Sunday, July 30, 2017

17 days later

Wow. So okay I'm the type of person that worries about something all the time, and when I'm not, I worry about why I'm not worrying - which makes me pretty high-strung; though I really do keep it very well hidden; most people think I am a super chill guy.

Anyway, many times my worries are totally fucking not unfounded, which sucks hah. Addressing the same pointers as my last post:
  1. Yes my HR team is horrendously, horrendously useless. They have ignored every single chaser email I've sent, so I am going to now call and pester any phone number I can find within the internal directory. Some times I truly, truly want to just automate large swathes of humanity away - seriously many people are just not even remotely intelligent enough to handle their limited jobs, why don't we just give everyone universal basic income so all the incompetent and incapable can just stay at home and you know, eat KFC, take duck-face selfies and watch Jersey Shore like they want to 24/7 anyways?

  2. I have been blocked to join the team I really want to be a part of at work by the most senior dude there, because there is a 'hiring freeze.' Well, fuck you. I moped about this for a long time, taking it personally that these assholes don't see the amount of value I bring to the firm (I am not bragging here but I am performing way above my current pay grade) but now I have zenned out.

    However, the project that I am on has become completely horrible, and my manager had such a scathing call with me, and I just lost it. I called another manager (who is like my mentor) and just told him that I can't work for this douchebag anymore - he constantly devalues my existence even though ALL evidence has pointed to the contrary that I am pivotal to my engagement (another co-worker had praised me in a group setting that I'm the best guy he has worked with in his 5 years with the firm!) and keeps trying to micro-manage me in a most excruciating and depressing way. I made a big mistake for calling this mentor AFTER DRINKING so I was tipsy as fuck and actually started swearing on the phone and erps...half-sobbing...fucccckkkk man. I always have this problem where at work (and in life I guess) I try really hard to almost appear 'non-human' and non-emotional but then everything builds up and then I just totally break lol and things get ugly lol. It's the whole being shitty about addressing feelings because I'm from an emotionally repressed culture thing all over again.

  3. I am a lucky bastard - the cheaper tickets that I was waitlisted on freed up, so now I am heading back home next week. I am really excited - it's an Indian wedding so I'll be wearing a traditional Indian outfit that I'm gonna be borrowing from a friend. Also, I need to go back home, get pampered by my parents, and re-calibrate myself...I've taken only 4 days of vacay this entire calendar year.

  4. I broke up with N. I've not spoken a word to him for hmm, maybe 2 weeks now. Every day I still semi-pine after the love that we shared before, and every day I can't seem to sleep very soundly because once again I don't get why we just can't seem to work out, but I take comfort in the fact that hey - eventually things must feel okay like how they did before, even if never fully okay, 80% okay is better than nothing. At least this time round, I feel like I've gotten more of a grip over the other aspects of my life, so I'm not really falling apart or anything, though I have cried over feeling lonely to a friend now in Seoul. I tend to seek refuge by pouring out my most intimate thoughts with friends in far-flung areas - just feels safer this way for me.

  5. Dating apps are terrible. But then again I don't know how to meet up with new gay men. London is a cesspool of gay thots who think they have loads of options of hot men around, so they never want to settle down. Fine - I over-generalize, but I recently went to a gay club and it was just shady as shit...everyone was on all sorts of drugs and there was no soul in everyone's eyes and the music was just so zombifying; there was a dark room too and I went in there out of curiosity but immediately felt that I was going to get gonorrhoea just by being in the same room - people were really fucking in what was a cramped pig sty and the smell of sex was so gross I legit wanted to vom.

    I get quite a few (not a lot) of DMs on Instagram (maybe I shouldn't leave it public...) from guys interested in me, but they've been the usual case where I don't find them attractive. However, there is a semi-potential candidate I spoke to on Tinder - while he is not the most physically attractive (plus seems to have a lot of body hair which isn't something I like), but maybe I am growing up in some ways, because I have honestly enjoyed talking to him a lot. He's Italian, same age as me, definitely quite smart, and remarkably enough, we are almost in the exact same line of work + industry focus. He's a lot more optimistic compared to my 'cautious pessimistic' nature, but yet seems to genuinely appreciate my opinions and offers his own take on things too. In short he's really respectful, but we also broke the ice because I texted him something totally embarrassing when I was drunk (I told him to come over and appreciate my body....FML... self-absorbed much...?) but he actually laughed it off and said he wouldn't mind doing that ;) Anyway - this has all just been over 2-hours of texting that's all... I'm flying off for 2 weeks and he's going back to Italy for the week after that so, we'll see how things go when we are both back in London.

  6. OK actually my body has definitely muscled up from before. The regulars in the gym have been telling me that (I feel like I was welcomed into the big boys' club), plus friends too (I've never had the phrase 'sun's out guns out' applied to me and it made me happier than I would admit to have heard it), so I am pretty happy. I'm now switching up my routine to do more 'isolation' exercises rather than the compound ones I did, because I'm vain and really just want to get more defined pecs and arms first and then I'd worry about other things like back and legs lol. 
In general, some things could be better for me in life, but overall, I am OK. I am not a namaste person at all, but seriously this has been amazing:

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Anxiety all the time...

To the anon commenter in the previous post: thanks for pointing Queer Britain out for me. I watched the series and it was really illuminating. Yes, there is so much intra-LGBT discrimination.

So this post is going to largely be the same as my previous post in terms of still feeling like shit. I feel anxious all the time. I hate uncertainty in my life. Having things in limbo is so tough to deal with. Many times though - I have built it up in my head and things aren't as bad as they seem.

  1. I'm applying for my visa extension here in Britain, but my HR department is woefully incompetent and taking forever. While this really shouldn't form a point of stress for me, given the whole Brexit thing + the fact T.May legit hates all sorts of immigrants, I think I'll only feel at ease when I actually get my extension approved...

  2. I'm moving departments at work, and so far it has been such a political thing where I have to kiss-ass with everyone and make strong but not mean reasons for why I want to transfer. It's taken a really long time, and I hate chasing up the managing partners on these things, but I want this to happen, and I will feel much better once this actually is approved...

  3. My friend's wedding is in early August back home, and I fretted way too long if I should take time off and I finally did, but now tickets are doubly expensive and I feel really crap for paying so much money. I hope the cheaper flights that I am waitlisted on will become available...

  4. N and I are horribly on the rocks, and most probably it's not going to work out again. Fuck this shit. He has his own issues to deal with and has once again dragged me down with all his self-doubt... and I really dislike the fact that he knows we work really well together and so he just wants to pause things while his job is sending him overseas for 3 months before coming back to the UK to pick things up with me again...fuck man. 

  5. I can't imagine doing the whole dating thing again. It's too horrible - so hard to sift out the good guys, and then even so, there's too much effort to play the numbers game. I really have to learn to be better at being single...but I'm nearing 30 dude...I want stability :(

  6. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why I'm growing so slowly when I've been hitting the gym pretty hard. It's slightly depressing...