I was looking through some old comments on my blog, and realised that one commenter had mentioned that I seem to be attracted to narcissistic and shallow guys. It made me think - do I like fuckboys that much?
Whenever I find someone hot and show pictures of said person to friends, they're usually like 'dude. he looks just like N.' What the fuck? Do I really have such a ... limited type?
I know I like darker-skinned, darker-haired, Middle-Eastern/Mediterranean-looking type of guys. I'm not sure if it's because after I dated N, that's what became of my type (S was Dutch, but quite tanned and had dark hair) - his type has certainly transformed to only Asian guys when before he hardly dated any Asians.
I'm trying to be less shallow. It is difficult. I am a very visual person. I showed a picture of this guy that I met up with when I went back home in Asia (only guy I met up with from the dating apps...) to a few friends today, and they commented that he looks like the pretty boy, 'model-ish good looks' sort of guy. He's also yet another youngling - a tender age of 24. We did get along very well though, and I did find him cute (and thankfully he found me cute too - he texted me that), and he actually studies in the UK so we did say we would meet up again but alarm bells started ringing when he said he has one more year of university + he wants to go into Public Relations upon graduation.
I really should not date such younglings anymore. He hasn't graduated! Though he took one year off to work (placement year). But PR is also a very frivolous sector to be in. He spoke about going around to fancy hotels and fashion events for business development purposes.
All of this has really gotten me to re-evaluate the way I go about dating. Perhaps I should go about dating less with my eyes (and dick) and more with my brain & heart - if that makes sense. I downloaded OkCupid, because there are a lot more contextual portions to a profile rather than the usual dating app suspects, plus this nifty thing where you answer 'match questions' that have fixed multiple choices, and you choose your answer, and fill in acceptable answers of your potential partner too.
These questions have been a thorough source of entertainment for me. There are several categories, and for example, a Dating question was: Do you strongly prefer to date someone of your own ethnic/racial background? I put down No, and my potential partner to be a No too. When I see a profile that says Yes, I swipe left. Lol.
Some questions are fucking invasive and hilarious. A Sex question was like: Would you comply with your partner's request to urinate on him? Yes / No. Like, what the actual fuck? Even if I were to have a penchant for golden showers, I doubt I will admit that readily on a pretty public platform.
Some other questions are oh-my-god mind-blowing, when I see the answers from others. An Other question was: Why do birds not get electrocuted when they sit on electrical wires? I chose the one that said "because they are not touching anything else" which was the closest answer to being that they aren't touching the floor, or another wire with a different electric potential, hence current wouldn't flow through them. I saw a dude's answer was: "They do get electrocuted, but they express their pain poorly."
Fuck off. LOL. You must be trolling. This is basic basic physics. Another 'Other' question was: Do apes and human beings come from the same ancestors? I saw someone actually reply a "No." I was mindblown at how incredibly thick some people were. It was highly amusing.
Anyway, in the same vein of how I always become too obsessive about anything that I do in life, I answered 300 of these 'match questions', and my 'personality' compared to the average gay male my age is as follows:
Well, being extremely impolite is no surprise there - I can't hold my tongue at all hah. Especially compared to most Brits who are just so... oddly placid in everything they do.
I digress. Essentially, I try to look less at people's photos, and look at their open-ended answers to questions like 'Six things you cannot live without' and the multiple-choice answers to the match questions too. I have learned so much about human beings and their inner thoughts. Hah! Technology is wonderful.
I definitely attract Americans quite a lot. Almost 60% of those who reach out to me are American. I kind of feel like...I need to go back to America, find a boy, kidnap him, and drag him to London, because I'd rather live here than NYC/SF.
I also have been trying, very actively, to ignore my attraction to the younger supple variety. Older men I tell myself, older men have two feet on the ground and heads below the clouds. Yet it is difficult to not be attracted to youth - at my friend's birthday party today many who attended were surprised to find out that I'm 29, as they thought I was the same age as them all (23).
Oddly when I was 23 I looked 18. When I was 20, I looked 15. Not bragging - but I have really young and smooth complexion. I have no clue why. Other than the cysts which I had (may be due to shitty karmic accumulation) though all that remain of them are not-so-visible scars, I don't have blemishes not just on my face, but also all over my body. It is odd. I think this is because I have a lot of residual baby fat and collagen to keep a youthful appearance. I hope this lasts for a long, long time.
Randomly, here are some fitness progress pictures. Man. Compared to a few years back, I grew muscles. Wow. It is quite exciting indeed.
This back picture was taken by some dude who came over to ahem, blow me. He told me that my back is muscular and sexy and I said that my ex (which was N) once told me that I have no back muscles at all (in N's defence he seemed to like me being quite meaty), and this dude was like 'no way, let me take a picture for you, so you can see for yourself'. And he told me to flex and it felt a bit porno looking, but okay, I guess it doesn't matter much when a few moments ago I face-fucked him and he swallowed my cum which I swore I was shooting straight to the back of his throat.
Speaking of the above hookup, I explained to a friend, L (mentioned previously), that quite a few of my hookups involve me just laying there while the other guy 'services' me and I don't even really touch the other guy that much. This is actually because...I don't find the other guy attractive, but we struck up pretty good conversations, and then the other person would want more, but I don't, but I still get raging hard whenever someone caresses me. L told me he has rarely had such hookups like that, as he needs to be attracted to the other guy too.
It got me feeling a bit discouraged, because L gets a lot more sex and non-sexual dates than me, and he's shown me a few of his dates, and I find them attractive too. L is definitely more successful than me when it comes to this arena... I wonder if it's because people assume that I am a fuckboy. I won't lie - I use a shirtless pic on Grindr, and for Tinder and OkCupid, my shirtless pic is the second pic in the carousel. L does not post shirtless pictures of himself. He tells me it's because he doesn't have a good body, and while yes he doesn't have a six pack and isn't lean, he isn't unfit and he still looks quite sexy without a shirt on. Do shirtless pics serve as a signal that the uploader is a fuckboy, and is best swiped left? I have no clue...
The other thing is: I am painfully horny nowadays. I love the gym in my apartment. I went into the locker room today and saw this guy drying his trunks in that swirling machine thingamajig, while completely naked. Oh my god. I've seen him around and he is totally adorable, Italian, light body fuzz, nice muscles, and the last piece in the puzzle...he has such a scrumptious uncut dick. It was so thick even while soft/semi-soft and I straight up just stared at it. He also has a very nice round butt and honestly, I want to top a guy, but it needs to be a pretty muscular guy like this fine specimen I'm describing now. He also has such puppy eyes. Love love. And a cute Italian accent, as he called out to his other friend, who may or may not be his lover, who also was towelling himself naked, and also has a nice body and a nice dick, however, this guy has an unattractive face.
I've also been spending a lot of time with L recently. He's a good friend. He's 24, starting his first job soon, and was seeing a boy for 3 months but then that guy went abroad for the summer and almost immediately L downloaded all the apps. He told me he feels like he is young and still wants to explore and not settle down right now. It was odd hearing this from a friend, because I was fine and agreeable with what he said, but then thought that N probably thought the same way about me, and it made me livid.
L has never had a relationship longer than 3 months. Before me, N dated a guy for a year, but that didn't really count tbh, because he said they were long-distance-ish for quite a few of those months. It made me really think, fuck, I need to date an older man.
But it's nice to have L around. In many ways we are on similar wavelengths. We've slept over at each other's places quite a few times now. He's also quite attractive actually. We went to use the pool in my gym, and he was showering, and the glass panel is basically translucent. I was waiting for him to be done because that was the only free stall, but I saw a silhouette of his dick, and him playing with it a little. Now usually, I try to be very well-behaved around friends and not violate their privacy, but his dick looked pretty big and my eyes were glued, and I definitely had a hard-on. In fact some times when we were in bed together, we would talk about some sexual fantasies or previous experiences, and I would just be in my undies, and I would jokingly tell him that I'm hard now and he should jerk me off.
I know nothing would happen between us because he has told me before that he friendzones friends and can't see anything sexual about them, though he has told me before, by looking at my photos, 'oh you look really hot here!' Still, I need to banish thoughts of hooking up with him, because we have a good solid friend group going on, and I don't want to risk anything. Plus, I am pretty sure this is a manifestation of me just being so horny that I start thinking sexual thoughts about my most attractive friend in the nearest proximity to me.
Randomly, I was with L when a drag queen dressed in a totally glittery nun's outfit held my hand and dragged me into a sex shop to try poppers, because I told her I've never tried one before. L didn't want to try it. I took a big sniff, because YOLO I guess. It smelled like sucking in helium from a very rubbery balloon. I immediately felt so warm, and so heavy, it definitely felt like I was drunk. It lasted for about 10 seconds, but I was quite out of it during those 10 seconds, and after that I decided I wouldn't use poppers again - such a strange odd sensation.
But in all honesty, I get very few leads from the dating / hookup apps...there is only so much I can do with my hands. Gah.