Hi blogworld. I recognise that I’m feeling a bit lost right now from pathological overthinking, so I’m going to pen down my thoughts here:
- It is uneasy for me to realise how obsessed I’ve become over the two characters that I mentioned in my earlier post. I think I was actually lovesick or infatuated in some sense – which is pretty crazy given these are fictional people. It hit me how I still have this extremely unhealthy habit of comparing my life with others and feeling despondent when I summarise for myself that I fall short of the fantasy in front of me. I look at these perfectly imperfect fictional characters and wonder why can’t I be as beautifully ‘damaged’ as them, which is pretty twisted. I seem to enjoy drama way too much, and given that my life now is relatively drama-free because of a calming sense of contentment + positive progress in most facets of my life, I now seem to have unhealthily re-surfaced insecurities e.g. why am I not as tall as these characters, why do I not have such an explosive sex life anymore, why do I not have a chiselled jaw and athleticism as these TV characters. This was the reason why I decided to deactivate my Instagram account as it is difficult for me to not feel as ‘perfect’ as these curated social media personas – even though I am 100% aware that nothing is ever as it seems, but that seems to depress me even more that if everyone is fucked up, wouldn’t it be better to be beautiful and fucked up? My thoughts ramble on and I do not know how to reconcile the inhuman amount of shallowness within me. My only hope is that such inane thoughts will pass with time. Each time I think that I have matured and grown self-assured, I find myself slipping back and wondering if I will ever make progress on this front.
- Continuing along the lines of everyone being fucked up, I have found myself deeply disturbed, yes by yet another fictional TV show – Big Little Lies. Seemingly perfect on the outside but insidiously toxic in the inside, it has made me feel a bit disconnected from human beings, if people are this sociopathic. Domestic violence, cheating, lies – they all make me profoundly sad and disheartened about life. As always, I administer pep talks to myself – ‘focus on the bright side of things; be appreciative that such deceit feels relatively distant and be happy that things are going well for myself.’ But then I second-guess myself – I’ve experienced such deceit before, my world has come crashing down both in terms of my own romantic & familial relationships, and how am I to know that history would not repeat? When things go well for me, I find that after a certain period of time when the euphoria fades, I begin thinking ‘okay, so when is everything going to explode in my face?’
- I really struggle with pessimism in periods of change. I believe I know what has triggered all these resurfaced forms of insecurities – N is going to start on his 3-year graduate programme soon and I feel like I am locked in to London for him for the next 3 years. However, I know this is simply not the case – yes, the first time I came to London I stupidly did it all because of him, but this time, I have reclaimed London for my own. However, many colleagues are quitting and moving on to brighter pastures, and once again I am fucking comparing myself life with others around me. Good god what is wrong with me, why can’t I just be so much more self-assured? I come up with all these completely stupid milestones in my head where I think to myself that if I stay in the same job for the next 3 years (meaning a total of 5), something must be wrong with me because why am I not pushing myself to advance faster career-wise by jumping ships and joining ‘better’ companies? I find that I have ‘settled’ into a good routine at work – I like what I do, I like my bosses and my team, and precisely because I feel comfortable…it makes me uncomfortable, since I’ve stupidly felt that I cannot be one of those people who stagnate in life because they’re ‘comfortable’ and therefore ‘settle.’ Fuck.
- I went to a gay party with friends recently. It was called Hard Cock Life and I absolutely hated it. In fact, I became slightly belligerent again, which is something I thought I ‘fixed.’ I guess – I need to stop thinking that things within me can be permanently ‘fixed’. I got slightly drunk and started shouting around on the streets that I hated all the gays in the party. I know why I do that. I keep trying to find my place in the gay world, but I just don’t feel like I fit in. I try to reject it, but my gay friends keep trying to bring me back into that world. When I don’t have a good time, I feel judged for not being able to be ‘chill.’ I think I cling on to fantasies like TV characters a lot because I constantly feel let down by the realities of gay culture. It’s so isolating. I remember standing in the club, everything was dark, there were men with mesh shirts and bulging muscles, men with high heels and fake lashes, everyone with faces so aloof, a completely pretentious hip-hop soundtrack, and a bubbling revulsion in me thinking ‘these are people I am supposed to relate to?’ I don’t have the answer to why my gay friends are able to enjoy all these things and I can’t. I tell myself everybody is different and I just want to live my life without mainstream gay culture, but there always just seems to be a hole that cannot be filled. It is not a sense of not being sure about my sexuality – I am comfortable telling people that I am gay and that I love appreciating the beauty of men; but I get deeply uncomfortable in these situations. Damn.
I need to tell myself to stop having these vicious cycles of pessimism.