- I'm really afraid I will be kicked off my upcoming client engagement at work, because I don't have the right to work in that country. It makes me feel very sad, and anxious. The application for a work permit is likely to bothersome for the engagement mgr. This means: I will lose out on what sounds like an extremely exciting and enriching long-term piece of work with a great, smart team, in a cool foreign city, and I will become very depressed because I wanted something and didn't get it.
- I am afraid that if I keep thinking that I am above average in competency at work, and end up not getting the validation for this i.e. getting an early promotion in 8 months, my emotional levels will plummet like crazy. I know - I worry about things 8 months in advance.
- I am afraid I will be forever alone. I know I am not unique here - but really, the people I find attractive are never really attracted to me. I know it just takes one person, but the probability of that seems so slim, and even if that one person shows up, there is zero certainty it'll last.
- I am annoyed with my body. I feel like I have put in a considerable amount of constant dedication in the gym, but progress is still at a snail's pace. My pecs, arms, everything - they're still not big enough. I am afraid I will never be satisfied with my physique.
- I am afraid I will take way too long to get over N, and it'll negatively affect my next relationship if I ever even get one. I am afraid of me pleading with him to get back with me, and give us yet another chance when he has blown it multiple times already. I am afraid I will for too long a time see his ghost in the tiny things I do or see in my daily life, like how he is taller than my bed and his feet always stuck out the bottom, or how we pronounced the word tired as 'tye-ruhd' as couple-speak.
- I am afraid that men only want to sleep with me...and nothing more. I dislike being objectified because I want people to know that there is so much more than me than my exterior and that I'm not just some typical 'cute' boy with zero brains or personality. Yet I am afraid of talking about this that much with friends because it comes across as such a stupid 'hot people problem'', but yet I am also terrified that my friends all secretly think I am unattractive as fuck and that I am so big-headed to think that I am vaguely attractive.
- I am afraid to top someone even though I really want to try...I get this sense that more bottoms are interested in me than tops (from all the hookup apps), and whenever they ask if I can top them, I end up not meeting them, because I am terribly afraid they will find out I am not at all experienced, or that they find that my phallic size is disappointing (someone once actually said it out loud to me 'oh you have a small d like me' - it really hurt). I am terrified of sexual performance anxiety; which is why bottoming is easier in some ways I guess.
- I am afraid of getting old. I still look really really young - but my actual age is 28, and I am terrified that I become one of those men who turns 40 and is still skulking around on hookup apps. I am terrified of not finding someone in the next year really, because I would then be much older than initially expected of having a husband and having kids. I am terrified of only finding love when I am 50...
- I am afraid that T, the person I find attractive, is actually straight. Because it is so rare for me to find someone that I actually find attractive from first impression, and that I remain captivated after speaking to him. I met him at an event organised by people from my country. How funny - I never thought I'd be able to date someone from my country, but this guy is handsome, fit, tall, friendly, and is also a management consultant, so we totally get what we do for work. I have felt semi-gay vibes from him (mostly because he is pretty, and he doesn't seem to have a girlfriend after I stalked him on FB, and also because he agreed to meet up 1-on-1 for lunch on a Sunday, though this is also because we both live pretty close by), but I have a hunch that even if he is gay, he is most likely very closeted, and I am afraid that I am getting myself sucked back into the same shithole of dating someone from a very conservative background like N. I have let him know that I am gay, but he hasn't said anything...he is also terrible with replying texts and it's a bit of a N deja-vu here...I should be meeting up with him around Christmastime in London, and maybe I should be a bit more forward and ask him if he's seeing anybody? Or if he's into males or females? I don't know. Maybe I should just tell him I find him attractive? God he has such nice pecs...which leads me to my next point,
- I am afraid I will always only go for people who look physically attractive and forgive their emotional/mental shortcomings (i.e. keep dating people that are wrong for me and going through even more heartbreaks that splinter my heart more and more, even though so far it's been only S and N), while hypocritically getting pissed off with people who objectify me. I actually actively want to date someone not attractive, because statistically that person would be less of an asshole? Lol - that's my brain for you...
- I am afraid I will amount to nothing professionally. Quite a few of my friends have started up their own companies; others have gone on to do MBAs at Harv@rd, Whart0n, etc. For me? I am just a corporate dude. I hate how competitive I make everything out to be, even though I actually feel fulfilled with my current job, and really really love what I do, but at the back of my head I feel like a failure because I am not creating a new start-up to solve some crazy world problem. I tell myself to chase experiences, don't chase money (especially because I don't need it as my family is well-off), but then I feel so much pressure that I need to out-earn my parents, or out-earn my friends, when so many are earning 3x my pay already.
- I am afraid of going bald. Sigh. My hair is something I am extremely vain about. I am terrified of this happening, because I know I look ugly without hair (I had to shave my head for the army, so I know this).
- I am afraid of losing external validation, even though I know it is so unhealthy and toxic. E.g. IG...I got really sad that I went from having 1500+ followers to 1400+ over the course of a few days, that I deactivated my account because I hated the pressure of feeling that people were actively unfollowing me. Which once again is so hypocritical of me, because I've attacked N multiple times in the past for having an inflated sense of himself just because he's an insta-celebrity with 40+k followers.
- Essentially, I am afraid I am one gigantic shitty hypocrite, and that I will always be so neurotic and harsh on myself for the rest of my life, unable to give myself a break and practice self-acceptance. And that one day, I will truly burn out completely and actually go mentally insane. Or, cumulatively, all my stress and anxieties cause me to get early onset Alzheimer's.
Monday, November 20, 2017
All my neurotic fears in one post
Some times I can't tell at all, whether I am very mentally fragile, or mentally resilient. I'm going to try and just write out all my fears, as an avenue to let it out rather than keep it in and feeling so suffocated...