Tuesday, August 29, 2017

I was busy thinkin bout fuckboys

I was looking through some old comments on my blog, and realised that one commenter had mentioned that I seem to be attracted to narcissistic and shallow guys. It made me think - do I like fuckboys that much?

Whenever I find someone hot and show pictures of said person to friends, they're usually like 'dude. he looks just like N.' What the fuck? Do I really have such a ... limited type?

I know I like darker-skinned, darker-haired, Middle-Eastern/Mediterranean-looking type of guys. I'm not sure if it's because after I dated N, that's what became of my type (S was Dutch, but quite tanned and had dark hair) - his type has certainly transformed to only Asian guys when before he hardly dated any Asians. 

I'm trying to be less shallow. It is difficult. I am a very visual person. I showed a picture of this guy that I met up with when I went back home in Asia (only guy I met up with from the dating apps...) to a few friends today, and they commented that he looks like the pretty boy, 'model-ish good looks' sort of guy. He's also yet another youngling - a tender age of 24. We did get along very well though, and I did find him cute (and thankfully he found me cute too - he texted me that), and he actually studies in the UK so we did say we would meet up again but alarm bells started ringing when he said he has one more year of university + he wants to go into Public Relations upon graduation.

I really should not date such younglings anymore. He hasn't graduated! Though he took one year off to work (placement year). But PR is also a very frivolous sector to be in. He spoke about going around to fancy hotels and fashion events for business development purposes. 

All of this has really gotten me to re-evaluate the way I go about dating. Perhaps I should go about dating less with my eyes (and dick) and more with my brain & heart - if that makes sense. I downloaded OkCupid, because there are a lot more contextual portions to a profile rather than the usual dating app suspects, plus this nifty thing where you answer 'match questions' that have fixed multiple choices, and you choose your answer, and fill in acceptable answers of your potential partner too.

These questions have been a thorough source of entertainment for me. There are several categories, and for example, a Dating question was: Do you strongly prefer to date someone of your own ethnic/racial background? I put down No, and my potential partner to be a No too. When I see a profile that says Yes, I swipe left. Lol.

Some questions are fucking invasive and hilarious. A Sex question was like: Would you comply with your partner's request to urinate on him? Yes / No. Like, what the actual fuck? Even if I were to have a penchant for golden showers, I doubt I will admit that readily on a pretty public platform. 

Some other questions are oh-my-god mind-blowing, when I see the answers from others. An Other question was: Why do birds not get electrocuted when they sit on electrical wires? I chose the one that said "because they are not touching anything else" which was the closest answer to being that they aren't touching the floor, or another wire with a different electric potential, hence current wouldn't flow through them. I saw a dude's answer was: "They do get electrocuted, but they express their pain poorly."

Fuck off. LOL. You must be trolling. This is basic basic physics. Another 'Other' question was: Do apes and human beings come from the same ancestors? I saw someone actually reply a "No." I was mindblown at how incredibly thick some people were. It was highly amusing.

Anyway, in the same vein of how I always become too obsessive about anything that I do in life, I answered 300 of these 'match questions', and my 'personality' compared to the average gay male my age is as follows: 

Well, being extremely impolite is no surprise there - I can't hold my tongue at all hah. Especially compared to most Brits who are just so... oddly placid in everything they do. 

I digress. Essentially, I try to look less at people's photos, and look at their open-ended answers to questions like 'Six things you cannot live without' and the multiple-choice answers to the match questions too. I have learned so much about human beings and their inner thoughts. Hah! Technology is wonderful. 

I definitely attract Americans quite a lot. Almost 60% of those who reach out to me are American. I kind of feel like...I need to go back to America, find a boy, kidnap him, and drag him to London, because I'd rather live here than NYC/SF. 

I also have been trying, very actively, to ignore my attraction to the younger supple variety. Older men I tell myself, older men have two feet on the ground and heads below the clouds. Yet it is difficult to not be attracted to youth - at my friend's birthday party today many who attended were surprised to find out that I'm 29, as they thought I was the same age as them all (23). 

Oddly when I was 23 I looked 18. When I was 20, I looked 15. Not bragging - but I have really young and smooth complexion. I have no clue why. Other than the cysts which I had (may be due to shitty karmic accumulation) though all that remain of them are not-so-visible scars, I don't have blemishes not just on my face, but also all over my body. It is odd. I think this is because I have a lot of residual baby fat and collagen to keep a youthful appearance. I hope this lasts for a long, long time.

Randomly, here are some fitness progress pictures. Man. Compared to a few years back, I grew muscles. Wow. It is quite exciting indeed. 

This back picture was taken by some dude who came over to ahem, blow me. He told me that my back is muscular and sexy and I said that my ex (which was N) once told me that I have no back muscles at all (in N's defence he seemed to like me being quite meaty), and this dude was like 'no way, let me take a picture for you, so you can see for yourself'. And he told me to flex and it felt a bit porno looking, but okay, I guess it doesn't matter much when a few moments ago I face-fucked him and he swallowed my cum which I swore I was shooting straight to the back of his throat.

Speaking of the above hookup, I explained to a friend, L (mentioned previously), that quite a few of my hookups involve me just laying there while the other guy 'services' me and I don't even really touch the other guy that much. This is actually because...I don't find the other guy attractive, but we struck up pretty good conversations, and then the other person would want more, but I don't, but I still get raging hard whenever someone caresses me. L told me he has rarely had such hookups like that, as he needs to be attracted to the other guy too.

It got me feeling a bit discouraged, because L gets a lot more sex and non-sexual dates than me, and he's shown me a few of his dates, and I find them attractive too. L is definitely more successful than me when it comes to this arena... I wonder if it's because people assume that I am a fuckboy. I won't lie - I use a shirtless pic on Grindr, and for Tinder and OkCupid, my shirtless pic is the second pic in the carousel. L does not post shirtless pictures of himself. He tells me it's because he doesn't have a good body, and while yes he doesn't have a six pack and isn't lean, he isn't unfit and he still looks quite sexy without a shirt on. Do shirtless pics serve as a signal that the uploader is a fuckboy, and is best swiped left? I have no clue...

The other thing is: I am painfully horny nowadays. I love the gym in my apartment. I went into the locker room today and saw this guy drying his trunks in that swirling machine thingamajig, while completely naked. Oh my god. I've seen him around and he is totally adorable, Italian, light body fuzz, nice muscles, and the last piece in the puzzle...he has such a scrumptious uncut dick. It was so thick even while soft/semi-soft and I straight up just stared at it. He also has a very nice round butt and honestly, I want to top a guy, but it needs to be a pretty muscular guy like this fine specimen I'm describing now. He also has such puppy eyes. Love love. And a cute Italian accent, as he called out to his other friend, who may or may not be his lover, who also was towelling himself naked, and also has a nice body and a nice dick, however, this guy has an unattractive face.

I've also been spending a lot of time with L recently. He's a good friend. He's 24, starting his first job soon, and was seeing a boy for 3 months but then that guy went abroad for the summer and almost immediately L downloaded all the apps. He told me he feels like he is young and still wants to explore and not settle down right now. It was odd hearing this from a friend, because I was fine and agreeable with what he said, but then thought that N probably thought the same way about me, and it made me livid.

L has never had a relationship longer than 3 months. Before me, N dated a guy for a year, but that didn't really count tbh, because he said they were long-distance-ish for quite a few of those months. It made me really think, fuck, I need to date an older man.

But it's nice to have L around. In many ways we are on similar wavelengths. We've slept over at each other's places quite a few times now. He's also quite attractive actually. We went to use the pool in my gym, and he was showering, and the glass panel is basically translucent. I was waiting for him to be done because that was the only free stall, but I saw a silhouette of his dick, and him playing with it a little. Now usually, I try to be very well-behaved around friends and not violate their privacy, but his dick looked pretty big and my eyes were glued, and I definitely had a hard-on. In fact some times when we were in bed together, we would talk about some sexual fantasies or previous experiences, and I would just be in my undies, and I would jokingly tell him that I'm hard now and he should jerk me off.

I know nothing would happen between us because he has told me before that he friendzones friends and can't see anything sexual about them, though he has told me before, by looking at my photos, 'oh you look really hot here!' Still, I need to banish thoughts of hooking up with him, because we have a good solid friend group going on, and I don't want to risk anything. Plus, I am pretty sure this is a manifestation of me just being so horny that I start thinking sexual thoughts about my most attractive friend in the nearest proximity to me.

Randomly, I was with L when a drag queen dressed in a totally glittery nun's outfit held my hand and dragged me into a sex shop to try poppers, because I told her I've never tried one before. L didn't want to try it. I took a big sniff, because YOLO I guess. It smelled like sucking in helium from a very rubbery balloon. I immediately felt so warm, and so heavy, it definitely felt like I was drunk. It lasted for about 10 seconds, but I was quite out of it during those 10 seconds, and after that I decided I wouldn't use poppers again - such a strange odd sensation.

But in all honesty, I get very few leads from the dating / hookup apps...there is only so much I can do with my hands. Gah.

Sunday, August 27, 2017


26th August was supposed to be our 4th year anniversary. I winced a lot when Facebook reminded me of that with its 'On This Day' memories - there was a very adorable picture of us at the Peak in Hong Kong with the brilliant skyline in the background, along with a relationship status update.

I think my stance on social media has changed drastically. I am an insanely active social media user, but I try very hard not to get addicted to the 'validation' etc., but I believe for my future relationships I will keep everything very private. I have this sinking feeling that many people were waiting for N and I to fail (especially after talking to a friend who is always bitter about life, cynical, and honestly just not a good person for me to be around) because I publicised our happy pictures a lot on social media. Another friend in fact told me he unfollowed my updates because it got too annoying for him.

This is why I am going through yet another period of consolidation in my life. I have deactivated my social media accounts, and shall re-evaluate the people that I have around me. I like these periods to be honest - it feels very liberating and that I'm 'in control' though I still acknowledge I wouldn't be able to go forever without social media.

I spoke to a counsellor over the phone because I wanted someone to talk to, but honestly fear opening up to my friends about the complicated history I've had with N. I fear being judged so much - I fear that people think that I was so stupid to have given him another chance as they had vehemently advised me not to, and so this was my just desserts.

I think I will start seeing a therapist again, just for a few sessions. Gain some more clarity, and hopefully have a more positive outlook on life at the end of it. I have been talking to a few friends - the ones that now have become very precious to me, and many of them have admitted to me that it is hard for them to fully relate to because they've never loved someone as evidently as I have. I asked if they have ever felt so happy that you'd want to be the best version of yourself for another, that you're always slapping yourself (metaphorically) wondering how did you get so lucky?

One friend said no he hasn't, but wants me to realise that I did not get lucky with N - N was very lucky with me instead. I guess that is true.

I feel oddly quite calm though. I had a few days of feeling very sorry for myself - thinking that I am so stupid, thinking that I am now very old (I am turning 29) and have wasted my prime years on a relationship that didn't work out. I also hate the judgement from friends who say it was 'doomed to fail' - I feel like it makes it sound as if I was so blindly infatuated by N. No I wasn't! Or maybe I was, who knows.

Regardless, life is quite pleasant right now. This new version of myself is handling things remarkably better than the old version. I have a solid (small) bunch of friends in London who I really can rely on and that's great really. The below is very judgemental I have to firstly disclaim, and would be very unpopular but these are my unfiltered thoughts. I am focusing more on the negatives below.

I have given myself two mini-goals to accomplish for the second-half of this year - one was to go out of my comfort zone and do more 'gay' things and meet more gay people, two was to try out yoga.

One: I have a small group of gay Asian friends here and it was so sad that one has left to do his MBA in the US. Now down to just 3 of us, we still meet up very regularly and I love them all to bits because they're always so funny but reliable and sensible too. I went with one of them, L, to meet with his gay friend in a gay bar in Clapppppham. I was quite excited to go because I've never really been around that area before. I've heard it is where young people hang out, and it's a lot less 'artificial' and 'organic' as some people might say, compared to Soho or Mayfair.

The thing is, and this is only something I shall admit on my anonymous blog, I am not sure why I am so judgemental myself (maybe insecure people judge others more?), but I abhorred everything and everyone in that bar. Stepping out of my comfort zone is incredibly frustrating and some times I feel like it's not worth it at all. I learned nothing there. I enjoyed nothing. Everyone looked filthy, cheap, overly hirsute, unkempt, unfit, and there were so many insanely insanely attention-seeking divas around. There was a drag show going on, but on the dance floor, some guys were being so fucking slutty with the way they gyrated I wanted to throw up. The drag queens were also not remotely funny at all. Come on. If you want to be sassy, at least do something other than the trite ' I'm a queen and I will be bitchy' shit - zero fucking humour and the costumes were outrageously Primark-esque. The number of actually obese men in the club, also turned me off so much. I get how I will never fully understand the inner 'demons' that other people have, so being a bit paunchy is fine if one simply doesn't care that much about physical appearance, or doesn't know how to eat that healthily, but when you are straight up BMI>30, I feel like these people have lost all self-respect. It's clearly a cry out to the world that they feel insecure about something that has either happened in their childhood days, or something else, and they turn to food for comfort. And they can't stop. So, why not seek help???

I find it very fucking annoying that so many people seem largely very contented with the status quo of their lives, and have very little agency to improve on anything. This is unpopular and racist, but I feel that way for many Caucasians, many seem totally fine with never achieving much in their lives. Equally on the opposite end of the spectrum, Asians are way too fucking self-punishing, materialistic, career-driven and almost dead in the inside. I've had this controversial discussion with a previous therapist before and she was so unkind with my unkind words, telling me that I am hiding with a thirst to feel superior to the others around me.

What is wrong with that? Are humans all really equal? I don't think so. I don't want my life to stagnate. I want to constantly do better than before. I also want to learn to be more appreciative and stop and smell the proverbial flowers from time to time. But what is wrong with trying to be better?

Ultimately I know I want to build something. I want to build an empire. It doesn't have to be a big one, but I want to have something that I can call my own but also be able to help people, because as selfish as all the above sounds, I do still want to do good for other people. In fact, I am almost positive I want to either work or start my own healthtech start-up in the future.

But I was really just so shocked by the people in the bar. The friends that L's friend brought along - one works as a waiter. He was the campiest of the lot - pretending as if he was channelling pre-breakdown Britney Spears the entire night. Also, what the fuck? The club played such shit music - it was such stereotypical gay hits like Cher, Britney, etc. Clearly for old people too. How about some of the newer pop songs at least if wanting to keep with the theme? Katy Perry? Taylor Swift? None. This waiter dude also pounded so, so many tequila shots that night and after each shot he would raise his hand up and did a 'Woohoo!' like he was being filmed on RuPauls' show.

I left everyone without saying bye. I just felt so much disdain for people - with the silly meaninglessness of it all. The more-feminine-than-girls gyrating, the non-funny bitchiness of the drag queens, the lack of hot men, the copious amounts of cheap shots people were drinking. Everything felt so empty. I came out of the club and looked around - streets looked nasty - I definitely am a snob; I mean I didn't know I was going out that night and so I had worn nice clothes which I didn't want anyone to spill anything on so that added on to my frustration. I have been told by acquaintances I am too uptight, and that I should enjoy more 'meaningless' things because they have a part in our lives too, but fuck it.

I can't dude. I can't. I am the type of person who loves my designer clothes, eating at fancy restaurants with 8-courses, flying business class, driving sports cars, but yet I do not like the arrogance of many who enjoy these similar things with me. That was the problem I had with my grad school-mates; we had a few who came from billionaire families or those with 100s of millions in terms of trust funds, but they were all insufferably un-grounded. They also all came from horribly broken families, because too much money inevitably divides people.

I think I have to surrender soon to the fact that while I am honestly a very sociable person, I am not made to have many friends. I have to be cautious not to feel lonely however, loneliness is a terrible thing that I would not wish upon anyone, even those that I judged harshly as above.

I was also discussing this with my gay Asian group - and I was surprised to find out that many didn't want to date someone who was 'similar' to them. This came about because I jokingly said if I could clone myself and just change a bit of my physical appearance, I would totally date that clone. One said no way, he only wants to be with someone who was hot but hopelessly dumb (I can't be around dumb people), so he could keep the guy more as a 'kept man' / trophy husband kind of thing. Another said he needed someone else to take over everything and he wouldn't mind being the person to stay at home and not do much, but on a physical level, he likes the other guy to be a lot hairier than him (I don't like body hair). Another said I should learn to be like him, and have a very low sex drive and desire for relationships (I am insatiably horny).

People want very different things from life. I acknowledge that a lot and so many times after judging people harshly I readily admit that I don't have the same worldview as them.

I really do hope that one day I'd find someone who would have a similar worldview as me, the way N did too (the old N at least).

Two: Yoga. The Namaste lifestyle seems absolutely bullshit to me. Most people do it to pat themselves on the back and make themselves feel spiritually superior to others around them. But I wanted to drop my cynicism and give what many basic bitches 'swear by' a chance. I watched a clip online and did it at home:

Firstly, this thumbnail is really fucking hot. He also has such a nice soothing tone to his voice but unfortunately he did not do all his exercises in the buff. Though I guess if he did, I would have had a raging erection throughout. However, yoga is holy shit difficult. Also, I kept laughing at his descriptions 'push your navel to the sky' like, is that even seriously possible? My navel is my navel how do I push it to the sky? Or when my hands are already fully outstretched he's like 'reach higher, and higher' uhm what? Any higher and I would have to dislodge my limbs.

SMH. It still feels a bit pretentious to me, especially how he says some Yogic phrase at the end of some special stances, but I'll give this a try again for sure. He's hot and for now, I rather fantasise about hot men over the net rather than in real life. Real life hot men are jerks. Lol.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Once upon a dream

I was shivering and my hands were really cold, and there was a constant squeeze around my heart; I was going to meet N in about 15 minutes. I wore a suit because I wanted to feel confident and look handsome, and I saw him sitting there in the coffee shop I told him to meet me at, as handsome as he has always been, and I recited to myself under my breath once again, "Be strong. Be strong. Be strong."

He told me I looked handsome in my suit. He asked about my life. I asked him why did he want to meet. He said because we haven't seen each other for a while now. I had been practising my speech for two days now, and so I told him what I had to say. As pathetic as it may seem, I wrote down what I wanted to say and emailed it to myself and I actually did cover all of the below when I spoke to him:

"Honestly, I don't need to hear any of that. It doesn’t even matter to me anymore. You see, regardless of however you want to explain it, it’s not right. What you did to me, it was not right at all. You let me down, majorly actually. No one with a heart would do this to someone they say they care about. And this isn’t even the first time. You can argue it’s different circumstances this time round, but the actions are the same. You were unable to be honest with me. You lied again. So reminiscent with the case with G in the past. You went cold on me, then began messaging someone else, developing feelings, and then going on a trip with the person while lying to me about the nature of the trip. Previously it was Iceland, now it was Italy. Asia now too. You told me Italy was a work trip, and for Asia you’d just be with W (his best female friend). They weren’t truths again."

"What was the worst about all this was the fact that after your Italy trip, and after spending time with the boy in Asia, you met up with my mom. I have learned to deal with the unnecessary drama between both of us, but I did not want at all for my parents to be dragged into this mess. After you met with my mom, she was so so happy for me and for us. She was really rooting so hard for us. She told me you told her we are both more mature and can handle problems far better than before. My dad was so happy he added you as a +1 for my brother’s wedding. The thing about my parents, they let people in wholeheartedly. That was how I was raised too and that is how I am. And you can betray me that’s fine, but doing that to my parents, giving them such a false illusion, is really not cool at all. It is terrible."

"Anyway, I am not here to demonise you. I know you have rationalised this all to yourself – you’re young, you’re not sure what you want, you’re not ready to commit. Those are all excuses. Young is being 16. My siblings are 1 year older than you and they would never do what you did to me to their partners. But anyway, I am glad about two things."

"One. We honestly had really great memories, especially early on. Not even the big things like watching ballet, or travelling the world together. The small little things like marathoning GoT in my room and both of us getting so obsessed with Khaleesi. Or listening to a song (I linked it above) and separately thinking oh wow this could be our wedding song. It was definitely fairy-tale like and I see many of my friends and their partners and few seem to have reached the level of bliss and contentment I felt early on in our relationship. I never knew I could love someone so much and that is such a beautiful thing I will cherish forever and I know I will be able to find that again in the future."

"Two. I never knew I could be so strong to stand up and pick up the pieces after being really torn apart and hit rock-bottom. I have become so independent, so self-assured, I really like the new me so very much. I have a lot of clarity about what I want and who I am as a person and I have learned so much from all my mistakes and this new version of me is something that I am so utterly proud of."

"But at the end of the day you have severely disappointed me. I want to clear up one thing: your texts to me about our fairy tale never ending, or when there’s a will there’s a way – these are simply not true; our fairy tale ended a long time ago. I struggled for so long clinging on to it, really hoping it would work out and not letting it go, but I have a lot of clarity now. There is no way we would ever be together again. I didn’t want it to be this way, but choices were made from your actions, and what's done is done. I can't trust you at all, not even as a friend."

"We shouldn’t see each other again. You should not do what you did to me with your new guy – talking to other guys behind his back. Treat him better than you treated me. Never treat someone in the future the way you treated me, intentionally or not."

He cried so much. I was oddly calm, and very strong. He told me he will not try and explain anything, because it would be misconstrued by me as him being defensive. He mentioned, as he always does, something cryptic about shit really hitting the fan regarding his family issues (I believe his dad wanted to actually kill or kidnap me - fucking insane Middle Easterners), but then he stopped, and told me he is very sorry about everything. Finally - he was honest. He told me this really was all his fault, and if he could, he would go back in time and do it all over again. I told him it was pointless to think about that because what's done is really done. 

He nodded, and told me that he is really proud and happy for me that I've become so strong and stable. He said that as much as I might not believe him, all he wanted was for me to be happy, but he has not been himself for years now, and he is sorry to have dragged me along with all his issues. He said that he has never loved anyone as much as he loved me, and that we grew up together (in many ways that is true - I met him when he was only 20, and now he's 25), and that he will always be so thankful that I walked into his life. 

I said something quite mean here. I told him that there has been so many lies in our relationship, I am hearing what you are saying, but I don't know you anymore, and I don't know if I can believe what you're saying. He nodded and said he understood, but hopes I know he is telling the truth.

We then left and he wanted a hug. I told him, "I don't think we need to hug" and he let out an involuntary insulted 'okay fine' and turned away. I walked away too, and didn't look back.

I went to the gym after, and mid-break in between pec fly sets, I looked through my saved album of our photos on my iPhone. I started crying. In all honesty, I loved this man so fiercely and really with all of my heart. Even with all the hurt that I've been through, I too never meant to hurt him, not even after he hurt me. Part of me even wondered if I was being too harsh on him today to not even hug - which is silly since he has a new fuckboy and I should hate his guts.

But I really don't. I guess, I can't help my feelings but my love for him was a lot more selfless than I ever imagined for myself, an otherwise extremely selfish guy. I absolutely hate it when some older friends dismiss me and say 'oh this is just young love, it didn't mean much.' Fuck off. Yes we are young, but it doesn't make this any less real. But this breakup time round I am so different than about 20 months ago when I first broke up with him - I have my own beautiful apartment, I enjoy work as a whole, I have a really good support system of friends to rely on. I am a lot more independent too. So I take comfort in that, things can't ever be as bad as before. There is so much for me to be thankful for, and so much for me to look forward to.

I will worry about the negatives another time (respectively: living alone is lonely quite a lot of times, my pay is really shit and I hate feeling underpaid, many of my friends have left London for good). 

N was my first true love. Boy have we gone through so much in the 4 years that I've known him. I met him July 11, 2013. I think I will forever cherish our memories from 2013-2015 (everything after that, was pretty shit). We really, really did so many, many things together and it was so incredibly magical. Here are some photos of places that we've explored together (taken from stock images online):

Shah Cheragh in Shiraz, Iran
Huanglong in Sichuan, China
Arashiyama Bamboo Grove in Kyoto, Japan

I have honestly never ever felt so comfortable with someone before. In a very weird way (I would never admit this to anyone hah), in front of almost everyone else, I am almost always flexing my abs and tensing my arms even when I'm wearing a shirt. But with him I didn't do any of that at all. It really did show how much I let him in to my vulnerable inner self. 

One day when it stings less, I will re-read my entries back in 2013-2015. I bet I was really happy. Or maybe I'd find that I was never really happy with him, and I've been viewing everything through rose-tinted glasses. Incidentally, I do remember that the day I read S' email to me, the next day I met N... and I know I didn't like him at first because he seemed too impulsive, but in the end ended up falling so hard for him, and I was thinking that I really, really lucked out..

But today does feel like Day Zero in some ways. I have dragged my feet way too long. I have to stay optimistic that as I move on from my first love, one day I will find my last love. I know it sounds silly that I seem so lovesick and forlorn - but maybe it's because I once felt the warmth of a loving relationship, I miss it a lot. Many times when happy stuff happens to me, I light up but then think how nice would it be if I could have shared this happy news with someone I love. It really is an indescribable feeling. N was my best friend, but he let me down too many times, and I know I am doing the right thing this time round. 

Stay strong boy. Meanwhile, to the few viewers out there, wish me well? :/

You think that you know my heart
And you probably do 
So I’m always with you 
I could stay with you for hours 
In an empty room 
Never get bored 
Never have nothing to do 

You’re my other half 
You’re what makes me, me 
What makes me smile 
When I fall down and can’t get back, 
get back, get back up on my feet 

You’re a beautiful thing 
We’re a beautiful thing together 
Even when the weather is low (2x) 
We can find the rainbow 
Up in the sky 
You’d say don’t you cry, it’s all gonna be alright 
That’s a beautiful thing

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Yup. This song. Nicole S is a great singer - N introduced me to her actually, post-Pussycat Dolls.

Be still, my heart. Don't break so easily. Even if you do, keep all the pieces, because you will put them all back together one day.

Here's some advice for the next one
Don't let him lead you to the dark
Don't tell him all your secrets
He'll leave you with a broken heart
He'll try and tell you that he wants you
Just to keep you on the line
And right when you're about to move on
He pulls you back in every time

Here's advice for the next one
Run, run, run
Here's advice for the next one
Run, run, run

Darling I know that you're just like me
You give your love up way too fast
But once it's gone it's gone forever
And there's no coming back from that
He's got this perfect way about him
He'll make you think that you come first
But you'll get lost in the challenge
Of trying not to get hurt

A leopard never changes its spots

N cheated on me once again, before we broke up. He told me early June he had a 'work trip' to Italy - no it was with his new guy, who honestly looks like a butch-y lesbian. The trip he had in Asia was partially with his best friend, and partially with the new guy.

While not unexpected as I had sensed something was amiss when we literally did not have sex the entire year (honestly he gives me too little credit that I can't see right through him), I can't think of anything else other than that he is a sociopath, with pathological lying tendencies. End of June he actually met up with my mom back home, and had a three-hour conversation, where after that my mom texted me 'I'm so happy for you both! N is such a sweet boy, we caught up like old friends. He told me you two are more mature now and are able to work through problems better than before.' My dad then included him as my +1 for my parents' 30th wedding anniversary dinner (Yeah, my parents are posh).

No words really. I took the morning off work and had a very long walk around the parks. I am glad I didn't go 'all in' with him this year, but still I can't shake off the feeling I wasted time on him again when everyone else told me not to.

Honestly, this is just like the first time round when he scooted off to Iceland with the first guy which led to my first break-up with him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time, now I definitely won't and can't.

I still wholeheartedly feel that I was the best thing that ever happened to his messed up life, and this was the biggest mistake he has ever made, and will ever make.

I think I will come out of all of this much stronger really. I know this wasn't a reflection of anything that I did, it was all him - he has mental issues for sure. I am in a much better place than before and a commenter told me that I should re-read my older entries to see how far I've come. I have come really far. In many ways I should be very proud of myself.

Do not worry - I will not let him back into my life again. I am meeting him for the final time tomorrow evening. I just want to leave things on a good note, and get closure, for myself. I won't allow him to explain himself; I will say I do not need it. I will wish him well, and then move on with life. I want to take the high road because in many ways, I don't want to let him think he has a hold over me.

To think he still texted me on 12th of July after I told him I wanted a break-up (because I sensed something was amiss), "I know I have thought bad things about us or you for that matter in the past and I may have had fears regarding certain aspects of you but I want you to be sure of yourself that you are a great person and I love you very much. That has never changed. Things may have blurred here and there and sometimes they get lost in translation but I have always loved you and I'll always love you. I'm excited and nervous about the future just like anyone else and I know you are too.

I hope you don't think of me in such a bad light. I don't know what the future holds for me or for us but I hope it's positive. I always used to say when there's a will there's a way. So perhaps that's what we need to focus on again in the future. I haven't called you booboo in a long time because I felt that has been tainted with bad memories but perhaps we may renew all ties again one day when I'm back in the UK because you'll forever be the booboo of my heart."

Wow. Everything he does, is completely and utterly irreconcilable.

I just hope I will not close myself out to others in the future, and that I will be able to trust men again. Honestly, honestly honestly, I am a really good catch. I am not bragging but I am smart I am funny I am ambitious I am kind, I am learning like everyone else from mistakes,  I am reasonably attractive and reasonably fit, I can sing! I enjoy life to the fullest, I am great at sex, I have a supportive loving family who more than accepts me for being gay, I come from a very comfortably well-to-do background so money won't be an issue in the future, I am honest, I am monogamous and I am so very real.

While I think I want to remain single for a little while now, I hope I will be able to meet eligible men who would see me for the goodness that I have, and treasure and cherish and value me. I know it is wrong to anchor my life on to someone else, but I yearn for the stability of a committed relationship really.

Please wish me well :/

This was all you
None of it me
You put your hands all 
Over my body and told me
Mmm... you told me you were ready
For the big one
For the big jump
I'd be your last love 
Everlasting you and me
Mmm... that was what you told me

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go 
Of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go 
Of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Is it possible to ever get over someone you once truly loved?

What do you think?

Nowadays, whenever I have lunch or dinner, I watch lots of YouTube videos around 'psychology' e.g.

I watch video after video by clicking Next each time and actually, many are rather illuminating. I wonder if my baseline happiness is pretty low to begin with, and no matter what I do in life, I'd just remain at my baseline of being 'a bit' unhappy.

It has been fantastic being home. It was really nice to go to my friend's wedding - I loved being Desi for a day - I wore a traditional Indian suit for the first day, and for the second I wore a nice fitted suit with a bow-tie. If I could say so myself, I felt that I looked handsome on both days, and that made me smile that finally I can look in the mirror and think 'Hey! That person staring back is quite a looker really!' In front of most people I act as if I'm really confident almost cocky even, but for most of my life, inside I find it really hard to accept how I look. That night I got really drunk from the open bar - I made it home but I texted multiple guys, all who've told me they find me attractive, that I'm 'ugly as shit' and they should find someone else hotter. I don't get why I do such things... it scares me that it could be because I am trying to fish for compliments from people I know would give them to me? Which further stems from yearning for external validation because I still can't seem to truly like how I look.

I feel really frustrated with my mind because for certain things I am almost disgustingly rational and heartless, but for some other things I am woefully irrational. I've 'told' myself a million times, and I apply this to others too, that looks aren't everything - that I have a lot of other redeeming qualities like my sense of humour, the way I light up a room, that I can sing and 'entertain', that I'm sharp and analytical - but I still constantly am dissatisfied with the way I look. I really don't get it. I think less of the people who are 'shallow' - hot but dumb basically, but yet, secretly I wish I was one of those people? Being dumb is much much easier to fly through life and just being able to cognitively ignore and give zero fucks in life lol. But I know I am also too prideful to ever want to dumb myself down...I have to also 'feel' cognitively superior to people around.

And objectively there is no way I am considered an unattractive person + my external 'mask' of being so cocky makes it really hard for me to open up to close friends or, basically anyone, that I have such low self-esteem around my looks. I've told this to people before and they're like 'nonsense! banish such thoughts' I wish I could...

All this is from a very irrational fear of being unwanted. Many people would say I am an extremely extroverted person with many, many friends, but not the superfluous sort of friendships because I have 'deep' conversations with many, and regularly catch up with them. But yet, when I want to do some things in life that I enjoy - like taking a romantic stroll down the Thames, going on holidays to unexplored parts of the world, even cuddling...I get really sad that I don't have anyone to turn to. The truth is, this year I'm going back home for yet another 4 weeks is because I don't have anyone to go on vacation with. I always excitedly bring it up with friends, but they seem to have social circles that somehow have already made vacay plans together, and I'm not really in those circles. I start fearing that my friends secretly dislike being with me for extended periods of time, because I am 'too much to handle.'

I know this stems from my younger middle/high school days...I was always viewed as a 'strange' person, for constantly taunting my teachers, being cavalier about academics, and laughing too loudly and joking around too much. In my strait-laced environment growing up, I was told off by my peers to reel it in and stop being so 'disruptive' - of course teachers told me the same. I have tried very hard to calibrate myself somewhat throughout the years (I disagree with the 'Be yourself!' advice because sometimes 'yourself' is a total dickhead with zero social decorum and it is STILL advisable to try and at least not veer all the way off-course) but it is difficult. I know however, I am a difficult person too. I am stubborn, quick-tempered, and easily provoked.

Some times I fear that this is what I miss most about having N - having someone that was 'mine' - someone that has 'contractually' said that I am favoured (by one person), and I am not too much to handle. Evidently, he has fucked this contract up multiple times, but I keep pining after something that may not be there anymore. I don't know. He texted me saying 'I miss my best friend.' It is so terrible when he does things like this, because I know he is sincere, and I know he is equally confused like me as to why we keep failing at working out, but I was enraged, because my mind started flooding more with thoughts about him again.

I terribly miss cuddles man. And, honestly, god I feel so gross saying this though I know I shouldn't because it's err normal I guess, but I miss bottoming. I want to sit on top of a hot dude and ride his dick and watch his eyes rove around my body and then see his eyes land on his dick and my ass going up and down on it. Yet, I've serious issues with anal sex. Basically, other than bottoming for <3 minutes with 2 other one-night stands, I've only had anal sex with N. My ex-therapist told me that this isn't normal, that I mentally can't accept being fucked by another guy other than N. It's not entirely true because I did have sex with some dude last December and it was pretty hot because I did cum all over myself, but I could be having so much more sex. I've not had sex for 8 months now. Holy fuck.

One of my biggest fears is getting an STD. The other is that the more I bottom, the more feel I cheapen myself. I don't like the idea that my hole has been fucked by loads of dudes - I want to be as hot as a fuck-boy but not actually be one, I guess. I also really want to top someone - many bottoms have asked me to fuck them, and oddly when I'm drunk I tell people I want to stick my dick in them, but yet I have performance anxiety when I actually am supposed to top. I wasted two condoms once on this dude because I would get hard when he was sucking me off, then the condom slips on and I'm still hard, but then I go near his asshole and I go soft. And it frustrates me to think that this seems to be telling me that I am a 'pure bottom' because I don't want to miss out on the pleasures of topping...

I know my performance anxiety stems also from me feeling really insecure about the size of my schlong... I know people say things like 'it's not about the size but how you use it' and I've also had people tell me before that they really like my penis because it's just 'pretty to look at', but recently some ex-classmate dude visited London (he's gay but having an arranged marriage to a woman because they're both from rich families sheesh...) and we got really drunk and he started to strip me and as he jerked me off he told me "Oh you're small just like me" and I got so offended. And he told me "Why are you so offended? So what if it's small? It's still nice, it's just small." And I lost it.

Anyway, man. I am a person who is really constantly riddled with so many insecurities. Another insecurity I have is...that somehow someone would be able to trace this blog to my real identity and expose all the seriously vulnerable and unfiltered thoughts I have. I have thought on a few occasions now to delete this whole thing, but I do get the occasional comment that someone out there relates to what I'm writing.

My entries have no introduction, and no conclusion, so I shall end here.