having 1500+ followers to 1400+ over the course of a few days, that I deactivated my account because I hated the pressure of feeling that people were actively unfollowing me. Which once again is so hypocritical of me, because I've attacked N multiple times in the past for having an inflated sense of himself just because he's an insta-celebrity with 40+k followers.

  14. Essentially, I am afraid I am one gigantic shitty hypocrite, and that I will always be so neurotic and harsh on myself for the rest of my life, unable to give myself a break and practice self-acceptance. And that one day, I will truly burn out completely and actually go mentally insane. Or, cumulatively, all my stress and anxieties cause me to get early onset Alzheimer's. 


I've had an extremely eventful last two months. Many things happened - many positive things in fact. I've been doing insanely well at work, it is almost hard to believe it. I've had a very active social life. I also met a guy from a community event (non-gay) who has made my heart flutter, but I can't actually figure out if he's gay or not...without asking him point-blank which idk, to me, feels weird. I'll talk about that in another post. In fact I'll talk about everything in another post.

I know it's getting old, but I still miss the warm tenderness I felt when I was in a healthy loving relationship with N. I don't know why I can't seem to move on.

I spoke to him just this morning, after he texted me. I found out that he's actually still dating the guy that he got together with a month after we broke up. Wow. I told him I was surprised he moved on from me so fast. He said he don't think he ever will, but things are going well with him and his new boyfriend.

I feel a bit devoid of emotions right now. I told him we will meet up back in London and he needs to grant me the honesty that he took away from me, as I still have no idea what happened between us, with him. He said he will explain to me.

I will cut him off after that...also after January when he promised he will pay back the 5000£ I lent to him.

It actually helped to talk to him tbh. It brought him down to earth for me - I honestly romanticize him so so much. He is not at all as fantastic as I imagine him to be. But it is oddly hard to let go of that fantasy still.

This sounds terrible, but I really want to have a new boyfriend, to help me move on completely. I want someone to love me intimately, so I can fully love myself again. It is wholly selfish, but I am very confident that I will turn the initial selfishness into selflessness after.

I just need to be able to have someone restore the faith in love, and relationships for me again.

Hard part is meeting someone I find is honestly so so hard? I am turning 29. I feel really old. I wanted babies when I turn 32...that's not gonna be possible now...

Anyway, can people relate to the video below? I am so sure I have general anxiety disorder. I feel this way a lot - but I am a highly functioning anxious neurotic I think; I hide all my issues so so well. My exterior and interior are completely different, it feels quite alienating...

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Oh boy

So I am reading more of my entries way back in 2013, and damn. I cringed reading some of them. I was such a young immature brat. I probably still am I guess.

Every night before I sleep, I think about how my bed is empty. I think about the 'old' N - before he lost his way (multiple times). Then I try to shift focus to a more positive outlook; in 4 days' time I will be in Coloooommbia, and the week after that Viennna - both for work. These are very very welcomed distractions in my life.

Don't get me wrong - I don't spend my whole day moping about and pining after N. It's funny because it's all very very latent. It's like I go about my day and suddenly there's an 'oh yeah, N' thought, but I still go about my day pretty fine really. It's more at the end of the day, or when I get back to my apartment that I'm like, yeah, K, you could use some cuddles.

But in terms of things non-love and non-sex-related, I am in a very good place. It certainly feels very nice.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I miss...

I miss the warm blanket of safety that is love. Someone I could be completely vulnerable around with, someone I could be a small child in the inside.

Now I feel a little like a lone wolf, unprotected and naked out in the woods.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Ambivalent after fooling around with a friend

So this is pretty much the first time in my life that this has happened - I usually delineate my friends from sexual / romantic interests pretty clear-cut; the friendzone is very real for me hah. So last night has left me feeling a bit at odds with myself...

So I met G before I met N - some time in 2012 I believe. He's French, and I remember when I first saw him in 2012 (when I was in the closet), I thought he was very cute. We smoked weed a couple times together, and went bar-hopping a few times with a mutual female friend, but never did anything. After I came out to him a year later, by telling him about N, he told me that back then he wanted to ask me out because he found me attractive but thought I was really homophobic. Yes...I was one of those textbook 'homophobes' who are actually homo themselves, hah.

Anyway, he ended up dating an Asian guy, and we met up a couple times - the three of us, for food and stuff. G then moved to China or something, and then came back to London for a masters in maybe urban planning or something (I confess, I don't really listen much to people's lives if they aren't interesting bits of information)

Yeah so I haven't seen him in maybe a year, so we agreed to meet up at my place and drink wine and stuff. Yeah, honestly... when he suggested coming to my place, alarm bells did ring in my head thinking, oh is this gonna be a hook up? But I friendzoned him + he has a bf...

He came over, and the first thing I noticed was how much weight he has put on. He used to be a pretty lanky guy but now he is definitely in dadbod territory. And he's only 25...he definitely is still cute but he looks much older now even when clean-shaven - honestly this is also one of my biggest reservations about dating a Caucasian person because broadly speaking they age a lot faster than Asians and I kind of want to find someone who looks eternally youthful like me lol.

So he brought a bottle of wine, and we started drinking, and soon we drank 3 bottles of wine and had 2 pizzas. He smokes a lot (darn Frenchies), so whenever he went out to the balcony he would ask me along to just stand there and inhale second-hand smoke + keep him company, but London is cold as donkeyballs now, so I can't really remember how it happened but we were talking about our relationships -

; his bf is in Asia and they've been doing an open relationship for a while now but G feels like it's not working out so he wants a clean break-up. I told him about what happened between N and I (when I drink I start saying overly maudlin things like - I fear that I'll always be alone and won't be able to find a love that I shared with N like the 1st 2 years);

and he hugged me and told me not to be so sad, and then he started gently kissing my neck. I hugged him tight, and as I lent him my basketball shorts (N always teased me about my basketball shorts being that they are so ugly and a gay person would never wear them, lol) because we were in the pool beforehand and his briefs were wet, I could see that he had a raging erection sticking out from my shorts. I grabbed it and said 'haha oh my god are you turned on by this??'

And G was all shy and said 'of course' and I kept stroking his dick, which, dude, was huge. We went back in, and somehow started making out a lot - he's a good kisser, and we got naked. Soooo he is insanely hirsute which is normally not my thing, but I was pretty tipsy, and he was kissing me all over my body, and rimming me, and sucking me off, so it was very nice.

And I got a better look at his penis. Holy cow. It was big. Throughout my hookup experiences, I am always quite amazed at how I consistently meet up with Caucasian guys who have really large members, while the Asian guys that I've fooled around with almost all have smaller dicks than I do. However, G left his bush completely untamed, and that was a big turn-off for me...

In general this is the level of body fuzz that I like / can do with:

Mmm. I like trimming most of my body hair (though I already am relatively hairless), so I like it when the other guy does it too. Not hairless of course, but just light fuzz is very sexy.

So anyway, he loved my ass. He kept rimming me - I showered before too, so I felt comfortable letting someone do that to me. It was kinda nice to have someone again appreciating every inch of my body. It really was very nice validation I won't lie. He was really drunk so he crashed on my bed, and I stayed up for a little while longer to watch an episode of GoT Season 2 lol... and then I went to bed too. He cuddled me a lot, and fingered me but after a while went back to sleep too.

In the morning, this happened again, and he would rim me while jerking my dick off, and I knew he really wanted to fuck me because he raised my legs up in a missionary position and kept circling the head of his penis around my anus and for a while I was kinda up for fucking since I haven't been fucked for a longgg time, but then all kinds of 'overthinking' thoughts came into my head

as I was sober now, I started thinking - wait. HIV? Has he done sexual health screening? No condoms? No way am I barebacking. Do I seriously want to be fucked by a friend? Is this how I want to roll?

Also, I don't know what is up with me, but when the weather gets really dry in London, I chafe soooo much in my nether regions. Like I actually have tears now on my foreskin and my balls are kinda's terrible. Plus I don't pre-cum at all which is frustrating, so as he was jerking me off it started hurting a lot, so I took over the job of wanking myself with lube, and he was licking my nipples (I love nipple play) which helped me finish the job. He then jizzed too, which shot on to my arm, and then things got

I wanted to shower almost immediately, but G wanted to cuddle...and I was thinking - how on earth can anyone think of cuddling after cumming? We are filthy as fuck! I hate the smell of cum. In fact I hated it that we did it on my bed (actual fact: I changed my bedsheets immediately after he left). And actually, when I have invited some of the other 'friends with benefits' type of people over, I always made it clear to them I'm a bit of an OCD neat / hygiene freak and would prefer us fooling around on the couch, and to jizz only on body parts (or swallow) so that the cum wouldn't dribble on to the furniture.

So I said no, and I jumped up and went to shower, and then he showered too. After that I thought he would leave, but as they always do....G lingered around...till 1pm. Like, why? I can't stand the morning afters for hook-ups, it is always strange to me that people want to linger around hah. Granted he is a friend I guess. But I just did my own thing really - I had cereal for breakfast, offered him some, then watched yet another GoT episode, while he sat there on his laptop and did some work stuff.

When he left, I did a post-mortem of the whole thing, as my annoyingly analytical brain always does. First, I gathered all paraphernalia involved in the coital session - bedsheets, towels, basketball shorts, and I washed them all. I think because he was so hairy, I felt he was unhygienic (I didn't suck him), and possibly very sweaty, plus with his cigarette breath on my pillowcases, I needed to wash everything. Stat. Lol.

Secondly, I mulled over the dynamic of our friendship now. What if I meet J somehow in the future, his bf / ex-bf? Do I see G that much? Possibly not. How do I feel about hooking up with a friend?

Honestly, it was weird. It was hot but it was also weird, because my brain just doesn't know how to continue being friends with someone after seeing each other naked + with cum. It made me think that for L, my really good friend, I better not plant myself in situations where I could potentiallyyyy hook up with him. Though I think he has friendzoned me harder than I have friendzoned him - I've slept on the same bed with him 3 times now and not once have we done anything.

Still, it was nice to have some action after all ;) Usually, post-coital me walks on the street smiling a bit hahaha. G also complimented my body quite a bit - he said I look different from a year ago when he saw me - that I'm more muscular and less baby-fat-looking, which is nice.

I do hope I don't see G for a while now though...yeah.

Also, this guy is my #pecgoals. What a totally adorable smile too.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Mia & Sebastian's Theme

It's 4 am. Late nights in an empty apartment.

I'm reading through my 2013 entries, from the time I first met N. Wow. It was drama since Day One for sure, hah...

You know. I miss the kid. I really do. I find myself going about my daily life and randomly recalling a funny memory about both of us. Totally random how we went to a night market in Cambodia and got the little fishies to eat the dead skin off our feet and it was so ticklish and N was giggling and squealing like a little girl. Or how we tried the yak butter tea made by a Tibetan host family when we travelled in Sichuan, China. Or how I typed such innocuous word in the search bar of my Whatsapp and found N's old number where he wrote to me, almost exactly 3 years ago, 'Booboo, please come kiss me before you leave. Don't let me sleep on the sofa again. Come take me to bed to you. Miss holding booboo in bed.' (this is because he always fell asleep watching TV, and I would just put a blanket over him, and I'd go down to sleep on the actual bed instead) - strange how now that I'm not in a relationship such sweet-nothings like booboo sound terribly childish and stupid to me.

I feel really ashamed to admit this - but there is still an odd feeling within me that maybe in a few years' time I'd meet N again and he would really change *for good* this time, and we would live happily ever after...

I am trying very hard to ignore such thoughts - because they are not rational at all. Strange how I am so harsh and exacting with everyone else, yet with N I keep giving him chances. I cannot give him yet another. So I have to constantly remind myself of all the hurt he has caused me, even though I remember less and less of the hurt nowadays, and all I remember is the pining after him.

Next week is a big week at work - I am leading the client workshop myself. I have been very nervous about it - I always irrationally feel like I am underperforming though by every glaringly obvious avenue, I am over-performing. I actually got nominated by the managing partners in my firm, and the CEO selected me as one of a few delegates to a conference in South America. It's one of those 'future leaders under 30' sort of thing - extremely passionate young professionals mingling together to solve world problems etc. Honestly - sounds way too altruistic for me, but while I may sound very selfish a lot of times, I think I really do have a good heart underneath it we will see how I feel about the conference. Previous keynote speakers have been world leaders that is very, very cool.

So it does seem in a sense that at work I might be fast-tracked to a manager route, but yet I still have self-esteem issues...bleargh.

I haven't been good with blogging the stuff I wanted to talk about, but then again...nobody really reads this, though...that shouldn't form my motivation per se, but oh well.

I should go to bed. I'm meeting friends for lunch tomorrow, then might check out a museum exhibition by myself, and then a friend is coming over for drinks tomorrow night.

K, you're gonna be alright in the end. Just trust me on that, okay?


Monday, September 11, 2017

I'm fuming mad

but I really want to be more zen.

[This is a big ranty post, and I do feel better now that I've gotten this off my chest.]

N messaged me out of the blue today. He dug up an old video of me singing, and wrote: Wow just found this on my phone. I wasn't sure if I should text you or not but seems like something has happened at work/life with you lately so whatever it is, congrats. It's good to see you're happy even if it is from a distance now anyway.

And. I. Fucking. Replied. Him.

I can't believe myself. When I saw his text, my first reaction was wait, who is this? Because I renamed his contact to some other name lol. After a few seconds, I was annoyed by this random shit. After that,

I actually smiled. And then I replied, instinctively, without thinking.

And I told a good friend about this and she said sternly to me, you should not have replied and fed his ego.

Now I feel outraged with myself. Why am I so weak? Why do I turn into fucking putty, when that is not the face I show to the world? Someone today at the gym told me I am atypical of people from my country, because I am vocal, confident, and a bit intimidating.

Fuck yes my confidence is intimidating. But many times that is what I project anyway. Still, I can't believe myself.

I do not want to beat myself up over this. Because that is lending more strength to the shadow of him rearing over me and less to myself being freed from this mess.

He replied after I said something like "my pronunciation is so bad there." -> I sang Despacito, lmao, and I don't know Espanol. He replied "Haha it's cute. Plus you sang well and made a funny face at the end of it."

He's fishing for my friendship. For me to come back into his life. This one, I didn't reply.

The audacity. He misses his best friend (I know hands down I am his best friend, mostly because he has shit plastic shallow friends around him), and so he texts his best friend again.

I can't sleep well every day. I go about life with roughly 5.5 hours of interrupted sleep every day. It's not horrible but it's not great. I can't lift as much in the gym and it annoys me.

You know what else annoys me? The guy crashing at my place now. He's the Tinder hookup I had back last year who told me I was skinny-fat. There was a comment on one of my old entries where someone said that I tend to go for narcissistic and mean guys.

I do see that now. I do. In many ways I am similar. But I can't stand them anymore. Confidence like that used to be kind of sexy to me. Now it's downright arrogance.

I don't understand why I was nice to this guy (Let's call him T) and told him he can crash with me while he's here for 5 days. T is actually annoying as fuck. He's like N in the sense they have a male-model background, but T is really bad. He has no humour. I find his jokes utterly un-funny. He is also not smart. Sorry - but he isn't. He's great with his hands though. He made his own watch and he is a lighting designer and stuff, but some times, I honestly feel, if someone dared me to go design my own fashion line, or make my own watch, I will fucking do it, and I will do it well. Come on. I have enough general cognitive ability to pick up new things faster than most people I know. The art and fashion industry is 80% mimicry and 20% luck / schmoozing with the right crowd. Every single fucking creative person copies another creative person out there and modifies it a bit and says that art is original. But T literally thinks he is Godsent with his creativity and his looks and whines to me why he doesn't have more Instagram followers (he has like 400ish) and how he needs to go to Sephora to buy makeup (his complexion is 10x worse than mine) for his interview for a fucking PhD in some lighting thingamajig, and also he constantly rolls his eyes at uhm, almost everything, wears really painfully hipster clothes with a million holes in them, and loves to show me pictures of all the million previous guys he's hooked up with (they are pretty cute), and talks to me also about how his boyfriend is so afraid T will cheat because T is a natural flirt, and how he once double-booked two dates so he did a tri-date and didn't tell the two guys and I keep looking at him and wondering why I thought he was handsome in the first place all these fuckboys look good in photos but in real life they are a real disappointment

and I am just so fucking done with his self-absorbedness. It's funny how I now have the rose-tinted glasses taken away. I was pretty smitten by him previously, to be okay with his shit comments about my body (though in all fairness, I have leaned and bulked up a lot more since we hooked up many moons ago and there is NO WAY I am skinny-fat now) I used to think, wow! How cool! Someone so passionate about something I've never thought about - lighting! It definitely is an art form! ... now it's like fuck that shit, fucking PhD you got to be shitting me, he also constantly messes up my bathroom by wetting everywhere and I am the sort of manic clean freak where I put a sponge at the head of my bath tub because it's all marble and I don't want water stains, and my sink area is marble and I DON'T WANT WATER STAINS AND I feel like I need to write a goddamn fucking rules book for people crashing at my place

WHY ARE HUMANS SO MESSY? I don't get it. He probably doesn't think he is messy because by normal standards he is fine, but I can't stand it. I hate shit skidmarks. I hate it. Even if I use a public toilet, and if I commit said misdemeanour, I will use the toilet brush and scrub it. Because it is a fucking eyesore and I am a nice civic-conscious guy who does not want lil dipshits after me to see the remnants of my excrement.

Why on earth, if you use someone else's toilet, would you not scrub off the skidmarks, if there is a fucking toilet brush right beside the toilet. Isn't that the whole point?

I pour wine for him, because I was having some with my mussels (yes, I had mussels for my entrée for dinner at home while I was watching Going In Style, which is a heartwarming riot I have to say), and after I poured myself a second glass, I ask him "Oh? You're drinking so slowly?" "Oh yes, I can't drink too much white wine. I am allergic maybe and can suffocate."


I can't stand humans. It is always sobering when I go through the cycle of 'oh I feel lonely' > 'oh there's someone to keep me company, that isn't one of my really good friends and I don't mind increasing my social circle!' > 'I fucking hate humans, let me retreat back into my little cave with the small social circle I keep close to my heart.'

I need to stop. I need to stop trying to be like somebody else. To be the person who is friendly, and sociable, or the person who keeps wanting to make new connections out there. Or the person who observes social decorum and is all nice and friendly to people. One thing I know about myself - I absolutely ABHOR being nice and friendly to people who I do not feel deserve my being nice and friendly to. I can't fake shit.

I am very difficult to live with. I am very difficult to deal with. I wouldn't be able to stand myself if I cloned myself. Even OkCupid knows this - I am ranked extremely impolite according to the average person surveyed on the app.

But for the love of God, or whoever, or Lady Luck, please just let me meet people I can actually tolerate, and repel all the rest?

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Too lazy to post

I've had a lot of thoughts I wanted to pen down, but I've been too lazy to post. Let me just make a quick bulleted list of things I want to go through in time to come:

  • Friends with Benefits - funny stories
  • Inability to sleep, extremely disturbing dream about my 'grandma' and 'grandpa'
  • Zero success with dating apps, OkCupid sending an email about being one of their more attractive clientele (hah!)
  • Good friend V echoing thoughts N had; his girlfriend A and I bonding over how shitty men are
  • Amazing thing happened at work - conference in South America
  • Happy my sister's boyfriend is in London...feels like a piece of family is here
  • Going out to Heaven and having so much fun, Tinder hookup friend from home staying with me this weekend (he has a bf so no monkey business, but also I find him dull)
  • Still an overall sense of finding little interest in human beings... not unsociable per se, but just generally finding people rather dull. It is massive hubris I know, but I can't help how I feel. I really only like to have friends that say occasionally very thought-provoking and incisive nuggets of knowledge, or are very funny. 
Ok it's 6 pm on a Sunday and I think I shall take a nap, and then head to the gym, eat some frozen pizza, and watch a movie tonight with a glass of wine. 

Sunday, September 3, 2017

He's so tall, and handsome as hell

He's so bad but he does it so well.

Something that is slightly :/ (btw, I find it really difficult to verbally describe the :/ emotion - 'meh'?) is that my music tastes have become very very mainstream now, though when I was younger I was trying very hard to be painfully different and effortlessly cool so I listened to such different songs back then.

Anyway, Tay Swift is so soothing to listen to because every song is literally a revenge / fuck shit up anthem. Isn't life so great, how we never do assign meaning to 'everyday objects', until we 'project' inner desires on to the same objects?

An example is music, & lyrics. Before I ever knew I could romantically love someone, most love songs sounded woefully stupid. Now, old songs, even like T.Swift's You Belong With Me, I've conjured up N's image in my head.

[Before I continue, a caveat: I hate T.Swift as a person. She is petty, perpetually stuck in high school drama, sociopathic, and totally fake. I also don't get why people think she's pretty she is so generically Caucasian.]

I have to however, give myself a really good pat on the back. I have not contacted him for more than a week now, and while I have snooped on his IG here and there, it's definitely much less stalkerish than before. I don't really care what he's doing with his life now - probably still fucking that beyond hideous lesbian-looking lizard man that he is now dating. Which is something I am quite glad about to be frank - that after me is a beyond hideous lesbian-looking lizard man who is a second-rate version of me in every single way, rather than some swooning Prince Charming. I am being objective here; I have asked numerous friends and they all said that this new man is unquestioningly 'ugly.' Perhaps they are obligated to say so, I guess.

Yet I still pine for him. While I am certain it will fade, for now, this pining is frustrating. At least it is not soul-destroying, as previous. I feel like it is a scab that I will eventually have to just acknowledge and not let it affect me. Which, is the whole point of mindfulness I guess, which in general, is a term that I curl my upper lip and wrinkle my nose to.

Interjecting randomly with hot guys, just because. Matthew Daddario.
I have decided on a few things -

1. I will write out a monologue script of what I would like to cover in my first therapy session with the gay counsellor. This is ideal in my head, as previously, I blabbered a lot with the previous 'free' therapist by the shitty NHS, and she accused me of being directionless with my sessions with her. Secondly, this helps with clarifying what I truly truly want to get out of the sessions. Thirdly, I want to prepare myself for the scenario that this guy will not understand my 'gay' struggles just like the previous probablyhetero female therapist. I also pray that this guy understands my struggles of being a closeted homo in Asia etc. etc.

2. I will not quit my job yet. The last few weeks I have really wanted to quit because I couldn't stand how low my pay is (objectively, it isn't bad. It is just that the arrogance in me feels I should be paid way higher) I'll start looking for another job mid of next year, and possibly jobs back in Asia. My next project is gonna be a very high-intensity one, where I am taking on HEAPS of responsibility I've never done before. Essentially it's a full-on manager role really. I'm very nervous, like actually really nervous about failing to perform (I am terrified, terrified, terrified of failing other people's expectations of my capabilities), but I know I will learn so so very much from this and would be invaluable experience for what I want to do in the future.

Also think it'll be a wonderful distraction from everything else in my life. I am leading a team, with something that I've not really done before, for an industry I've very little knowledge about (nutrition) so there is going to be a real steep learning curve, with a focus on something I've very little knowledge too (sales teams). YEAHH BOY. This is gonna be tough tough tough. Plus the client is in the US, and the rest of my team is in Switzerland, so hours may be erratic, but that's okay I'm working from home (how amazing - I hate travel).

Good thing also - it starts from Sept 11 and ends Nov 17, and Nov 17 night I fly back home uh-gain, and this time I'm going to take 3 weeks off. Or maybe even 4. Or a cheeky 5 if I can somehow do it till the end of the year. Beautiful thing about working in Europe - perpetual holidays.

Manish Dayal
3. I will re-evaluate my expectations around seeking out casual sex vs. conscious (or rather, coerced, lol) celibacy. A blog-reader told me that per my historical entries, it seems like all these apps constantly carry a negative NPV in my life. But seriously - no sex for 9 months? I hate it. I am a born again virgin dude. Sex is a big part of our lives, and I want it to continue to be part of mine. I shall broach this topic with the therapist for sure - essentially, I do not know how to navigate sex as a single person who doesn't want to be overly-needy with dating apps, and who doesn't want to associate himself with gay bars / clubs, but whose friend social network literally do not know any other gay people (other than me) for referrals.

Referrals should be the best. My friends can weed out the bad ones and show me the good ones. I think of it like a personal matchmaking concierge, which honestly would be great. Let's name this Personal Matchmaking Concierge as PMC. (This is my idea for a new app btw) I'd tell the PMC everything I ideally want in a man, and then I'd fill out a second form telling the PMC everything I realistically need from a man, and then I'd fill out a third form telling the PMC everything my parents will veto in my boyfriend, and the PMC will automatically (through algorithms by some software engineer I will pluck from Stanford) create a bot to swipe through any of the apps I tell it to, to find men that lay in the sweet spot that fulfils all criteria in this Venn diagram of mine. The PMC will then trawl through my own Whatsapp conversation history, and leverage machine learning and AI capabilities to mimic my conversation topics, delivery style, emoticon usage, and speak to all potential matches, and when there is no response, the PMC moves on to the next person, and only once actual meetings have been scheduled, are the full conversations surfaced to me. This way I don't have to deal with rejection personally at all, as I have a robot to shield me from that shit.

(I am being childish with the above, because rejection, as mentioned previously, should be something that I should expose myself more to so that I will not take them personally.) In fact, I feel like having a sales role would be great experience to completely thicken one's skin from taking anything personally.

Anyway, referrals are useless - 80% of my friends are straight, and I'm the only gay person they know (or, others are attached). The 20% rest who are gay, are themselves pining for men anyway. It is really annoying - akin to the whole eating the forbidden fruit kinda thing. Once you have a taste of it, it is hard to go back...

Ludi Lin
4. I might convert my desire to hook up with hot men in real life and the subsequent despair due to lack of said hot men in the flesh in my life to, voila, online chatroom stuff. There is this website, where all these guys jerk off on webcam, and people tip them money for them to either moan more or whatever, but it is highly addictive. Firstly, I thoroughly enjoy voyeurism. It is definitely a total kink of mine - that and exhibitionism. Secondly, I love how enormously capitalistic and efficient this system is. These fuckboys are saving up money for something and strip and cum for tips. They are e-strippers. But with the beautiful veiled illusion that the particular fuckboy is stripping and jerking off just for the sole viewer, since unlike at strip clubs /gay clubs where I am soberly reminded every second that I am surrounded with sweaty horny people who are usually, not attractive.


I stayed for an hour jerking myself off to him sitting there looking so pretty and tanned and, and fuck me those chesticles and nipples. And it was great. Yes the second pic is post-money-shot.

This method might help stave off my horniness, while being one step better than normal porn which doesn't have that 'I am there too' element for me. This one, feels vicariously voyeuristic.

Ok. It is 4.45 am. Damn dude. I should sleep. A friend came over tonight, brought blunts and beer, and we smoked up, drank, ordered in pizza, and watched Colossal, a movie with Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis. I don't want to ruin the plot if you've not seen it, but there were such, such large major plotholes it was difficult to get fully invested with what is also a very very bizarre film.

Weed really does calm me well.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Nothing gold can stay

It's Friday night - I had a date lined up from Tuesday, but he ghosted me tonight after the ever-so-annoying blue-ticks on Whatsapp. To be honest, it is fine - he wasn't very cute, but I am extremely sexually deprived, and he would have done the job. I tried not to take the rejection personally.

It is difficult because I take a lot of rejections personally. Many people do. The truly successful in this world don't. They just try, and try again. 

I had a work dinner tonight - a very, very good co-worker of mine is leaving the firm. Among 4 people we had 3 bottles of red (really exquisite, actually), and really really good food.

As I said bye to everyone, I opened all my hookup apps, and sent out boring 'hi there' texts to anyone I felt was half-decent. I didn't get much luck. I was really tipsy at this point.

I got home, stripped naked, looked at myself in the mirror, cocked my head, and wondered why isn't anyone slurping up this slab of meat? It took me a long time (like, most of my life) to finally be semi-happy with my physical appearance, but yet the whole craving for external validation is causing me to regress. It is exhausting to question why people don't seem to find me sexy.

As an aside, I decided I'll be seeing a therapist again. I am not sure why though - I just want to. First appointment is Sept 12 - and the therapist is gay, as I asked for one, and he sounded like one over the phone (no need to be politically correct - many gay guys have a distinctly gay-sounding lisp, which honestly is a turn-off if the voice is 'too gay'). I had his full name via the text message he sent; I LinkedIn him (mostly to see what sort of credentials he had, as I felt my previous therapist lady didn't feel very qualified) while at work, and found, to my surprise, that he is quite a handsome silver fox. I swear I got a bit hard in the office thinking about how raunchy would it be if I ended up having sex with my therapist, which, as Tobias Funke on Arrested Development calls the analytical therapist, the analrapist.

Anyway, back home, I loaded up porn, wanked to it, and laid on my bed with jizz all over and browsed on Facebook for a little.

[Incidentally, apparently instead of the good old days where post-coital activities include smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee while cuddling, people tend to browse social media after sex now.]

I scrolled down a lil, and saw the below:

You might not be familiar with them. Back in 2013, N & I would start what became a ritual for us - we watched The X Factor USA and UK. Alex & Sierra were our faves from the start, because they were both so adorable, so loving, and really could sing in harmony.

N & I cheered so much when they won that season. I remember we both told each other that we can see a bit of A&S in us too. 

That was 2013; N & I met in 2013. A&S are pretty much around the same age as us too. 

My heart broke reading the above note, laying on my bed with my naked body, one hand covered in jizz, the other scrolling through the comments. I showered, sobered up, stalked their Facebook page as if they were an ex, and here I am typing.

The more and more I am convinced - nothing lasts forever. Perhaps our generation is not built to have everlasting love like the generations before us. 

Nature’s first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf’s a flower; 
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

I was busy thinkin bout fuckboys

I was looking through some old comments on my blog, and realised that one commenter had mentioned that I seem to be attracted to narcissistic and shallow guys. It made me think - do I like fuckboys that much?

Whenever I find someone hot and show pictures of said person to friends, they're usually like 'dude. he looks just like N.' What the fuck? Do I really have such a ... limited type?

I know I like darker-skinned, darker-haired, Middle-Eastern/Mediterranean-looking type of guys. I'm not sure if it's because after I dated N, that's what became of my type (S was Dutch, but quite tanned and had dark hair) - his type has certainly transformed to only Asian guys when before he hardly dated any Asians. 

I'm trying to be less shallow. It is difficult. I am a very visual person. I showed a picture of this guy that I met up with when I went back home in Asia (only guy I met up with from the dating apps...) to a few friends today, and they commented that he looks like the pretty boy, 'model-ish good looks' sort of guy. He's also yet another youngling - a tender age of 24. We did get along very well though, and I did find him cute (and thankfully he found me cute too - he texted me that), and he actually studies in the UK so we did say we would meet up again but alarm bells started ringing when he said he has one more year of university + he wants to go into Public Relations upon graduation.

I really should not date such younglings anymore. He hasn't graduated! Though he took one year off to work (placement year). But PR is also a very frivolous sector to be in. He spoke about going around to fancy hotels and fashion events for business development purposes. 

All of this has really gotten me to re-evaluate the way I go about dating. Perhaps I should go about dating less with my eyes (and dick) and more with my brain & heart - if that makes sense. I downloaded OkCupid, because there are a lot more contextual portions to a profile rather than the usual dating app suspects, plus this nifty thing where you answer 'match questions' that have fixed multiple choices, and you choose your answer, and fill in acceptable answers of your potential partner too.

These questions have been a thorough source of entertainment for me. There are several categories, and for example, a Dating question was: Do you strongly prefer to date someone of your own ethnic/racial background? I put down No, and my potential partner to be a No too. When I see a profile that says Yes, I swipe left. Lol.

Some questions are fucking invasive and hilarious. A Sex question was like: Would you comply with your partner's request to urinate on him? Yes / No. Like, what the actual fuck? Even if I were to have a penchant for golden showers, I doubt I will admit that readily on a pretty public platform. 

Some other questions are oh-my-god mind-blowing, when I see the answers from others. An Other question was: Why do birds not get electrocuted when they sit on electrical wires? I chose the one that said "because they are not touching anything else" which was the closest answer to being that they aren't touching the floor, or another wire with a different electric potential, hence current wouldn't flow through them. I saw a dude's answer was: "They do get electrocuted, but they express their pain poorly."

Fuck off. LOL. You must be trolling. This is basic basic physics. Another 'Other' question was: Do apes and human beings come from the same ancestors? I saw someone actually reply a "No." I was mindblown at how incredibly thick some people were. It was highly amusing.

Anyway, in the same vein of how I always become too obsessive about anything that I do in life, I answered 300 of these 'match questions', and my 'personality' compared to the average gay male my age is as follows: 

Well, being extremely impolite is no surprise there - I can't hold my tongue at all hah. Especially compared to most Brits who are just so... oddly placid in everything they do. 

I digress. Essentially, I try to look less at people's photos, and look at their open-ended answers to questions like 'Six things you cannot live without' and the multiple-choice answers to the match questions too. I have learned so much about human beings and their inner thoughts. Hah! Technology is wonderful. 

I definitely attract Americans quite a lot. Almost 60% of those who reach out to me are American. I kind of feel like...I need to go back to America, find a boy, kidnap him, and drag him to London, because I'd rather live here than NYC/SF. 

I also have been trying, very actively, to ignore my attraction to the younger supple variety. Older men I tell myself, older men have two feet on the ground and heads below the clouds. Yet it is difficult to not be attracted to youth - at my friend's birthday party today many who attended were surprised to find out that I'm 29, as they thought I was the same age as them all (23). 

Oddly when I was 23 I looked 18. When I was 20, I looked 15. Not bragging - but I have really young and smooth complexion. I have no clue why. Other than the cysts which I had (may be due to shitty karmic accumulation) though all that remain of them are not-so-visible scars, I don't have blemishes not just on my face, but also all over my body. It is odd. I think this is because I have a lot of residual baby fat and collagen to keep a youthful appearance. I hope this lasts for a long, long time.

Randomly, here are some fitness progress pictures. Man. Compared to a few years back, I grew muscles. Wow. It is quite exciting indeed. 

This back picture was taken by some dude who came over to ahem, blow me. He told me that my back is muscular and sexy and I said that my ex (which was N) once told me that I have no back muscles at all (in N's defence he seemed to like me being quite meaty), and this dude was like 'no way, let me take a picture for you, so you can see for yourself'. And he told me to flex and it felt a bit porno looking, but okay, I guess it doesn't matter much when a few moments ago I face-fucked him and he swallowed my cum which I swore I was shooting straight to the back of his throat.

Speaking of the above hookup, I explained to a friend, L (mentioned previously), that quite a few of my hookups involve me just laying there while the other guy 'services' me and I don't even really touch the other guy that much. This is actually because...I don't find the other guy attractive, but we struck up pretty good conversations, and then the other person would want more, but I don't, but I still get raging hard whenever someone caresses me. L told me he has rarely had such hookups like that, as he needs to be attracted to the other guy too.

It got me feeling a bit discouraged, because L gets a lot more sex and non-sexual dates than me, and he's shown me a few of his dates, and I find them attractive too. L is definitely more successful than me when it comes to this arena... I wonder if it's because people assume that I am a fuckboy. I won't lie - I use a shirtless pic on Grindr, and for Tinder and OkCupid, my shirtless pic is the second pic in the carousel. L does not post shirtless pictures of himself. He tells me it's because he doesn't have a good body, and while yes he doesn't have a six pack and isn't lean, he isn't unfit and he still looks quite sexy without a shirt on. Do shirtless pics serve as a signal that the uploader is a fuckboy, and is best swiped left? I have no clue...

The other thing is: I am painfully horny nowadays. I love the gym in my apartment. I went into the locker room today and saw this guy drying his trunks in that swirling machine thingamajig, while completely naked. Oh my god. I've seen him around and he is totally adorable, Italian, light body fuzz, nice muscles, and the last piece in the puzzle...he has such a scrumptious uncut dick. It was so thick even while soft/semi-soft and I straight up just stared at it. He also has a very nice round butt and honestly, I want to top a guy, but it needs to be a pretty muscular guy like this fine specimen I'm describing now. He also has such puppy eyes. Love love. And a cute Italian accent, as he called out to his other friend, who may or may not be his lover, who also was towelling himself naked, and also has a nice body and a nice dick, however, this guy has an unattractive face.

I've also been spending a lot of time with L recently. He's a good friend. He's 24, starting his first job soon, and was seeing a boy for 3 months but then that guy went abroad for the summer and almost immediately L downloaded all the apps. He told me he feels like he is young and still wants to explore and not settle down right now. It was odd hearing this from a friend, because I was fine and agreeable with what he said, but then thought that N probably thought the same way about me, and it made me livid.

L has never had a relationship longer than 3 months. Before me, N dated a guy for a year, but that didn't really count tbh, because he said they were long-distance-ish for quite a few of those months. It made me really think, fuck, I need to date an older man.

But it's nice to have L around. In many ways we are on similar wavelengths. We've slept over at each other's places quite a few times now. He's also quite attractive actually. We went to use the pool in my gym, and he was showering, and the glass panel is basically translucent. I was waiting for him to be done because that was the only free stall, but I saw a silhouette of his dick, and him playing with it a little. Now usually, I try to be very well-behaved around friends and not violate their privacy, but his dick looked pretty big and my eyes were glued, and I definitely had a hard-on. In fact some times when we were in bed together, we would talk about some sexual fantasies or previous experiences, and I would just be in my undies, and I would jokingly tell him that I'm hard now and he should jerk me off.

I know nothing would happen between us because he has told me before that he friendzones friends and can't see anything sexual about them, though he has told me before, by looking at my photos, 'oh you look really hot here!' Still, I need to banish thoughts of hooking up with him, because we have a good solid friend group going on, and I don't want to risk anything. Plus, I am pretty sure this is a manifestation of me just being so horny that I start thinking sexual thoughts about my most attractive friend in the nearest proximity to me.

Randomly, I was with L when a drag queen dressed in a totally glittery nun's outfit held my hand and dragged me into a sex shop to try poppers, because I told her I've never tried one before. L didn't want to try it. I took a big sniff, because YOLO I guess. It smelled like sucking in helium from a very rubbery balloon. I immediately felt so warm, and so heavy, it definitely felt like I was drunk. It lasted for about 10 seconds, but I was quite out of it during those 10 seconds, and after that I decided I wouldn't use poppers again - such a strange odd sensation.

But in all honesty, I get very few leads from the dating / hookup apps...there is only so much I can do with my hands. Gah.

Sunday, August 27, 2017


26th August was supposed to be our 4th year anniversary. I winced a lot when Facebook reminded me of that with its 'On This Day' memories - there was a very adorable picture of us at the Peak in Hong Kong with the brilliant skyline in the background, along with a relationship status update.

I think my stance on social media has changed drastically. I am an insanely active social media user, but I try very hard not to get addicted to the 'validation' etc., but I believe for my future relationships I will keep everything very private. I have this sinking feeling that many people were waiting for N and I to fail (especially after talking to a friend who is always bitter about life, cynical, and honestly just not a good person for me to be around) because I publicised our happy pictures a lot on social media. Another friend in fact told me he unfollowed my updates because it got too annoying for him.

This is why I am going through yet another period of consolidation in my life. I have deactivated my social media accounts, and shall re-evaluate the people that I have around me. I like these periods to be honest - it feels very liberating and that I'm 'in control' though I still acknowledge I wouldn't be able to go forever without social media.

I spoke to a counsellor over the phone because I wanted someone to talk to, but honestly fear opening up to my friends about the complicated history I've had with N. I fear being judged so much - I fear that people think that I was so stupid to have given him another chance as they had vehemently advised me not to, and so this was my just desserts.

I think I will start seeing a therapist again, just for a few sessions. Gain some more clarity, and hopefully have a more positive outlook on life at the end of it. I have been talking to a few friends - the ones that now have become very precious to me, and many of them have admitted to me that it is hard for them to fully relate to because they've never loved someone as evidently as I have. I asked if they have ever felt so happy that you'd want to be the best version of yourself for another, that you're always slapping yourself (metaphorically) wondering how did you get so lucky?

One friend said no he hasn't, but wants me to realise that I did not get lucky with N - N was very lucky with me instead. I guess that is true.

I feel oddly quite calm though. I had a few days of feeling very sorry for myself - thinking that I am so stupid, thinking that I am now very old (I am turning 29) and have wasted my prime years on a relationship that didn't work out. I also hate the judgement from friends who say it was 'doomed to fail' - I feel like it makes it sound as if I was so blindly infatuated by N. No I wasn't! Or maybe I was, who knows.

Regardless, life is quite pleasant right now. This new version of myself is handling things remarkably better than the old version. I have a solid (small) bunch of friends in London who I really can rely on and that's great really. The below is very judgemental I have to firstly disclaim, and would be very unpopular but these are my unfiltered thoughts. I am focusing more on the negatives below.

I have given myself two mini-goals to accomplish for the second-half of this year - one was to go out of my comfort zone and do more 'gay' things and meet more gay people, two was to try out yoga.

One: I have a small group of gay Asian friends here and it was so sad that one has left to do his MBA in the US. Now down to just 3 of us, we still meet up very regularly and I love them all to bits because they're always so funny but reliable and sensible too. I went with one of them, L, to meet with his gay friend in a gay bar in Clapppppham. I was quite excited to go because I've never really been around that area before. I've heard it is where young people hang out, and it's a lot less 'artificial' and 'organic' as some people might say, compared to Soho or Mayfair.

The thing is, and this is only something I shall admit on my anonymous blog, I am not sure why I am so judgemental myself (maybe insecure people judge others more?), but I abhorred everything and everyone in that bar. Stepping out of my comfort zone is incredibly frustrating and some times I feel like it's not worth it at all. I learned nothing there. I enjoyed nothing. Everyone looked filthy, cheap, overly hirsute, unkempt, unfit, and there were so many insanely insanely attention-seeking divas around. There was a drag show going on, but on the dance floor, some guys were being so fucking slutty with the way they gyrated I wanted to throw up. The drag queens were also not remotely funny at all. Come on. If you want to be sassy, at least do something other than the trite ' I'm a queen and I will be bitchy' shit - zero fucking humour and the costumes were outrageously Primark-esque. The number of actually obese men in the club, also turned me off so much. I get how I will never fully understand the inner 'demons' that other people have, so being a bit paunchy is fine if one simply doesn't care that much about physical appearance, or doesn't know how to eat that healthily, but when you are straight up BMI>30, I feel like these people have lost all self-respect. It's clearly a cry out to the world that they feel insecure about something that has either happened in their childhood days, or something else, and they turn to food for comfort. And they can't stop. So, why not seek help???

I find it very fucking annoying that so many people seem largely very contented with the status quo of their lives, and have very little agency to improve on anything. This is unpopular and racist, but I feel that way for many Caucasians, many seem totally fine with never achieving much in their lives. Equally on the opposite end of the spectrum, Asians are way too fucking self-punishing, materialistic, career-driven and almost dead in the inside. I've had this controversial discussion with a previous therapist before and she was so unkind with my unkind words, telling me that I am hiding with a thirst to feel superior to the others around me.

What is wrong with that? Are humans all really equal? I don't think so. I don't want my life to stagnate. I want to constantly do better than before. I also want to learn to be more appreciative and stop and smell the proverbial flowers from time to time. But what is wrong with trying to be better?

Ultimately I know I want to build something. I want to build an empire. It doesn't have to be a big one, but I want to have something that I can call my own but also be able to help people, because as selfish as all the above sounds, I do still want to do good for other people. In fact, I am almost positive I want to either work or start my own healthtech start-up in the future.

But I was really just so shocked by the people in the bar. The friends that L's friend brought along - one works as a waiter. He was the campiest of the lot - pretending as if he was channelling pre-breakdown Britney Spears the entire night. Also, what the fuck? The club played such shit music - it was such stereotypical gay hits like Cher, Britney, etc. Clearly for old people too. How about some of the newer pop songs at least if wanting to keep with the theme? Katy Perry? Taylor Swift? None. This waiter dude also pounded so, so many tequila shots that night and after each shot he would raise his hand up and did a 'Woohoo!' like he was being filmed on RuPauls' show.

I left everyone without saying bye. I just felt so much disdain for people - with the silly meaninglessness of it all. The more-feminine-than-girls gyrating, the non-funny bitchiness of the drag queens, the lack of hot men, the copious amounts of cheap shots people were drinking. Everything felt so empty. I came out of the club and looked around - streets looked nasty - I definitely am a snob; I mean I didn't know I was going out that night and so I had worn nice clothes which I didn't want anyone to spill anything on so that added on to my frustration. I have been told by acquaintances I am too uptight, and that I should enjoy more 'meaningless' things because they have a part in our lives too, but fuck it.

I can't dude. I can't. I am the type of person who loves my designer clothes, eating at fancy restaurants with 8-courses, flying business class, driving sports cars, but yet I do not like the arrogance of many who enjoy these similar things with me. That was the problem I had with my grad school-mates; we had a few who came from billionaire families or those with 100s of millions in terms of trust funds, but they were all insufferably un-grounded. They also all came from horribly broken families, because too much money inevitably divides people.

I think I have to surrender soon to the fact that while I am honestly a very sociable person, I am not made to have many friends. I have to be cautious not to feel lonely however, loneliness is a terrible thing that I would not wish upon anyone, even those that I judged harshly as above.

I was also discussing this with my gay Asian group - and I was surprised to find out that many didn't want to date someone who was 'similar' to them. This came about because I jokingly said if I could clone myself and just change a bit of my physical appearance, I would totally date that clone. One said no way, he only wants to be with someone who was hot but hopelessly dumb (I can't be around dumb people), so he could keep the guy more as a 'kept man' / trophy husband kind of thing. Another said he needed someone else to take over everything and he wouldn't mind being the person to stay at home and not do much, but on a physical level, he likes the other guy to be a lot hairier than him (I don't like body hair). Another said I should learn to be like him, and have a very low sex drive and desire for relationships (I am insatiably horny).

People want very different things from life. I acknowledge that a lot and so many times after judging people harshly I readily admit that I don't have the same worldview as them.

I really do hope that one day I'd find someone who would have a similar worldview as me, the way N did too (the old N at least).

Two: Yoga. The Namaste lifestyle seems absolutely bullshit to me. Most people do it to pat themselves on the back and make themselves feel spiritually superior to others around them. But I wanted to drop my cynicism and give what many basic bitches 'swear by' a chance. I watched a clip online and did it at home:

Firstly, this thumbnail is really fucking hot. He also has such a nice soothing tone to his voice but unfortunately he did not do all his exercises in the buff. Though I guess if he did, I would have had a raging erection throughout. However, yoga is holy shit difficult. Also, I kept laughing at his descriptions 'push your navel to the sky' like, is that even seriously possible? My navel is my navel how do I push it to the sky? Or when my hands are already fully outstretched he's like 'reach higher, and higher' uhm what? Any higher and I would have to dislodge my limbs.

SMH. It still feels a bit pretentious to me, especially how he says some Yogic phrase at the end of some special stances, but I'll give this a try again for sure. He's hot and for now, I rather fantasise about hot men over the net rather than in real life. Real life hot men are jerks. Lol.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Once upon a dream

I was shivering and my hands were really cold, and there was a constant squeeze around my heart; I was going to meet N in about 15 minutes. I wore a suit because I wanted to feel confident and look handsome, and I saw him sitting there in the coffee shop I told him to meet me at, as handsome as he has always been, and I recited to myself under my breath once again, "Be strong. Be strong. Be strong."

He told me I looked handsome in my suit. He asked about my life. I asked him why did he want to meet. He said because we haven't seen each other for a while now. I had been practising my speech for two days now, and so I told him what I had to say. As pathetic as it may seem, I wrote down what I wanted to say and emailed it to myself and I actually did cover all of the below when I spoke to him:

"Honestly, I don't need to hear any of that. It doesn’t even matter to me anymore. You see, regardless of however you want to explain it, it’s not right. What you did to me, it was not right at all. You let me down, majorly actually. No one with a heart would do this to someone they say they care about. And this isn’t even the first time. You can argue it’s different circumstances this time round, but the actions are the same. You were unable to be honest with me. You lied again. So reminiscent with the case with G in the past. You went cold on me, then began messaging someone else, developing feelings, and then going on a trip with the person while lying to me about the nature of the trip. Previously it was Iceland, now it was Italy. Asia now too. You told me Italy was a work trip, and for Asia you’d just be with W (his best female friend). They weren’t truths again."

"What was the worst about all this was the fact that after your Italy trip, and after spending time with the boy in Asia, you met up with my mom. I have learned to deal with the unnecessary drama between both of us, but I did not want at all for my parents to be dragged into this mess. After you met with my mom, she was so so happy for me and for us. She was really rooting so hard for us. She told me you told her we are both more mature and can handle problems far better than before. My dad was so happy he added you as a +1 for my brother’s wedding. The thing about my parents, they let people in wholeheartedly. That was how I was raised too and that is how I am. And you can betray me that’s fine, but doing that to my parents, giving them such a false illusion, is really not cool at all. It is terrible."

"Anyway, I am not here to demonise you. I know you have rationalised this all to yourself – you’re young, you’re not sure what you want, you’re not ready to commit. Those are all excuses. Young is being 16. My siblings are 1 year older than you and they would never do what you did to me to their partners. But anyway, I am glad about two things."

"One. We honestly had really great memories, especially early on. Not even the big things like watching ballet, or travelling the world together. The small little things like marathoning GoT in my room and both of us getting so obsessed with Khaleesi. Or listening to a song (I linked it above) and separately thinking oh wow this could be our wedding song. It was definitely fairy-tale like and I see many of my friends and their partners and few seem to have reached the level of bliss and contentment I felt early on in our relationship. I never knew I could love someone so much and that is such a beautiful thing I will cherish forever and I know I will be able to find that again in the future."

"Two. I never knew I could be so strong to stand up and pick up the pieces after being really torn apart and hit rock-bottom. I have become so independent, so self-assured, I really like the new me so very much. I have a lot of clarity about what I want and who I am as a person and I have learned so much from all my mistakes and this new version of me is something that I am so utterly proud of."

"But at the end of the day you have severely disappointed me. I want to clear up one thing: your texts to me about our fairy tale never ending, or when there’s a will there’s a way – these are simply not true; our fairy tale ended a long time ago. I struggled for so long clinging on to it, really hoping it would work out and not letting it go, but I have a lot of clarity now. There is no way we would ever be together again. I didn’t want it to be this way, but choices were made from your actions, and what's done is done. I can't trust you at all, not even as a friend."

"We shouldn’t see each other again. You should not do what you did to me with your new guy – talking to other guys behind his back. Treat him better than you treated me. Never treat someone in the future the way you treated me, intentionally or not."

He cried so much. I was oddly calm, and very strong. He told me he will not try and explain anything, because it would be misconstrued by me as him being defensive. He mentioned, as he always does, something cryptic about shit really hitting the fan regarding his family issues (I believe his dad wanted to actually kill or kidnap me - fucking insane Middle Easterners), but then he stopped, and told me he is very sorry about everything. Finally - he was honest. He told me this really was all his fault, and if he could, he would go back in time and do it all over again. I told him it was pointless to think about that because what's done is really done. 

He nodded, and told me that he is really proud and happy for me that I've become so strong and stable. He said that as much as I might not believe him, all he wanted was for me to be happy, but he has not been himself for years now, and he is sorry to have dragged me along with all his issues. He said that he has never loved anyone as much as he loved me, and that we grew up together (in many ways that is true - I met him when he was only 20, and now he's 25), and that he will always be so thankful that I walked into his life. 

I said something quite mean here. I told him that there has been so many lies in our relationship, I am hearing what you are saying, but I don't know you anymore, and I don't know if I can believe what you're saying. He nodded and said he understood, but hopes I know he is telling the truth.

We then left and he wanted a hug. I told him, "I don't think we need to hug" and he let out an involuntary insulted 'okay fine' and turned away. I walked away too, and didn't look back.

I went to the gym after, and mid-break in between pec fly sets, I looked through my saved album of our photos on my iPhone. I started crying. In all honesty, I loved this man so fiercely and really with all of my heart. Even with all the hurt that I've been through, I too never meant to hurt him, not even after he hurt me. Part of me even wondered if I was being too harsh on him today to not even hug - which is silly since he has a new fuckboy and I should hate his guts.

But I really don't. I guess, I can't help my feelings but my love for him was a lot more selfless than I ever imagined for myself, an otherwise extremely selfish guy. I absolutely hate it when some older friends dismiss me and say 'oh this is just young love, it didn't mean much.' Fuck off. Yes we are young, but it doesn't make this any less real. But this breakup time round I am so different than about 20 months ago when I first broke up with him - I have my own beautiful apartment, I enjoy work as a whole, I have a really good support system of friends to rely on. I am a lot more independent too. So I take comfort in that, things can't ever be as bad as before. There is so much for me to be thankful for, and so much for me to look forward to.

I will worry about the negatives another time (respectively: living alone is lonely quite a lot of times, my pay is really shit and I hate feeling underpaid, many of my friends have left London for good). 

N was my first true love. Boy have we gone through so much in the 4 years that I've known him. I met him July 11, 2013. I think I will forever cherish our memories from 2013-2015 (everything after that, was pretty shit). We really, really did so many, many things together and it was so incredibly magical. Here are some photos of places that we've explored together (taken from stock images online):

Shah Cheragh in Shiraz, Iran
Huanglong in Sichuan, China
Arashiyama Bamboo Grove in Kyoto, Japan

I have honestly never ever felt so comfortable with someone before. In a very weird way (I would never admit this to anyone hah), in front of almost everyone else, I am almost always flexing my abs and tensing my arms even when I'm wearing a shirt. But with him I didn't do any of that at all. It really did show how much I let him in to my vulnerable inner self. 

One day when it stings less, I will re-read my entries back in 2013-2015. I bet I was really happy. Or maybe I'd find that I was never really happy with him, and I've been viewing everything through rose-tinted glasses. Incidentally, I do remember that the day I read S' email to me, the next day I met N... and I know I didn't like him at first because he seemed too impulsive, but in the end ended up falling so hard for him, and I was thinking that I really, really lucked out..

But today does feel like Day Zero in some ways. I have dragged my feet way too long. I have to stay optimistic that as I move on from my first love, one day I will find my last love. I know it sounds silly that I seem so lovesick and forlorn - but maybe it's because I once felt the warmth of a loving relationship, I miss it a lot. Many times when happy stuff happens to me, I light up but then think how nice would it be if I could have shared this happy news with someone I love. It really is an indescribable feeling. N was my best friend, but he let me down too many times, and I know I am doing the right thing this time round. 

Stay strong boy. Meanwhile, to the few viewers out there, wish me well? :/

You think that you know my heart
And you probably do 
So I’m always with you 
I could stay with you for hours 
In an empty room 
Never get bored 
Never have nothing to do 

You’re my other half 
You’re what makes me, me 
What makes me smile 
When I fall down and can’t get back, 
get back, get back up on my feet 

You’re a beautiful thing 
We’re a beautiful thing together 
Even when the weather is low (2x) 
We can find the rainbow 
Up in the sky 
You’d say don’t you cry, it’s all gonna be alright 
That’s a beautiful thing

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Yup. This song. Nicole S is a great singer - N introduced me to her actually, post-Pussycat Dolls.

Be still, my heart. Don't break so easily. Even if you do, keep all the pieces, because you will put them all back together one day.

Here's some advice for the next one
Don't let him lead you to the dark
Don't tell him all your secrets
He'll leave you with a broken heart
He'll try and tell you that he wants you
Just to keep you on the line
And right when you're about to move on
He pulls you back in every time

Here's advice for the next one
Run, run, run
Here's advice for the next one
Run, run, run

Darling I know that you're just like me
You give your love up way too fast
But once it's gone it's gone forever
And there's no coming back from that
He's got this perfect way about him
He'll make you think that you come first
But you'll get lost in the challenge
Of trying not to get hurt

A leopard never changes its spots

N cheated on me once again, before we broke up. He told me early June he had a 'work trip' to Italy - no it was with his new guy, who honestly looks like a butch-y lesbian. The trip he had in Asia was partially with his best friend, and partially with the new guy.

While not unexpected as I had sensed something was amiss when we literally did not have sex the entire year (honestly he gives me too little credit that I can't see right through him), I can't think of anything else other than that he is a sociopath, with pathological lying tendencies. End of June he actually met up with my mom back home, and had a three-hour conversation, where after that my mom texted me 'I'm so happy for you both! N is such a sweet boy, we caught up like old friends. He told me you two are more mature now and are able to work through problems better than before.' My dad then included him as my +1 for my parents' 30th wedding anniversary dinner (Yeah, my parents are posh).

No words really. I took the morning off work and had a very long walk around the parks. I am glad I didn't go 'all in' with him this year, but still I can't shake off the feeling I wasted time on him again when everyone else told me not to.

Honestly, this is just like the first time round when he scooted off to Iceland with the first guy which led to my first break-up with him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time, now I definitely won't and can't.

I still wholeheartedly feel that I was the best thing that ever happened to his messed up life, and this was the biggest mistake he has ever made, and will ever make.

I think I will come out of all of this much stronger really. I know this wasn't a reflection of anything that I did, it was all him - he has mental issues for sure. I am in a much better place than before and a commenter told me that I should re-read my older entries to see how far I've come. I have come really far. In many ways I should be very proud of myself.

Do not worry - I will not let him back into my life again. I am meeting him for the final time tomorrow evening. I just want to leave things on a good note, and get closure, for myself. I won't allow him to explain himself; I will say I do not need it. I will wish him well, and then move on with life. I want to take the high road because in many ways, I don't want to let him think he has a hold over me.

To think he still texted me on 12th of July after I told him I wanted a break-up (because I sensed something was amiss), "I know I have thought bad things about us or you for that matter in the past and I may have had fears regarding certain aspects of you but I want you to be sure of yourself that you are a great person and I love you very much. That has never changed. Things may have blurred here and there and sometimes they get lost in translation but I have always loved you and I'll always love you. I'm excited and nervous about the future just like anyone else and I know you are too.

I hope you don't think of me in such a bad light. I don't know what the future holds for me or for us but I hope it's positive. I always used to say when there's a will there's a way. So perhaps that's what we need to focus on again in the future. I haven't called you booboo in a long time because I felt that has been tainted with bad memories but perhaps we may renew all ties again one day when I'm back in the UK because you'll forever be the booboo of my heart."

Wow. Everything he does, is completely and utterly irreconcilable.

I just hope I will not close myself out to others in the future, and that I will be able to trust men again. Honestly, honestly honestly, I am a really good catch. I am not bragging but I am smart I am funny I am ambitious I am kind, I am learning like everyone else from mistakes,  I am reasonably attractive and reasonably fit, I can sing! I enjoy life to the fullest, I am great at sex, I have a supportive loving family who more than accepts me for being gay, I come from a very comfortably well-to-do background so money won't be an issue in the future, I am honest, I am monogamous and I am so very real.

While I think I want to remain single for a little while now, I hope I will be able to meet eligible men who would see me for the goodness that I have, and treasure and cherish and value me. I know it is wrong to anchor my life on to someone else, but I yearn for the stability of a committed relationship really.

Please wish me well :/

This was all you
None of it me
You put your hands all 
Over my body and told me
Mmm... you told me you were ready
For the big one
For the big jump
I'd be your last love 
Everlasting you and me
Mmm... that was what you told me

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go 
Of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go 
Of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more