Nowadays, whenever I have lunch or dinner, I watch lots of YouTube videos around 'psychology' e.g.
I watch video after video by clicking Next each time and actually, many are rather illuminating. I wonder if my baseline happiness is pretty low to begin with, and no matter what I do in life, I'd just remain at my baseline of being 'a bit' unhappy.
It has been fantastic being home. It was really nice to go to my friend's wedding - I loved being Desi for a day - I wore a traditional Indian suit for the first day, and for the second I wore a nice fitted suit with a bow-tie. If I could say so myself, I felt that I looked handsome on both days, and that made me smile that finally I can look in the mirror and think 'Hey! That person staring back is quite a looker really!' In front of most people I act as if I'm really confident almost cocky even, but for most of my life, inside I find it really hard to accept how I look. That night I got really drunk from the open bar - I made it home but I texted multiple guys, all who've told me they find me attractive, that I'm 'ugly as shit' and they should find someone else hotter. I don't get why I do such things... it scares me that it could be because I am trying to fish for compliments from people I know would give them to me? Which further stems from yearning for external validation because I still can't seem to truly like how I look.
I feel really frustrated with my mind because for certain things I am almost disgustingly rational and heartless, but for some other things I am woefully irrational. I've 'told' myself a million times, and I apply this to others too, that looks aren't everything - that I have a lot of other redeeming qualities like my sense of humour, the way I light up a room, that I can sing and 'entertain', that I'm sharp and analytical - but I still constantly am dissatisfied with the way I look. I really don't get it. I think less of the people who are 'shallow' - hot but dumb basically, but yet, secretly I wish I was one of those people? Being dumb is much much easier to fly through life and just being able to cognitively ignore and give zero fucks in life lol. But I know I am also too prideful to ever want to dumb myself down...I have to also 'feel' cognitively superior to people around.
And objectively there is no way I am considered an unattractive person + my external 'mask' of being so cocky makes it really hard for me to open up to close friends or, basically anyone, that I have such low self-esteem around my looks. I've told this to people before and they're like 'nonsense! banish such thoughts' I wish I could...
All this is from a very irrational fear of being unwanted. Many people would say I am an extremely extroverted person with many, many friends, but not the superfluous sort of friendships because I have 'deep' conversations with many, and regularly catch up with them. But yet, when I want to do some things in life that I enjoy - like taking a romantic stroll down the Thames, going on holidays to unexplored parts of the world, even cuddling...I get really sad that I don't have anyone to turn to. The truth is, this year I'm going back home for yet another 4 weeks is because I don't have anyone to go on vacation with. I always excitedly bring it up with friends, but they seem to have social circles that somehow have already made vacay plans together, and I'm not really in those circles. I start fearing that my friends secretly dislike being with me for extended periods of time, because I am 'too much to handle.'
I know this stems from my younger middle/high school days...I was always viewed as a 'strange' person, for constantly taunting my teachers, being cavalier about academics, and laughing too loudly and joking around too much. In my strait-laced environment growing up, I was told off by my peers to reel it in and stop being so 'disruptive' - of course teachers told me the same. I have tried very hard to calibrate myself somewhat throughout the years (I disagree with the 'Be yourself!' advice because sometimes 'yourself' is a total dickhead with zero social decorum and it is STILL advisable to try and at least not veer all the way off-course) but it is difficult. I know however, I am a difficult person too. I am stubborn, quick-tempered, and easily provoked.
Some times I fear that this is what I miss most about having N - having someone that was 'mine' - someone that has 'contractually' said that I am favoured (by one person), and I am not too much to handle. Evidently, he has fucked this contract up multiple times, but I keep pining after something that may not be there anymore. I don't know. He texted me saying 'I miss my best friend.' It is so terrible when he does things like this, because I know he is sincere, and I know he is equally confused like me as to why we keep failing at working out, but I was enraged, because my mind started flooding more with thoughts about him again.
I terribly miss cuddles man. And, honestly, god I feel so gross saying this though I know I shouldn't because it's err normal I guess, but I miss bottoming. I want to sit on top of a hot dude and ride his dick and watch his eyes rove around my body and then see his eyes land on his dick and my ass going up and down on it. Yet, I've serious issues with anal sex. Basically, other than bottoming for <3 minutes with 2 other one-night stands, I've only had anal sex with N. My ex-therapist told me that this isn't normal, that I mentally can't accept being fucked by another guy other than N. It's not entirely true because I did have sex with some dude last December and it was pretty hot because I did cum all over myself, but I could be having so much more sex. I've not had sex for 8 months now. Holy fuck.
One of my biggest fears is getting an STD. The other is that the more I bottom, the more feel I cheapen myself. I don't like the idea that my hole has been fucked by loads of dudes - I want to be as hot as a fuck-boy but not actually be one, I guess. I also really want to top someone - many bottoms have asked me to fuck them, and oddly when I'm drunk I tell people I want to stick my dick in them, but yet I have performance anxiety when I actually am supposed to top. I wasted two condoms once on this dude because I would get hard when he was sucking me off, then the condom slips on and I'm still hard, but then I go near his asshole and I go soft. And it frustrates me to think that this seems to be telling me that I am a 'pure bottom' because I don't want to miss out on the pleasures of topping...
I know my performance anxiety stems also from me feeling really insecure about the size of my schlong... I know people say things like 'it's not about the size but how you use it' and I've also had people tell me before that they really like my penis because it's just 'pretty to look at', but recently some ex-classmate dude visited London (he's gay but having an arranged marriage to a woman because they're both from rich families sheesh...) and we got really drunk and he started to strip me and as he jerked me off he told me "Oh you're small just like me" and I got so offended. And he told me "Why are you so offended? So what if it's small? It's still nice, it's just small." And I lost it.
Anyway, man. I am a person who is really constantly riddled with so many insecurities. Another insecurity I have is...that somehow someone would be able to trace this blog to my real identity and expose all the seriously vulnerable and unfiltered thoughts I have. I have thought on a few occasions now to delete this whole thing, but I do get the occasional comment that someone out there relates to what I'm writing.
My entries have no introduction, and no conclusion, so I shall end here.